Love Me ~ Without Regret

by Renee Kennedy

“I miss them, Clay. I miss them so much it hurts.” Oakley breaks down, her first time in weeks to let her feelings out. “I feel guilty if I go a day without thinking about them. I get mad at myself.” She lays her head on my shoulder.

  “I have anger, shame, and guilt all wrapped up and tapped down. Truthfully, it’s all overwhelming.” I put my arm around her shoulders. “We’ve just been through an emotional earthquake, and the aftershocks are going to affect us for a long time, Oakley.”

  “It’s too much, Clay. I don’t know if I can handle all of this.” Oakley clutches her hand and pounds her chest. “What makes you mad at them?”

  “I’m furious that Dad lied to us for all of those years. I’m resentful that Mom left us, too, that she was selfish by taking her own life. She left us as a dysfunctional family. She left you without a positive female role model.” I kiss her temple and stroke her arm. “Please know you can talk to me any time, to express these feelings. That’s what brothers are for, Oakley.” She looks like a little girl again, and my heart breaks for her to have to face this, for us to have to face this.

  “This pageant brings the painful feelings to the surface. It’s something I can’t share with them. I just think about how many things I’m not going to get to experience with them. I’m scared I’m going to forget something about them,” She says between gasps of air.

  “Breathe, Baby Girl. I’ve got you.” I rock her. “I know they’re irreplaceable, but I’m here for you. We’re still a family, Oakley, and now we have Cash. It’s not the same, but I think we’ve got a great group of people here that love us.”

  “I know.”

  “I know Mom and Dad wouldn’t want us to quit living our lives either,” I whisper, soothing her and stroking her hair.

  “When will it stop hurting?”

  “I suppose grief takes time, and is never entirely over. We will always miss them. I think the best we can do is take one day at a time, deal with each emotion as it comes. Sticking together and having each other to lean on is the main thing.”

  “I’m scared that I’m going to forget the way they laughed or things they said.”

  “I know what we can do. Dad told me once when I was feeling heartbroken I should write things down. Why don’t we get notebooks and write down everything we remember?” I take a deep breath. “Everything. I mean things that seem insignificant. We can describe the colors in their eyes, funny things they would say.”

  Oakley lets out a tiny, “Okay.”

  “Seriously, every tiny detail. That way when we miss them, we can look back in remembrance. I figure one day we might not remember everything, but if we have things written down, we won’t be worried about forgetting.”

  “Can we do something on the day?”

  “Are you talking about the day it happened?” We both avoid saying the actual words.

  Oakley nods, but keeps her head bowed, concentrating on her bedroom floor. She breathes in deep then sniffs and hiccups.

  “What did you have in mind, Oak?” I kiss her hair. This is my baby sister. I’d do anything to help her feel better.

  “I don’t know what people normally do when their parents…” She looks up, tears heavy on her lashes.

  “Maybe make a memorial?” Am I on the right track?

  Oakley nods. “Can we make a little garden? I’ll take care of it, Clay. At least when I’m home from college.”

  “That’s a great idea, Oakley. We can get stones, like stepping stones, and have them engraved with their names and dates of…” I can’t finish, that familiar lump gets lodged in my throat.

  “A bench, I would like to have a place to sit in our garden,” she adds.

  “We can plan every detail together. How does that sound, Baby Girl?”

  “I like it. And, Clay, I like you calling me Baby Girl like Daddy did.”

  My heart erupts with love for my sister. You never know how your words affect someone. I’m thankful my term of affection comforts her. “I’m glad you do because I can’t quit calling you that. That’s been your name ever since I can remember. Now, do you still want to rehearse?”

  “That makes it sound like it’s a movie.” Oakley laughs softly. “Rehearsal.”

  “I’ll get the digital recorder. You make a warm cup of lemon water and warm the areas around your larynx,” I tell her as I get up.

  “Hey, do you know if Kane is coming to see me perform?”

  “I haven’t talked to Kane in the last two weeks, Oaks. We didn’t exactly leave things on good terms. I sort of told him to stay away from all of us. Not that he’s ever listened to me before.”

  “I’m tired of losing people from my life, Clay. I refuse to let one more person go. Kane has been your best friend for all of my life.”

