Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist

by Niki Jilvontae

  K.J. and I made eye contact as he walked out the door and without saying a word he told me how hurt he was. I knew it too because it was written all over his little sad face. I walked closer to hug him just as my phone rang and I sprung over to my nightstand to see who it was instead. I looked at the ID to see that it was my best friend Rah, short for Rahquel, before I turned back to nod at my brother.

  “Just go handle your business lil bruh, I’ll pick y’all up after school and shit.” I said to K.J. as he nodded his head and began to walk away before he turned back to say something.

  “Oh yeah. It’s a nigga in there with her Na Na so be careful. I don’t know who it is but I know it has to be some nothing ass nigga from the hood. Watch yourself sis.” K.J. said as he looked down at the white wife beater and black panties I had on then pointed to the spot under my dresser where he knew I kept my gun.

  I nodded back at him, told him I understood before he walked away and I turned back to the phone.

  “Hello Thot Hotline, this is your Thot Facilitator Na Na speaking. How can I help you?” I said into the phone laughing as I heard my best friend laugh and squeal on the other end.

  “BIIITTTCCCCHHHHHH. What took yo ole swollen head ass so long to say hello? I can’t even order no thots right now cause bitch I got the TEAAAAAA!” Rah said laughing as I rolled my eyes while laughing and sat back down on my bed.

  I knew that my friend had some real gossip whenever she yelled about some damn tea. Rah was the messiest, in yo business, got something to say ass bitch that I knew; so she was always ready to report like News Channel 3 and my ass was always ready to listen.

  “What bitch? What’s the tea and whose brew is it?” I asked Rah as she laughed then suddenly got quiet.

  Her sudden silence made me nervous as hell for some reason, so I yelled out for her ass to spill it while she suddenly started to laugh again.

  “Okay, okay ole anxious bitch. I’m telling you right now though, you not gonna like this tea because it’s about Jug.” Rah said and all of the anxiousness and excitement within me disappeared.

  “Jug? My Jug?” I asked Rah as she sucked her teeth and repeated his name.

  “Yes ma’am, I’m talking about yo Jug.” Rah said as my heart raced and I wondered what she could be talking about.

  Jug was a tall, black, sexy muthafucka from the hood I had been kicking it with tough for about six months. Now true enough he wasn’t my man per say, but the shot of virgin pussy I had given him the month before made him my man in my mind; so hearing that he was mixed in the tea had me all fucked up and in my feelings quick.

  “What bitch? What about Jug?” I asked Rah as she grunted and someone yelled her name in the background.

  I sat there nervous and on edge the entire time she yelled back and forth with her mother before my patience ran out.

  “BITCH. Quit arguing with Tiff’s ole grumpy ass and spill the tea. WHAT IS THE TEA ABOUT JUG?” I yelled into the phone impatient as I got up to pace the floor.

  Rah laughed in my ear before she continued her screaming match with her ghetto ass mama Tiffany, then she came back to the phone.

  “Bitch, I can’t get into all that right now because as you can see… TIFFANY HAS LOST HER DAMN MIND!” Rah said laughing as her mother’s voice got closer and I could tell she was in the room.

  “All I’m gonna say right now is that nigga didn’t come home last night and word on the streets is that he boo’ed up with some old hoe.” Rah said and my heart kinda dropped into my feet.

  I felt the wind leave my body a little and my head begin to spin so I sat back down on the bed as Rah’s words replayed in my mind.

  “Some old hoe? Boo’ed up?” I repeated out loud to myself as Rah confirmed.

  “Yep, some old hoe. Now, I will tell you the rest when you get here. Just hurry up cause this wench getting on my nerves.” Rah said as she laughed again and her mother yelled that she was the wench in the background.

  I don’t even remember hanging up the phone with Rah after that because my mind was so gone. The next thing I knew I was standing at my dresser and ripping down all of the pictures of me and Jug I had hung up.

  “Weak ass nigga. Ugly black hoe. I know I ain’t yo bitch, not in the sense of the word, but damn you can’t even have a lil respect. Fuck yo pussy ass.” I said to myself as tears ran down my cheeks and I ripped the pictures into tiny pieces.

