Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist

by Niki Jilvontae

  I sat there and continued to cry and punch the dash as she got in the driver’s seat and we pulled off. The entire ride back to her house in The Crest, I fumed and thought about how my decisions had lead me to that point. I knew that Jug was right, it was my fault for trusting any fucking body with my heart. I decided right then I would change back into the old me and say fuck everybody else, except for my brothers.

  By the time we pulled into Rah’s parking lot my tears were gone and I was ready to release some of my stress.

  “You good now sis?” Rah asked me as she cut off the car then turned to look at me.

  I was sure it was apparent in my eyes that I was anything but okay, but I remained stoic and unfazed on the outside.

  “Yeah, I’m good; fuck that shit. It is what it is. Let’s get in here and figure out what we wearing tonight so we can turn the fuck up.” I said as I smiled through my pain and we got out of the car.

  After we got Rah’s shit out of my trunk and me four different dresses to try on, we went inside to find Tiff gone and Rah’s little brother Jeremy sitting in the middle of the floor naked eating dry cereal out of the box.

  “Jeremy, what the fuck you doing? Maine, where yo clothes and where mama?” Rah asked as she walked into the living room and dropped her clothes on the couch before she picked up her four-year-old brother.

  Jeremy was dirty like always with makeup and blood all over his arms and face. We could tell he had been there by himself for most of the day since the refrigerator was open and everything that was once inside of it was on the floor.

  “See Na, yo shit ain’t so bad. At least you know you’re not alone. I been holding it down for Tiff ass too. Hell, Jeremy might as well be my son because she damn sure don’t do shit. The bitch left him just to go get her hair and nails done. Both of us got some nothing ass mammies, so I be damn if I become one. Hell no. Gone get comfortable girl while I clean him up.” Rah said as she shook her head in disgust and Jeremy wrapped his arms around her neck then kissed her.

  Rah loved her brother just as much as I loved mine and no matter how hard she was out in the streets, she was soft as fuck when it came to Jeremy. She loved him like he was her own and that was apparent from the way she cradled him in her arms and kissed him all the way to the bathroom.

  “Yeah you right Rah, we both got some fucked up lives.” I yelled to her as I shook my head and giggled through my tears.

  I thought about how me and Rah’s lives could turn out as I sat my clothes down and began to clean up all of the food Jeremy had in the floor. I hoped that one day shit would change and we wouldn’t have to take on so much, but I doubted that would ever happen though as I remembered how both of our lives just continued to get worse with each passing year. I wouldn’t let those thoughts put me back in a fucked up frame of mind though, so after I finished picking up the food and vacuuming the floor I turned on the stereo and danced around the living room as I tried on the dresses I had brought in.

  I tried on two long skin tight dresses that I didn’t like before I settled on this black, cut low in the front and back Vera Wang dress I had stolen out of Macy’s. The expensive fabric felt so good on my skin and the skin tight in the right places fit had me feeling myself as I stood in front of the mirror and for the first time saw myself as something other than the ugly, black big head bitch Spicy had always told me I was.

  I stood there looking at myself in that full-length mirror next to Rah’s TV and I saw a beautiful strong girl who had taken on so much and still wouldn’t give up. I saw myself in a way I never had before and I knew right then that it was envy flickering in Spicy’s eyes every time she looked at me. I knew that she put me down and wanted me to feel bad about myself because she was jealous, and that’s how she felt when she looked in the mirror. That didn’t make it right though and it didn’t make it any easier for me to accept but I did understand.

  “Yeah, I would probably hate me too.” I said to myself as I ran my hands down my curves then turned to see that my 40-inch ass looked fabulous in the dress.

  “Yeah bitch you banging as fuck, but get a load of me.” Rah suddenly said from behind me as she walked in with the blue Anne Sue dress she had stolen on.

  She was right, she looked bad as fuck too; all snatched and shining like a diamond. I told my friend how fierce she was as she walked over and handed me the blunt she was smoking before she stared in the mirror.