  “I understand that you like Kane, but I can’t accept him being in my life anymore. Oakley, he’s toxic. He disregarded my relationship with Lizzie. He continued to overstep boundaries.” I hope she can understand why I’m not letting Kane in my inner circle of trust.

  “I still want him as a friend, Clay. He’s been in my corner, and he has been the one to listen to me cry when you weren’t here.”

  She inserts the knife and gives it a twist. I see she has our mother’s guilt trip abilities. But I guess she is right. I’ve been consumed with Lizzie and then I was off in Tennessee dealing with Megan.

  “I’m sorry about that, Oak. I’m sorry you needed me and I wasn’t here. Kane is gone. He’s quit the band and moved. He’s left the state as far as I know.”

  “He told me he was thinking about moving back home.”

  “Like I said, I told him to stay away from us. I don’t even like the idea of you guys being friends. Stay away from him, Oak.”

  “I’m eighteen years old, Clay, and can make up my mind who I want to be friends with. You’re not my dad. You’ve got no right to tell me I can’t be his friend.”

  “Oh, little sister! You will end up getting your feelings hurt by him. He will let you down. It’s not a matter of if but when it happens. When he does, remember this conversation. That way, I don’t have to say I told you so.” I leave her room before I say anymore. I can’t lock her in her room, but I sure wish for that as a possibility. I’d do just about anything to keep her away from being in his destructive world.

  nineteen

  Lizzie

  The night of the festival

  “If you were to be an ambassador for our community and show me around, where would you take me and why?” Bailey asks Oakley another possible interview question.

  They have been going over different aspects of what she can expect tonight while I do her makeup.

  “Thank you, Ms. Bailey. If you were lucky enough to visit during the Beginning of Summer Festival, I would obviously bring them here to the festival. This wonderful event showcases all the highlights of our county better than anywhere else. You can see our history, the arts that we offer, our agriculture, and some really great people. If you came to visit any other time of the year, blah blah blah.” Oakley gets tongue-tied.

  “That’s a great answer, why don’t you just leave off the blahs?” I tell her.

  “You’ve got this, Oakley. I watched the talent portion of the dress rehearsal when I came home early on Thursday. You’re the best by far.”

  “But you guys know the title is not about beauty or talent really. It’s more about community service and attending all the event stuff. I was punctual and made it to every single meeting, whether or not it was a required event. I hope that’s enough.”

  “Girl, look at all the volunteer work you’ve done with the deaf. Plus, all of your work at the ranch. Those kids love you. Not only are you going to be a great teacher for kids with disabilities but also an advocate. If someone doesn’t believe it, I’ll tell them,” I say.

  “Lizzie, the work at the ranch doesn’t count since it’s a family run organization, and well, since it’s run by my own family.” She shakes her head.

  “That’s bullshit.”


  “Oakley, even if they don’t allow you to count your service hours at the ranch, the generosity of your time in other organizations should be plenty. Did you list being a camp counselor at Camp Blessing for the last couple of years?” Bailey asks.

  “I did and my mentor from the school for the deaf wrote me a recommendation. She’s coming tonight.”

  “She’s coming from Tennessee to see you? Oakley, that’s fabulous. You must have made a great impression on her,” Bailey says.

  “I’ve met Niketa, Bay. She’s a sassy one. You’re going to love her. We’ve invited her to stay the weekend with us.” I step away from the mirror. “How does that look, Oakley?”

  Oakley leans closer to inspect her makeup. “It’s a little dark, isn’t it?” She turns her head from side to side.

  “For it to show up in pictures and on stage it has to be a little darker.”

  “If you say so, but if Clay freaks out because my eye makeup is too dark, it’s on you, Lizzie.”

  “Leave Clay to me.” I snicker. “Now, are you still pulling your hair to one side with loose curls?” Bailey is on hair duty, but I’m keeping tabs on the whole operation.

  “Don’t you two think it looked best over to the side like that?” Oakley asks.

  “Who is your escort?” Bailey asks.

  “My boyfriend,” she states matter-of-factly.

  “Boyfriend! You haven’t told me about a boyfriend, has she told you, Bay?” I shriek.

  “No, she hasn’t. Spill, girl. There're not any secrets between friends.” Bailey takes a piece of Oakley’s hair and wraps it around the hot curling iron.

