Love Me ~ Without Regret

by Renee Kennedy

  That’s all I need to hear. I push him against the living room wall by his throat. We’re evenly matched size wise, but he wasn’t expecting me to attack him. I was coming over here to confront him about Megan and he’s telling me about something he did to my woman.

  “What the fuck did you do to Lizzie? Do you have a death wish, motherfucker?”

  “Clay, nothing happened. I read her signals wrong. She made me leave. I didn’t even kiss her. Get the fuck off of me.” He gives me a shove.

  “That’s not the point, is it? The point is you tried.” I punch him in the gut.

  “Fuck you. You didn’t have the right to call her yours. She was all over me that first night. She wanted me, begging me to take her home that night. We both know what would have happened if I had given her a lift.”

  He and I are slugging it out now.

  “You fucking threw Denise at me. Like I would ever down date.” He says through bared teeth.

  “Denise is a nice girl. You’d be lucky to have her ass.”

  His face is getting bloody, and my body is hurting.

  “Yeah, that’s why you’re with her now,” he says.

  I take a step back and we both catch our breath.

  “I thought we were friends, Kane. You don’t treat friends like shit.” I tell him.

  “I thought things were over between you and Lizzie.”

  “Still wouldn’t have been okay, don’t you see that? She’s my forever. It wouldn’t have ever been okay.” I turn, and push my hair out of my face. Facing him again, I say, “You know, I didn’t even know about Lizzie. I wasn’t even here for her. I was here about you and Megan.”

  “I just assumed she told you. Fuck, if you’re not here to kick my ass for Lizzie, what has you all upset… Megan?”

  I finally smile. “Karma.”

  seventeen

  Lizzie

  I arrive before Ryder and get seated in the restaurant across the street from the bank he manages. From the table, I watch the busy traffic whizzing down the street. The drizzling rain makes everything look dreary and depressing. Or maybe’s that just my mood.

  When Ryder walks into the restaurant, I realize I’ve never seen him all dressed up for work. He cleans up well. I mean he always looks great, but he looks sharp all decked out in a suit and tie.

  “Hey, Lizzie, how’s it going?”

  “I’m eh, take it or leave it, but look at you, Mr. Banker. Don’t you look good all dressed up?”

  “So what’s going on? Does it have anything to do with the emergency band meeting Clay set up?” He takes a sip of water the waitress brought when I first arrived.

  “He didn’t mention anything to me about a band meeting. But he doesn’t know anything about what I need to talk to you about.”

  The waitress arrives and sets down the sweet tea I ordered.

  “Hello, I’m Emily and I’ll be taking care of you today. What can I get you to drink?”

  Boy, isn’t she miss Mary sunshine? Makes me want to take a pin and pop her balloon.

  “Water’s fine. I’m ready to order. Do you know what you want, Lizzie?” Ryder glances at me over his menu.

  “I’ll have the Barbeque Bacon Burger with fries.” I hand my menu to the waitress.

  She holds her little notepad, looking at Ryder expectantly.

  “I’ll have a Grilled Chicken Salad with Ranch dressing, please,” Ryder hands her his menu, too.

  “Okay, I’ll get those right out. Again, my name is Emily, if y’all need anything just give me a shout.” She taps her ballpoint pen against her nametag then leaves.

  “What is it that you need to talk through?” Ryder says with a sigh.

  “Well, you get straight to business, don’t ya? School is going great. Only a few more semesters to go. Thanks for asking.” I laugh.

  “Look, I’m fond of you, and I think you and Clay are great for each other, but I’ve spent my entire life trying to keep two people who supposedly love each other from killing each other so I don’t get involved with people's relationships. I offered you a ride home from Nashville because I had a momentary lapse in judgment. I can’t be a big brother for you to come running to when you have a problem that needs solving. I have a sister and brother that do that enough.”

