Where Does My Heart Belong?

by Libby Kingsley

  “The only thing that’s going to be uncomfortable is when I have to say good-bye to him tomorrow.”

  “Oh, boy, you’ve got it bad, don’t you? Come on. Let’s see what they’re up to.”

  We join them in the family room where they’ve rolled up the rug and moved the furniture around. Luis puts on Joe Cocker’s You Are So Beautiful to Me and grabs Sandy.

  Angie wants Tony to teach her to dance so he puts her feet on top of his and dances around the room with her. I sit on the sofa and smile, watching them. I’m glad I don’t have to dance. I don’t want to be that close to Tony. Ever since we went to Eagle Valley, he’s been getting more and more familiar towards me. Putting his arm around me, brushing my hair away from my face, and calling me pet names. I can relate to Sandy, I’m getting scared too.

  “All right,” Luis yells. “Libby, get on this dance floor. Let’s see what kind of moves you have, girl.”

  “I don’t dance that well, Luis. Tony tried to teach me country line dancing but it didn’t go so hot.”

  “Forget that crap. Tony’s a great ballroom dancer. He’s better than most guys I’ve seen. Mama made us all take dancing lessons when we were young. Get up here, girl. We’ll do an old fashioned waltz.”

  “Do it, Libby, do it. I want to see you dance with Daddy.”

  So, I do, and it’s wonderful. Tony is a great dancer, not as flamboyant as Waldo is, but he’s better than anyone else I’ve ever waltzed with.

  “All right, Libby girl, that was great. Let’s do a Tango.”

  “Not right now, Luis,” Tony says. “I need to put Angie to bed.” I look over and see that she’s trying not to fall asleep. “We’ll take her down and then we can have that Tango.”

  After we come back from putting her to bed, Luis has an announcement to make. “I’ve invited Sandy to come out and see the vineyards and winery. I want you guys to come too. I’ll let her pick the date since she’s the one with a schedule. How about it? ”

  “That sounds great, Luis. Just let us know when. I’d so like to see all of that again,” I tell him.

  “Fantastic, I’m looking forward to it, but right now I think I should have Junior here show me where I’m going to sleep tonight. I think I’ve had a little too much to drink tonight. I usually don’t drink like this, but this is like a special occasion for me.”

  We all say good night to one another and then Sandy and I climb the stairs to our bedrooms. “Do you still feel like talking?” I ask her.

  “Yes, I’m really wired, are you okay?”

  “You bet, come on in my room. I’ve got a microwave/refrigerator combination. We can pop popcorn, have a drink, and talk.”

  And talk, we do, we stay up way too late bearing our souls to one another about the Vera boys.

  CHAPTER 42

  The next morning I help Sandy prepare a huge breakfast of waffles, sausage, scrambled eggs, and fruit for everyone. After we've eaten, she leaves for home and I go into the kitchen to wash the dishes. Tony and Luis are in the dining room drinking coffee and talking in Spanish. Angie comes running into the kitchen and yells at me.

  "Hey, Libby, what's a mustang?" The conversation in the dining room comes to a halt.

  "It's a wild horse, sweetie."

  "That's what I thought. Is there something bad about them?"

  "No, honey, they're just not tame, that's all, why?"

  "When we were in the motel the other night Daddy and Uncle Luis said that they wished they could go to a mustang ranch in Reno, but they couldn't because I was with them. Why couldn’t I go? I'd like to see the mustangs. Will you take me?"

  "Did you ask them why you couldn't go?"

  "No, they thought I was asleep, but I wasn't."

  “Madre de Dios,” I hear Luis say.

  Those bozos, how dare they discuss going to a brothel in the presence of this precious child. I don’t care if she was supposed to be asleep or not. I'm going to fix their wagon. They’re going to need the Mother of God when I’m done with them.

  “I'd love to take you, sweetie, but you're going back to Grandma's today. I probably won't see you for a while. Why don't you ask her to take you."

  "That's a good idea, Libby, Grandma likes horses too."

