Where Does My Heart Belong?

by Libby Kingsley

  “That’s it,” he says.

  “What’s it?”

  “I’m moving in now. You don't have to do this alone. Let me help.”

  Then I really lose it. He lets me cry, all the while cuddling me, and telling me it’s going to be all right. Once I get myself under control he takes me in the kitchen and fixes me chicken noodle soup. After I’ve eaten, he takes me upstairs and lies down on the bed with me, holding me until he thinks I’m asleep, but I’m not. He gets off the bed and just before he leaves, he kisses me on the forehead and whispers, “I love you, Libby.”

  I manage a fitful sleep for a couple of hours and when I wake up he’s gone, but he’s left a note saying that he’s gone home to pack and he and Angie will be back later. I can’t believe he said ‘I love you’. I suspected he felt more than friendship for me but never imagined he would say that.

  Later that afternoon, Barb calls. She and John are at the house. “Everything looks fine, Libby. Red left a note for you.”

  “Read it to me, please.”

  “It says, ‘I am so sorry’ and then there’s some numbers under it. 1 4 3 0. Do you think that could be the new combination?”

  “Maybe, give it a try.”

  “It worked; we can get in to his side.”

  “Great, have John check it out. I’ll stay on the phone with you. I can’t thank you enough for this, Barb. I owe you one.”

  “John says everything looks okay, a little dusty and the carpet needs vacuuming but that’s all. Oh, Red left behind his big king sized bed, but that’s the only thing.”

  “Good, I’m relieved. I should be back there around the 4th of June. A friend and his daughter are driving me up. Tell John I’ll get in touch with him then. You’re a lifesaver, Barb; I don’t know what I’d do without friends like you. Take care and I’ll see you soon.”

  I think about the combination numbers that Red left. They start with 1 4 3, our code for ‘I Love You’. If he loved me, how could he do this to me again? What kind of crap is going on this time?

  CHAPTER 37

  June 1974

  After Tony and Angie move in, Tony helps me pack up a bunch of stuff I want to donate to the Salvation Army and calls them to come get it. I get together everything I want to take with me to Eagle Valley and arrange for Leona to check on the house once a week while we’re gone.

  On June 1, we head out in Tony’s big, comfortable Cadillac sedan. We take our time, limiting the driving to 6 hours or less a day, with Tony and me trading off. It takes us three days to get to Eagle Valley.

  Tony is thrilled with my beautiful home on the river. “This would make a great summer place,” he tells me. “You could divide your time between here and California.” After we unload the car, I show them around the inside of the house and then he and Angie go outside and explore the property. I use the time while they’re gone to call Red’s brother, Bob.

  “Bob, it’s Libby, I’m back in town. I want to talk to you. I need to know what really went on here with Red. People don’t just up and run away from their loved ones because they got laid off from a job.”

  “Are you sure? It’s not a pretty story. He left because he couldn’t stand the thought of facing you, not after what happened the last time, he doesn’t want you to know. He doesn’t want to hurt you anymore.”

  “I’m already hurt, Bob, so just spill it.”

  “He was having an affair with his boss’s wife. Keith found out about it and fired him but told everybody that he was laying him off so he could save face.”

  “An affair, an affair, you’ve got to be kidding me. He couldn’t have been. He was home with me every night for months.”

  “They were carrying on in the daytime. They had an apartment in that brick building across from the bank. Keith got suspicious so he followed Marilyn for a week when she went to lunch, and saw her go into the building. A few minutes later, Red would go in. He confronted them and they admitted it. He fired Red and kicked Marilyn out of the house when she told him she was pregnant. He knew it wasn’t his because they weren’t having sex. Later she had a miscarriage.”

  “Pregnant? Miscarriage? Red’s had a vasectomy.”

  “I know, but it must have reversed itself. He didn’t believe Marilyn when she told him, so he went to the doctor and got checked out. He’s fertile.”