  “We fine as fuck best friend. We taking some niggas tonight. YOU READY BITCH? ‘CAUSE THE TURN UP ABOUT TO BE REAL!” Rah yelled as I handed the blunt back and we turned up to the Dolph song that was playing.

  Rah and I smoked and chilled for hours as we modeled our dresses then snapped pics for Instagram. After a while I forgot all about my troubles like Rah had said I would, and anything else for that matter. I was so high and carefree that I almost forgot I had promised to pick up my brothers until I looked at the clock and saw what time it was.

  “Damn bitch, I gotta go get the Three Musketeers. Our high asses just in here grooving and shit. I gotta go right fucking now, but I will see you later though bitch. I’m gonna be back around nine and yo stanky ass better be ready.” I said to Rah as I quickly dressed, grabbed my shit and ran out the door.

  When I got in the car I pulled my phone out of my purse and noticed Rah had turned it off. After I turned my phone back on a dozen texts and voicemails came through and I looked to see it was Jug. He had sent me more angry texts and pictures of him holding a super-sized slush over my computer threatening to destroy it and all of my work inside. I cried out again in frustration before I threw my phone into the passenger seat and pulled into my brothers’ school parking lot. I tried to clear my mind of the bullshit as my anger made its way back to the surface, but I was too consumed by my thoughts to focus on anything else. So much so I didn’t even see my brothers until they were already in the car.

  “Damn Na Na, what’s wrong? You sitting here looking like you saw a ghost.” K.J. said as he got in the passenger seat laughing while Ky and Kam got into the back.

  I turned to look at my brother as a single tear fell from my eye and he knew exactly what it was without me saying a word.

  “Nothing K.J. just tired, but now we gotta get these clothes off. One of y’all make a post on The Book and tell everybody we got Pink, BeBe, Polo, True Religion, and some more. We need to sell all this shit today because I’m out all weekend.” I said as Ky and Kam said they were on it and K.J. continued to look at me.

  “Hell, I need a break before I crash out.” I whispered after that but K.J. heard me.

  I tried to look away so he couldn’t see the pain in my eyes but before I could he had grabbed my chin and turned my head towards him.

  “You do need a break big sis, so I hope you do take this weekend just for you.” He said as I nodded my head and tried to give him a fake smile.

  My brother shook his head no as he held my chin then leaned over to whisper.

  “You know that you can’t fool me big sis, I know shit went down so you may as well get ready to tell me. And let me help. At this point you ain’t got no choice Na Na. I GOT YOU!” K.J. said as he wiped away the tears that had fallen from my eyes then nodded and smiled at me.

  I sucked up my breath along with my tears as I nodded my head saying that I would tell him before I pulled out of the lot. I remained trapped in my own mind wondering what would happen next as my brothers argued and laughed all around me. By the time we made it to the hood Ky and Kam had sales for almost all of the items we had, so I got out to fill up the bags I had in the trunk with the stuff as I gave them directions.

  “Okay you two lil fools, make sure you get the money before you hand a motherfucka anything. All Pink and Bebe $60 a set and all the nigga clothes $100. Don’t take shit less than $40 for the jewelry and perfume, and at least $150 per purse. No bargaining with these broke bitches, we aint the damn flea market. Now go get them coins and hurry back.” I told my brothers as I watched them put the info into th
eir phones before I gave them the bags.

  I kept my eyes on them until they disappeared into the Overlook Apartments with bags in hand then I got back into the car with K.J. When I got in he had just finished lighting a blunt and handed it straight to me.

  “Here big sis, something to calm yo nerves as you tell me what the fuck went down. Don’t lie to me either Na Na, I’m a muthafucking man and I deserve the truth. Wasup Na Na?” K.J. asked me as he pleaded with his eyes for me to not leave him in the dark.

  I knew how much he hated it when I kept shit secret and dealt with it on my own. I knew I was wrong for doing that too because everyone needed someone to lean on, I just didn’t know how to lean on someone else. No one had ever been there for me so it was hard for me to open up to anybody, sometimes even my brothers. I usually couldn’t do that with K.J. though. Once I looked into his eyes everything just came pouring out like word vomit.