  "Somos hombres muertos," comes from the dining room. I want to laugh out loud so bad but if I do, they’ll know I’m toying with them, so I concentrate on the dishes. Yep, you’ve got that one right, boys, you're going to be dead men. I just wish I could be there when Isabel ties into them.

  After I finish the dishes, I go into the dining room and ask them if they want any more coffee. Tony looks really somber and turns me down. “We need to get on the road. I’ll see you back here this afternoon.”

  “Aren’t you going to stay and have dinner with your folks, liked you planned?”

  “Nope, change of plans. We’ll drop Angie off and then I’ll head straight back here after I take Luis home.”

  “Your mother’s going to be disappointed if you all don’t stay. She’s looking forward to it.” You can run, but you can’t hide, I laugh to myself.

  “I know, but I think there’s going to be an incident if Angie tells Mother what Luis and I were talking about the other night. I don’t want to be there for it.”

  “Why, what were you talking about?”

  “I heard that conversation you had with Angie about the mustang ranch. Are you really so naive that you don’t know what it is? It’s a brothel, Libby. It’s not a ranch with horses, that’s just the name of it, the Mustang Ranch. When Angie tells Mother and asks her to take her there, all hell’s going to break loose.”

  “You’ve got that right,” Luis says. I’d like to stay and have dinner with the folks too, but I’m not going to risk it tonight.”

  They’re really sweating it and I’m almost starting to feel sorry for them. Well not really, but I guess I should cut them some slack. “Well, for heaven’s sakes, go get Angie and tell her that it’s not a horse ranch. Tell her you’ll find another ranch to take her to so she doesn’t have to ask Isabel to take her to that one.”

  “She’s still going to want to know why I want to go there and why she couldn’t come. What am I going to tell her?”

  “How about the truth, that’s generally the best thing to do. Tell her it’s a gentlemen’s club and that children aren’t allowed. She’s downstairs packing her things, so go get her and we’ll talk to her together. Just remember, Tony, children are not always asleep when you think they are.”

  “Yeah, I guess I’ll have to be more careful.” He heads downstairs, calling for Angie. After we talk to her, she seems satisfied with his explanation and says she won’t ask Grandma to take her to the mustang ranch.

  “Okay, so now that that’s settled do you want to change your plans again and have dinner with your folks? You could even spend the night if you want to. Sandy is coming back later and we’re going to do some girly things.”

  “I don’t know, we’ll discuss it on the way. I really want to be here with you.”

  “That’s fine, but your parents should come first, they won’t be around forever. Take every opportunity you can to spend time with them. I wish I’d spent more time with Grandma.”

  “Okay, let’s hit the road. You and Sandy have fun. Is she spending the night?”

  “If you don’t come home, she will.”

  “Good, then I won’t worry about you. I’ll give you a call later.” He gives me a hug and then I go over, hug Luis, and thank him again for bringing my car back.

  “De nada, Libby, and if you ever need anything else, I’m here for you.”

  After they leave, I realize that I’m all alone. I have several glorious hours all alone before Sandy gets here. I haven’t had this much time by myself since I was in Eagle Valley before Grandma died. Oh, what to do? I decide to get a book and go out to the pergola. Reading used to be one of my favorite things to do and I don’t get to do enough of it anymore. I’m only a few pages into the book before the sound
of the ocean and the warm summer air puts me to sleep. When I wake up, I feel happy and refreshed. I look at my watch and get a start. Geez, Sandy should be here by now. I hurry back to the house just in time to see her pull up to the gate. Once she gets in the house, I can’t wait to tell her about this morning’s goings on.

  “You left too soon this morning. You missed a good one.” And I tell her about Angie and the mustang ranch. She laughs and laughs. “They were both shaking in their boots with the thought of Isabel finding out about it. They’re still not out of the woods yet, though. You never know when Angie’s going to say something.”

  “Good on you, Libby, but you should have let them stew a little longer.”

  “I know, but I was really starting to feel sorry for them, especially Tony. He was looking kind of sickly.”

  “He was probably embarrassed you found out that he wants to go there. You don’t hold that against him, do you?”

