Belonging

by Karen Ann Hopkins

  My mind had gone blank. What could I have possibly have said to the woman? In some warped backward way, she was correct, but it still made no sense at all. I had just kept my mouth shut and taken the watch off my wrist, dropping it into Ruth’s waiting hand. What she did with it I had no idea.

  The service went on and on and on. Bishop Lambright took up the reins again, waking all the weak souls who had drifted away to slumber land. The songs were all so similar that I didn’t even need to change the page, although Ruth continued to guide me with the hymnal by pointing to her numbers briefly, then forgetting about me again.

  I had to give Suzanna credit: she sat still as stone beside me, not slipping up and trying to whisper to me through the agonizing minutes that just kept going. I had to pee so badly by the end that I had to tightly cross my legs. Even though many of the women with babies or young children would get up and leave for a few minutes, returning after the crying stopped or the bathroom break was over, I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and walk out in front of everyone.

  As I observed the comings and goings of only the women with babies or small children thoughtfully, it seemed to me that unless I grabbed the sleeping baby from the shoulder in front of me, I would have stuck out like a sore thumb making an exit to the bathrooms, wherever they might have been.

  It was also becoming stuffy in the room, what with all the overdressed bodies squeezed in together as the sun was climbing higher into the sky. Body odor and nasty cologne smell drifted to my nostrils, putting the icing on the cake for my first Amish church experience.

  I would have been able to handle an hour—or maybe even two—with no problem at all, but I was sure it was now pushing three hours that I’d sat on the torture bench, wedged in between Ruth and Suzanna.

  Just when I thought I couldn’t take a minute more, the song ended and everyone began to move around. Unlike the singing I had been to, there was no jumping up and running for the door this time. Everyone quietly handed their books down the line and leisurely rose from their seats.

  My first order of business was to find the nearest bathroom. As far as I was concerned, even Noah could wait until I accomplished the task, but Ruth had other ideas. In her mind, the acceptable time to introduce me to the neighbors had arrived.

  I stood uncomfortably for several more minutes while I met Iva, Mary Jane, Lilith and a few more whose names glazed across my mind only to be instantly forgotten. Some of the ladies were reserved, and some were friendly in a curious sort of way. They all were carbon copies of each other in dress, manner and speech.

  I couldn’t take it any longer. “I’m sorry, Ruth, but, ah, I need to go to the bathroom. Could you point the way?”

  “I’ll take her,” Suzanna piped up behind me at the same time she grabbed my arm, pulling me away from the group of women that reminded me of a gathering of hens in a coop. Suzanna waited just the second it took Ruth to nod her blessing and mumble something in German before she turned and headed for the door.

  I caught a glimpse of Miranda following behind us, but I didn’t turn her way. I was too busy searching for Noah as we broke through the shed opening into the bright midday sunshine. The light hurt my eyes, and I shielded them with my hand while wishing I’d brought sunglasses. Could I have worn them? I certainly didn’t see anyone wearing any right then.

  We turned the corner and proceeded up the wooden steps to the cottage house. Suzanna passed everyone in silence, intent on her mission to get me to the bathroom quickly. I was thankful when we cruised through the busy kitchen and turned another corner into the large bathroom.

  To my surprise, both Suzanna and Miranda followed me in.

  Before I could protest, Suzanna was at the mirror telling me she wouldn’t look and Miranda was peeking through the corner of the blinds of the sole window.

  Necessity won out over being prudish, and I did my business quickly. The second I was decent, Suzanna turned around. Leaning back against the vanity, she said, “So how’d you enjoy that experience?” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm, and I couldn’t help but grin back at her.

  Sarah was an instant friend, and I loved her dearly, but I felt drawn to Suzanna. Her wicked sense of humor and playfulness would be entertaining for sure.

  I really wanted to be my blunt self while I had the chance. Deciding to be honest, I told her, “It totally sucked.”

  “Ha. I knew it,” Suzanna breathed out excitedly. “Noah’s a good-looking guy and all, but really, what are you thinking, subjecting yourself to all this when you don’t even have to?” Her arms shot out exaggeratedly encircling the world.

