Belonging

by Karen Ann Hopkins

  Maybe of us all, Miranda was the only one who was joining up for reasons other than to begin courting. The thought sobered me.

  The bishop stopped before me, and jarring me to attention, he asked, “And what does humility mean to you, Rose?”

  I had to quickly process his words and wake myself up at the same time. Everyone was staring at me, including Amos Miller and the other ministers who were seated in the corner.

  Clearing my throat, I looked back at Bishop Lambright and said, “To be modest...and accept that you’re not perfect.”

  The bishop smiled slightly and slowly nodded his head. “That’s close enough.” He paused and looked at each of the boys and girls in turn before he said, “Always remember that being humble is our way.”

  He motioned for us to stand. The boys took their places behind the ministers, and Maretta led the girls to the end of the line. I managed to stand, but my legs were shaky. I took a gulp of air as a thousand thoughts shot through my mind. Images of Dad, Sam and Justin loomed in front of me. The distant sound of remembered music haunted my ears, and I saw myself dancing, rising up into a pirouette and then leaping across the dance floor. The rumble of a car’s engine coming to life as I turned the key, making my heart race in excitement, along with flashes of my former friends and the places we used to hang out at clouded my vision. It was all about to be lost forever. As I crossed through the doorway into the large room, I heard the somber voices of the entire congregation as they sang a hymn. I crowded in closer to Suzanna’s back, trying not to look at the expectant faces that turned to watch as we walked past. Before I took my seat on the bench, I glanced over my shoulder. My breath caught in my throat when I spotted Noah.

  In the instant that our eyes met, he smiled, calming my heart and mind.

  When he was within reach, there was only one way to go—only one way that I wanted to go. My desire to spend my life with the young Amish man with whom I’d fallen in love months ago was stronger than all the worry and doubts combined. To be with Noah was worth leaving my world and joining his. As long as he was with me, I could survive anything.

  A sense of surety filled me that hadn’t been there before, and I was breathing easily again.

  When the bishop began speaking, it was in the Amish language. The entire scene was like a fog in my mind, and the only solid being was Noah. I could feel his dark eyes on my back, and that sensation kept me from bolting out the door.

  There was a murmur of voices behind me before the bishop began moving down our line. As he went, he poured the water in the ladle onto the heads of each of the boys. Seeing Suzanna remove her cap, I followed suit, along with Miranda. When the cold water trickled through my hair to touch my scalp, I swallowed hard.

  The bishop’s words were distant and foreign, but the feel of the water was all too real.

  My heart skipped and a cool sweat broke out on my skin.

  I thought to myself, What have I done?

  * * *

  My eyes snapped open when I felt the jab in my side. I was back in the metal-sided building, sitting on the rock-hard bench between Suzanna and Miranda. I blinked a few times, seeing that the service was over. I must have zoned out completely.

  I rose from the bench slowly, my body feeling as numb as my mind. I couldn’t help thinking how not happy Dad would be to learn that I’d joined the “cult,” as he so eloquently had put it. The fact that I’d kind of fibbed to Mr. Miller when I’d told him that Dad was okay with it was on my mind, too. At some point it would probably come back to bite me on the butt. For now, though, I had to go with the flow—I had no choice.

  “I’m so happy for you, Rose.” Rebecca gave me her usual bear hug with Sarah and Rachel smiling brightly on either side of her.

  “Thanks,” I murmured.

  Then it was Ruth’s turn to congratulate me, with a more reserved squeeze, but her eyes were misty.

  Sarah sidled up alongside me, politely pushing the adults away. “You didn’t understand the announcement, did you?” she said, grinning from ear to ear.

  “Ah, I didn’t understand any of it, except the part where the bishop sprinkled the water on my head,” I replied, suddenly bothered with myself for not picking up any of the Amish language by that time.

  She leaned in close to my face after grasping my fingers and said excitedly but still in a whisper, “Abram announced that you and Noah are a courting couple.”

