Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist

by Niki Jilvontae

  “Spicy you know what? I feel sorry for yo nasty, black hearted ass. You say grandma had so many kids that by the time she had you she didn’t have any love left. You say you felt alone and unloved all your life because of that. Well, I can tell you this. It wasn’t because grandma didn’t have any more love left to give. It was because she could never love something as evil as you. You are rotten MAMA. Rotten right to your core. You don’t know love and never will experience it and that’s why I feel sorry for you. Now, I’m about to do what I do to take care of the kids YOU brought into this world. I will be back around seven tonight and I would appreciate it if you would be gone by then. Remember who pays the bills and who only has to make one call to CPS. I’m grown now Spicy, and my brothers are almost grown too. We can make it out here alone; but what yo nothing ass gonna do without their money and their unconditional love? Think about it.” I said as Spicy sucked her teeth and Jug looked at her dumbfounded.

  He didn’t know the leverage I had on Spicy and how I could destroy her whole fucked up little world if I really wanted to. See what he really didn’t know and what I had never truly realized was that in reality, she didn’t run shit. I had just let her think she did, but I was tired of it at that point.

  “Oh and by the way Spicy. Gerald didn’t leave you because of us. He left yo nasty, four kids before 35, four baby daddies having ass because he likes your best friend Cathy’s pussy better than yours. Bum Bitch.” I said as I laughed my way off the porch and all the way to my car.

  Once inside I continued to laugh as huge tears rolled down my face and I stared up at Spicy. She stood there still in Jug’s arms looking defeated but still determined to bring me pain. I couldn’t even watch anymore as she turned in Jug’s arms, wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close to whisper in his ear. He smiled at whatever she said as he gripped her ass in his hands and I sped out of the parking lot.

  Just like Smokey on Friday said about Red, I cried in the car like a fucking baby. I cried so hard I had to pull over a block from my house and get my shit together. I didn’t cry for that bitch ass nigga who had unknowingly signed his own death wish. No I cried for the loving, tender, incomparable mother, daughter bond that me and Spicy would never have. I cried out my tears of hope for a happy family and a normal life. By the time my phone rang and I was done crying my mind was in straight reckless mode.

  “What bitch? I’m on the way.” I yelled into the phone at Rah as she sucked in her breath and waited.

  I could tell she heard the hostility in my tone because she took a minute to respond.

  “Damn Na Na what’s wrong? Somebody else spilled the tea didn’t it?” Rah said as I wiped my face and pulled away from the curb.

  “Nah, nobody had to spill the tea. Hell, I walked in while the tea was being made. I live with the old hoe Jug boo’ed up with, but not for long. I’m on my way, we fina go get this money then we turning the fuck up all weekend. I gotta hurry up and get the fuck out of this city before I go to jail best friend. For real.” I said as Rah replied that she understood and asked me if I was okay.

  “Oh yeah, I’m okay best friend. You know me. Fuck that nigga, but Spicy? I can never forgive that bitch. I will forget about it for this weekend though and have me some fun. Fuck it. It’s time for Na Na to live a lil bit so get the bars, Loud, and niggas ready!” I said as Rah squealed on the other end and I headed towards her and another situation that would end up being more devastating than the first.

  Chapter 2

  By the time I pulled up in the Ridgecrest Apartments where Rah, her mother, and younger brother lived, I was livid as fuck. I couldn’t forget that evil ass smirk on Spicy’s face when she wrapped up with Jug. I couldn’t forget his fuck boy ass attitude either as I began to blow the horn then punch the steering wheel.

  “Punk muthafucka. I held my fucking virginity for 18 years trying my best not to be Spicy, only to fuck up and give my power to a nigga worse than the ones she fuck with. What the hell was I thinking? Ugggghhhhh!” I yelled to myself, frustrated as fuck while Rah ran out of the house and got into the car.

  I was still fuming, cursing, and punching the steering wheel when she closed the door and turned to look at me. For a minute I just sat there and tried to get back to that calm, beast mode I had been in driving there; but the longer I sat idle and thought, the more my punk ass emotions pushed their way to the surface. I didn’t even know tears were running down my cheeks until Rah reached over to wipe them away.

  “Best friend, it’s okay. What happened? I ain’t never seen you like this.” Rah said as I looked at her and the flood gates around my emotions broke.

