Critical Failures (Caverns and Creatures Book 1)

by Robert Bevan

  “What?” Katherine said, trying to shake the sleepiness out of her head. “Who?” She looked over to see Julian missing. “Aaahhh!” she screamed, and then fell out of sight.

  The wagon rolled to a stop, but not before rolling over both of them. Dave stood up and looked ahead. The horses were both gone, as if they’d never been there to begin with. He turned around. Julian lay face down on the ground about twenty yards back, and Katherine sat up and rubbed the back of her head.

  Tim sat up. “What happened? Why have we stopped? What’s going on?”

  Dave had no satisfactory answers to these questions, so he kept his mouth shut.

  Captain Righteous looked to be as surprised as anyone, but spent less time asking questions and more time seizing an opportunity. He hopped off the back of the wagon and reached Julian before anyone had time to react. He unsheathed his own sword from Julian’s scabbard, and placed a boot firmly on Julian’s back.

  “Nobody move,” said the captain, placing the tip of his sword against the back of Julian’s neck. “Or you’ll have another head to play with.”

  Tim punched Chaz in the shin until he woke up. When Chaz was able to fully appreciate the situation, he kicked Cooper in the back several times before he woke up as well. Katherine stood up and drew her sickle, but dared not move forward. Her wolf barked and growled, but Katherine ordered him to stay back. Greely and Shorty sat perfectly still, no doubt contemplating what the best means of escape would be.

  Tim stood up with his hands raised.

  “I’m warning you, halfling,” shouted the captain, his foot heavy upon Julian’s back. “Stay where you are.”

  “If you hurt him,” Cooper shouted, “I’ll rip your fucking-”

  “Cooper!” hissed Tim. “Shut up.”

  “Don’t tell me to shut up,” Cooper said. “I’ve had it with this pacifist bullshit. That’s my friend he’s got over-”

  “I’ve got an idea,” Tim whispered.

  Cooper checked his anger. “Is it a good one?”

  “Nope.”

  “All right,” said Cooper. “Run with it, dude.”

  Tim turned back to face the captain. “I’m coming out,” he said. “Alone and unarmed.”

  “Stay where you are!” shouted the captain, but too late. Tim had already hopped off the back of the wagon.

  “Katherine,” said Tim.

  Katherine refused to take her glare away from the captain’s face. “What?” she barked back to her brother.

  “Take Buttercup and go back to-”

  “Butterbean!”

  “Whatever. Take your wolf and go back to the wagon.”

  “I’m not leaving you alone with him.”

  “You don’t have to get in the wagon,” said Tim. “Just back off and give us some room to breathe.” He looked at Captain Righteous. “And talk.”

  Katherine didn’t move.

  “Katherine,” Tim pleaded. “I’m going to try to negotiate a safe passage home.”

  Katherine turned around to look at him.

  “Real home,” Tim said.

  “If your home is located in the deepest pits of the abyss,” bellowed the captain, “then rest assured. You’ll return there soon enough!”

  “Shut up!” Tim and Katherine said simultaneously.

  Much to Dave’s surprise, the captain shut up.

  “Come on, Kat,” said Tim. “If things go badly, you can always summon a whole pack of wolves to rip that fucker to pieces.” He made no effort to hide the message from the captain.

  Katherine backed up, beckoning Butterbean to follow her.

  Tim stepped forward. “What’s your endgame here, Captain?”

  “I will bring this murderous band of thieves to justice.”

  “You’re outnumbered eight to one,” observed Tim. “And that’s not counting a wolf and a...” he lowered his head, “a bird.”

  “Eight to one, is it?” The captain sneered. “Do you include the wizard under the heel of my boot, who I could-”

  “Sorcerer,” Julian struggled to say with his face pressed in the dirt.

  “Fine,” said the captain. “The sorcerer whose head I can sever with a single thrust? Do you include yourself? The unarmed halfling standing right in front of me, who I could disembowel from where I stand?”

  “All right, fine,” Tim conceded. “But still.

  The captain carried on. “How about the little goblin, and the ancient old man? Do you expect them to fight alongside you?”

  Tim didn’t respond.

