Love Me ~ Without Regret

by Renee Kennedy

  I escort Bailey out to the car with my hand at the small of her back. We both take our seats and let out big sighs.

  “The Academy Award for best fake girlfriend in a drama goes to Bailey Reynolds.” I lean over and give her a quick hug. “Bailey, thank you so much. I feel like if they think there is a woman in the picture, I’ll have a better chance for custody. I owe you big time. You’re my favorite future sister-in-law.”

  “I would like to thank God for my natural talents and my dear ol’ Granny for all of her love and support, thank you all.” Bailey kisses two fingers and throws a kiss to an imaginary crowd.

  “You’re priceless, ya know that? Now, operation number two, help me with my woman.”

  “You’ve got it, Clay, I’ll do my best to help. She is headstrong and unyielding, but I’ll have Granny talk to her. She can work magic.”

  ten

  Lizzie

  I’m sure my summons to appear has everything to do with my best friend meddling in my business. No sooner had Ryder dropped me off, Granny was calling me needing my help tomorrow. She doesn’t take no for an answer when she is determined to fix you.

  I told Bailey I needed one day and that’s exactly what she permitted me, one day. I wasn’t meaning one day for Granny to get a hold of me. I need more like a week or a month before I’m ready for her sermon. Tonight, I want a bottle of Moscato, maybe even two, and my bed. I’m locking my door and pretending I’m not home.

  Clay has texted me a couple of times, checking on me, asking if I’m okay. I keep debating if I should text him back, or talk with him and get it over with. I’m confused on what to do. I feel, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Clay loves me. I love him, too. But this has nothing to do with love.

  That’s what really sucks. Knowing that letting him go is the right thing to do but having to do it hurts so damn much. I pop the cork on my bottle of wine. I don’t bother with a glass. I sit in the middle of my bed with the lights off, allowing the blackness to envelope me.

  The darkness will not dissipate. It has taken a hold of me and won't release me. Clay hasn’t scared me. I have scared myself, as far as I can tell. Everyone says he didn’t know she was still pregnant, I believe that, but that doesn’t relieve him from being a dad, having a little family now. He was going to marry her, then. How can I stand in the way of him doing that now?

  Why did destiny pull us together simply to tear us apart? Destiny is one cruel ass bitch, letting me think I had something that was mine. Clay can never be mine when he belongs to someone else. I decide to text Clay back.

  Lizzie: We can talk about this when you get back.

  Clay: I’m staying until I can bring my son home with me. Please wait on me, Lizzie. I love you. I’ll have all of this worked out soon.

  Now what? He’s staying how long? Does that mean he is moving that girl down here with him? I finish the bottle of wine. I feel worse after texting him, I should have stuck with my gut and not made any contact. Getting free from the thoughts of him is impossible. I need more wine to make this better.

  Back in the kitchen, I pop the cork on the last bottle of Moscato I have on hand. I want to numb the pain for tonight. I hope this does the trick. I keep playing last night over and over in my head, but I want it to go away. I’ll start dealing with reality tomorrow. I deserve one day to wallow.

  Back in my room, I stare at my ceiling. How freaking long is it going to take this wine to kick in?

  I think about the walls I had around my heart for protection. Clay might have torn down my walls, but he brought barbed wire. He skillfully wrapped the twine around my heart and now he’s tugging on to ends, dragging each inch of the braided cord through my flesh, and ripping at my heart. Even though barbed wire doesn’t rot, it doesn’t protect what’s inside from dying and withering away.

  Shit, I’m out of wine and I’m still hurting all over. No one tells you that when your destiny fades away, it actually kills you. I brought this all on myself. That's what makes it so unbelievably bad. I'm my own enemy and right now I despise myself. I actually hate even breathing. I’m completely falling apart.

  I get an incoming text disturbing my misery.

  Kane: Hey, sweetheart, I’m on my way over. Can I bring you anything?

  Lizzie: I’m only saying yes because I need alcohol, but I really want to be alone tonight.