  “This is unbelievable, Bob, do you have any idea where he is?”

  “No, nobody’s heard from him. I’m worried about him. He was really depressed when he left. He knows he’s ruined everything with you.”

  “Thanks, Bob; I’m glad you told me. I’m not going to have anything more to do with him. I’m going back to California for good.”

  “Good luck, Libby. I wish you’d never gotten mixed up with him in the first place. You’re too good for him. He’s nothing but an alcoholic womanizer any more, and I don’t know if he’ll ever change.”

  I tell Tony what Bob said. “I’m not sure I ever want to live here again. I don’t think I could stand the thought of being here after what’s just happened. Maybe I’ll just sell it.”

  “Don’t make any rash decisions, give it some time. This is a tremendous property. I don’t want you to have any regrets down the road. Let’s discuss this more later, but right now, we need to decide what to do for dinner. Is there anything in the refrigerator?” He opens the door and we stare at a mass of beer cans. Red has packed it completely full, there’s no room for anything else.

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake, what’s the meaning of this? Welcome home? He must be totally off his rocker.”

  Tony laughs and says, “Let’s go to the store and get some steaks. I noticed you have a grill out on the deck. There’s nothing I like better than grilling a good steak. Go see what else you’ve got in the cupboards. We can pick up what we need for tonight and tomorrow morning and then do a major shopping trip tomorrow.”

  “Why don’t you and Angie go, I’ll stay here and get the guest bedroom ready for you.”

  “No, no, I don’t want to leave you alone, get your purse, and let’s go.”

  “I’ll be fine.” I call for Angie and push them towards the door. I can tell he’s not happy leaving me behind, but I can’t wait until they’re gone. I’m feeling smothered. I’m not used to having someone in my face all day long. On the trip up from California, the only time I had to myself is when I was in the bathroom. He was constantly looking at me, asking if I felt okay, wanting to know what he could do for me. I know I should be grateful that I have someone who cares about me, but I’m not used to the constant attention. After they’re gone, I make up the twin beds in the guest bedroom. At least I’ll be able to sleep alone in my own bed tonight.

  When they get back from the store, Tony gets the grill going and we enjoy a delicious meal of steak, salad, corn on the cob and garlic bread on the deck. Afterwards we sit there, enjoying the view of the river and the hills across the way. We watch the daylight fade away into night and put Angie to bed after she falls asleep in her lawn chair.

  “Let’s talk,” Tony says. “Tell me what you’re thinking; what’s going on in that beautiful little head of yours?”

  “There’s too many thoughts, all swirling together. Too many emotions, my hormones are raging. I don’t think I could make an intelligent decision if I wanted to.”

  “You don’t have to make any decisions right away. Let’s just stay here for a week or so and relax, give it some time, things always have a way of working themselves out.”

  “Don’t you need to get back home to your job? It’s all right if you want to leave, I can stay here until I decide what I want to do with the place.”

  “No way, I’m not leaving until you do. As far as my job goes, I need to talk to you about that too, I may not have one if things go the way I think they’re going to.”

  “Why, what’s going on?”

  “My brothers want to take the business public. I’m totally against it. Mom and Dad don’t really understand what it means and don’t
know what to do. If they decide to go along with my brothers then I’ll be outvoted and I’ll resign. Going public is a very expensive, lengthy process, with no guarantee that the SEC will approve it. All my brothers can see is a big influx of capital from selling shares. They don’t seem to care that they will no longer have total control of the company. We don’t need more capital, we have plenty of cash assets, and the business is doing great.”

  “My goodness, what brought all this on?”

  “I think it’s coming from Ramon’s new wife. She has a degree in business and thinks she knows it all. All she cares about is money, the more the better. Manny’s wife told me that she’s been talking it up to all of them. So, I’m in no hurry to get back there. I can stay here as long as you need me.”

  “Oh, geez, my problems are nothing compared to yours. I feel so bad for you, you’re the one who started the company in the first place, it’s your life’s work, this must be devastating for you.”