  “Let’s see how loyal your new friends are,” said the captain. “Shorty! Greely!”

  The goblin and the old man shifted in their seats uncomfortably.

  Shorty cleared his throat. “Um, yes?”

  “I grant you your freedom. Go now and you shall never be pursued.”

  Shorty and Greely looked at one another.

  “Um... thanks,” said Shorty. He and Greely hopped down from the side of the wagon. “Good luck, guys. I think I speak for the both of us when I say that we’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent with you, and we wish you all the best in your future endeavors.” He looked at Greely for confirmation. “

  Greely nodded. “Indeed,” he said, and then turned to the captain. “So long Captain! All the best to you as well!” He and Shorty walked away, not on the road, but rather into the grasslands off to the side of it.

  “So,” said Captain Righteous. “How do you like my odds now?”

  Tim shrugged. “Still not so good. Yeah, you might take down a few of us, but you’ll never take us all down.”

  “Do you see this armor I’m wearing?” asked the captain. The sneer was gone from his face, and the contempt had left his voice. The sunlight shone off the armor so brightly that Dave had to squint in order to look directly at it.

  “Yeah,” said Tim. “I’ve noticed it.”

  “This isn’t your typical soldier’s standard issue suit of armor, you know.”

  “No,” agreed Tim. “I wouldn’t think so.”

  “This armor was passed down to me by my late father,” said the captain. “It’s been in my family for seven generations. I have no sons.”

  “Why not?”

  “Haven’t had time. Haven’t met the right girl. You know.”

  “I’m sure she’s out there,” said Tim. “You’re a good enough looking guy. Gainfully employed. Have you met my sist-”

  “The point,” interrupted the captain, “is that I would rather die by the hands of my enemies than dishonor my family line by letting a murderer escape justice under my watch. This is the armor I choose to die in.”

  “Seriously,” said Tim. “You’re going to talk to me about honor right after you tell me about how you’re going to cut my helpless friend’s head off, and disembowel me while I’m unarmed.”

  “It is unfortunate that-”

  “And what about the dishonor to your family line by letting a murderer escape? Cooper’s the one you want. As many of us as you kill, Cooper will surely be one of the last to fall. You’ll still be letting a murderer escape under your watch.”

  “But I will have died in my attempt to uphold the law, and there is honor in that.”

  “What if we give you the chance to go mano-a-mano with Cooper? His axe against your sword?”

  “Sure,” the sneer returned to the captain’s face. “And the rest of you lot will just sit back and watch while I cut down your friend, right? Forgive me if I don’t trust a group of criminals to not stab me in the back. No, I think I’m going to decline your offer. I think I’ll be able to take out at least four or five of you before you kill me. If the big guy remains standing, he’s dumb enough so that he’ll be easily captured later without all of his little friends to help keep him out of trouble.”

  “Um... Tim,” said Dave.

  “Not now Dave!” Tim shouted back at him.

  “I think you ought to see this,” Dave insisted.

  Tim whipped his head around. “What?”
He ran around to the front of the wagon to get a better view of what Dave was looking at.

  Dave knew what was coming. He’d seen this cloud of dust once before. He’d felt these same tremors. Horses, and lots of them.

  Tim ran back to face Captain Righteous. “You talked a big game,” he said. “But you haven’t done anything. If you were going to die in a blaze of honor and glory, why haven’t you started killing us yet? Why have we been standing around talking?”

  The captain smiled down at Tim. “You are the one who wanted to talk.”

  “You’ve just been stalling, haven’t you?”demanded Tim. “Those are reinforcements coming, aren’t they?”

  “How do you like my odds now, little man?”

  “For such an honorable man, you sure are a sneaky motherfucker.”

  “And for such a sneaky rogue, you sure are a dumb motherfucker,” the captain retorted.

  “Listen, shitbag!” Tim shouted, taking a step forward. He stopped suddenly, his crossed eyes fixed on the end of the captain’s sword at his nose.

  The thundering sound of horses in the distance drew nearer. Whoever was coming was doing so in a hurry.