  I cried like a psycho baby mama as I told Rah how Jug was laid up with Spicy right under my nose and how she and I had fought.

  “I don’t know why that bitch hates me so much, but she does Rah. She does. How could a mama do some shit like this?” I asked as my friend grabbed me and pulled me into her arms while she talked.

  “Shhh sis. It’s gonna be alright. Spicy don’t hate you, the bitch just don’t know how to love. Something happened to your mama way before you were born and that something fucked her up. Ain’t shit we can do about that sis. You gotta worry about you. On the other hand though, we can make Jug’s funky ass feel this same pain. You don’t deserve this shit sis.” Rah said as she held me and cried tears of her own.

  We sat there like that for a minute as I thought about all of the times in the past Spicy had brought me the same amount of pain and how I had vowed I would never let her do it again. I told myself I could get pass the fucked up shit she had done as I pushed my feelings to the side, sat back in my seat, and looked over at Rah’s flushed, pink face.

  “Damn you talk about me Rah, look at you. I ain’t never seen you like this. What the fuck you crying for ole ugly ass lil girl?” I asked my friend as we both laughed through our tears while we wiped them away.

  I watched Rah’s little, 130 lb, 5’6, red ass wipe her tears, pull down my visor, and fix her makeup before I asked her why she was crying again. True enough we were close and she should feel my pain, but she was crying like Spicy had fucked her man or something so I knew that shit was personal.

  “Wasup Rah? What you got going? You see the hell I’m going through, so what got you so fucked up?” I asked as I watched Rah close the visor then turn to stare at me.

  I could tell by the look on her face it was something serious and that for once the tea she was about to spill would be her own brew. However, I never expected what she said next.

  “I’m pregnant Na Na. That’s what me and Tiff was arguing about. I’m pregnant as fuck and I have no idea who the daddy is. I sit with you every day and we talk all that shit about how our mama’s are hoes and out here doing reckless shit, now look at me. I been fucking Yati, Mike, and Don on a consistent basis; so ain’t no telling which one the pappi. I fucked up Na. My shit more fucked up than yours now that Tiff found out and threatening to put me out. Maine, this shit crazy. I know what I’m gonna do now though.” Rah said as she nodded her head and then looked at me.

  I just sat there in disbelief looking at her as her words rung in my ears and I tried to figure out how both of us could be so fucking stupid. Before I got into a sexual relationship with Jug and he and I were still just friends, I would preach to Rah all the time about not fucking off with a lot of niggas and always protecting herself.

  All of that seemed like bullshit at that moment though as I sat my hypocritical ass there thinking about the nothing ass nigga I had given my treasure to. I had no room to talk or judge Rah for the shit she did. Hell, she had a fucked up female role model just like I did and had done her best to teach herself the ways of the world. That’s why I swallowed down the I told you so that threatened to come out of my lips and just offered my friend the same comfort she had given me.

  “Damn Rah, for real? It’s gonna be alright though, I promise. You know I’m here for you boo and I will be the papi of that damn baby. Hell, I already raise
d three. What’s one more?” I asked as I reached over and hugged Rah and she laughed through the tears that were flowing again.

  “Aw hell nah boo, ain’t no raising shit.” Rah said when I let her go and she wiped her tears away again. “I’m not having shit. I’m gonna handle this fucking situation then get my shit together and act like it never happened. I’m not fina be another fucking statistic Na. Some lost ass baby mama on public assistance looking for a nigga to come save me. Hell naw. We saw Tiff and Spicy on that shit all of our lives and I fucking refuse. Come Monday morning this shit will be gone and I’m back on my shit. That’s what you gotta do too sis. Erase all the bullshit and start to focus on you. We see now that we all we got out here, so we gotta start looking out for self.” Rah said and I knew what she was saying was true.

  I was tired of living for someone else and suffering for their sins just like she was. I was ready to just turn up and live life, and maybe just maybe find that fucking knight in shining armor I always dreamed about who would whisk me away from the bullshit. That’s what I thought. That’s what I hoped, but fate had something else planned and I could feel it as I pulled out of Rah’s apartments.

  I drove towards the Oak Court Mall, our office, with Dolph blasting through the speakers of the Chrysler 300 my uncle Tootie had bought me for my 18th birthday as Rah and I talked about our situations and offered each other solutions. During that time I tried my best to talk Rah out of an abortion because I just didn’t feel it was right, but no matter what I said she wasn’t having it.

