Critical Failures (Caverns and Creatures Book 1)

by Robert Bevan

  “Sleep, baby, sleep,” he sang weakly at the helmeted faces moving slowly and cautiously toward him. “Your father tends the sheep.” Cooper collapsed in a heap behind him. “Fuck.”

  “Thank you, bard,” said Henderson. He pulled the lute out of Chaz’s hands and threw it on the ground.

  It took three soldiers to haul Cooper’s sleeping body off of the cart. They placed him on the ground as gently as they could to avoid waking him up.

  Tim, Katherine, Julian, and Dave were rounded up easily, with Butterbean being spared on the condition that Katherine order him to keep his distance from the soldiers.

  “Make it quick, Henderson,” said the major.

  Henderson walked over to Cooper, and drew his sword.

  “Tim,” whispered Katherine. “Do something!”

  Tim looked up at Katherine helplessly. What could he do? Katherine looked down at him with tears welling up in her eyes.

  “Wait!” shouted Tim. “Cooper is innocent, and I can prove it!”

  Major Portheus sighed. Henderson, who had already begun to raise his sword, looked to his commanding officer for instruction. The major waved him down.

  “This had better be good, halfling.”

  Tim scrambled around in his mind for something to say. Not the right words, necessarily, as he didn’t think those actually existed. Just any words would do now. He turned to Captain Righteous. “Do you remember the first time you saw me?”

  “I remember,” said the captain in a tone of voice that suggested that he was only going to put up with a very small amount of this nonsense.

  “Do you remember what I had with me when you caught me?”

  “You had some small weapons,” said the captain impatiently. “A bow and a knife or something. What of it?”

  “That’s right,” said Tim. He paused and looked around, making sure he had everyone’s full attention. “But what didn’t I have?”

  “A week left to live?”

  The major chuckled, as did his men. Even Henderson joined in this time.

  “That’s yet to be seen,” said Tim. “But that’s not the point I was trying to make.”

  “I do hope you intend to share that with us very shortly,” said the major.

  “Of course, sir,” said Tim. “Your majorness, er... your majesty, er... ah! Your majority!”

  The major sighed again, and folded his arms.

  “Ravenus!” Tim shouted.

  Ravenus, who had been hiding under the canvas, scooted out, stood up, and flew to perch on the edge of the wagon near Tim.

  “There,” said Tim, triumphantly. “You see?”

  “I see a bird,” said the major. “What about it?”

  “Well,” said Tim. “First of all, look how big it is!” He glanced over at his friends and his sister. They were all staring back at him with wide-eyed disbelief.

  “What are you doing?” Katherine mouthed.

  “This is nonsense!” said Captain Righteous. “He’s stalling for time.”

  “Time for what?” asked the major.

  “Yeah,” said Tim. “What could I possibly hope to accomplish by buying a few more seconds?”

  “He’s a sneaky one, sir,” the captain warned.

  The major looked down at Tim. “If you have a point, make it now,” he demanded. “Otherwise, stand aside and let me... wait... what’s this?” His eyes went wide. He dismounted his horse and approached Tim. “You little shit!”

  The soldiers looked at one another.

  Captain Righteous stepped back, momentarily confused. He cleared his throat. “Um, sir?”

  Tim heard something behind him that might have been a small explosion an instant before Major Portheus snapped his fingers. Startled, he whirled around to investigate the noise. The whole world had become silent and still.

  Cooper’s eyes were clenched shut, and his cheeks bellowed out like ship sails. In front of his face was a frozen mist of snot and spittle. Two balls of snot hung still in the air like a photograph of twin comets racing through an asteroid field.

  Tim scanned the crowd. No one moved, not even so much as to breathe. Not a single blade of grass betrayed the slightest hint of a breeze.

  “I suppose you think you’re pretty clever,” said Major Portheus.

  Tim turned back around. Time, apparently, hadn’t stopped for him or the major. It could only mean one thing. Tim swallowed.

  “Not really,” he said. “You kind of gave yourself away, stepping out of character like that.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about!” said the major, scowling.