  “It matters not to me,” said the captain, looking down the length of his sword blade at Tim, “whether you die here by my sword, or die tomorrow morning at the end of a rope. Who knows? You may even concoct some sort of brilliant escape plan during the night.”

  Tim took a step back.

  Captain Righteous laughed. “I wouldn’t count on it, though. The prisons in Cardinia are far more secure than the little dungeon in Algor. And they are much more accustomed to dealing with prisoners with all of your different skill sets.”

  “I want to talk to Mordred,” Tim said coolly.

  “Who is Mordred?”

  “You know damn well who he is.”

  The captain furrowed his brow in confusion. “I honestly have no idea who you’re talking about. If this is some sort of last-minute trick, I can assure you that you’re far too late.”

  “I know you’re in there, you fat shit bucket!” Tim shouted.

  “I beg your pardon!” The captain was taken aback. “I understand you’re upset, but I don’t have an ounce of fat on my-“

  “Are you having fun in there?” Tim continued shouting. “While we’re all struggling for our lives, you’re sitting in my restaurant –“

  “You’ve gone mad!”

  “Drinking my beer, eating my Popsicles, and jerking off to my sister!”

  “Ew, Tim!” said Katherine. “Please don’t give him any ideas.”

  Captain Righteous cocked one eyebrow. “Popsicles?”

  Tim didn’t seem to hear any of it. He just kept on shouting. “You think you’re so great and powerful, with your magic dice, and your shitty car, and that stupid fucking velvet curtain that you wear on your back, and...” Anything else he said after that was drowned by the din of hooves pounding the ground around them.

  Chapter 21

  Tim’s whirlwind of verbal abuse was drowned out by the stampede of horses surrounding him from all sides. His shouting degenerated into a mindless string of obscenities that even he couldn’t hear anymore. Captain Righteous removed his foot from Julian’s back and lowered his sword. Tim took the opportunity to breathe.

  “Ho!” shouted the commanding officer, raising his right arm and bringing his horse to a stop. The rest of the horses stopped as well, forming what looked to be an impenetrable circle around the wagon. This was no band of lowly, first-level, throwaway guards. These were fully fleshed-out, multi-level characters that Mordred had obviously put some time into preparing. No amount of Cooper’s rage, Julian’s sorcery, Katherine’s summonations, Dave’s healing, Chaz’s music, or Tim’s slipperiness was going to get them out of this one.

  The commanding officer removed his helmet, revealing a full head of gray hair, and a luxuriously long mustache to match. “Captain Righteous Justificus Blademaster,” he said, smiling down at the captain. “It’s been too long.”

  Captain Righteous got down on one knee and touched his forehead to the hilt of his sword. “Major Portheus,” he said solemnly. “It is a great honor to be able to serve you again.”

  “Stand up, man!” the Major commanded cheerfully. Captain Righteous jumped to his feet. “So what do you have here for me today? A rowdy looking bunch they look to be.”

  “That they are, sir.”

  The major scrutinized the group. “An unusual mix of comrades as well.” He shrugged. “So what are the charges you have against these... er... prisoners?”

  “First and foremost, the cold-blooded murder of one of my men, sir. There is also theft, breaking into the manor of Lord-”

  “One at a time, Captain,” said the major. “Let’s start with the murder. My sources tell me you have some pretty damning evidence to support this allegation.”

  “In addition to the dozens of eyewitnesses I can provide, you’ll find the head of the victim in the half-orc’s bag.”

  The major raised his eyebrows, and there was a rumbling murmur from the rest of the soldiers.

  “Henderson!” Major Portheus called out.

  “Sir!”

  “Kindly fetch the half-orc’s bag, would you?”

  “Right away, sir!”

  The major looked at Cooper, who was shifting in his seat, unsure of what to do. “Easy there, big feller. Don’t put yourself in any more trouble than you’re already in. You’ll get your chance to speak.”

  Cooper looked at Tim. Tim nodded. Cooper reluctantly released his bag to the soldier that had ridden up to retrieve it.

  “Orc scum,” Henderson muttered as he took the bag from Cooper.

  “I covered your mother in orc’s come last night.”

  Despite the gravity of the situation, Chaz and Dave snorted.