  “Ya know, Ryder, forget I asked to talk to you. Forget I thought you were a friend and that maybe you could be the one person who was open-minded enough to see all sides of a story. I’m really sorry I asked you. I didn’t have the luxury of having any siblings, but if I did, you can bet I would be there for them. Family is all that you’ve got. You can take that to the bank and cash it. I bet if it came down to it, both your brother and sister would be there for you in a heartbeat.” I snap my fingers. I’m kind of hurt by this. I didn’t know Ryder could be so cold, I bet this is why things didn’t work out for him and Aubrey.

  “Wait a minute, where do you get off…” He draws his lips in a hard line and takes in a deep breath then lets it out slowly through his nose. “Let’s start this over. Hey, Lizzie, how’s school going?” He asks with a phony smile.

  “Great, Ryder, how’s work?” I ask.

  “Good. What’s on your mind?” He keeps the open mouth smile that shows his perfect pearly white teeth.

  “Thank you so much for asking, Ryder.” I drop all of the fake pretenses and tell him about Kane.

  The waitress drops off our food.

  “What are you wanting my advice about? It sounds like you told him no and he left you alone, right? Is he still bothering you?”

  “No, he hasn’t as much as sent me a text. Today, I listened on speakerphone while Clay got his paternity results.. Actually at the end, he forgot I was there.” I take a small bite of my burger. “He got negative results.”

  “That’s great. Believe me, you dodged a bullet not having to deal with that train wreck. Megan would have had you pulling your hair out.”

  “I figured that out quickly. Like I said, Clay forgot I was listening and I heard her follow him out to the parking lot to explain the circumstances other than her being a whore.”

  Ryder was taking a sip of his water and nearly choked.

  “That had to be entertaining for you to hear,” he said when his voice recovered.

  “It was… interesting. She told Clay an eerily similar story about Kane. She didn’t push him away, though.” I sit back against the booth, crossing my arms.

  “Oh, I see,” Ryder says.

  “What? What do you see?” I ask him.

  “Someone else finally caught on to Kane having a hard on for Clay,” Ryder says. “They thought Megan was stupid, but looks like she was at least observant.”

  “Oh, Mi Gawd! Kane’s gay?” I can feel my eyes growing as big as saucers. I cover my mouth.

  Ryder narrows his eyes. “No! He’s jealous. They were friends of my brother Rocco and are all around the same age. Kane was always the big man on campus. He had it all. More money than you could ever spend, a badass car, parents that were never home so he threw killer parties. Girls…he had girls.” Ryder pauses to take a couple of bites of food.

  “That sounds like the ideal life for a teenage guy,” I say.

  “You would think. Clay has been singing and playing the guitar his whole life. I remember when they were in elementary school together, him winning talent shows, carrying that guitar everywhere he went. When all the parties started, Clay would bring his old acoustic and sing to a few of the girls. The guy had moves and was getting noticed. That took some of the attention away from Kane.”

  “What does that have to do with him making a move on the whore and me?”

  “My theory in all of this is Clay took one too many girls from Kane’s clutches, and when they started the band, guess which guy was the one most girls went crazy over? It’s always the singer, right? Kane’s taken voice lessons and has done everything he can think of to get to Clay’s level of showmanship. But Clay has that natural ability, and he doesn’t have to work for it.”
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br />   “I see the problem now. The million dollar question is do I tell Clay about Kane?” I ask him.

  “You haven’t even told him yet?” Ryder takes his napkin to his lips.

  “I took care of Kane by shutting him down that night, and I didn’t want to cause trouble for the band. But with learning about what Kane did to Megan, I’m really torn on what to do.” I look out the window. “I didn’t want to ask Bailey because she wouldn’t be able to think past Clay needing to know. She wouldn’t take the band into consideration.”

  “Lizzie, I can’t tell you what to do. You have to do what deep down in your heart is saying is the right thing to do. Will it break up the band? Yeah, but who can blame Clay for that. If I were in Clay’s shoes, I would have kicked his ass a long time ago. Listen, never let someone make your mind up for you. You have a perfectly good head on your shoulders. Use it. You already knew what you should do before you even called me.” Ryder signals for the check.