  Slightly defensive but still understanding exactly what she meant, I retorted, “Noah is worth it to me. And besides, it must get easier with time.”

  Seeing her amused expression, I glanced at Miranda who had turned from the window and shook her head softly.

  “Right?” I asked slowly, dreading the answer.

  “Nope, it doesn’t. As a matter of fact, it gets worse and worse. But, I guess if you’re bound and determined to do this to yourself, I’m not going to stop you.” Suzanna took my hands and pulled me toward her before saying, “’Cause, after all, we’re going to have so much fun together.”

  My conscience started to peck at me then. Perhaps Suzanna and I together would equal big-time trouble. This girl was the polar opposite of the obedient Sarah, and she even made moody Rachel seem subdued. But, seeing how thrilled she was, the spark shining in her bright blue eyes, I couldn’t help but succumb to her charms.

  Miranda moved into our bubble and whispered, “Why don’t you invite Rose tonight?”

  Suzanna’s face lit up, and I got the feeling that something significant had just happened. Even though Suzanna may have been happy to invite me to whatever Miranda was talking about, she seemed genuinely grateful that Miranda had been the one to suggest it. Miranda was giving her blessing to Suzanna making me a part of their little gang.

  Suzanna asked with flourish, “Rose, do you want to spend the night at my house after the singing tonight?”

  “Ah, I don’t know. I mean I’d love to and all, but I guess it’s up to Ruth.” Then a thought occurred to me. “So you have slumber parties?”

  Suzanna laughed, “Of course, silly. Miranda comes over the most, but sometimes I’ll have Maretta and Summer, too.”

  Miranda made a little huff noise that got my attention and Suzanna’s. Something hidden passed between the girls. I remembered that Maretta was the friendly girl who’d said the silliest things, but the name Summer was new to me.

  “Who’s Summer?”

  “Oh, trust me, you’re going to like her,” Suzanna assured me before shuffling me out of the bathroom on a mission to find Ruth and ask her permission.

  My mind was racing as we sailed through the crowded kitchen filled with women, children and babies. I couldn’t shake the feeling that hanging out with these two was going to be problematic for me. But I wasn’t ready to toss them aside. I’d need to keep a level head, though, if my instincts were even close to being right.

  Again the eyes were all on me, and I couldn’t help but slow to a leisurely walk when Suzanna put on the brakes. A glance to the side proved my earlier reservations were right on when I saw the group of young men gathered by the side of the house, checking us out as we approached. I really wanted to hurry around the corner and not attract any more attention from the pack of hounds, especially when I judged that Noah wasn’t with them, but Suzanna seemed to be taking extreme pleasure in the interest. Glancing at Miranda, I was shocked to see that she was also moving with purposeful slowness, her hips swaying beneath her dress that seemed a bit tighter than the rest of the frumpy smocks I’d seen so far.

  I couldn’t have been happier to get away from the hungry eyes and back into the shed.

  My stomach growled, and I realized how hungry I was.

  I forgot my stomach pretty quickly when I saw Noah again. He was leaning against the wall, flanked by his two buddies: T
imothy, who I’d personally nicknamed Volleyball-Boy; and Matthew, whom I would probably be calling Bashful in my mind, because of his red, chubby cheeks.

  Noah noticed me at the same second I spotted him, but he didn’t approach. Instead, he raised his eyebrows and nodded his head in acknowledgment. His smirk made me think that he was imagining doing things to me that he shouldn’t be. I continued to watch him over my shoulder, unable to let go of his eyes as Miranda guided me behind Suzanna with her hand on my shoulder.

  “What’s this now?” Ruth said, pulling my attention back to the mission.

  “I was wondering, Mrs. Hershberger, if it would be fine with you for Rose to come over and stay the night at my place?”

  Ruth’s eyes narrowed at me, considering. “Would you like that?”

  Happiness began to spread through me at the amicable tone to Ruth’s voice. “I’d love to. I mean, if it’s okay with you and Mr. Hershberger.”

  Ruth turned to Suzanna, pointing a pudgy finger at her. “It’ll be fine with me, long as you—” she pointed at Miranda “—and you, keep it a quiet and well-behaved evening.”