  “Really?” After my mouth dropped, I closed it again quickly.

  “Yeah,” Sarah confirmed. That’s when I noticed Noah standing a few people behind her, with a smile rising on his handsome face.

  I smiled back, momentarily forgetting the turmoil of the past few hours. Right there was the reason for everything. My love for Noah and willingness to do whatever it took to be with him couldn’t be a bad thing.

  Noah waited patiently behind several of the women who went out of their way to tell me how pleased they were to have me as a member of their community. I was half distracted watching Noah out of the corner of my eye, but I tried not to be rude, thanking each woman in turn.

  Was Noah really going to talk to me?

  I’d become accustomed to the silent treatment, having to rely on my instincts and his flirty looks to know that he still wanted me. Now that I was a member of the church and our courtship was announced to the congregation, were things going to be different?

  Seeing Noah stroll casually toward me, my heart skipped and my tummy got tight. Just before he arrived, Katie stepped in front of him. She gave me a quick hug and said, “Now we’re going to be sisters.” She chatted with me for a minute longer, and while she talked, through the sea of beards and caps, I caught sight of a furious stare—Ella Weaver. When our gazes touched, she spun away in a flash.

  Until Noah and I were officially married, that girl would continue to give me trouble—I just knew it.

  When Katie moved on, Noah wasn’t taking any more chances of me being caught by someone else. He stepped forward until he was only a few inches away.

  Before he spoke his eyes swept over me. The mischievous smile that sprang to his face told me he liked what he saw, even though it was packaged in a figure-hiding hunter-green dress.

  “Hey there, beautiful,” he said softly, sending a pleasant warmth through me.

  “Hi, yourself.” I fidgeted in place, not sure what I should do or say. I felt as if all the eyes in the building were on us, but when I glanced around, they weren’t—just my paranoid mind working overtime.

  “I’m very proud of you,” Noah continued in a quiet tone as his hands fidgeted in front of him. He was nervous, too. Or maybe he was just itching to grab me and start kissing, the way I wanted him to do.

  “Why?” I asked, kind of already knowing the answer.

  His eyes flicked up as if he was flabbergasted with me.

  “Because you did it—you kept your head on straight and survived the last couple of months. Now we’re finally together.”

  “Aw, this doesn’t exactly feel like we’re together,” I chided, but underneath it all, I was frustrated.

  “It’ll get better. I promise.” His eyes held mine, not letting go, and the tingle of anticipation ran over my skin.

  Yeah, everything was all right.

  * * *

  Just as I was about to leave, Miranda pulled me back. Her face told me she wanted to talk. We waited as a stampede of young people evacuated the Bontragers’ building.

  When all the kids were gone and only a few middle-aged women and old men hung about, Miranda stepped closer.

  In a coarse whisper, she said, “Do you know what happened to Levi?”

  The mention of his name sent a chill through me, and the evening light seemed to dim. I hated thinking about the guy, let alone talking about him. Now that he was in trouble with the Amish authority, I hoped that life would be easier for Miranda.

  Things sure hadn’t worked out the way I’d originally planned, but possibly it was all for the better. If I’d th
reatened Levi with the video, he probably would have tackled me and Summer for the evidence. I’d underestimated just how violent he was. Noah bursting in on the scene had ended up saving the day, and now the Elders knew firsthand what a creep Levi was. Hopefully, that bit of knowledge protected Miranda from her brother’s manipulations forever.

  “I knew he was going to get punished, but I haven’t heard a thing,” I whispered back to her.

  Miranda surveyed the room and then brought her dark eyes—almost the same black as her evil brother’s—back to mine. “He’s been sent away.”

  “Where to?” I asked as my heart pattered faster. I had secretly worried about what the psycho would do to me when he got his Get-of-Jail-Card.

  “To the same place I went to.” She paused to glance around again. “Da and Ma argued about it late into that first night. But in the end, Da won out and Levi made the trip when the sun came up the next morning.”