  “Yeah, it is, but there’s other stuff going on as well. I won’t get into all of it but my brother’s don’t think that I do anything because I’m not out there getting my hands dirty in the fields. They’re jealous because I get to sit in an air-conditioned office and drive around in a Cadillac. They don’t understand just what it is I do and give me flack about it all the time. We have to comply with a myriad of State and Federal regulations and I deal with all of that. It’s a full time job just keeping up with the regs, going to meetings and filing paper work. If I leave, they’re going to find out in a hurry just what it is I do. Come on, enough of this for tonight, I’m going to hit the hay and so should you. Tomorrow’s a new day and things always look better after a good night’s sleep.”

  We go in the house and I see him to the guest room. He hugs me and jokingly asks, “You’re not going to dump me are you, if I’m unemployed?”

  “No, I’m not going to dump you. I’m going to stick to you like glue.”

  “That’s what I like to hear. Good night, baby, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “'Night, Tony.” He walks into his room and starts to close the door.

  “Oh, I like hot coffee, French toast, and scrambled eggs in the morning.”

  “You wish.”

  Once I crawl into bed, I start thinking about Red and everything Bob told me today. I scream and cry into my pillow. I mash and crash him in my mind; dismember him and wish he were here so I could do it in person. When my tirade is over, I'm drained. I'm empty. The feelings I once had for him are dead and I hope they stay that way.

  Then I think about the baby. What am I going to do about it? I don’t think I’m capable of raising it on my own. I don’t think women were meant to go it alone. That’s what marriage is all about, having both a mama and daddy for their babies. Children need the support of both of them, and I won’t be able to give mine that. Abortion is out, my baby is alive in my womb, and I could never take its life. Adoption is another option, but I can’t imagine doing that either. For the umpteenth time in my life, I curse the fates for the situation that I’m going through.

  CHAPTER 38

  The next morning we meet with John at the management company. “Do you have any potential renters?” I ask him.

  “Would you consider renting the whole house or are you planning to stay? There was a family from Oregon in here yesterday that are looking for a 4-bedroom. The husband’s a doctor who’ll be working at the Family Health Clinic. They have two teen-aged sons.”

  “Yes, I’ll rent the whole thing. Can you get ahold of them?”

  “Sure, they’re staying at the Eagle River Lodge. I’ll give them a call right now. What’s a good time to bring them around?”

  “Any time after 10:00. I have an errand to run and then we’ll be home.”

  He makes the call and sets up an appointment for 10:30. I tell Tony I want to stop at the liquor store and pick up some empty boxes.

  “Does this mean you want to go back to California, Libby?”

  “Yeah, I think so, but no matter what I decide I need to clean out some stuff and donate it to the good will.”

  We pick up the boxes and go home to wait for the family. Dr. and Mrs. Mike Warner, a delightful couple in their late 40’s, are thrilled with the place. They spend a long time looking everything over. They’re very interested in it but tell me they have one more house to look at before they make a decision. John says he’ll call later when they’ve made up their minds.

  “Well,” I ask John, when he calls. “Do they want to rent it?”

  “Yes, they’ll rent it, but what they really want to do is buy it. Would you consider selling?”

  “Wow, I’ve never thought about selling. Let me discuss it with Tony tonight and I’ll get back to you in the morning. Do they have the money or will I have to wait for them to get financing?”

  “They’ve already sold their home in Oregon so they’ll be able to cash you out.”

  “Great. I’ll be in touch.”

  Later that night Tony and I go over my financial records and come up with a selling price.

  “If the Warner’s are willing to pay this much I think I should go ahead and sell. If I just rent to them, they might change their minds about buying if they happen to find something else that they like better. I don’t want to lose them. There’s no telling when someone else will come along who has this much cash.”

  “I think you’re right. This is not a large populous area. If that’s your decision, then I’m all for it. You don’t know how glad I am that you’ll be coming back to California with me.”