  “Of course we will.” Suzanna smiled big. Almost too big; I worriedly looked back at Ruth, thinking surely she’d see through the exaggerated smile.

  “All right then, girls,” Ruth added, “Suzanna, if you will be a sweet girl and take Rose under your wing this afternoon, I’d much appreciate it.”

  I was beginning to think that all the adults in my life were clueless.

  Suzanna answered in a honeyed voice, “Of course I will.” Then we were turning and heading back out of the building once again. I looked forlornly at Noah who frowned when he saw that I was leaving so soon.

  I found myself in the kitchen once again, only this time I chatted with Sarah and Katie as we filled water glasses. I felt safer by far with the two of them. They were what I imagined Amish girls should be like—all quiet and obedient. No rebellious thoughts or plans were in their timid minds that was for sure.

  Suzanna and Miranda fell into work with the other girls, putting on their “good girl” disguises again. I couldn’t help but wonder about them. They certainly seemed to have a wild side, but maybe my imagination was getting away with me.

  Then Ella Weaver snaked in front of my vision, coming straight at me. Before I had a chance to turn and pretend I hadn’t seen her, she was on me.

  “Oh, hello again, ah, Rose, right?”

  Ella’s voice was level and well planned. I had no idea what she was up to, but I was bracing myself for pepper spray when I answered her. “Yeah, that’s my name.”

  “Would you please help me carry the water to the tables?” Her voice oozed pleasantness, but I wasn’t fooled. She probably had a knife under her lavender dress ready to slice into me when no one was looking. A girl just didn’t get over losing the opportunity to be with a guy she liked that easily, especially a guy like Noah.

  I hesitated for a few seconds, studying the oval face before me that held a frozen, perfect smile. Blowing out a breath softly, I decided to get it over with.

  “Sure thing.” I picked up the tray and carefully made my way past the other girls, ducking between the few stray moms who were supervising the preparation of lunch.

  I wasn’t surprised when Ella turned left instead of right, taking us around the corner of the house that was well away from the shed and barn. Adrenaline pumped through my veins, making me feel invincible. The smart part of my brain was being pushed back behind the possessive part. I hadn’t figured out how I was going to knock Ella silly without getting caught, but I was ready for a fight.

  Ella didn’t stop until we were behind a large, wild-looking bush that afforded plenty of cover. Then she slowly turned and looked me straight up and down with a grimace on her mouth. Still holding her tray steady, she said, “You look ridiculous.”

  I placed my tray on the grass, rather abruptly, causing several of the glasses to tumble over, spilling their contents. Later I probably would care, but at that moment I could have cared less about it.

  “How can you say that when I’m dressed the same as you?” I hissed.

  Ella’s doe eyes narrowed, but she continued not to flinch with her tray. “Because you are a fraud, and I’m betting that you won’t make a week with us.”

  Just at the second that Ella’s tray was about to be knocked into her chest, Suzanna and Miranda appeared from the foliage.

  “That’s funny, Ella. I think Rose has more than enough incentive to accept our ways,” Suzanna said.

  “You must be kidding,” Ella shot back, but a bit more respectfully than she’d been talking to me.

  “If you really are taking bets, Ella, then I’ll put my money on Rose. I mean, gosh, kissing a guy like Noah would be enough to convert most English girls, I’d reckon,” Miranda said in a soft, yet sly, way.

  The kissing part registered in my mind briefly before I was overcome with admiration for the two girls sticking up for me. If not for them, I’d surely have sent Miss Ella flying, and then Bishop Lambright would have had good reason to kick my butt to the curb.

  Ella’s face turned a deep red, and her hands clenched the tray harder, her knuckles whitening. She said coldly, “We’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?” She let her scrunched-up gaze settle on me and said, “But I’m a patient girl. And I know how this story will end.”

  With that, she swept by me. Glancing at my messed-up tray on the ground, I had to begrudgingly give the bitch some credit. How Ella got though that whole soap opera scene without spilling a drop of water was a mystery to me.

  “Rose, I thought you had more sense than to follow that girl into a secluded place,” Suzanna said with hands on her hips. She was playing at a disappointed mama, but the twitching at the corner of her lips told me she was actually quite amused.

