Crossing the Touchline

by Jay Hogan

  Reuben played well, really well. We all shouted ourselves hoarse, and when the game was finished and Reuben had landed a try, made an awesome assist, and displayed some drop-dead mad passing skills, the disappointment of the tied game was quickly forgotten. The rest of the ABs were quick with congratulatory backslaps and handshakes for a job well done. Even from halfway up the stands, I could see the huge grin on Reuben’s face.

  I wanted nothing more than to run to where the other significant others waited for their men, so I could wrap my legs around Reuben and smother him with kisses. Okay, maybe not quite that, but I at least wanted to claim him as mine, and show my pride for him publicly. Yeah, about that. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Still, I’d known what I was getting into, and this was part of it, right?

  We did, however, wait as a motley fan group to catch Reuben for a few seconds before he got onto the bus to head for the postmatch dinner the ABs were hosting. A quick in-person lame congratulations was gonna be the best I could offer my boyfriend until the next day, when I saw him in private. Then I’d make sure to show him my fullest appreciation in true fanboy boyfriend fashion. If he was lucky, his arse just might survive the attention.

  I sent him a couple of texts promising as much and could almost see the blush in his replies. He was cute as fuck about that sort of thing. It was then I noted a couple of missed calls from him earlier on before the game started. Huh. Must have lost them in the noise of the crowd. His spelling was unusually atrocious in his replies, which only underscored just how damn excited he was. I said we’d be waiting out back, and how keen the boys were to get a handshake from an AB.

  Waiting on a reply to that final text, I could almost feel his hesitation and wondered what that was all about. If he didn’t want the kids fawning over him, I could keep them aside, but it wasn’t like Reuben. However, when his reply finally did come through, it had me instantly on alert.

  Okay but I can’t stay long… and I need to ask you something…

  My phone buzzed with a call. Reuben.

  “Cam, I’m really sorry,” he said straight off, sounding hugely upset. “You remember I’m supposed to take someone to this bloody dinner….”

  Fuck. What now? “I thought your father was going.”

  A beat. “He was. But just before the game he texted he had something else on after the game and pulled out….”

  Another beat. “And Georgie’s away. I tried to call you but you didn’t answer. I have to give them an answer, now. It would be a… bad look… to go alone. I swear. Cam, I’m so sorry.”

  Goddammit. “So, what are you asking?” And then it hit me. Son of a bitch. “You called Sonja, didn’t you?” Silence. “Reuben…?”

  “Yes.” He sighed. “I know, I know. But I only put her on standby. I didn’t want to fuck up with you again, so I warned her that I hadn’t talked to you yet. We agreed to decide this shit together, so I’m asking you now, what do you want me to do?”

  “What do I want? What do you want, Reuben?”

  “Cam, my head’s a mess. The game, the dinner, the whole fucking thing. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll do whatever you say. I’m so sorry. I know it’s an arsehole thing to do to you at the last minute. Fuck. How much trouble am I in? Ugh. I’ll just tell her it’s a no-go.”

  Yes, that’s exactly what I wanted, but Reuben was right, dammit. It wouldn’t look good for him to go alone, especially as a newbie. Management were big on seeing support in action. But fuck, it still hurt. I steeled myself. This was Reuben’s day and I’d do my best to not throw shade his way, not right now. We’d deal with it later.

  I gritted my teeth. “It’s… fine. Take her. You need to make a good impression.”

  “No,” he said softly. “What I need is you. I’ll tell her no. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  Jesus, the man slayed me sometimes. “Reuben don’t. Just go. I’ll… deal. It’s just….”

  I heard his soft groan through the phone. “Yeah. I know. It sucks.”

  “Long as you know.”

  I ended the call in time to catch sight of Reuben’s dipshit father strolling over with… goddammit—Sonja, looking gorgeous in a cherry-red dinner dress and long black jacket. She sent an apologetic half smile. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her—she knew the score—but it still rankled, and I couldn’t stop the scowl forming on my brow. Reuben’s dad saw and smirked. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’d backed out on purpose. Bastard.