  “No. I know men do that kind of thing. I don’t have a problem with them going to a reputable place. It’s a lot better than picking up some streetwalker downtown. So, what do you want to do today? I feel like going shopping and spending an obscene amount of money. ”

  “I’m with you. Let’s do it. I’ll drive.”

  CHAPTER 43

  The following Thursday, Tony takes me to my doctor's appointment. I like the doctor and the exam goes well. He tells me that I’m fine and the baby is fine.

  “So, what are you hoping for, a boy, or a girl?” he asks me.

  “Neither,” I tell him and then I break down and cry. “I think I should put the baby up for adoption. I don't mind being single and pregnant but I don't think I can raise a child all by myself.” I tell him about Red, about how he left me, and doesn't know that I'm pregnant. “I think the child would be better off if it had two parents.”

  "Perhaps, but this is a decision that you need make very carefully. There's no turning back once you sign the papers. I suggest that you get some counseling. I'll have my nurse give you a list of the counselors I use and information about the various adoption options. You've got time on your side here, Libby, so don't rush into anything too soon."

  I leave his office with a big file folder crammed full of pamphlets. When Tony sees me, he notices that I've been crying. "What's wrong, honey, did it go badly?"

  "No, everything is fine. I'm about 12 weeks along. It's just that, I guess reality has finally set in and I don't know if I'm ready for this."

  "Well, ready or not, it's going to happen.” Then he notices the folder I'm carrying. "What's all that stuff?"

  "It’s a bunch of reading material, probably a lot of do's and don’ts. I told them I didn't want it but they made me take it anyway."

  When we get home, I toss the folder on the little round table in the family room. I’ll look at it later, maybe.

  For the next week, I’m obsessed with thinking about the decision I‘m going to have to make. I start to spend more time in my room and less with Tony. We have breakfast and dinner together but after that, I go to my room, leaving him alone. I don’t know what he’d think about me giving up the baby, since he comes from such a large loving family.

  One night, after dinner, he says, “How would you like to watch those home movies of me playing polo that you said you’d like to see?”

  “Sure, that would be great. Should I pop some popcorn?

  “You bet. You do that and I’ll get the projector set up.”

  We’re watching the movies and munching on popcorn when it happens, a damn earthquake. Everything starts shaking. Tony grabs me and pulls me under one of the arched doorways. I’ve been through lots of them, some here, and some in Seattle, but even though I’m used to them, they’re always scary. You never know just how bad it’s going to be.

  After the shaking stops, we look around for damages. The only thing I see is the upturned popcorn bowl on the floor and the file folder of pamphlets that I got from the doctor, scattered all over.

  “I’ll go get the vacuum cleaner,” I say to Tony.

  “I’ll pick up the pamphlets,” he replies.

  I didn’t know it at the time, but while I was gone, he looked at those pamphlets I got from the doctor and saw the ones about adoption.

  When I come back with the vacuum, he helps me clean up the mess. Afterwards we spend the next couple of hours watching his movies. Geez, he was so terrible when he first started out. He used to fall off his horse in the beginning and every time he did, I laugh. Then he starts improving and by the end of the last movie, he’s playing on a championship team.

  “Why don’t you do this anymore? You were great. I can’t believe you gave it up.”

  “Not enough time, but if I become unemployed I may just decide to take it up again.”

  “So, how’s that going, that business with taking the company public?”

  “Right now it’s at a stand-still. I talked with Luis and he’s on my side, but even with him, we can still be outvoted. He thinks that Manny will side with us but right now Manny is going through his own personal problems. His wife left him because he’s having an affair. She took off and left him with the kids. He doesn’t know if he’s coming or going, and according to Luis, he doesn’t give a damn one way or another about the business.”

  “Oh, geez, that’s tough. I just hate it when families split up. I can’t imagine anything more devastating.”

  Just then the phone rings and when I answer it I hear a woman crying on the other end of the line.

  “Is Tony there, I need to talk with Tony, she sobs?”

  “Isabel, is that you? Yes, Tony’s right here,” and I hand him the phone.