  “Like I’m telling either of you anything. Lizzie, you have a big mouth and Bailey, you have an even bigger mouth.” She laughs.

  “Just wait, you’ll be asking for advice with him or needing a “how to” seminar on something and this big mouth of mine is going to be closed,” I say.

  “At least tell us what he looks like. He is taller than you, right?” Bailey questions as she steadily moves from one section of hair to the next.

  “Bailey, I’m not that tall. Yes, he’s taller than me! He’s about as tall as Clay. Maybe an inch or so shorter so probably about five foot eleven. He has dark brown hair and hazel eyes that have so many specks of gold in them, they make me think of a leprechaun’s treasure.” Oakley smiles.

  “His body? Don’t make me go up to him after this shindig is over and make him do a three sixty. I’ll do it, don’t try me, Oak.” I tell her.

  “Mmm hmm,” Bailey wiggles her eyebrows at Oakley. “How does he fill out a pair of jeans? Front and back!”

  “You two are horrible. I swear if either of you embarrasses me, I’ll spend the rest of my life returning the favor.” Oakley says.

  “Chill your little butt out. We would never do that to you, not in front of him anyway.” She tickles me, always turning several shades of red when Clay even kisses me.

  “You both have been put on notice.” She points between us.

  Bailey and I look at each other and crack up laughing. Oakley is a hoot. If she thinks she can scare Bay or me, she’s crazy.

  Clay

  “Where did my baby sister go? I see a beautiful lady, not a little girl anymore.” I tell Oakley when she comes out, all made up by the girls. “Excuse me, ma’am, I’m looking for my Baby Girl. Do you happen to know where she might be hiding?” I give Oakley a peck on the cheek.

  “Oh, stop it, Clay. Do I really look okay? You’re not upset that I have on so much makeup?”

  “Are you kidding? No, you’re gorgeous. Not that you need all of that extra stuff on your eyes but it looks good for a night. Hey, I’ve got a little something for you.”

  Oakley looks at me suspiciously, “What is it, Clay?”

  “This is from Mom’s wedding dress. I called GG, and she went and clipped a small section from the layer underneath. It’s tiny, but I thought you could put it in your shoe for good luck. That way she would be with you tonight.” I hand her the two-inch square of silk and a guitar pick. “This is a pick of Dad’s. If you don’t want to use it tonight, you could put it in your other shoe.”

  “Clay.” She looks down at the two items in her hand. “I don’t know what to say. This is… the best gift I’ve ever received.” She gives me a hard hug, “This means more to me than you’ll ever know.” Her eyes get glossy.

  “Hey now, Baby Girl, we’ll have none of the waterworks. Lizzie will get you and me both if you end up with black tears.” I hope I’ve lightened the mood. “Chin up, head high, and shoulders back. You go in there and show all of those festival people what Oakley Cheyenne Wilson is made of!”

  I drive the three of us to the county fairgrounds. Cash and Bailey follow behind us. Granny wanted to see Oakley strut her stuff, as she put it, but she isn’t able to get about very well, so Margie got Kathy Rose, Bailey’s mom, to come over and sit with Granny and Papa. Kate, Lizzie’s mom, is picking up Margie so she can see Oakley, too. Some of Bailey and Lizzie’s younger cousins made signs that say ‘Go Oakley’ and ‘Oakley for Festival Queen’. They all have been pouring out love and support for Oakley.

  “I’ll grab your guitar, and Lizzie will get your clothes,” I tell her.

  “What does that leave me to carry, Clay? I need to do something with my hands, I feel awkward.” Oakley shakes her hands.

  “Your shoes, girl, I can’t carry them and your clothes.” Lizzie laughs. “Bailey packed hair spray, bobby pins, and a comb, in case she needs to touch up your hair. I’ve got the makeup we’ve used in my purse. We have you covered.”

  “Good, I’m glad you thought of all of that.”

  Oakley looks relieved.

  The auditorium is set up with a stage and a center runway outlined in lights. The backdrop is all black curtains. I notice they have spotlights set up, too. They really went to a great deal of work to put this thing on for the girls.

  “Which side are our reserved seats located?” I ask Lizzie to see if she remembers.