  “Thanks for giving me some background on their friendship. When do I get to hear about Ryder Payne; the man, the myth, the legend?”

  “Never. That’s one story that will go to my grave.” He reaches for the check from the waitress and hands her a couple of bills.

  “This was going to be on me, I asked you to lunch.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Business lunch. We talked all business, didn’t we?” Ryder says.

  “Yeah. Thanks, Ryder. I’m sorry if I overstepped some sort of bounds. I just thought you could be unbiased.”

  We get up to leave.

  “I’m sorry I went off like that. Please forgive me for being an ass.”

  Clay

  Kane and I finish beating the shit out of each other, but before I leave I want to make one thing clear. If he jacks with anyone I love again, I’ll put him six feet under. He knows where I stand on him being in the band and I’ll update everyone else when we have the band meeting. He never admitted what he did with Megan was wrong, and he said he didn’t think the baby was his either. I don’t care who the daddy is because the baby is going to a loving home.

  I pull up in the driveway. My old truck sure looks good sitting beside Lizzie’s little Volkswagen Beetle. I sure would like to see those two cars sitting side by side forever. I just need to understand why she didn’t tell me about Kane. I’m ninety-nine percent sure the reason won’t make a difference, but I want to know so it doesn’t drive me crazy later on.

  I hear the screen door open with a creak and see my woman jumping off the porch to meet me halfway. I hope she always feels this excited when I get home.

  “Clay! Oh, Baby, what happened? Are you okay?” She kisses me gently around my face. “Where does it hurt?”

  “I’m fine. Give me a real kiss.” I take her in my arms and kiss her like I mean it.

  “Mmm, what happened?” she asks again.

  “Come on inside. I want to talk to you, Babe.”

  “Okay, I’ve got something I’ve needed to tell you for a couple of weeks.”

  We walk hand in hand up the steps to the house.

  “I didn’t want to tell you, Clay, because I took care of it myself. This morning when I heard Megan’s story about Kane, I decided I probably should tell you even if it breaks up the band.” She looks up through her long eyelashes.

  “Go ahead, Babe, I want to hear this first.” We walk into the living room. I sit in my recliner and pull her onto my lap.

  Lizzie goes on to tell me a story very similar to Megan’s, but Lizzie didn’t let Kane have any access. I told her about going over to talk with him about Megan, but he assumed I was there about her.

  “Anyway, we beat the shit out of each other for a while. I got out most of my aggression. Told him he got what was coming to him, and I left to come home to you.” I pull her down for a kiss.

  “I guess I should have told you sooner. I’m really sorry about that, Clay.”

  “It’s okay, I’ll let you make it up to me.” I hold her as I pop up the footrest on the recliner.

  Lizzie lays mostly to the side of me, but has her legs across my lap and her head snuggled down on my chest. I love sitting here in the silence with the afternoon sun warming my face while I hold my woman. Running my fingers through her hair, I notice the glow of the sun turns the strands to an even more beautiful shade of gold. Her hair gliding through my fingers makes me feel closer to her somehow and I know she likes it because I can feel her body relax against mine. She makes soft little moans, moving slightly. This is almost hypnotic.

  “Clay, I think you’re going to put me to sleep doing that.”

  She sighs lazily.

  “We wouldn’t want that now, would we? Where’s Oak? Shouldn’t she be home?” I ask.

  “She is in a poise class until about nine so she won’t be home until nine-thirty.” She yawns.

  “That gives us some alone time, doesn’t it?”

  “It gives us several hours.”

  “What would you say to another foot massage?” I whisper in her ear.

  “It’s almost the best thing I’ve heard all day.” She lifts her head to look me in the eyes.

  eighteen

  Lizzie

  “The one thing I feared would happen, happened,” I tell Bailey over the phone.

  “What’s that, Lizzie? Are you pregnant? That’s it, isn’t it? I can’t wait to be an aunt.”

  I hear the excitement in Bailey’s voice.

  “Would you shut the hell up? Bite your tongue. No, I’m not pregnant. But I need help shopping today.”