  Even though I sucked that shit up and wiped the tears from my face, I was broken like a muthafucka on the inside. Jug was my first everything. My first love, my first sex partner, the first boy I trusted with all of me. I had known him all of my life and although he was three years older than me he always treated me like his woman and not some lil girl he was just tricking off with. I loved that nigga and held him down through everything, so I felt like a fool as I stormed back over to my bed to get my clothes and wondered what old hoe he was laying up with.

  “I hope that hoe was worth it, because I’m gonna fuck his life up.” I said to myself; hurt and angry as I walked out of my room and down the hall.

  Halfway down the hallway I passed my mother’s room and noticed that the door was half open. I peeked in briefly before I continued on to the bathroom with this eerie feeling looming over me. It felt like someone was watching me as I walked in and when I went into the bathroom to sit my clothes down I could have sworn I heard a footstep in the hall.

  Curious as hell to what the sound was, I slipped back out of the bathroom and down the hall towards my mama’s room. I could hear her snoring from the doorway as I peered into the dimly lit room and saw her naked body sprawled halfway out of the bed. I grunted to myself and hunched up my nose as I crept into the bedroom. The stale musky smell of cigarettes, black n milds, weed, and sex filled my nose as soon as I was inside and I had to use my hand to cover my mouth or throw up. The smell was so overpowering I almost ran back out, but the slightly moving figure wrapped in the covers next to my mama caught my eye. The person was so wrapped up I couldn’t even spot a sock as I bent down and tried to get a better view while at the same time picked up the $20 bill and pack of unopened Newports on the floor. The more I tried to see the tighter the person balled up so I finally gave up and moved on. I quickly tucked what I had picked up into my panties before I went over to the dresser and spotted the mountain of weed and money on top of it.

  I didn’t even think twice as I grabbed up a handful of weed and plucked two hundred dollar bills from the bottom of the stack. I held everything tightly in my hands as I backed away from the dresser, keeping my eyes on the sleeping fuckers in bed, then I crept out of the room. Once in the hall I finally let out the breath I had been holding and quickly tiptoed my way back to the bathroom. I got halfway to the door before that familiar, eerie feeling came over me again. However, I didn’t stop moving until I was inside the bathroom and had closed and locked the door behind me.

  “Shit.” I said to myself out of breath as I tore off a piece of toilet paper to wrap my weed in then sat it on the counter along with my money and cigarettes.

  I made sure the door was secure by pulling the full and heavy dirty clothes hamper in front of it before I jumped in the shower. As the hot water and Dove body wash I was using washed away my worries and the horrible stench from my mama’s room, my mind wondered back to my conversation with Rah. All I could hear was her saying Jug was boo’ed up with some old hoe and I wondered why the fuck I cared so much. He wasn’t my man after all; and other than my brothers I didn’t really give a fuck about anyone else up to that point. At least, that’s what I had told myself, but it was apparent that wasn’t true from how I reacted.

  “What the fuck wrong with you Na Na? We don’t show emotions. Feelings will get you killed.” I said out loud to myself once I had stepped out of the shower and stood in front of the foggy bathroom mirror.

  I stared into my own hazel, slanted eyes at that moment and answered my own damn question.

  “Because you really don’t know how it feel
s to be loved.” I told myself as that realization sunk in.

  It was true I didn’t know how it felt to truly be loved by anyone other than my brothers, and I had no fucking idea of how a real man should behave. All of the male examples I had in my life were either killers and dealers or some nothing ass nigga my mama had laid up with. All of my uncles, cousins, and even my brothers were out in the streets and respected women about as much as they respected a pet.

  I had nobody to tell me or show me what real love was, so I thought being around Jug daily, having sex, and getting a few dollars when I asked was love and that he felt the same way that I felt. I was wrong as hell about that though and just thinking about it and realizing how much of a fool I had been sent me right back to beast mode on my I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck Na Na shit.

  “Fuck that nigga. I don’t need him and nobody else. I GOT ME!” I told myself before I got dressed, stashed my stolen shit in my bra, then left the bathroom.

