Belonging

by Karen Ann Hopkins

  I was happy that little Josh was there to give me some entertainment, and I cooed and stared at him—until Ruth got the wild hair to hand him over to me. I actually leaned away, shaking my head, but probably thinking that any young woman would love to hold a baby, she shoved him at me.

  He was adorable and smelled really nice, like fabric sheets. Still, sitting in the middle of a bunch of stone-silent, not-so-humorous people, I tingled with the fear that he would begin fussing.

  Since I was so focused on the baby, I hadn’t noticed the change of guard. Now Marcus Bontrager was center stage. He was reading scriptures from the Bible, and I wasn’t benefiting at all from his foreign words so I continued to give my attention to the baby, who had woken Suzanna from her trance. She was now fidgeting with the blanket around his face and making silent O’s to him.

  I should have received an award for making it all the way to the sermon before having to pass Joshua back off to Ruth.

  Once the baby began making hunger gurgles, Ruth quickly unloaded the baby to Emilene, who shuffled out the door with him. She was probably going into the house to nurse him. When she left, one of the sisters-in-law followed her out the door holding a similar bundle that must have been little Jacob.

  For the next hour or so Bishop Lambright talked, and talked...and talked. I found myself thinking about the bones in my butt that I never even knew existed before joining the Amish. The three-hour-long services hadn’t gotten any easier for me; if anything, my stamina seemed to be faltering sooner.

  After nearly an hour or so of the bishop’s foreign ramblings, all the servers came parading into the building single file—the group of thirty-plus young people filed into the vacant seats behind the family, freakishly quiet for such a large group. The guys and girls sat together in this instance, every other person an opposite sex. That part interested me, but I didn’t perk up significantly until there was a pause when Jacob and Katie rose from their seats and stood before the bishop. They faced each other, and I sat up straighter, peering around the bonnets in front of me to see.

  The bishop would say a few words, and either Katie or Jacob would each in turn answer with what I assumed was a yes or “I do.” The whole exchange of vows only lasted a few minutes, and I thought to myself that all the boring hoopla at the beginning should be eliminated entirely.

  A depressing heaviness brought my shoulder down, and I sighed at the sight of Katie. She held no flowers and wore no special adornments. She was a beautiful girl, and I imagined her in a long, flowing white gown, her hair raised high in an elaborate bun with sparkling jewels holding the strands in place.

  Closing my eyes, I envisioned a brightly lit church with sunflowers and ribbons lining each side of the aisle. There were bridesmaids waiting at the front of the pews dressed in jade-green knee-length dresses. Each girl, and there were several of them, held a bouquet of wildflowers, the purple-and-gold blooms blending together to create individual warm glows in their hands. The flower girl stood closest to the radiant bride, peeking out from behind the wedding gown. The little girl’s dress was a mirror image of the bride’s gown, except for the green sash around her waist and the puffed-out shorter skirt.

  The groom in the vision turned to look back, and I saw him clearly: it was Noah. My wedding—the vision was what I’d fantasized my own dream wedding would be like since the time I was ten years old.

  Popping my eyes open, the harsh grayness of the room and the darkness of everyone in attendance shocked my eyes. It was as if someone had dimmed the lights, and I searched the faces to see the joyous happiness that I imagined every wedding guest should hold.

  They didn’t look unhappy, but the whole event was so reserved that it didn’t feel as if a wedding was taking place. And this is what my wedding will be like. My heart sank another notch as the next song began. Wrapped up in my selfish longings, I didn’t attempt to sing this time.

  A wedding day was supposed to be extra-special for a girl—and now that anticipation was gone for me.

  My positive-thinking mind tried to push the darkness away by sending me thoughts of Noah and his arms around me, protecting me and holding me close. It was okay to give up a normal wedding to be with the guy you loved. I just had to keep reminding myself of that.

  When the service finally ended, the wedding party filed out first, followed by the close family members. The servers and then the rest of us left the building last. Everyone was orderly and quiet, and I fell into the line with the rest of them, remaining silent.

  The quiet, distant emotions of the entire crowd seemed to lift instantly as each person crossed the threshold into the cold, crisp air. Even my heart felt lighter as the wind smacked me in the face, chasing away the grogginess that I’d felt for the previous couple of hours.

  Suzanna left me to join her family, and I stayed close to Ruth as we met up with James and left the building. I gazed up at the sky and was thankful to see shards of sunlight slicing through the clouds and landing on the farm. I figured it was a good omen to have the sun make an appearance on the wedding day, and I was glad for Katie and Jacob that it graced the ceremony.

  It was still freezing, though, and I hugged my jacket tightly around me as we headed to the reception building. The short distance took longer to cover than it should have, because of Ruth’s conversations with the many women we bumped into on the short walk. Ruth introduced me to each woman in a proud mamma way, calling me her new daughter. I had to admit that everyone was friendly, making me feel more at home.