  Kane: What would you like to drink? Have you eaten?

  Lizzie: Food will just absorb the alcohol and defeat its purpose. Will you pick me up some Jack and a three liter of Pepsi?

  Kane: I can do that. I’ll see you soon.

  I’m glad that he is bringing me something a little stronger. Maybe the Jack will get me to oblivion a little faster. I scroll through Clay’s texts. Doing so is only rubbing salt in the wound, but I miss him. Letting him go hurts. I have no idea how I’m going to get through this. The pain I felt when my relationship went down the drain with Nathanial was nothing compared to this.

  Kane pulls up, and I let him in my apartment. He brought me food anyway. And it smells good. I wanted him to drop off my stuff and leave, but since he brought food, too, I don’t want to be mean.

  “Come on in, Kane. Would you like something to drink?”

  “Yeah, I’ll take a Jack and Coke. Let me make them. You sit down and relax.”

  “Okay, I won’t argue with you.” I don’t have the energy or the desire to entertain.

  Kane brings our drinks, “I brought you some pasta salad. I made it and it's really good if I do say so myself. I’m going to bring you some in here. Eat a few bites, and maybe you won’t be so sick tomorrow.” He heads back to the kitchen.

  Kane comes back and sits by me on the sofa. We make small talk while I eat my pasta.

  I finally start feeling better after my second Jack and Coke. Kane had another one, too.

  “Kane, you are going to get a buzz and not going to be able to drive home.” I giggle.

  Kane scoots a little closer to me and throws his arm behind me on the back of the couch. “I’m fine, Lizzie. I’m only having Coke this time. I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.” He leans closer.

  “Kane, we’re not…” I try to think of the right words.

  “Shh, Lizzie, we don’t need to fight this attraction we have for each other anymore.” Kane presses his lips to mine.

  I push him away, “How dare you, Kane? You just fucking told me last night you wouldn’t do this, I trusted you. I can’t believe this! Does it make you feel more like a man to take advantage of me while I’m down? Is that why you feel compelled to save me? Shame on you. You’re one of Clay’s best friends and you do this. Or do you get off on screwing over your friends?”

  “Lizzie, I’m sorry. I thought you felt the same way. I'm not trying to exploit your vulnerabilities, I feel a true connection with you.” He reaches over to caress my cheek.

  I pull away and stand. “Kane, I would like for you to leave. I have enough to deal with right now, without having a friend hit on me.”

  “I said I was sorry, Lizzie. Can we not go back to how they were a few minutes ago? Forgive and forget?”

  “I wanted to be alone tonight, and I should have stuck to my guns.” I walk to my door, opening it for him to leave.

  “Can I call you tomorrow?” Kane asks.

  “Bye, Kane,” I say, crossing my arms and gritting my teeth.

  He walks out the door frowning and shaking his head.

  He has some nerve. Did he think he could get me drunk and then screw me? I have more self-respect than that. As if I would leave Clay this morning and hop in bed with him tonight. Who does he think I am? He’s a piece of work! Now I’ve not only lost Clay, but also someone I considered a friend. I don’t know if I should tell Bailey about this or not because she tells everything to Cash these days. I don’t want to ruin any more friendships.

  I turn out the lights and put the glasses in the sink. I’m going to bed and hopefully sleep twelve hours or more. This has been a hell of a day. It h
urts. It hurts so fucking bad. Clay went from the smile on my face to the tears on my pillow. How can I ever smile again when darkness consumes me?

  Clay

  I go to see GG at The Dive. Not only for good food, but for the good advice, too. If she doesn’t have any words of wisdom, she’ll at least cheer me up. I’m sure she will give me her motherly spiel. She likes to think she keeps all of her boys in line.

  I walk in, skip the hostess stand, and make my way back to the kitchen. I poke my head in and holler for GG. Tonight being Monday, they’re not quite as busy as they are on the weekends.

  GG pops her head up from the mixer she was using, “Clay? Honey, is something wrong?” She wipes her hands on a dishtowel as she walks my way.