  “Then what are you talking about?” asked Tim, feigning innocence.

  “I’m locked in the goddamn freezer!”

  “Oh, right,” said Tim. “Then I’d like to change my answer to ‘Yes’. Yes, I do think I’m pretty clever.”

  “Fine,” said Mordred. “Ha ha. You had your little joke. Now tell me how to get out of here.”

  “Wow,” said Tim.

  “What?”

  “Who’s living in a fantasy world now?” asked Tim, walking away to examine a butterfly.

  The major followed him. “What do you mean?”

  Tim got down on his hands and knees. He blew softly against the butterfly, but it didn’t stir. He looked up into the major’s face. “Do you really expect me to help you murder my friends? You seriously believe that I’m just going to let you out of the freezer and trust you to be a decent guy? This is what you call leverage.”

  The major’s face grew livid. Impotence and hatred shone out of eyes that were unmistakably Mordred’s. Tim tightened his lips to a position just short of a smile.

  “Here’s the deal,” said Mordred. “You and I both know there’s a poorly designed handle around here somewhere that I just can’t see because it’s dark. But I’m feeling around, and I’m eventually going to find it. If I find it before you tell me how to get out of here, I’m going to kill all of you, and it’s not going to be quick and painless either.”

  Tim yawned. “I’ll wait.”

  “Fine,” said Mordred.

  Tim crossed his arms and tapped a foot for a few seconds, and then felt his jaw slacken. The red rage flowed out of the major’s face. His skin turned pale, almost gray. Dark circles formed under suddenly heavy eyelids. He looked tired and haggard, and was shivering in spite of the warm sunshine.

  “I’ve been at it for hours,” said the major through chattering teeth. “I can’t find the latch.”

  “Seriously?” said Tim. “Hours? How can it have been hours?”

  Mordred sighed. “Time passes differently here. I paused the game, so it’s only been a second for you. I’m fucking freezing, man. Please let me out of here.”

  “Did you at least find the Popsicles?”

  “Fuck you.”

  Tim laughed shallowly. “You know my biggest regret? I won’t be around to see your obituary. ‘Fat nerd dies alone in chicken freezer.’”

  “You’re really going to let me freeze to death?” asked Mordred. “That’s really the sort of person you are?”

  Tim frowned and gazed into the distance. Then he turned back to face Mordred sighed.

  “No, Mordred,” he said. “I’m not going to let you freeze to death.”

  “So there’s a way out of here?” Hope sprang into Mordred’s voice, though his teeth still chattered.

  “Oh yeah,” said Tim. “Piece of piss. No problem.” He turned around and started walking back toward his friends.

  “Where are you going?” asked Mordred.

  “I’m gonna go watch all my friends get killed. You coming?”

  “Do you think I’m fucking around?” the major shrieked after him. “I will murder every last fucking one of you!”

  Tim stumbled to a stop and turned around. “I swear to God, Mordred. The first one of them that you lay a finger on is the deal breaker.”

  The major slumped towards him and dropped to his knees. “Come on,” he pleaded. “You said you w
eren’t going to let me freeze to death.”

  “And I won’t,” said Tim. “It’s barely below freezing in there. You’re much more likely to die of dehydration or asphyxiation.”

  “And you’re just going to let that happen? Yeah, you’re a real fucking hero.”

  “I saw on TV once that you can drink your own piss. I think it was on the Discovery Channel.”

  “Come on, man. I’m begging you.”

  Tim waved to his friends and shouted, “Sorry guys! Looks like we’re all going to die!”

  The major grabbed Tim by the shoulder and spun him around. “If I spare you and your friends, will you tell me how to get out of the freezer?”

  “Absolutely,” said Tim. He gave the major a cheeky grin.

  Major Portheus and Tim returned to where they had been standing when time had stopped. Any slight deviation from their original postures went unnoticed when the major snapped his fingers, as everyone’s attention was briefly diverted by Cooper’s sneeze.

  “Is everything... okay, sir?” asked Captain Righteous.