  “What are we buying? Is it a wedding dress? Oh, this is so exciting!” Bailey squeals.

  “Good Lord! No, it’s not a wedding dress. We need a new…bed.”

  “A new bed? That’s not exciting at all. What’s wrong with the old one?”

  “Can we please just pick out a new one and not get into the reason why?”

  “Nah, I want the details. All the juicy, raunchy, dirty details. Let me grab some popcorn and my tea.” Bailey laughs.

  “We broke the bed,” I tell her in a low tone.

  “How did you break the bed? This is going to be good. Wait, wait, wait. First, Clay falls out of the tub and nearly breaks his tailbone then you almost burn down a hotel. Now you demolish a bed. Lord, girl! What kind of freaky sex acts are you two doing? I may want to try some of those, too, ya know.”

  “Bailey, it wasn’t anything wild or freaky. It was normal. The bed just broke.”

  “This was Clay’s bed, right? His bed that is less than a year old.”

  “Yes, Bailey, apparently it wasn’t well made. Are you going with me or do I need to get Aubs?” I huff.

  “I’ll go. Just tell me what position you guys were in and what part of the bed broke.”

  Bailey just keeps digging.

  “Bailey, I’m going to tell you this one thing, and so help me if you ever bring this incident up again, I’ll happily announce at the next family picnic what you really use oranges for.” She knows I will. “It’s not like it was that exciting anyway.”

  “Okay, just tell me.”

  “Well, the bed just kind of split in half. He was holding on to the headboard and we were really into it when we heard a loud pop. The next thing I know we are a foot lower on the floor. Before you ask, missionary, plain Jane missionary.” It’s the truth. She doesn’t need the details like she would read in a book. Slot a fitting into slot b and throbbing members. That’s her problem. Too many books clouding her brain.

  “Ugh, that’s boring, Lizzie. Tell me how he’s indebted to you forever.”

  “Bailey, I’m on my way over to pick you up. I guess you haven’t been getting ready while we’ve been talking,” I say. “Plus, we need to talk about how to do Oakley’s hair and makeup. Did she send you a picture of her dress?”

  “Yes, she sent me a picture. Come on over. I’ll be ready by the time you get here. We can plot about Oakley while we’re out. I’ve pinned some hairdos to a board already.”

 
“Be ready.” I know I’ll be waiting. She’s hardly ever ready on time.

  Clay

  Oakley’s never home. She’s either at some kind of prep course for this pageant or she is with Quinn. Not that this is a bad thing. It gives Lizzie and I time alone together. I love my little sister, but all of my affection toward Lizzie embarrasses her. I can’t wait for her to bring a guy home one day so I can annoy her like she does me. Scratch that thought. She can’t ever date. Not until she is out of college, and he can’t be all over her in my sight. Shit, maybe I need to calm things down in front of her. She’s actually home this afternoon. I can hear her playing her guitar.

  Tonight, we are all going over to Granny and Papa’s house. They love music and Oakley needs practice in performing in front of others. I’ve been working with her for the talent portion of this pageant thing that she has going on in a few weeks. She sounds great, but this will be a great opportunity to work out her jitters. The whole Jackson family is invited to the competition, and they’re all coming out to support Oakley. This family has welcomed Oakley and me with open arms.

  “Hey, Baby Girl, that sounds great,” I say, walking into Oakley’s room. “Do you want for us to run through it a few times before we go over to Granny and Papa’s house?”

  “Please! Can we record it so I can listen to what I may be missing?”

  “Of course we can. Is there any part that you’re worried about? You sound amazing. I’m proud of you. You know that, right? They would be proud of you, too.”

  “I’m scared that I’m going to get up there and choke up.”

  “I know, ‘Tears In Heaven’ is an emotional song to begin with.” I sit on the bed next to her.

  “What if I start singing and think about what happened and I can’t finish the whole song?”

  I know she’s talking about the death of our parents, I wish there was some way to help her get through this a little easier. “You’ve got to get in your zone, try to visualize all the negative leaving your body. Focus on the music.”