  The ABs started filing out from the team rooms under the stadium, and Reuben peeled off to head our way. Well, not my way. His dad and Sonja’s way, to be more accurate. I watched him shake hands with Taylor senior, formal and awkward, and then give Sonja a brief hug, at which point my blood fucking boiled. Third in line didn’t sit well with me… not today, not after what was about to happen. It might be a little unfair but… whatever. I’d earned the right to sulk.

  If I’d been on my own, I would have turned heel and left. I might have agreed to the idea but I didn’t need to see it in action. Unfortunately, that would take some explaining to Mathew and the boys. As it was, Mathew was giving me the side-eye. Shocker. I was surprised half the stadium hadn’t gone up in flames with the pissed-off attitude I was spewing all over the place.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  No. “Fine,” I spat.

  His brows hit his hairline. “Okaaay, then.”

  I swallowed hard and gave him my best leave-it-alone glare. “Seriously, I’m fine. Just a little over the crowds.” He held my gaze, not buying a single word.

  The AB manager pointed Sonja to a second bus on the far side of the car park and she hurried over to join the rest of the significant others being transported to the dinner. Significant other, two words that had never sounded so depressing. Reuben’s dad slapped his son on the back and walked away. That left Reuben alone to approach us, looking more than a little nervous.

  Yeah, you better take a big breath.

  Mathew grabbed him in a backslapping man-hug, full of congratulations, and the two boys shot out their hands, equally enamoured. As for me, I could barely look at the man, preferring to focus on the adulation in Linc’s expression. The boy might be no rugby fan, but he knew a good-looking man when he saw one, and Reuben filled your eyes like no other. Something I’d appreciate more if it weren’t for the bottomless pit of homicidal rage currently bubbling away in my gut. I needed to rein that shit in. Reuben’s expression said it all. Shame, apology, and regret pretty much covered it. I calmed… a little.

  Mathew’s questioning frown landed on me again and I realised I hadn’t even congratulated Reuben.

  “Hey.” I threw out my hand. “Good game.” Even to my ears I sounded pouty and pissed off. Great.

  “Thanks,” he answered softly, wrapping his big paw around mine and holding on a little longer than necessary, his index finger grazing the inside of my wrist. I knew he wanted me to look at him, but I just couldn’t. Juvenile? Yep, all of that, and I couldn’t give a single fuck.

  I pulled my hand away and stepped aside while Terry took the opportunity to pin him with a couple of questions. While Reuben was busy answering, I studied the man I was falling in love with. Yeah, I’d given up pretending. Tension bunched his shoulders and his smile missed his eyes by a country fucking mile. Okay, so maybe he was feeling more than a little guilty and upset.

  He stepped back from the barrage of teenage questions and his gaze slid to mine. I let it settle there, putting every ounce of disappointment and hurt into mine that I could muster. Take that to your damn dinner and choke on it. Childish? Pretty much.

  Mathew cleared his throat alongside me. Shit. Could I be more obvious?

  Reuben glanced across at the team bus idling quietly by the gate. “I better get going,” he said. “But um… Cam, could I speak with you a minute?”

  It was all I could do not to fire back a snarky “no” and simply leave, but I didn’t. Mathew sent me yet another raised brow, but I ignored him and followed Rueben a little way to get
some privacy.

  His hands bunched at his side and I knew he wanted to grab me. I knew that because I wanted exactly the same thing. It was like living in a two-dimensional world where in public you had to communicate with ambiguous gestures and quick glances. You couldn’t say what you wanted, touch when you wanted. It was a fucking twilight zone riddled with inadequacy and frustration, and prone to misinterpretation.

  “I’m sorry, Cam,” he said. “I should’ve just told the manager at the start that I was coming alone, but I was caught out. I just… panicked.”

  “Your fucking father did this deliberately.”

  Reuben glanced his father’s way. The man stood watching us, a livid expression plastered across his face. “Probably. Doesn’t change anything, though. I know it hurts. I fucking hate that I’ve done this to you again. We can’t seem to catch a fucking break.”