  “Everything is fine, Captain. Don’t worry about a thing.” He cleared his throat, and commanded silence before addressing his men. “It is my order that these prisoners be released immediately and unmolested, and that all charges against them be dropped and forgotten.”

  A loud murmur rolled through the crowd. Once again, Tim’s group of friends looked at him in astonishment. He winked back at them.

  Henderson removed his helmet and threw it on the ground. “What is the meaning of this?” he demanded.

  “Begging your pardon, sir,” said Captain Righteous. “But I must agree with young Henderson. This is most irregular.” A murmur of approval echoed out from the soldiers at the captain’s words.

  Major Portheus shifted on his feet and lowered his head. “I find there is... um... insufficient evidence to warrant further prosecutory action.”

  Henderson shoved his sword into the ground, and picked up the severed head. He raised it once again above his head. “How’s this for sufficient evidence?” he shouted.

  The major glared down at Tim. Tim shrugged.

  The major sighed. “Let’s ask him what he thinks,” he said, pointing to the head in Henderson’s hand.

  The head came to life. “I’m... uh... in a better place now. I don’t wish to press charges.”

  Henderson screamed and threw the head away as if it was suddenly on fire.

  “Fuck this,” came a voice from within one of the helmets. He was easily identifiable afterward, as he was the one on the horse galloping away. A few more followed after him.

  “Deserters!” Captain Righteous shouted, moving as if to go after them.

  Major Portheus put a calming hand on him. “Let them go. It’s been a rough day. They’ll come back around.”

  “Sir,” said the captain with some hesitation in his voice. “I know it is not my place to question your judgment, but I-”

  “You are correct,” said the major sternly. “It is not your place.”

  Captain Righteous shut his mouth.

  “However,” said the major. “If you will join me for a very very strong drink, I will explain everything. I could use a man like you under my direct command.”

  “Of course, sir. As you wish.”

  “Come on, men” the major called out. “Let’s head back to town. Drinks are on me tonight.”

  The command was met with a series of shrugs and contented murmurs. One soldier, however, would not be subdued with the promise of free liquor.

  “Major, sir!” shouted Henderson in a decidedly defiant tone of voice.

  “Yes, Henderson. What is it?”

  “This barbarian monster has besmirched the honor of my mother. I cannot let that go unavenged. I demand his ugly head!”

  Major Portheus looked down at Tim. Tim shook his head.

  “How about…” said the major slowly and thoughtfully. “How about I promote you to the rank of captain?”

  Henderson’s jaw and shoulders dropped. “What, really?”

  “You did well today, son. I see a lot of potential in you.”

  “Okay,” said Henderson, walking away from Cooper, who was still asleep on the ground. “That’ll do.”

  “I hear there’s an opening in Algor,” said the major, looking over at Captain Righteous. “Let’s get back to town,” he said, stepping into his stirrup and mounting his horse. “If ever there was a man and a drink who needed to be together...”

  Chapter 22

  Tim slapped Cooper lightly on his huge gray cheek. “Cooper, wake up.”

  Without waking, Cooper yawned, grabbed Tim one-handed around the waist, and tossed him away as if he were a doll. He turned over, smacked his lips a couple of times, and resumed snoring.

  “Dammit, Cooper! Wake up!” said Tim, rising to his feet and dusting himself off. He stomped back toward Cooper and gave him a swift kick in the ass.

  “Hey, fuck off!” Cooper barked. “Can’t a guy get any sleep? Show some fucking consider –“ He sat up, eyes wide open. “Hey. Where did all the soldiers go?” He looked around. “Why aren’t we all dead?”

  “I think I may have just bought us a ticket home,” said Tim.

  Everyone gathered around Tim, speaking at once. “What?” “How?” “What happened back there?”

  Tim picked up the severed head and placed it on the back end of the wagon, where it was low enough for him to reach. “Hey Mordred. You in there? How are you feeling?”

  The head came wearily to life. “Cold,” it said.

  “Cold?” said Cooper. “It’s in the middle of summer, and you’re on the Gulf of fucking Mexico. How can you possibly be cold?”