  The next day I call John and give him the price I’ve decided on. He calls me back in a couple of hours and says they’ll take it. They don’t even make a counter offer. We set up a time to get together for them to sign an earnest money agreement and then I order the title report. My good friend, Paul, in the title company promises to rush it through and tells me we can probably close in two weeks.

  From then on, it’s a mad rush to pack up what I want to take back to California and advertise everything else for sale.

  One day we're working our butts off getting things boxed up to donate to the senior citizen's second hand store. All of a sudden, I get dizzy, everything goes black for a couple of seconds, and I have to sit down. I put my head between my knees and hope I don't pass out. Tony sees me and rushes over.

  "Hey, what's going on? What's wrong?"

  "I almost passed out there; I'm feeling a little woozy."

  "Come on, lie down on the sofa. I'll get a cold cloth for your forehead."

  "I'll get you something to drink," Angie says. She comes back with a can of beer.

  "Oh my sweet baby girl, what would I ever do without you?" I tell her.

  "Daddy, I can't open this thing," she yells.

  "Just hold on, I'll be right there." He comes back with a cold wet washcloth and lays it on my forehead then reaches out for the can. Angie hands it to him and just as he’s about to opens it, he realizes what it is. "Oh, no, no, no, she can't have this, what were you thinking?"

  "I thought she’d like a beer. Libby likes beer, Daddy. There’s nothing else in there, the cans are all the same. There must be hundreds of them."

  "I know she likes beer, but in her condition, she shouldn't have it."

  "Are you the beer police, now?” I ask him.

  "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."

  "What condition? She’s just lying on the couch. What's wrong with her, Daddy?"

  "She almost passed out. The beer might make her worse. Why don’t you bring her a glass of water?” She heads for the kitchen.

  "Whoo, I thought for a minute there you were going to tell her about the baby. I glad you didn’t. She’ll blab it to your folks and I want to wait a while before I tell anyone."

  “I won’t say a thing. You decide when the time is right.”

  After Angie comes back with the water, I tell them that once I’m feeling better I want to show them around Eagle Valley and introduce them t
o my friends and the animals I left behind.

  “We’ll go tomorrow if you’re feeling better. I’d like to meet your friends, Chris and Barb, and Angie will love seeing the animals.”

  The next day I’m feeling fine so we go to Chris and Barb’s. Chris and Tony hit it off and Angie is thrilled to meet Danny and little Billy G. I give her a ride on Danny and she decides she wants to be a cowgirl when she grows up. She tells Tony that she wants her own horse when we get home and that she wants Billy G to come and live with us. He says he’ll buy her a horse and her own little miniature goat but Billy G has to stay here, he wouldn’t be happy all by himself at the farm.

  For the next couple of days I show them all my favorite haunts around beautiful Eagle Valley. I discover that Red left behind his camping and fishing equipment so we use it and spend a two days and nights at a mountain lake and campground. Girly girl, Angie, thinks it’s all gross, but Tony has a great time. “We need to do this more often when we get back to California,” he tells me.

  CHAPTER 39

  A couple of days after our camping and fishing trip I get sick again.

  I tell Tony that if this keeps up I don't think I'm going to be able to drive my car all the way back to California. I guess I could sell it but I need the stuff I've packed in it and there's no way we can fit all of it in his car.

  "I really don't want you driving that far by yourself anyway, even if you’re healthy. Let me think about this for a minute. Okay, I have an idea. How far is the nearest commercial airport?"

  "It’s about two hours away, in Yakima."

  "Can I use your phone to call back home?"

  "Of course, you can."

  He goes to the phone in the control room and I hear him make the call but I can't tell what he's saying. He’s in there for a long time, almost an hour. When he comes back out, he says, "Here's what I've come up with, tell me what you think. I’m going to fly my brother, Luis, up here and he will drive your car back to California.”