  “Oakley said her school is on the left, she reserved six seats for us. Her escort’s parents will be sitting with us. They put each school’s representatives together. There’s a total of twelve schools in the county, so there should be that many girls competing,” Lizzie says. “I’m going to the dressing room with her and help her get into her dress and stay with her until it’s almost time to start.”

  “Thank you, Babe, for doing this for her.” I pull her in for a kiss before she leaves me.

  “She’s my friend, and that’s what friends are for.” Lizzie gives me a wink and hurries off to be with Oakley.

  How did Oak and I get so lucky to get this group of people? They all are great examples of what it means to be a family, always there for each other when needed.

  I walk over to our side of the platform and find where the name of Oakley’s school is taped to a row of chairs. I see another couple and a boy sitting there already. This must be the escort and his family. I give them a nod and walk to the opposite end of the aisle, claiming the end seat before Cash comes in and takes it.

  “Clay, we are here. Are there enough seats for Kate and I to sit with you over here?” Margie comes over to ask me.

  “I think so. I guess it would depend on how many seats the escort’s family needs.”

  Margie glances down the row, “I’ll go down there and ask them, okay?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I stand up to give Lizzie’s mom a hug. “Ms. Kate, how are you today?” All the hugging this family does was something Oakley and I had to get used to. We didn’t do all of the touchy feely stuff back home with anyone other than mom. It’s nice, though, it makes you feel important, loved.

  “Now, Clay, I’ve already told you to call me Kate.” She hugs me back.

  “That’s what I called you, Ms. Kate.”

  “You can drop the Ms., simply Kate is fine.”

  “Okay, Simply Kate it is. Simply Kate, you look pretty tonight. Are you sure you’re not Lizzie�
�s sister?”

  “Ha ha. Don’t I wish I looked young enough to be her sister!”

  Margie comes back. “Those people are the Stones and they said they’ll only need one more seat beside the seat their son is in right now.”

  I glance down the row, “Thank you, guys, it’s nice to meet ya.” I put my hand up in a little wave and smile at them.

  “You, too. We’re all rooting for Oakley,” the lady says.

  “That gives us six seats and them four. So, you ladies take your pick. Where you’d like to sit, other than these first two. These are for Lizzie and me.”

  “Oh, I wanted that end seat.” Kate smiles.

  “That’ll be just fine, you go right ahead and sit there. I’ll sit next to you.” I tell her, I’m certainly not going to tell her she can’t sit there.

  “I’m just teasing. Margie, you and I better go ahead and sit down by the Stones. Lizzie and Bailey are thick as thieves and connected at the hip.” Kate laughs.

  “You’re not telling me anything new,” Margie says.

  They take up their roost down the row and get busy swapping gossip with Mrs. Stone. I don’t think they meet any strangers.

  The building gets crowded the closer it gets to show time. All the escorts sit in a special area that’s roped off from everyone else. The fellers are all laughing and joking around with each other. They don’t appear to have any of the nerve issues that Oakley was experiencing. I’ve watched the girls show up and go into the dressing room. They were all scurrying around like church mice. I am amazed how worked up these young ladies get themselves over stuff like this.

  The lights flash and all the escorts stand and walk toward the dressing room. Lizzie and Bailey make their way over to the rest of us.

  “How’s she doing?” Margie asks.

  “As well as can be expected,” Bailey remarks.

  “She’ll do fine,” Kate says.

  “Oh, I know she will, but she doesn’t know she will and that’s the problem,” Lizzie tells them.

  The Master of Ceremonies takes her place at the podium. She is a beautiful petite blonde woman, she’s all class. She has a microphone in one hand and straightens notes cards with the other. She gives the crowd a friendly smile, scrunches her nose, and starts the program at 7:00 pm promptly. “Hello, Y’all. I’m Amy Waters and I’d like to welcome you the thirty-third annual Beginning of Summer Pageant. Tonight, I have the distinct honor of presenting to you twelve of this county’s finest young ladies. They have all worked hard and deserve our undivided attention, so if you’ll please silence your cell phones. Ladies, if any of you have a whining husband, please accompany him outside.” She laughs at her own joke. This lady is peppy, you would think she’s as young as the contestants. I bet she was a beauty queen herself back in her day. She is what Lizzie and Bailey would call posh.