  “Nice one, Coop,” said Dave when he got himself under control.

  “I don’t get it,” said Katherine. “Orc scum? What’s so funny about... wait a second... orc’s co... ew, you guys are fucking gross!”

  A few chuckles echoed from within the helmets of some of the soldiers situated near Henderson.

  “Why you filthy son of a whore!” shouted Henderson, drawing his sword.

  “Henderson!” shouted Major Portheus. “Put your sword away. Open the bag and let’s see what we’ve got.” He backed up his horse and muttered under his breath to the soldier next to him. “Orc’s come. It was pretty funny.”

  “Yes, sir!” the soldier responded. “Absolutely hilarious, sir!”

  The major flinched, and then exchanged an awkward glance with Henderson, who looked devastated even with the visor of his helmet down.

  “Go on,” said the major, casting an annoyed glance at the soldier next to him. “What’s in the bag?”

  “Yegh!” said Henderson. “It’s a head all right.” He grabbed the head by the hair and held it up above his head for everyone to see. The air was suddenly filled with echoing gasps, swears, curses, and angry grumbles.

  “Silence!” shouted Major Portheus. “Stand up and be judged, half-orc!”

  Cooper stood up.

  “State your name.”

  “Donald McKinley Cooper.”

  There was another brief period of murmuring from the crowd on horseback.

  “That, um...” said the major, “doesn’t sound very orcish.”

  “It’s not,” said Cooper.

  The major shrugged. “All right then, Mr. Cooper. What have you got to say for yourself?”

  “Yesterday,” Cooper began. “I couldn’t even afford a night’s lodging.”

  Tim and his friends exchanged confused looks.

  Captain Righeous wouldn’t have known what Cooper was leading up to any better than the rest of him, but the look on his face suggested that he knew it was bullshit. “Major Portheus,” he interrupted. “It’s obvious that he’s-”

  “Quiet, Captain,” said the major, politely but firmly. “I would hear what the accused has to say before I
pass my judgment. Go on, Mr. Cooper.”

  Cooper continued his story. “I had only one silver piece to my name, and I spent it.” He paused, raising his eyes to face the major.

  “I’m not sure I understand,” said Major Portheus. “Are you saying that you blame... society, or something... for your decision to commit murder?”

  “Not at all,” said Cooper earnestly. “I’m just saying that I think Henderson’s mom owes me some change.”

  The entire contingent of soldiers roared in laughter. Dave wiped tears from his eyes and fell backwards off the side of the cart, and then continued laughing. Major Portheus punched the arm of the soldier next to him and laughed so hard that he started coughing violently and went red in the face. The only two people who weren’t laughing were Captain Righteous, who stood in place stoically, waiting for the laughter to die down, and Henderson, who was shaking and nearly boiling in his armor. His knuckles were white around the hilt of his sword.

  After a few minutes had passed, Major Portheus collected himself, wiped a tear from each eye, and suppressed the tiny fit of giggles still bubbling to the surface. “Whew,” he said. “I haven’t laughed that hard in years.” He brushed his gray hair back from where it had fallen over his eye. “But the time for laughter is finished. It is my judgment that the accused, Mr. Donald McCartney-”

  “McKinley,” Cooper corrected him.

  “McKinley Cooper, is to be executed here and now by Henderson’s sword.” He looked at Henderson, eyebrows raised.

  Henderson dropped to one knee. “Thank you, sir! Right away, sir!”

  “Round the rest of them up,” The major said casually. “They can stand trial and be hanged tomorrow morning.”

  “What!” shrieked Katherine.

  “Sorry, dear,” said the major. “Can’t afford to make exceptions. You fell in with a bad crowd. There are penalties for murder in this realm.”

  Two of the soldiers dismounted and brought Dave to his feet.

  Cooper stood tall in the middle of the wagon, staring the soldiers one by one in the eye, as if daring each to be the first one to try and grab him.

  Chaz stood back to back with Cooper, but there was no defiance in his face. He cradled his lute in his arms as if he were trying to hide behind it. As a last ditch effort, he plucked at the strings with trembling hands.