  “You sneaky son of a bitch,” said Dave, laughing and punching Tim in the arm. “Popsicles, indeed!”

  One by one, the light of understanding shone on everyone’s faces. Everyone, that is, except for Chaz.

  “What the hell are you guys talking about? What do Popsicles have to do with anything?”

  Dave answered. “Tim lured Mordred into the freezer by mentioning that he had Popsicles in there.” Chaz looked less than satisfied with this explanation, so Dave continued. “The freezer door only opens from the outside.”

  “He’s locked in the chicken freezer?”

  “Yep,” said Tim. “The indoor latch is broken. Major safety hazard.”

  “Wait a second,” said Mordred. “If the latch is broken... Didn’t you say getting me out of here would be a piece of shit?”

  “Piece of piss,” corrected Tim.

  “That means it’s easy, right?”

  “Incredibly easy.”

  “So what do I do?”

  “Bring us home, and I’ll open the door.”

  The head on the wagon closed its eyes. “I can’t bring you back.”

  “Look,” said Tim testily. “I appreciate your dedication to the game, but it’s time to concede defeat.”

  “No,” said Mordred. “I mean I really can’t. Not without the dice.”

  “What dice?” asked Katherine. “What’s he talking about?”

  “The dice he used to send us here,” said Tim. “Wait... You did roll a die, didn’t you?”

  “No, I didn’t roll any fucking die. He threw a rock at me and I threw it back at him.”

  Tim rolled his eyes. “Did the rock have twenty sides?”

  “How should I know? I didn’t stop to count them.”

  “Excuse me!” the head on the wagon shouted, silencing everyone else. “The dice are on the table up front. I can’t get to them from here, and I can’t get you back home until I get those dice. Think of another way.”

  “Dude,” said Cooper. “Sounds like you’re fucked.”

  “Tim,” the head pleaded. “I swear on my mother’s soul, man. If you tell me where the latch is, I promise to bring you and your friends back here right away.”

  “It’s not a question of whether or not I believe you,” said Tim. “I don’t, incid
entally. But I’m being perfectly honest with you. There’s no latch. It’s broken. Maybe a customer will come in tomorrow morning, and you can bang on the door and hope they hear you.”

  Mordred sighed through chattering teeth. “I locked the front door.”

  “Well,” said Tim. “Then it looks like Cooper’s pretty much spot on. You’re fucked.”

  “Come on, man!” the head shouted. “This isn’t fucking funny anymore. I’m fucking freezing to death in here! I’ve learned my lesson. Just let... me... out!” The pauses in his voice suggested that he was pounding on the freezer door as he shouted those last three words. The head closed its eyes and started crying.

  “Shit,” said Julian. “That’s a hell of a way to go.”

  “Good for him!” said Katherine. “The fucker deserves it.”

  “Nobody deserves that,” said Julian.

  Chaz took Tim by the elbow, and nodded his head off to the side. Tim willingly followed him. The rest of the group followed as well.

  “Dude,” said Chaz in a tone just above a whisper. “I don’t want to come off as like… insensitive, or whatever. But if he dies in that freezer, what’s going to happen to us?”

  “We’ll definitely lose our business license,” said Tim. Nobody laughed. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

  “I know,” said Katherine.

  “You know what?” asked Tim.

  “I know what will happen when Mordred dies,” she said. “We’ll be stuck here for good.”

  “But if Mordred’s not there to run the game, who runs it?” asked Chaz.

  “She’s right,” said Dave. “I remember Mordred said something about that in the woods. If he’s not around, the game goes on autopilot or something.”

  “That’s right,” said Cooper. “I remember. He said he’s been the one controlling our encounters so far, which is why we’ve been fighting leopards and ants and shit. But when he’s gone, there’s no telling what we’ll run into out in the wilderness.”

  Tim looked around. They were still in the grass near the road, and had a wide range of vision in every direction. But forests were visible off in the distance on both sides, and they suddenly looked a lot darker and more uninviting.