  I sat there and smoked and cried as I told him about Spicy and Jug; how Spicy and I had fought, and all the low-down shit Jug was doing. My brother sat there quietly and texted on his phone as I talked and the veins popped out of his neck while he clenched his teeth. I could see the malice building up in my brother’s body as his shoulders rose and fell with each deep breath he took. When I finished talking he continued to sit there silently for a second as he typed angrily into his phone. As soon as he sent the text he looked at me and I knew Jug’s fate had already been sealed.

  “Maine big sis, what the fuck? Spicy did that? What the fuck? Maine, we gotta sit down and have a serious conversation with her, a conversation we should have had a long fucking time ago. This shit is crazy how she treat you and its gonna stop or we ain’t waiting to leave this bitch. Now that Jug nigga, that’s something else. Let me handle it. I don’t want you to respond to his texts or calls no more. Just know that by tonight I’ll have yo shit; and I can guarantee you that after that you won’t see his bitch ass no more. That’s my word big sis. Maine! Maine big sis, I love you. It’s gonna be aiight. I got you.” K.J. said as he leaned over and hugged me before he wiped away my tears.

  My brother sat there and held me in his arms like I was the little sister as he told me how awesome I was and how shit would get better. I don’t know why, but hearing him say that and feeling his love all around me did make me feel a lot better; so by the time Ky and Kam came back I was back to my happy, silly self.

  “Okay Ren and Stimpy, how much shit did y’all get off?” I asked my brothers as they jumped in the back seat with empty bags and huge smiles on their faces.

  Kam handed me over $1300 and Ky $1500 as I stared at them in disbelief.

  “Damn y’all got off everything and charged them hoes the strength. That’s what I’m talking about little brothers. We straight for two months now.” I said as I began to divide the money and handed my brothers $200 apiece.

  Once we had everything divided up, my brothers and I went to the grocery store on the way home and loaded up on enough food to last them the entire weekend. It felt good going into the store with enough money to buy everything that they wanted, instead of having to steal it. They left out that bitch with bags of hot pockets, pizza rolls, burritos, chips and some more shit. We all laughed and joked all the way to the house and our light mood continued until we got inside and started to put everything up. It was like as soon as we all stepped in and had sat the bags down we could feel this eerie aurora in the air.

  Something told me shit wasn’t right, so I quickly dashed down the hall towards my room. I didn’t even make it through my bedroom door before I saw what the fuck was wrong. Everything in my room was destroyed from the missing blades on the ceiling fan to the huge cuts and rips in the carpet. Spicy or Jug, possibly both of them, had sliced up all my clothes, ripped up my pictures that were on the wall, and tore my dozens of notebooks filled with stories in them to sheds.

  I fell to my knees at the door and cried as I picked up the first story I had written in a My Little Pony notebook back when I was 10. It was the story of the evil witch and the beautiful girl, a story I wrote about me and my mama. I guess she knew it too because she had written, Bitch you the witch, all over the cover of the notebook.

  “MAINE, WHAT THE FUCKKKK!” I yelled out in misery as I picked up all of the little shredded pieces of the notebook and sat them on the dresser.

  In seconds K.J., Kam, and Ky were at my side as they stared at the destruction in disbelief.

  “What happened in here?” Ky said as he looked at me and then my brothers and K.J. told him and Kam to leave.

  “Let me talk to Na Na alone right now y’all. This shit serious.” K.J. said as he stared at something behind me and his eyes got big as fuck.

  At that moment I remembered my stash in my closet and ran over to check if it was still there. Just like I thought it was gone along with the tampon box it was in.

  “Hell naw G, she stole my money too. That low-down bitch.” I said as I walked back out of the closet and saw K.J. standing in front of the mirror on my dresser.

  His shoulders rose and fell and his body shook like he was crying as he stood there with his back towards me. I wondered what he was looking at that had him so upset as I made my way over there. When I got there and saw the writing on my mirror in red lipstick I wish I had never walked over. Spicy had left me a message, one that I would never forget.