  “Aw, you know how it is, GG. You come back in town and run into people you know. See things you thought were long gone.”

  “Are you hungry, son? Let me get us something to sip on and we can talk in the office.” GG takes off her apron and hangs it on a hook right inside the swinging metal door.

  “I can’t eat, GG, but I’ll take a soda.”

  GG looks at me for a moment and pats my hand then scurries off to fetch our sodas. When she’s finished, she nods her head toward the office for me to follow her. “Here’s your soda, have a seat, honey. So who did you see that has you upset?”

  “Nothing gets by you does it, GG?” I turn up one side of my lip with a small sigh.

  “Clay, I don’t have a lot, but what I do have is you boys. There’s one thing ol’ GG can tell, and that’s when one of her boys is a hurtin’.” She tilts her head in my direction. “Now lay it out, so we can figure it all out and get you back to your happy go lucky self.”

  “Right before Momma and Daddy passed away, I was dating a girl named Megan.” I rest my arms on my legs, looking down at the floor.

  “Was she that high falutin girl?” GG hits the nail on the head.

  “Yeah, that’s the one. A couple of weeks before… uh, Momma…” I always get uncomfortable when I start talking about how my parents died. I rub the back of my head.

  “I know the story, honey, you don’t have to go down that road again if you don’t want to.” GG reaches over, laying her hand on my shoulder.

  “Megan told me she was pregnant. I was ecstatic, well at first I was shocked that I was ecstatic. I asked her to marry me because that’s just the right thing to do. At least in books it’s the right thing. We were both still young, but I wanted the family, little house, picket fence—the whole nine yards.” I look down at the floor a little embarrassed.

  “She didn’t want all that or did she not want all that with you?” GG tilts her head and narrows her eyes.

  “Megan was dead set against having the baby at all. She does back up singing for a country artist and is on the road a lot. She didn’t want a baby to interfere with her career. So she told me she had an abortion.” I shake my head and let out a sigh.

  “Now, son, not everyone agrees with this, but it’s the woman’s right to choose, and that’s something you’re going to have to come to terms with. You did all you could to protect your child’s life, so quit blaming yourself.” She takes my hand in her own.

  “That’s just it, GG, she lied to me. She came in last night while we were eating, and looked like she had a basketball under her shirt. She’s still pregnant with my son.”

  “That’s wonderful news, Clay, congratulations. I’m going to be a great GG, I can’t wait to tell everyone.” GG gives me a hug.

  “Megan put my child up for adoption, without letting me know. Now I’m having to jump through hoops just to get what’s mine to begin with.” I lean back in my chair, throwing my hands in the air.

  “I’m sure a good lawyer can straighten all that out, Clay. I even know a few.” She lightly pounds one fist on her desk.

  “That’s only half of my problem. The love of my life never had a dad or granddad. She’s had issues with men her whole life. She found the ring I gave to Megan right before we left. I glossed over it, not telling her that Megan had been pregnant and supposedly had an abortion.” I look away, I’m so annoyed with myself.

  “When she found out she didn’t take that very well, did she? I wouldn’t have either. Clay, it’s not that you really did something wrong but what I think is really happening here is that this new girl, what was her name again?”

  “Lizzie.”

  “Oh, yeah I remember. Lizzie actually loves you so much, I think she is putting your happiness in front of her own. It sounds to me like she is selfless. You need to hang on to her because she is willing to sacrifice herself for you, and that is the epitome of true love, Clay. She will be there when all of this is over. You just wait and see. Don’t give up on her.” She gives me an encouraging nod.

  “You really think so, GG?”

  “I know so. You don’t get to be my age without learning a thing or two.” She gives me her hearty grin that warms her whole face.

  “GG, thank you for being my family. I sure need one.” I get up and pick her up in a bear hug. I love this woman almost like she was my grandmother. Thank God for chosen families.

  I go on to explain to GG everything the attorney said and how Bailey went with me. We talk for the better part of an hour when I look up and notice it’s closing time.