  I crept back into my room quickly grabbed up my phone, shoes, purse and keys then headed to the kitchen determined to be gone before Spicy and her new, nothing ass nigga got up. In the kitchen, I quickly put on my shoes and put my purse on my shoulder before I grabbed a banana and pack of banana nut muffins. I stashed them in my purse as I eyed the kitchen door then went over to the fridge to grab a juice. I sighed to myself when I saw all of the apple juices on the top shelf were gone and I had to bend down to get an orange juice.

  I quickly grabbed the last one tucked on the back of the shelf and prepared to stand up and sprint out of the house when Spicy suddenly cleared her throat behind me. It was like one of those spooky scenes from a horror movie at that moment as I crouched down in the refrigerator with Spicy breathing like an obese, deranged dragon behind me. I could feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up and goosebumps pop up all over my arms as I continued to crouch and my heart beat in my throat. At any moment, I knew her lowdown ass would probably hit me in the back of the head or push me face first into the refrigerator. That was something she would do and think it was funny. That’s why with that in mind and the desire to not get snuck from the back, I stood my ass up and quickly faced her, which was the worst mistake ever. I should have taken my chances and waited on her to strike first while I was down so I could try to at least flip her over my back. That’s what I should have done but I didn’t, and as soon as I was facing her good, my mama’s right hand was around my neck and she had penned me up against the refrigerator.

  “You been in my room ain’t ya lil roguish ass bitch?” Spicy growled in my face as she flicked her tangled, 30-inch Brazilian weave to the side then blew her stanky ass breath in my face.

  That shit was so foul I almost threw up in my mouth, but that python like grip she had on my neck wouldn’t let it come up. All I could do was whimper and try to pry her hands off my neck as she laughed and continued to blow her breath.

  “I ain’t been in yo room Spicy. Now let me the fuck go.” I managed to whisper to my mother as I continued to work on her fingers and her grip got tighter by the second.

  I saw nothing but envy, hate, and a glimmer of resentment in my mama’s eyes as she continued to laugh and blow her breath in my face while she choked me and I struggled to get a loose. I tried but her little strong ass had caught me off guard which gave her an advantage and she wasn’t letting up.

  “You ain’t been in my room? You ain’t been in my room? That’s a muthafucking lie. I could still smell yo funky ass in the air when I woke up and noticed my shit gone. You the only thief in the house, so of course it was you. Give me my shit back now and I won’t break yo fucking neck.” Spicy said as she leaned forward and head butted me lightly enough to not leave a bruise but hard enough for my ass to feel it.

  As soon as she did that my head bounced back on to the refrigerator with enough force to make my ears ring. I could do nothing but to let go of her fingers and grab my ears as they continued to ring and Spicy continued to choke me.

  “You ready to be honest now klepto and give me my shit back? Huh? Huh? Or do I have to bang yo empty ass head on the refrigerator a few more times for yo slow ass to get it?” Spicy yelled as I finally let go of my ears and grabbed hold of her wrists.

  I grabbed her with every intention of flipping her on to the floor and whooping her ass. I was so tired of her shit that the little bit respect I had for her was gone. It was bad enough I called her by her name instead of mama or mommy. However, at that point as I stood there with my hands on her wrists and her hands around my throat, I thought of her as nothing more than another bitch and I showed her that. I mean, that’s how she treated me. From as far back as I could remember Spicy talked to me like a dog and treated me like a step child. She would always feed and clothe my brothers first and give me what was left. It was like the bitch resented my existence from birth, so I figured why should I give a fuck about her anymore. That’s why instead of flipping her like my first mind told me to I just jerked her little two feet shorter and 20-pound lighter ass closer to me and stared her in the eyes. I looked at her with all of the hurt and pain in my heart and told her exactly what I felt.

  “Steal from you? Spicy, you stole my entire fucking life from me. I have raised your kids and been your punching bag for far too long. I’m tired of this shit. Now yeah, I stole the shit; but somebody gotta pay bills and feed the boys because you sure haven’t been doing it. All you care about is yourself and that’s apparent, so why the fuck you always in my face? Every day I hear nothing but insults from you. Insults and hate. Why? Why Spicy? Is it because you’re jealous and you know I’m going to be everything you will never be?” I said and I saw a glimmer of guilt in her eyes that washed over her face like rain.

