Love Me ~ Without Regret

by Renee Kennedy

  I stand up, putting my purse over my head so it lays across my shoulder to hang on the opposite hip. “Is Ryder on his way down?” I pick up my soda.

  “He’s waiting upstairs. If you want to get what you need out of the gift shop, I’ll go and get your bags.”

  I’m glad to have a moment alone, I appreciate their concern, but I need time to process my feelings. I buy the necessary pain reliever and find a seat in the lobby. I feel my phone vibrate in my purse now that I’m sitting still. I rummage around until I find it. You would think I’d be organized with my busy schedule. Maybe I should take a lesson from Kane.

  I scroll through my missed messages. Bailey has left a million on how she is going to kick my ass if I don’t call her back. Denise sent me a text asking if I was okay. Oakley sent one, telling me to listen to Clay, and Aubs wants to know if Ryder is hooking up with anyone while he is here. Then I come to Clay’s. I pause, looking away. I’m not sure if I can read this right now or if I need to wait until I’m alone. I don’t want to breakdown here.

  I send Bailey a quick message letting her know I’m fine, and I’m riding home with Ryder this morning. I know this won’t appease her and I’m sure she will be calling me soon. I wish they would grant me some privacy to deal with this, alone. I want the luxury of completely shutting down. I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I crave the point where I’m blank and no longer exist.

  My phone jars me out of my thoughts, “Bay, I can’t talk about it all right now. Okay? Please give me one day, that’s all I’m asking for is one day.” I feel my breath shortening again. The pit of my stomach is coming back up in my throat. All of the emotions that I thought I had tapped down come flooding back to the surface. Tears start to sting my eyes again.

  “Lizzie, I’m so sorry. I want you to know that I love you. We will come home today too just in case you need me. I want to be there.” Bailey knows exactly what I need to hear. She doesn’t want to hash out the dirty details and bash Clay. She merely wants to be here when I’m ready.

  “Okay,” I say, barely above a whisper. “Thanks, Bay, love you, too.” I hang up. Noticing that the guys are getting off the elevator, I put my phone away. I reach up to push my hair out of my face and feel tears running down my face. I didn’t realize I was crying again. It’s those silent tears that sneak up on you that could be fatal. I quickly wipe my eyes and force a smile as I get up to meet the guys.

  Clay

  I pace the floor of Cash and Bailey’s room, waiting for Lizzie to contact Bailey. I have to know she is okay. I spent the better part of an hour explaining everything that happened almost nine months ago before Bailey would even consider talking to me about Lizzie. Even after swearing on my life that I wasn’t going to hurt, Lizzie and that I loved her, Bailey still had second thoughts about sharing any information with me.

  Cash eventually stepped in on my behalf and got her to listen to reason. Cash has joked around about how stubborn and hardheaded Bailey is once she has her mind made up. I didn’t realize that it was actually true. Those two girls have a bond like no other I have ever seen. I admire that kind of relationship. I wish I had someone like that in my life.

  When Lizzie finally texted back that she was fine and Ryder was taking her home, I said a silent thank you to God that it wasn’t Kane. Everyone thinks I’m over reacting about his attraction to Lizzie, but I see the way he looks at her. When he thinks no one is paying attention, I see the desire for her in his eyes.

  “Clay, the only reason I’m doing this is because I believe you, and I think you’re good for Lizzie. Don’t prove me wrong here. Don’t make me regret my decision to trust you, you’re only getting this one chance.” Bailey says as she dials Lizzie’s number.

  Bailey’s agreed to call Lizzie back on speakerphone so I can hear her voice. I want to know for myself she is okay. I’ve never been as anxious as I am right now.

  After a couple of rings, Lizzie picks up.

  “Bay, I can’t talk about it all right now. Okay? Please give me one day. That’s all I’m asking for is one day,” Lizzie says all in one breath.

  All I hear is the hurt and pain I’ve caused her, how I’ve let her down.

  Bailey tells her that she loves her and she’ll be home soon if she needs her.