  “Why don’t I stay around and help you close up tonight, GG?” I offer because I know how much needs to be done before the restaurant can be shut down and she’s helped me so much tonight.

  eleven

  Lizzie

  Thanks to Mr. Jack Daniels, I sleep hard and wake up with a banging head. That’s the price you pay to wash away a bad day. I just wish I didn’t have all these memories smacking me in my face.

  I dread facing the day and being surrounded by people who love me. I’ll still feel empty and alone. This goes above and beyond just being sad and broken. This is like cancer eating away at my insides. My whole body aches, like it has been beaten black and blue. I'm drowning in misery and I don't know how to change it.

  I get dressed and head over to my well-meaning Granny’s house. I guess I need to paste on my smile and be fine. I’ve faked being happy for a long time. I’ve actually perfected it. What is standing in my way of being happy? Reality. The reality is what wounds me. That’s the fact I have a hard time getting past.

  I take a deep breath before opening the door, “Hey, Granny, hey, Margie!” I walk over and kiss them on the cheeks. “How’s Papa today?”

  “He’s about the same, baby. How are you fairing?”

  “Awe, I’m just fine, Granny. What about you? Margie keeping you busy?”

  “We keep each other company. So tell me about your trip to Nashville.” Granny says.

  She knows and she is just pretending right along with me, letting me play my game. “Oh, we had a great time. The band was fabulous. They really need to come and play for you guys. I bet they even know some Bluegrass.”

  “Is that right? Margie, did you know those boys could play some bluegrass?” Granny glances over at Margie.

  “I sure didn’t. Neither Cash nor Clay mentioned that to me. Cash did say something about your trip to Nashville though. What was that, Addie?”

  Oh, they’re good. If you didn’t know better, you would think they were lifelong friends like Bailey and me.

  “Y’all, we really are fine. Would I be so cheerful and smiling if everything wasn’t okay?” I tell them.

  You can always tell the moment Granny changes her demeanor because she drops her smile and her voice lowers an octave. Her eyes always go to what I like to refer to as stormy. You better be on her good side when her eyes darken. Granny may be little, but I’ve seen grown men twice her size back down from her, just from a glare of those steely eyes.

  “You can tell everyone else you’re okay, baby, but you’re talking to me and I know you’re not.”

  “What? Of course I am.” I touch my hand to my chest. “You’re my Granny. I know better than lie to you.”

>   “That’s right, I’m your Granny and I’m supposed to be here for you. I’m the one who is expected to take care of you. That’s my job. Don’t take that away from me because you think you’re all grown up. Everybody needs their Granny. She’s the one who will always love you unconditionally. Lizzie, you are just as much my baby as anyone else. So don’t give me that you’re okay because Grannies know these things.”

  “Yes, ma’am, but if you two already know why do I have to go through the trouble of repeating the events?”

  “Because we might know some things you don’t. And some you’re too stubborn to hear.” Margie tells me.

  Wow, Margie has never stepped up and talked to me like this. “Excuse me? I’m not being stubborn. I believe in a family that’s all. I think Clay should be there for his child and I’m not going to be the one to stand in the way.”

  “Is that all you believe in, Lizzie? What about love?” Margie asks.

  “What does love have to do with anything?” I ask.

  “Love is worth the risk. Things might not always be easy between the two of you, but you’re worth it. When you love someone, you don’t stop because things get hard, not even if there are fifty reasons why you should. You look for that one reason to hold on. Why do you need anything other than, you love him and he loves you? It’s that simple.” Margie tells me.

  “This is coming from a woman who stayed with a man while he was cheating on her for… how many years? I don't mean you any disrespect, Margie, but do you guys even know what’s going on? Clay’s ex-girlfriend is about to have a baby. He clearly wants to be the father to the baby. He asked that girl to marry him. Where am I being stubborn might I ask?” I cross my arms, and my fake smile has cracked.

  “So you have it all figured out, Baby? Did Clay tell you that he’s about to marry this girl?” Granny asks.