  “How long will he be there?” It had worked out better than I ever could have dreamed. I breathed easier, my heart calming.

  “Don’t know for sure, but I reckon it’ll be for a long while.” Her voice became freer as she spoke.

  I thought Miranda seemed happy, but since I didn’t know her well, I wanted to make sure that everything that Summer and I had done had served its purpose.

  “And how do you feel about that?” I said the words slowly.

  Miranda took my hands between her cool ones, her deep eyes widening. “Oh, Rose, thank you.” I began to correct her, but she shook her head, “I don’t want to know the details, but I’ll always owe you one for getting Levi out of my life. Even now, if he does come home someday, everyone won’t believe him so surely—and it’s all because of you.”

  A quiet thrill spread through me. I’d wanted to help Miranda and give Levi some justice, and it seemed that I got a package deal. The happy look on Miranda’s sunny face was well worth the risk. Somehow, I’d have to get a message to Summer. She needed to know that her sacrifice wasn’t in vain.

  “I’m glad that you’re okay now,” I told Miranda, hoping deep down that she could get over whatever crap her sick brother had done.

  “Oh, I’m more than okay. And you remember, if you ever need help, I’m there for you.”

  I nodded my head once, fearing a release of tears was imminent. Miranda motioned to the door, and we walked out into the chilled autumn air. The wind had picked up, and leaves were sprinkling down from the maple trees along the drive. I held my face up into the brisk air, enjoying the static energy around me.

  Before we reached the nets and all the dark-clad bodies around them, a voice behind me nearly made me jump out of my skin.

  “Are you ready to go?” Noah asked.

  I turned to see him grinning broadly at me.

  I’m sure I stopped breathing altogether. “Are you kidding me?” I squealed.

  “Shh, don’t get too excited or they’ll send a chaperone with us.” Without touching me, Noah put his hand behind me and pushed the air into my back to get me moving.

  I glanced at Miranda, who smiled and said, “Have a good time.” Then she turned and jogged across the yard in springy strides. She was going to be all right.

  A gust of air threatened to take off the black bonnet that covered my cap, and I held it on with one hand while I clutched the front of my coat closed with the other.

  Noah was walking in long, ground-covering strides, eager to get to his horse and buggy. I had to nearly run to keep up, and I managed just fine thanks to the adrenaline pumping through my veins.

  Noah already had Oscar hitched up and ready to go. All he had to do was untie the horse from the rail. Before I climbed in, he hurried back and held out his hand to help me. I was shocked and looked around to see if anyone was paying any attention to us.

  “It’s all right.” Noah’s voice sounded different, as if he was all grown up and feeling sure of himself. Sam used that tone sometimes, and it always bugged me, because it didn’t seem totally honest. But with Noah, it sounded extremely sexy.

  The touch of his warm hand sent tingles into my fingers, and amazingly even that little contact made my whole belly warm. Whose insane idea was it to allow us to be alone together? I wondered as I seated myself beside Noah for the first time since he’d dropped me off at the Hershbergers’ months ago.

  He snapped the reins and sent the buggy over the driveway faster than I was used to. Mr. Hershberger took his dear sweet time when he was driving. Noah’s urgency to get away from the community—and be alone with me—was thick in the crisp air.

  I studied the side of his face as we journeyed along the road at an extended trot, the clip-clops of the horse’s hooves striking the air as loud as gunshots. His chin and cheeks held some stubble that I hadn’t noticed earlier, and the stiff hairs fascinated me.

  “Now, don’t you go doing that.” Noah smiled, meeting my gaze for a second before turning back to the road.

  “I’m not doing anything,” I defended myself playfully.

  “Looking at me all sexylike, that’s what.”

  He was flirting with me, and I loved it.

  “Where exactly are we going?” I asked, putting my hand on his thigh to really throw him off.

  He sighed in acceptance, and I grinned to myself. I had him just where I wanted.