  Then I hear my woman breakdown, and all she can do is whisper. I don’t even know if you can call that a whisper, more like a plea for help. I wish now that I had taken the time the other night to explain about Megan when Lizzie found that stupid engagement ring. If I had only told her everything right then, all of this could have been avoided.

  Bailey hangs up and looks over to me, “Are you okay, Clay?” She walks over, stroking my arm. “What can we do to help?”

  I’m shocked by her offer. I didn’t think she would want to do anything to aid me. I consider her offer and come up with an idea she can help me out with—if she’s willing.

  Convincing Bailey of my plan is easier than I think, but talking Cash into this strategy is something entirely different. He doesn’t like the idea whatsoever, and flat out refuses to participate.

  “Clay, what time do you need to be at the attorney’s office?” Bailey questions me while keeping constant eye contact with Cash.

  Looking at my watch, I say, “I have an hour and a half.”

  “Can you give us a little time alone? We’ll call you within thirty…”

  Cash is shaking his head no.

  “Give us forty-five minutes to discuss this and one of us will call you.” Bailey walks over and puts her hands on her hips, looking up at Cash.

  “Yes, I’m going to talk to Kane anyway. He was with Lizzie all night so maybe he can give me a clue to what she’s thinking. Thanks, Bailey. Cash, think about this please. I need a hand with this.”

  Back in my room, I call Kane. I know this is going to be a hard conversation. I’m trying to decide which way to handle things with him, beat the shit out of him or follow the old rule of keeping your enemies closer than friends. I think I’ll get further with him if I play it cool. His phone goes to voicemail, again.

  “Hey, Kane, I just wanted to apologize for how I was earlier, man. I love Lizzie and I don’t want to lose her. Please call me back so we can talk.” I hope my message will smooth things over between us enough that he will call me back and let me know what’s going on in Lizzie’s head.

  I’ve checked my old hand-me-down watch that was my dad’s for what seems like the one-hundredth time since I got back to the room. I’ve taken a shower, had a bag of chips for lunch, and worn a hole in the carpet. I can’t just sit here and wait for Bailey to call me while I’m waiting for my appointment with the attorney. I should be doing something besides waiting, but for the life of me, I don’t know what.

  I need to burn some of this energy, but the path I’ve been making from the window to the hotel door isn’t getting the job done. I grab my leather bound notebook that I use for writing my music and head downstairs. Maybe putting my feelings down on paper will help. Lizzie may not listen to me right now, but one day I will have my chance.

  Dad always told me to keep a notebook with me, that I would never know when inspiration for a song would hit. He said write happy stuff, but most of all write the stuff that affects you deep down in your guts. I can hear his voice in my head, “Clay, when you feel broken, like you can’t go on, that’s when you need to write. Dig deep, son. Rip out your heart and let them all see it. That’s where truly great songwriting comes from.”

  Outside, the early spring air is still chilly. It’s one of those days where the sun is shining bright and warms your skin for a moment. Then the frigid wind comes along and bites you through your clothing.

  Sitting out here, I can’t get my mind off what I’ve done to Lizzie. I’ve hurt her. I’ve let her down. I tap the pencil on the notebook, thinking about her and what I would want to say if she would hear me out. I’m an asshole. Way to be poetic, Clay. Maybe sometimes the point isn’t to be poetic, but about saying the
right words at the right time. She’s my everything, my whole world. I’ll be in Hell without her. She is my happy. Shit, I even took away her smile. How do you get over taking away your woman’s smile? I know some of the things I want to say. I open the notebook to a clean page and scribble what I’m sorry for and how I feel about it.

  I’m dying inside

  I’ve let you down

  Losing you would be hell

  I’m sorry I hurt you

  I’m not perfect

  I’m sorry I made your smile fade

  I’m stupid

  I’m sorry I made you cry

  I’m sorry isn’t enough

  It’s not over, not by far

  I’ll keep fighting for you

  Because without you, there’s no us

  My phone ringing brings me out of my thoughts, Bailey tells me to pick her up in fifteen minutes. I didn’t realize I had been sitting here so long. Looking over my notebook, I realize nothing I’ve written can be used for a song. That’s okay. Writing eased some of my nervous energy.