  “I just wanted to get it out in the open, that’s all,” I said as I knelt to pick up the cups. Miranda joined me in a flash while Suzanna knelt, too, but instead of helping, she looked around for spies and said, “So you knew that Ella Weaver hates your guts?”

  “Ah, yeah, she made that pretty clear the first day,” I said, getting ready to stand with what was left of the contents of my tray when Suzanna’s hand whipped out and held me down.

  “It’s because she’s in love with Noah,” Suzanna whispered while Miranda stood up acting the bodyguard.

  “I didn’t think that reptiles were capable of love,” I said in a serious tone.

  Suzanna erupted in a giggle, then quieted. “Seriously, you need to watch out for her. Ella is going to be looking for ways to make sure that you aren’t accepted into the church.”

  Miranda glanced down and nodded solemnly, backing up Suzanna’s words. It was strange that this girl whom I’d just met that morning was dishing out advice and I had been willing to pay attention to her. She had a very odd quality about her that I couldn’t figure out. Suzanna’s concerned eyes were sincere, though. I felt certain of that.

  “I’ll be careful.”

  “Come on, we need to get back,” Miranda urged us as we stood up. Suzanna took my tray and led the way, giving me a chance to brush the leaves from my skirt.

  By the time we arrived in the building with the refilled water glasses, all the adults were seated and eating. There weren’t enough tables for the young people who had lined up neatly along the walls, girls on one side and boys on the other.

  I ended up standing between Suzanna and Maretta, hoping that my rumbling belly wasn’t noticeable. Surprisingly, instead of the yummy spread I was expecting, it appeared the midday fare was plain sandwiches.

  “Are those peanut butter and jelly?” I whispered into Suzanna’s ear.

  “Just peanut butter—sometimes we have bologna,” she chirped back into my ear.

  The crowd was more relaxed than before the service. The conversations were certainly not boisterous, but there was a drone of voices filling the space. Looking around the room, I was surprised that couples were eating
together. Bishop Lambright, Mervin and Amos were at the same table with their wives. Ruth was beside Martha, acting as friendly as could be, along with Rebecca, who was conversing with some of the women I’d met earlier. I remembered Ruth’s warning from a few days ago and took the opportunity to study Martha without being caught. She was giggling like a schoolgirl, certainly not sending off any spray of evilness. Still, I would take Ruth’s advice seriously and keep an eye on the woman.

  Noah was positioned between Matthew and Timothy again. He stood solemnly against the wall, and I could only see him if I craned my neck his way. When I did, he was watching me. I could tell that he was thinking some deep thoughts. He did smile at me, but again, his expression was frustrated.

  I felt it, too. The tightness in my chest made me catch my breath. I wanted so badly to be close to Noah. My body felt as if it was drowning, and he was air that it needed to live. When my eyes touched his again, my heart slowed and I knew in that instant that he felt the same way. He blew out his own breath of longing, and the invisible string that held us together sprang tightly between us.

  The idea that I would hardly ever get to talk to him was too terrible to consider. If I thought too much about it, I’d go nuts. I turned away from Noah, not being able to stand the torture of looking at him while being unable to go to him. I tried to focus on an evening with the girls and not the fact that I’d much rather be hugging and kissing Noah in the barn loft. Blushing, I couldn’t stop myself from stretching my neck again to see him. There was a mischievous grin on his lips now.

  Could he read my mind, or what? A different kind of tingling rolled up my arms, and I shifted my gaze around the room to locate the source. It wasn’t difficult to spot Levi. He stood in the far corner, and when my gaze reached across the room to him, he smirked back at me. I quickly looked away while my belly did a somersault. My mind registered shock at what I saw, and to make sure that I wasn’t hallucinating, I glanced back again and met Ella’s stare.

  The girl, who would forever be a thorn in my backside, was standing beside Levi against the opposite wall. She was at the end of a line of girls, and he was at the beginning of several boys. To anyone else, their positions would appear to be a random thing. But I wasn’t fooled. The way they were each turned slightly toward each other and the similar obnoxious twists of their lips gave me the heads-up that they’d been whispering to one another.