  When we parked a block away from the mall and got out to dress for our mission, I knew that there was no talking Rah out of it so I let it go. Inside I cried though just thinking about the baby growing inside of her who deserved a chance to live, especially since he didn’t ask to be conceived.

  “Just look at us sis, look at your belly. You telling me you don’t want one?” I asked Rah as I pulled the big, blue flowered dress I was putting on down over the huge, fake pregnant belly I wore with the middle cut out to stash merchandise in.

  I ran my hands over the round, soft bump as I looked at Rah and thought about how great of a mother I would be and how much love a child could bring. Deep down I wanted a baby or just someone to love me unconditionally and offer that love I missed out on. Rah didn’t though and she made that shit clear as she punched herself in the fake stomach and rolled her eyes at me.

  “Hell nah bitch, I don’t want nan and neither do you. A baby is not in our fucking plans. Get over that shit Na Na and let’s go get this money so we can turn the fuck up and forget all this shit. AIN’T NO BABIES BIH!” Rah said as she laughed and punched her stomach again before we got into the car.

  I laughed my true feelings off as I drove us to the mall and we parked in front of the entrance. An abortion was the last thing I wanted Rah to do, but I couldn’t make the decision for her. Instead I respected her choice and dropped the subject, getting into super booster mode. As soon as we stepped in the mall I was focused and did what the fuck I had to do. Me and Rah hit up about 15 stores that day; BeBe, Pink, Urban Outfitters, and Micheal Kors just to name a few. By the time we wobbled our asses out of that mall we had over $10,000 worth of merchandise a piece and looked like we were about to have triplets.

  “Damn, we hit they ass up this time.” Rah said once we were safely back in the car and I had driven us back to the spot we got dressed in.

  Rah pulled out outfit after outfit from a slit in the side of her belly before we got out and walked around to the trunk to unload. We had a mountain of jewelry, clothes, purses, and underwear piled up in the trunk once we unloaded our bellies.

  “Hell yeah we tore they asses up. This should be enough to pay the bills next month and feed my hungry ass brothers. Not to mention turn the fuck up because I’m doing it all this weekend.” I said to Rah as we took our dresses and bellies off while she squealed like little ass girls.

  “Yasssss! That’s what I’m talking about. My bitch back on her shit. I was wondering how long you would act all goodie goodie like we ain’t cut from the same cloth. Bitch not only are you smoking and drinking tonight, but I’m getting you on them rolls too. You gonna have fun Na and forget all the bullshit. So AM I. It’s lit time babyyyy!” Rah said before she hugged me then we got into the car and pulled off.

  As soon as I had pulled off my phone rang and I told Rah to get it out of my purse to see who it was. When I heard her gasp, suck her teeth and then laugh, I knew who it was without her even saying it.

  “Girl this nigga has called your phone 15 times and sent about 10 texts.” Rah said as I shook my head and sucked my teeth, not trying to hear shit Jug had to say.

  “Girl he bipolar as fuck because he went from begging for forgiveness in the first few texts to fuck yo stanky ass bitch in the last few. I’m glad you done fucking with that nigga because he ignant as hell; ole community dick ass.” Rah said as we both laughed and I tried to hide the hurt inside.

  I turned to look straight ahead as I pushed back the tears threatening to break free and Rah continued to laugh at Jug.

  “Speaking of community dick, he calling again.” Rah said as my phone began to ring in her hand and I reached over to grab it.

  I had to pause for a second once I had my phone in my hand to suppress the rage I felt. I wanted to tell his pussy ass off and all but I didn’t want to be so heated that I said too much. That’s why I counted to three and woo sahed before I finally answered.

  “What the fuck is it that you want you nasty ass bitch?” I yelled into the phone after I answered it and all of the emotions I felt at first came rushing back.

  I felt like a scorned wife that had found out her husband was living a double life as I cursed and told Jug how I felt. That didn’t mean shit to his trifling ass though because he was still on that fuck boy shit, laughing and trying to minimize what had happened.

  “What the fuck? Maine Na Na you tripping big time. It ain’t even that fucking serious. Maine you know yo mama the biggest thot in the hood; everybody hit that shit but you mad at me. It ain’t like you my bitch or even giving me pussy on a consistent basis, so why you going so fucking hard?” Jug said and I had to look at the phone because I couldn’t believe he was saying that shit.