  You little, soft ass weak bitch, you were the worst mistake of my life. I wish I would have listened to everybody and aborted your ass or closed my legs when you were coming out and broke your fucking neck. Nothing born of hate and the deception you were conceived in could ever be good and for that reason. Yes bitch, I think I HATE YOU!

  I stood there with tears rolling down my face and my body shivering as I read that shit about five times before the sorrow inside of me turned to anger and I clicked out. K.J. hugged me before I reached down to grab my scarf off the floor and wrapped it around my right fist. Once it was on I punched the mirror with all of my might and shattered the tainted glass just like my heart. I think at that moment I lost all love for my mama and found a wild, destructive, mischievous part of myself.

  “Sis, you okay? Sis.” K.J. asked me after I bust the mirror then began to quickly grab up my clothes.

  I told him that I was and seeing that message from Spicy was nothing I didn’t already know before I ran to the bathroom to shower. Once inside the shower I cried my heart out and then let the water wash the rest of my feelings away. By the time, I stepped out, got dressed, did my makeup, and looked in the mirror I felt like someone else.

  “Time to live for you Na Na. Time to look out for self. No one will ever love you if your mother can’t so fuck love…just have fun and get money.” I said to myself before I walked out of the bathroom, got my purse, and called Rah to tell her I was on my way.

  I walked out the house that night at 8:15 fine as fuck with a heart full of hurt and wondered right into the seemingly loving arms of the worst nightmare I would ever meet.

  Chapter 3

  ‘If he a dog, ima dog too. If he a dog, ima dog too. If he a dog, ima dog too. You tried to play me but the joke’s on you.’ blasted through the speakers of my Chrysler 300 as I bumped Toni Romiti all the way to Rah’s house and my mind wondered.

  I tried not to think about all the horrible things I was going through as I drove and sung the words along with Toni but that shit loomed over me like a storm cloud. I couldn’t help but to see those awful words my mother had written in red on my mirror as tears rolled down my cheeks and I quickly wiped them away. I didn’t want to be hurt or feel sorrow anymore, all I wanted was for those who hurt me to feel the same pain. I wanted my mama to see me as her child and feel compassion for the pain she caused. I wanted Jug’s bitch ass to feel a pain way worse than anything I had lived through, which is why my sorrow quickly changed to malice as I continued to sing.

  “IF THIS IS LOVE THEN THIS AINT WHAT I WANT!” I yelled out as I song the words and felt that shit in my soul.


  I didn’t want that conditional, fake ass love anymore. That was the type of love I had all of my life, the kind of love that hurt more than it healed. No, I felt like I deserved better than that. I wanted something real. Something enduring and I truly felt I would never get it, so by the time I pulled up at Rah’s house love was nowhere in my mind just turning up and having a good time.

  “Wasssuup BIIITTTCH. You ready?” I asked Rah with a huge smile on my face as she got into the car confused as hell and handed me a blunt.

  I laughed and lit the blunt as Rah got situated in her seat then turned to look at me with a dumbfounded expression.

  “Okay bitch, I know I ain’t crazy and I know this ain’t no muthafucking Twilight Zone, so what happened since the last time I talked to you? Last I checked shit was fucked up. What changed?” Rah asked as I hit the blunt and told her everything she had missed.

  When I finished telling her how my mama had torn up the house, stolen my money and left me that fucked up ass note, Rah sat back in her chair and sighed with the same confused expression before she looked back at me.

  “So, I’m saying though. After telling me all of that fucked up shit that has happened, How THE FUCK YOU SITTING UP HERE WITH THIS KOOL-AID ASS SMILE ON YO FACE?” Rah asked as I continued to laugh and then handed the blunt back to her.

  I laughed so much I began to cry and soon my hysterical, amused tears became tears of sorrow. Soon I was feeling that pain I had buried as I told my best friend the truth.

  “I’m smiling to keep from crying Rah. What else is there for me to do? Everything’s fucked up. Maine, it feels like all the odds are stacked against me, so you tell me, should I cry and fold?” I asked her as she shook her head no and I wiped away my tears.