  I set out for my room to put away my notebook before I pick Bailey up. At the elevator, I almost run smack into Kane as the doors open. I use all of my self-control to be civil to him so I can find out what I need to know.

  “Hey, Kane.” I put my fist out for a bump.

  He meets my knuckles with his own. “Oh, Clay, I was just about to call you. What’s up?”

  Yeah, I bet you were just about to call me a jackass. “No worries, I wanted to talk to you about Lizzie. Is she okay? You’ve got to be straight with me. I love her, Kane.”

  “I know. I’m on your side. She is tore up. What do you expect?”

  I expect that I’m about to knock your teeth down your throat. “I saw that, but what all did she say?”

  “She doesn’t want to get in the way of the baby’s chance of having a real family. Look, I’ve got to run. Can we talk later?”

  “Yeah, we’ll do that. When will you be done with whatever it is you’re in a hurry for now?” I can even hear the edge in my voice loud and clear.

  “After I’m done visiting a friend, I’m heading back home,” Kane smirks.

  “Heading home tonight? What’s the hurry? We’re all scheduled to stay until tomorrow.” I can guess his reason but I want to hear his answer.

  “Is there a problem, Clay? You’ve never concerned yourself with my agenda before.”

  He is pushing me on purpose. He wants me to react. But why? What is he up to?

  “No reason, I thought we could grab dinner. I’ll catch you later.”

  “Sure. Later, man.” Kane slides his shades onto his face as he walks past me.

  Bailey and I arrive at the law office of Dellisola and Associates about ten minutes early. This gives us a few minutes to regroup and go over our story.

  “Bailey, I can’t thank you enough for your help. Getting custody of my son is the most important thing in the world to me…besides Lizzie. Did you hear any more from her?”

  “I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. Lizzie will come around, I think. She needs time to realize that baby mama ain’t gonna be the baby’s mama.”

  “Huh?”

  “When she figures out that…Megan, right?” Bailey asks.

  I nod.

  “When she comprehends that bitch Megan isn’t wanting to be the mama, and what the fucking cunt is trying to do to you, I believe she will be by your side.”

  “I hope you’re right. As much as I hate her, she may be my only way to get to see my son. I want to forgive her, I want things to be okay, but it’s hard to get over this kind of betrayal.”

  “Clay, no matter what, you need to make peace with her. Forgiving her will be hard, but she’ll always be the mother to your son. Being on good terms with her will be one of the best things for your little boy. Never talk crap about her in front of him, no matter what. Never make her the bad guy. Those things he’ll learn on his own. You’ll be his hero for being the kind of person who always see the best in people, someone who never speaks wrong about a lady. You’ll teach him respect.”

  “Thanks, Bailey, that sounds like really great advice. You’re a really good person and I’m proud to call you my girlfriend for the next half hour or so.” I give her my first smile of the day. Lizzie is so lucky to have her as a best friend.

  “You’re welcome, honey.” She laughs.

  I told Megan how I was dating this amazing woman and how she would be by my side every step of the way. That I planned on marrying her soon and that we would raise him together. I honestly believed that Lizzie will claim him as her own child because that’s the kind of person she is. But, since Lizzie can’t as much as look at me right now, Bailey is stepping in as my loving girlfriend. This is why Cash has a problem with her helping me. I can understand his reserve, I’d been a “hell no,” too.

  We walk hand in hand through the door of one of the most distinguished law firms in Nashville. They focus on family law and John Dellisola’s main concentration is fathers’ rights. He wasn’t able to help me when I was here about the abortion because the father hasn’t any rights to whether or not the woman terminates the pregnancy. In fact, she doesn’t even have to have his consent.

  “This is a nice office. I bet they get a pretty penny an hour,” Bailey whispers.

  “Yeah, they do, but they are the best. They really have a remarkable reputation for fighting for the dads,” I murmur.