  I couldn’t understand what kind of fucked up perspective on life and loyalty he had where it was okay to fuck his girl’s mama. He had treated me like I wasn’t shit but had the audacity to be on the phone pleading his fucking case like he had grounds to stand on. That’s what made me madder than anything and I couldn’t hide that shit.

  “WHY I’M TRIPPING? WHY IM TRIPPING? NIGGA YOU FUCKED MY MAMA WHILE I WAS IN THE HOUSE AND YOU ASKING ME WHY IM TRIPPING. JUG FUCK YOU, OLE SOUR ASS BITCH. FUCK YOU AND YO OLD BALD HEADED AS MAMA AND YO CRIPPLE ASS DADDY. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I GIVE HIM SOME PUSSY YOU NASTY BITCH?!” I yelled into the phone as Jug laughed and I got angrier.

  I could feel steam coming from my ears as I drove like a maniac and Jug continued to laugh and talk shit.

  “Damn you big mad huh? Ain’t that some shit. Well, bitch you should be mad. Mad at yo fucking self because you did that. Recently you been acting like a new bitch, some bitch I just don’t know. All this you focused on school and shit, talking about you gonna be a writer. Hoe you ain’t gonna be shit but a hood booger just like me. You forgot all about a nigga these last few weeks boosting every damn day and going to school. Bitch, you didn’t give a fuck if I needed you or even care if you saw me, so don’t be mad cause I gave another hoe the D. YOU DID THIS NA NA! It’s just like yo mama said, you a stuck up lil bitch who think she better than everybody; but if I was you I would bring that shit down a peg or two. I know all about you hoe, more than you do ole bastard child bitch! Fuck you Na Na.” Jug said as he laughed and his words made me burn with rage.

  I had to pull over in a Wendy’s parking lot and get out to pace as I cursed his bitch ass out.

  “NO FUCK YOU, YO DONATION DICK BITCH! SORRY HIGHSCHOOL DROPOUT MUTHAFUCKA. I�
��M DONE FUCKING WITH YOU JUG AND I MEAN THAT. I JUST WANT MY SHIT. I’M COMING TO GET MY MUTHAFUCKING COMPUTER YOU BOGUS BITCH AND THEN YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN. I HATE YOU HOE!” I yelled as he continued to laugh and Rah got out to get me to calm down.

  “Come on Na, fuck that nigga. BUT YO BITCH ASS BETTER GIVE HER SHIT BACK OR ITS OVER.” Rah yelled before she snatched the phone out of my hand and hung up.

  I just stood there huffing and puffing as tears rang down my cheeks and I clenched my fists. I wanted to break his fucking face for blaming me for his cheating and break my mama’s neck for just being a hoe.

  “UGGGHHHHHH!” I yelled out in frustration as I punched the pole that I was standing next to.

  I couldn’t believe how fucked up shit was when I was trying hard to get myself together. My juvenile days were over and I wasn’t running the streets and fighting anymore. Boosting was the worst thing I played a part in and I had no choice but to do that or starve since I couldn’t find a job. It was like I couldn’t win for losing and that shit was eating me up inside.

  “What the fuck Rah, it just seems like when I try to do good bad shit happens. This nigga blaming me for his shit and talking about he knows more about me than I do. Spicy done told him some shit, I know it. He don’t even wanna give me my shit back, but he just don’t know KJ coming to take that. He scared of my brothers, which he should be but at the same time he a hood nigga too. I don’t want nothing to happen to one of my brothers because it will be no sleep in this city behind something like that. Uggghhh… This shit… maine sis I’m about to CRASH THE FUCK OUT!” I yelled feeling overwhelmed and ready to give up.

  Rah wouldn’t let me do it though as she wrapped me in her arms again and told me it would be aiight.

  “It’s ok Na Na, fuck Jug. You gonna get your computer and whatever else you got over there then he gonna get his issue. You know KJ nem got that handled. Spicy, now she a different situation. You gotta sit down and talk to her friend, because this shit can’t go like this. You gotta be willing to listen ‘cause you hard headed as fuck too. Right now though, I told you we forgetting about our problems. Sis, everything gonna be okay. Just watch.” Rah said as she led me around to the passenger side of my car and helped me inside.