  “We’re going to your place to hang out.” Too fast for me to know it was coming, his hand was free of the reins and holding mine. He brought it to his lips and kissed it gently, and slowly, as if he was savoring every moment.

  “What are we going to do there?” I purred, wanting him to feel the same crazy stirrings inside that I did.

  Noah slowed the buggy to make the turn, leaving my hand alone for just an instant before he had it back resting warmly in his.

  “We need to talk about how this is going to go so we don’t get into trouble.” He sounded more serious, the adult voice creeping in. I didn’t know if it was the words or the tone that prickled me.

  “More rules?” I sighed dramatically.

  “Don’t go getting all moody on me. It’s just that there are some things we’re going to have to be careful not to do.”

  When he saw me roll my eyes, he asked, “Didn’t Ruth talk to you about this courting business?”

  Actually she had. I knew what he was about to tell me, and I wasn’t a happy camper that he was really going to try to live up to the ridiculous standards that the Amish tried to enforce. It was no wonder that when they finally did get hitched they were popping out babies left and right.

  Noah had waited long enough, and squeezing my hand tightly, he asked again, “Well?”

  I stared ahead, focusing on a tumble of leaves making their frenzied way across the road.

  “She said that we were a hands-off courting community.”

  “Yes, that’s right. And do you understand what that means?” Noah coaxed, loosening his grip on my poor hand.

  I looked back at him and couldn’t keep the pitch out of my voice. “You’ve got to be kidding—right?”

  Infuriatingly, he laughed at me, kissing my hand with an open mouth that sent the warm fuzzies through me once again. I would probably faint straight away if he kissed me on more delicate parts of my body.

  “Don’t worry—I don’t intend to go months without touching you. You can be sure of that.”

  I felt lighter and happier at once.

  The feeling didn’t last long when he went on to say, “But we have to be extra careful around others in the community. Do you know why?”

  I thought it was a dumb question, but I didn’t say so. “Ah, so we don’t get into trouble and have our courtship rescinded.”

  “I don’t know about that last word, but we aren’t only being careful to avoid punishment.” Noah took his eyes off the road longer than I would have liked to make a definite point. “If we’re really good, then my parents and the Hershbergers will allow us more freedom together, which is what we want—right?”

  W
e were almost to the driveway, and I became very brave. “Of course—but just how strict are you going to be?” I pushed into him with the side of my body and kissed his neck.

  I didn’t get the reaction I was hoping for when he groaned in an angry way.

  “What?” I asked, worried that the gorgeous man beside me was becoming a prude.

  He sighed loudly. “It’s your brother behind us.”

  “No way.” I swiveled on the seat to search out the little window in the back. I could see the green truck—and Sam’s bushy head.

  “Darn, he has awful timing,” I mumbled.

  “He’s following us up to your house. I wonder what he wants,” he growled.

  My doubts at the morning’s ceremony hit me again and nervousness took hold of my body. Sam could read me like an open book—how was I going to keep it from him that it was official now?

  I was Amish.

  Noah didn’t say another word as he drove the horse back to the barn. He continued to watch his side-view mirror, though, frowning the entire time.

  Sam stayed as close as our shadow until we were parked. Noah was so disturbed about the appearance of my brother that he jumped down and began unhitching the horse, leaving me to make my own way down. He had forgotten me, but before I crept completely out of the buggy, he came back and held my hand as my first foot hit the gravel. Once I was out he went back to the horse, maybe hoping that if he ignored Sam, my brother would disappear.

  “How’s it going, little sister?” Sam strolled up and made himself comfortable, leaning against the buggy. The smirk on his face as his eyes swept over my dress bugged the crap out of me, but I ignored his about-to-laugh look and appraised him.

  He was wearing a sweatshirt that I hadn’t seen before with his school’s logo on it—a blue roaring panther. He also had on new Reeboks. God, I was jealous.

  I crossed my arms in front of me, preparing to do battle.