  When he gets off the phone, he says, “Yes, there is something more devastating. Papa has had a heart attack and he’s in the hospital. I have to go to the farm.”

  “I’ll come with you. That is if you want me to.”

  “Yeah, I do. Go pack an overnight bag, I’ll do the same.”

  Once we get on the road, I ask him, “What did your Mom say, how bad is it?”

  “She doesn’t know yet. They don’t have all the test results back. Luis is with her but everyone else is at the farm. They want to be at the hospital but they don’t know what to do with the kids.”

  “I can stay with the kids. How many are there?”

  “Five. Manny has three boys, Luis’s Carmen and Angie. You might want to re-think that though. Manny’s boys are a bunch of foul mouthed punks.”

  “What about Ramon’s?”

  “Ramon and his family aren’t home, they’re on vacation.”

  “How old are Manny’s boys?”

  “Mike is 16, Ricky is 13, and Diego, who likes to be called D, is 8. Mike and D are the worst. Ricky’s pretty good actually, unless the other two can talk him into something.”

  “Well, I’ll make up my mind after I’ve met them. Why don’t they want to take them along?”

  “I don’t know, probably because they don’t know how long we’ll be there and don’t want to deal with the lot of them. I’m telling you, they can be a handful.”

  “Okay, but if I can’t control them I don’t want to be blamed for any mischief they get into.”

  “That won’t be a problem. I’ll talk to Manny and I’ll tell the boys that their life won’t be worth a plug nickel if they misbehave.”

  CHAPTER 44

  After we get to the farm and I meet the children, I tell Tony that I’ll watch them. They were very polite and somewhat subdued. Tony tells them that I’m the boss and whatever I say goes no exceptions. If they give me any trouble, he will make sure that their miseries will become his mission in life. Then he tells them to get to bed and shows me to one of the spare bedrooms. “I’ll call you in the morning. Here’s the number for the motel where we’re staying. If you have any problems at all, call me. In the morning, we’ll be at the hospital. Depending on how things go, Manny and I should be back here tomorrow afternoon.”

  The next morning I feed the kids cerea
l fruit and toast and tell the girls I want to look around the kitchen. I’m going to have to fix them lunch and maybe dinner too.

  “We can have sandwiches and chips for lunch,” Carmen says. “Can we have our favorites for dinner? Grandma has two recipes that she does in crock-pots, beans and weenies and macaroni and cheese. I’ll show you the recipes.”

  Great, at least there are recipes. I couldn’t cook from scratch to save my soul. After I look over them, I put everyone to work. Carmen calls out the ingredients and tells Angie to find them. I hand Mike a knife and tell him to cut the weenies into one-inch pieces. Ricky gets the job of grating the cheese and D puts everything in the crock-pots after I’ve measured it out. Once we’re done with that, the girls want to bake a cake, Isabel’s famous carrot pineapple cake. The boys have had enough of the kitchen so the girls and I make the cake and put in it to bake.

  “Let’s watch a movie,” Carmen says. I brought a new one about a horse.” Even the boys are in favor of that so we troop down to the family room and watch it while the cake is baking. When I go upstairs to take it out of the oven, I see that the weather is getting nasty. The sky is black and greenish. The wind is howling. It looks like a bad thunderstorm is on its way. By the time the movie is over and we go back upstairs, the storm is awful. The wind must be blowing 50 miles an hour and the worst rain I’ve ever seen is pelting down. Then we hear a loud banging sound. Bang, bang, bang, every ten seconds or so.

  “What the hell is that?” Mike says.

  “I don’t know. Can you see anything out of the windows?” I ask him.

  “Yeah, oh God, Libby, the roof on one of the sheds is coming apart. I just saw a piece of metal fly off it and there’s another big piece flapping around that’s making that banging sound. I’ll go check it out.”

  “No, you won’t. Just stay in here until the storm passes. It seems to be moving quickly so let’s just wait until it’s over.”

  “We’re going to have to find a way to hold that metal piece on. If it comes off it could kill someone or one of the animals out there.”