Critical Failures (Caverns and Creatures Book 1)
Page 28
“Well then I guess we’d better get out of the wilderness,” said Tim.
“Come on, guys,” the head on the wagon called out, making everyone jump. “Don’t let me die in a freezer! I’m so cold. So fucking cold.”
“What should we do with him?” asked Dave.
Tim answered. “I don’t think we should bring him to- what’s this city called? The one we’re headed to?”
“Cardinia,” said Julian.
“Yeah. I don’t think we should bring him there.”
“But we need him,” said Katherine. “What if he thinks of a way to bring us back? What if we think of a way to get him out of the freezer?”
“Fuck getting him out of the freezer,” said Cooper. “If he gets out, he’s not going to bring us back.”
“How do you know?” asked Katherine.
“Would you?”
“Of course I-”
“I meant if you were him,” said Cooper. “He knows that the second we come back we’re going to beat the shit out of him. Anyway, he’s a sad little fuck who gets off on having power over other people. As soon as he got out, he’d just laugh at us and send a bunch of shit out to fight us.”
“But if it’s our only chance to get back home,” Katherine argued.
“Mordred can talk to us from anywhere and by whatever means he likes,” said Tim. “Be it a horse, a mosquito, or some random asshole on the street. We’ve just been given a clean slate with the law of this land, and I don’t think it’s wise to go marching into one of its largest cities with a severed human head in our bag.”
“So you just want to leave it here?”
“We’ll bury it. Cooper, can you dig a hole?”
“Yeah,” said Cooper, his voice uncharacteristically somber. “No problem.” After a few strokes of his axe into the thick, green grass, he lifted out a chunk of earth that they could have buried an entire body under.
Tim walked over to the head. “Mordred?”
Moist eyes looked dolefully at him.
“I’m truly sorry you’re going to die in my freezer. I genuinely thought you would be able to bring us back, and that this was the only way to force your hand. You didn’t leave me any choice.”
He waited for a response, but the head just stared back at him coldly, its teeth chattering.
“We’re going to bury this head, so it’s probably time to find a new conduit if you think of any ideas.”
The eyes in the head grew heavy. They lost the coldness in their stare, and succumbed to exhaustion. “I’ve tried... everything,” it said, the words broken by a yawn.
“Dammit, Mordred,” said Tim. “Did you go away again? How long were you gone?”
“Hours,” it said. The eyes in the head struggled to stay open. “It’s probably sometime in the morning now. It’s all over. I’m sorry I put you guys through this.”
“Come on, Mordred,” said Tim, slapping the head on the cheeks. “Wake up. You know, the chicken in there is pre-cooked. I mean, it’s frozen, and probably tastes pretty shitty, but it’s okay to eat.”
The head wheezed a hollow laugh. “I know. I’ve eaten a box of it already. Not bad.”
Katherine started sobbing. She dropped to her knees and buried her face in Butterbean’s fur.
“If you run into any of the others,” the head said wearily, “let them know I’m sorry too.”
“What others?” demanded Tim. “Who are the fucking others?”
“He’s sent people here before,” said Dave. “We can talk about this later. Let’s just get this done.”
“I’m going to go to sleep now,” said Mordred, yawning. “And I don’t think I’m ever going to wake up again. Good luck, guys.” The eyelids slowly closed, and the head’s breathing became soft and steady.
A whirlwind of reality hit Tim all at once. He grabbed the head by the ears and shook it. “Wake the fuck up, man!” he shouted. “We need you to get us the fuck out of here! We don’t fucking belong here!”
Cooper’s giant hand gripped Tim’s arm, gently but firmly, until he stopped shaking the head. Once again, it was just a cold and lifeless hunk of flesh and bone. “Let him go, man. You did the best you could.” With his other hand, he removed the head from Tim’s grasp and tossed it unceremoniously into the hole.
“Should we say something?” asked Julian, cradling Ravenus in his arms. All eyes immediately went to Dave.
“What?” asked Dave, taking a step back.
“You’re a cleric,” said Julian.
“Guys, I’m just fucking Dave. I haven’t been to fucking seminary. I haven’t taken any fucking vows. I- fuck. No, I don’t want to say anything.”
“Chaz?” said Julian. “A song maybe?”
“All I’ve got on me right now is a Whitesnake song that will help us all fight better. I don’t know if it’s appropriate for... this.”
“Fine,” said Julian. “Let’s just cover him up. Coop?”
Cooper covered the hole and patted the earth on top of it.
Tim looked up at Cooper with tears in his eyes. His sister’s crying had caught hold of him. “What are we going to do?”
Cooper stood up. He spoke confidently and authoritatively. “We’re going to grab our shit, go into that town, find the nearest tavern, get shitfaced drunk, and then see how things look in the morning.”
Tim smiled through his tears and nodded. He looked around. One by one, the rest of the group nodded as well. Katherine wiped the tears from her eyes.
The setting sun cast a pink light across the evening sky, dotted with purple, wispy clouds as the friends walked together in silence toward the city of Cardinia.
The End.
Don’t stop now! The adventure continues with…
Critical Failures II: Fail Harder
Critical Failures III: A Storm of S-Words
Also, take a look at these short stories. Tim, Julian, Dave, and Cooper’s continuing mini-adventures in the world of Caverns and Creatures.
Cave of the Kobolds
ZOMBIE ATTACK!!!
Orcs, Bears, and Assholes
Shipfaced
Dungeon Crawl
The Creep on the Borderlands
Nymph-O-Maniacs
Buzzkill
Cooper’s Christmas Carol
Sticky White Mess: A Love Story
Clerical Error
Cornholed
House of Madness
Naga Please
For updates on what I’m currently working on, reviews, or just to come by and say hello, you can find me here on Facebook,here on Twitter, and here at
www.caverns-and-creatures.com.
Thank you, No Hyun Jun, for your fantastic cover art.
Thank you, Joan Reginaldo, for continuing to read through my dreadful first drafts.
Thank you, No Young Sook, for your love and support.
And finally, I’d like to send out one more thank you for DeadPixel Publications. Thank you for inviting me to be part of your group.
If you enjoyed this story, please leave a review. It would mean so much to me.