  The sleek stainless steel and glass receptionist’s desk with the flawlessly dressed secretary behind it is massive. The lady looks all prim and proper and has her hair pulled up in some kind of fancy twist, and is wearing headphones.

  “Welcome to Dellisola and Associates. How may we assist you today?” Ms. Prim and Proper asks.

  “Yes, we have an appointment with Mr. Dellisola,” Bailey says.

  “And you are?”

  “I’m Clay Wilson and this is my fiancée, Bailey.”

  “I’ll let Mr. Dellisola know you have arrived. Please have a seat.” Prim and Proper presses a button on her telephone and turns her body away from us.

  Bailey and I have a seat in the waiting area.

  Within a few minutes, the secretary stands up from her desk and announces, “Mr. Dellisola will see you now, this way please.” She gestures with her hand like one of those models on “The Price Is Right.”

  Bailey takes my hand and with a fearless stride, we follow right behind the secretary. Bailey looks up at me and gives a little wink. She has completely taken charge of this covert operation.

  As we walk into the room, Bailey is the first to speak, “Mr. Dellisola, I’m Bailey Reynolds, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Thank you for taking the time to talk with us today.” She offers him her hand.

  “Call me John, please.” John turns to me, shaking my hand, “Clayton, I’m surprised to see you again. Please have a seat.”

  “That makes two of us, John.” I shake my head and catch John up on Megan’s decisions since the last time I was here in his office.

  John makes several notes on his legal pad. “I see. Historically, unmarried fathers have had fewer rights with regard to their children than either unwed mothers or married parents. Over the past several decades, unmarried fathers have challenged the termination of their parental rights under the Fourteenth Amendment in cases in which birth mothers relinquished their children for adoption.” John leans forward, clasping his hands then laying them on his massive wooden desk.

  “So, that means what exactly?” I raise my eyebrows. It sounds promising.

  “In the state of Tennessee, you as the father have rights. The first thing we need to do is petition the court for paternity. You said that with the adoption attorney she listed the father as unknown?”

  “Yes, that is correct,” Bailey tells him.

  “What we will also do is send a Cease and Desist letter to the attorney handling the adoption, putting them on notice that you have stepped forward claiming paternity and you do no
t give your consent for the adoption.”

  “Will that be enough to get the adoption stopped?” I ask him.

  “More than likely, they will demand DNA testing, to see if you have a legitimate claim.”

  “That’s not a problem, I’ll be happy to do a DNA test today.”

  “These things take a little more time than that.” John gives me a friendly smile.

  “Wait, how will they get the baby’s DNA sample? Won’t it be dangerous to do any kind of procedure this late in the pregnancy?” Bailey asks.

  I’m glad she is here. I would have never known that. How the hell does she even know that kind of shit?

  “With all of the advances in genetic testing, there are noninvasive tests, but bear in mind the price for these types of procedures are about three times the cost of the regular paternity test. Your choices are to do the expensive test now or wait for the child to be born.”

  “I want to get the test done as soon as possible. I don’t want to wait any longer than necessary to file for full custody, John.”

  We do the paperwork, and our consultation leaves me more confident than I was when I entered the office. I owe Cash and Bailey a huge thank you for the help.

  “Clayton, I’ll be in touch in the next few days. I don’t think it will take long for Megan’s attorney to answer the Cease and Desist. We’ll know more where we stand then.” John says, standing up to dismiss us.

  “John, we can’t thank you enough,” Bailey extends her hand. “We’ll be back in Alabama, but we can be back in a few hours’ notice.”

  “I didn’t realize you’d moved, Clayton. How long do the two of you plan to stay in town?” John asks, leaning back on his desk then crossing his arms.

  “Sweetheart, I was planning to stay and see all of this through if that is acceptable with you?” I look down at Bailey, putting my arm around her shoulders.

  “Of course it is, Honey.” She places her hand on my chest.

  “That is splendid, I like you being in town,” John says.

  “Thank you again, John,” I extend my hand.