  That moment revealed the real Spicy to me; beneath all the hate, ratchetness, and tough talk. It revealed that little girl who became a mother too fast and never learned what to do. For a second I felt sorry for her and almost apologized for cursing her out. I quickly dismissed that thought though the moment she stepped forward and tried to head butt me again. I was waiting on her that time so I ducked to the side, released my grip on her left wrist and wrapped my right hand in her hair. I grabbed her lil ass up and jerked her around with a handful of her Brazilian tracks. The look on her face when I turned her towards me was priceless as I told her I wasn’t playing.

  “I’m done playing with you Spicy and I mean that. Keep yo muthafucking hands to yourself or I’mma drag you like any other bitch.” I yelled and Spicy said bet before she released one hand from my neck, punched me in the jaw, and the fight was on.

  Before I even knew what was happening Spicy and I were exchanging blows as she screamed and cursed; and my anger took over. I flung her little ass around that kitchen like a rag doll before I pinned her to the wall by the kitchen door.

  “Now you see? You see Spicy? You can’t whoop me. I just had a little bit of respect left for yo ass so I LET you hit me and talk shit. Not no more though. That shit ends today.” I said as Spicy continued to curse and struggle to get free.

  I wasn’t letting her go anywhere though, so I pushed my forearm into her throat and used the rest of my body to pin her tightly to the wall.

  “AYYYEEEE. Ayyee, stop this shit.” A familiar male voice said from the hall as I continued to hold Spicy and she yelled.

  “Fuck that nigga. Come get yo bitch off me before I kill her lil ass.” Spicy yelled as I looked around puzzled and the nigga entered the kitchen.

  At that moment I forgot all about the fight and the fact that I had Spicy pinned against the wall. I didn’t even realize I had let her go until she punched me in the side of the face and he grabbed her. I stood there in a daze, not believing what I was seeing as my mama flapped around and that bitch ass nigga tried to calm us both down. He spit that smooth player shit and thought I would eat that shit up, but he had me twisted. I wasn’t hearing anything he said as he talked because there was nothing he could say to fix what he had done. All I wanted to do was bust Jug’s muthafucking smi
rking face before I set him on fire and made my mama watch. They both had violated a code that was unwritten but understood and hurt me to my core. Spicy knew that too as she smirked and cursed while all of my love and hope died.

  “YOU MUTHAFUCKA.” I yelled as I lounged forward and punched Jug so fast he didn’t see it coming.

  I punched his ass hard too but he just kept talking as he held my mama around her waist.

  “It ain’t even that serious Na Na, you know what it is. I am who I am and yo mama is who she is. You and me wasn’t married or no shit like that, so pump yo breaks with all this shit.” Jug said and for the first time I saw him for what he really was, another nothing ass nigga.

  Jug had fucked me and my mama, and still stood in front of me smiling; and my mama, with her nasty ass had let the thot inside of her overpower common sense. I think that’s what hurt the most, that along with what she said.

  “Haaaaa, you mad ain’t ya lil bitch? You mad cause I fucked yo man? I told you I was gonna get yo lil smart ass for that run a nigga off shit you and yo brothers pulled last year. You thought I forgot huh? Well, hell naw. I told you I would take something you love. Now you see how it feels huh princess?” Spicy said and the words ripped and sliced up my heart like daggers.

  It was one thing for my mama to be a hoe and just fuck random niggas, but for her to fuck a nigga she knew I was with just to get revenge for some bullshit was incomprehensible.

  “What? What Spicy? All this because of Gerald old perverted ass? You wanted to marry his ole pedophile ass knowing he wanted to fuck me just so you could be rich? Really bitch? You pitiful Spicy. You pitiful and trifling and you bitches belong together. Fuck you and fuck you.” I said with tears in my eyes as I flipped the bird at them both then turned to walk to the door.

  When I got there I stopped and turned back around to stare at them as they just stood there quietly and looked at me.