  I sighed. “Me too. But I get it. I knew shit like this was bound to happen, I’ve been there before, remember?”

  If I’d slapped him I wouldn’t have got a better response, his body almost caving in on itself in shameful understanding.

  “God, I’m so sorry.”

  Ugh. Enough. “Stop saying that. It is what it is and you did ask, after all, but it doesn’t make me any less pissed off and you’re just gonna have to live with that for a while.”

  He nodded. “How about meeting us at the bar after the dinner? We could maybe go home together?”

  Like hell. “No. I don’t want second best. I don’t want to pretend in public, not tonight. And I don’t want to soothe everything with sex, thanks very much.”

  He blew out a sigh. “I understand.”

  No, he really fucking didn’t. And I suddenly needed him to, more than anything.

  “So,” I began. “This probably isn’t the best time… and it’s gonna seem like payback, and maybe it is, but I’m going out tonight. I’m gonna accept one of those invitations I keep turning down and go clubbing with some friends.”

  Juvenile? Maybe. But it felt damn good to see the shock register on Reuben’s face. He physically winced. Yeah, now you understand.

  “Thought you were heading home?” Mathew’s voice came from behind. Shit.

  I turned and pinned my brother with a glare. “Changed my mind. Were you eavesdropping?”

  “No.” His gaze narrowed. “I just caught the last bit.”

  And then I saw the moment things clicked in that ample brain of his.

  He tapped the two boys on the shoulder, nudging them towards the car park. “See you in the car,” he snapped over his shoulder.

  Fuck. All I needed. A pissed-off brother to add to the mix. “Looking forward to it,” I replied with equal sarcasm.

  “Cam….” Reuben took a step forward.

  “Don’t,” I barked. “Just… don’t.” A strange exhaustion crept under my skin, and the epic sigh that escaped my lips had resignation written all over it. “We’ll talk tomorrow, Reuben. It was a good game. You played really well.”

  I spun to leave, but he put a hand on my arm and I didn’t fight it. We were so close to the bus the gesture couldn’t have gone unnoticed if anyone was watching, but he left it there and my heart stuttered in my chest.

  “Are you really going out?” His gaze pinned me in place.

  I desperately wanted to reassure him, but I was still so angry. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, “I have a pretend life to keep up, just like you, Reuben. I can’t give up my friends and single mingling and expect no questions. You of all people should understand that.”

  The barb hit home, and the hurt in his eyes almost had me copping to the half lie. I had no intention of doing more than show my face at the club for one drink, but he wasn’t about to hear that from me, not tonight.

  I slipped my arm from his hand and it suddenly hit me like a punch to the gut. We were already starting to unravel each other. That’s what being in the closest did to you, to any relationship you tried to have. It sucked all the good feelings away and ripped them to shreds, leaving only lies and pretence in the forefront. The half-life of Reuben’s and my secret relationship had just got shorter. If something didn’t happen soon, we were doomed.

  “Have a great evening, Rube,” I said, and I left.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Reuben

  I WAS damn lucky Cam only ghosted me for two days after my cock-up, not that there had been an easy solution—at least he saw that—but I should have manned up and just not taken anyone to the dinner. I had no one to blame but my idiot self for his frosty attitude, so I didn’t complain.

  Today was my first time seeing him since that night. It had been his text this morning initiating it, his call how it would go. He wasn’t prepared to meet at his place which concerned me, instead suggesting on a coffee house over the bridge. I felt the sting of the carefully crafted distance exactly as I was meant to. Cam still wasn’t happy and he was letting me know it in no uncertain terms. I didn’t blame him one bit.

  That displeasure and distance was further emphasised by the table he’d snagged outside. It was in full view of the street and close to other people, even though there were plenty of tables free. That meant no hiding us being together, always risky for me, of course. It was a test, I wasn’t stupid. And I also wasn’t gonna fail it. Without a second thought I approached and he waved me to the only other seat, directly opposite. He couldn’t have got farther away if he tried, and it also ensured no cosy makeup conversation or privacy. Oh boy. I steeled myself.

  So yeah. I got his not so subtle point. He was reminding me that he was hiding us for me, because he cared, because he hoped for more, because I was too chickenshit to be out. It was a huge goddamm favour and I needed to be cognisant of that and quit fucking him around or he’d walk and we’d be back to this—me at a distance, no touching, no talking. He could pull the plug and that would be that. I barely felt like I’d had a taste of him. I wasn’t anywhere close to being able to let him go.

  “Sit,” he said.

  I sat, trying not to look concerned about the family of four sitting almost on top of my left elbow. Silence fell between us as Cam studied me from behind his sunglasses, clearly taking stock of my reaction to the whole setup. I removed my own glasses and simply let him. I’d screwed up. He deserved to mess with my head.

  In the end he must have felt sorry for me because after a moment or two he stood and took a table farther away from the other customers, though still outside. I followed, this time grabbing a chair alongside.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, again. “I have no excuse. I took the easy way out and I put you in an impossible position. It was an arsehole thing to do.”

  Cam closed his eyes and took a deep breath, clearly gathering himself to reply. I waited and finally his eyes opened. His gaze was fierce, sad, disappointed and…well, fierce.

  “It was,” he said almost too carefully, clearly in danger of lashing out. “You hurt me, Reuben. I didn’t agree to this secrecy just to have it thrown publicly in my face. Yes, I agreed to you taking her, but I really didn’t have much of a choice, did I? And right now I’m not sure what you feel for me, because it’s pretty hard to understand how you can care as you say you do, and then go and do that kind of shit.”

  “I know. I was caught out… I was an idiot….”

  He held up a hand. “Stop. Just stop.”

  I swallowed hard.

  He took another deep breath and blew it out slowly, removing his sunglasses and placing them carefully on the table. God, how I’d missed those eyes. But what I saw now made me want to hide in shame. They were glassy and hurt, and I’d done that. I couldn’t stop myself reaching over to rest my hand over his. I didn’t give a fuck who saw. His gaze flicked nervously over the other tables before he pulled his hand away and placed both in his lap.

  “Jesus, Cam. I wish I could take it all back and just do what I should’ve done the first time. I got scared and I stupidly defaulted into just going with the flow, telling them what t
hey wanted to hear. It was like I was back in that car park two years ago when I pushed you away and I know it must have felt like that.”

  He nodded but said nothing.

  “But please believe, that’s not who I want to be anymore. I want to be different, I want this, I want us. It won’t happen again.”

  “You said that once before.” He chewed on his bottom lip and studied me for a minute. “I agreed to this whole secrecy thing with conditions and maybe I need to be clearer about those. What you did was protect you and throw my feelings aside. That was your first instinct and that’s what fucking hurts. If what we have is going anywhere, if there’s to be an ‘out’ us down the track, then that has to change. Your first instinct needs to become protecting ‘us,’ protecting me. And I don’t mean from being found out. I mean protecting what we’re growing here to ensure there will be something to come out about.” He drilled me with a glare.

  Then he added, “I will do my best to play my part and not out you, or us, if I can possibly avoid it, because you need it to be that way for a while. But doing that is already hurting me in ways you are clearly not appreciating, and I’m not prepared to carry on doing that if you aren’t equally invested in what I need. This is not all about you, Reuben. And that might mean you’re gonna have to take a few solid dings in that closet door of yours, even a good crack or two, but you are not ever to protect that above my feelings again or we’re done, understand?”

  “Done.” I didn’t even have to think. “And you’re right. I’ve been only looking at this from what I selfishly need to happen. But I do care, Cam, so fucking much. I just need to get my dammed head out of my arse and start showing it, and stop thinking I can just carry on the same as I’ve always done. So, that changes now. And feel free to whip my butt if I even look like making the same mistake again.”

  Cam snorted. “Be careful what you wish for.”

  I eyeballed him. “I always am.”

  He studied me for a long second. “Okay then. We’re clear.”