  When we entered the reception hall, the warm air and delicious smells slammed into me, and I couldn’t help but smile. This was more like it, I thought, when I saw the people in the room displaying more liveliness than they had all morning. The air that had felt cold and bleak earlier was pushed aside to be replaced with the aura of goodwill. The feeling seeped into my skin, erasing the lingering melancholy.

  I continued in Ruth’s shadow as we moved around the room, until we found the section of one of the long tables with our names at the place settings. It was nice to sit in a chair, and I sipped my water as my eyes darted around the room, taking in the more boisterous side of the Amish.

  When most of the people were seated, my gaze rested on Noah. He’d been waiting for me to look his way, and when I did, he flashed me the biggest smile; it lit up his whole face, sending an explosion of spastic butterflies careening through my belly.

  Would it always be like that when he looked at me?

  I smiled back, lifting my water glass to him. His smile turned to a mischievous grin as he raised his to mine. I caught Ella’s smile turn to a tight frown for an instant when she saw Noah’s and my interchange. Surely, if she complained about us toasting each other, we wouldn’t get in trouble. But then, doubt crept in, and I reluctantly turned away from Noah to avoid any problems.

  I spotted Suzanna sitting with her family a table away, and she smiled when she saw me looking. Maretta grinned happily when she met my eyes, and Miranda, who sat almost directly across from me at the next table, also smiled warmly and winked before continuing her conversation with the woman at her side.

  The Millers were seated along with the Weaver family at the table closest to the wedding party. Isaac waved to me when my eyes passed over him, and I returned the gesture. Noah’s little brothers had accepted me into their fold, but I found it difficult to be around them since they reminded me of Justin, which made me feel guilty.

  Very quickly for such a large group, there were servers appearing with trays of food. I was lucky to have Sarah working at our table, and she spared a second to bend down and ask me how I enjoyed the ceremony. There was a spritz of sarcasm, and I knew she was teasing me. I told her I survived it, and she laughed as she placed a plump piece of white meat on my plate.

  Then a procession of servers arrived with mashed potatoes, followed by creamed corn, salads and bread. I was careful not to touch my food, knowing that there would be a moment of silence before we could dig in. The workers did
their jobs well, and in less than ten minutes everyone had full plates. The bishop led the silent prayer before releasing us to stuff ourselves.

  I was in my own little world, eating my scrumptious food and trying not to look at Noah, when Ruth nudged me. The women across from my seat had asked me a question, but I’d missed it.

  “Excuse me?” I stammered.

  “Ruth tells me that you are new to the Amish. Are you settling into their ways?” the woman said in a smooth voice.

  Before answering, I quickly ran my eyes over her. I noticed for the first time that she was dressed differently than the other woman; she had a very small lacy cloth on the top of her head that rested against her bun. Amazingly, her dress was bright and yellow. I guessed her to be in her thirties, and the two little girls on the chairs beside her to be maybe six and ten. They were also wearing plain but bright yellow dresses.

  I found my voice, “I’m doing well, thank you.”

  My interest was pricked, but the sharp way the woman stared at me made me feel a little vulnerable. I instinctively didn’t want to give up too much information.

  “I’m Cynthia Webber. And these are my daughters, Lilith and Shannon.” She motioned over to the wedding party table, saying, “Katie and I are first cousins.”

  “It’s nice to meet you.” I reached across the table, and she quickly took my hand and gave it a light shake.

  I couldn’t keep my curiosity down, and before Ruth could start talking about something else, I popped out, “If you don’t mind me asking, are you Amish?”

  She laughed a little, but not in a mean way, and said, “No, I’m Mennonite. But I was born Amish.”

  Cynthia’s slender, hawkish face waited for my response.

  “How did that happen?” I blurted out.

  “Really, Rose...” Ruth began to chastise me, but Cynthia was quick and interrupted.

  “It’s perfectly fine with me for the girl to ask some questions. I’d imagine she has many of them skipping around in that pretty head of hers.”

  Yes, I did, but something about the woman’s overly helpful demeanor made me decide to hold back next time.

  “You see, before I joined my community’s church, I decided that the Amish life didn’t suit me well. I went to live with an aunt who was Mennonite. I met my husband there.” She nodded at the nice-looking blond man on the other side of the youngest girl. “And the rest is history.”

  “And your family was okay with that?” I couldn’t help but feel astonished.

  “Not at first they weren’t, but since I hadn’t officially joined the church yet, they didn’t shun me.” When she said the word shun, she glanced over at Ruth, and I felt the air tingle with discomfort. That word seemed to be the Amish equivalent to an offensive word.

  Ruth jumped in at that point and changed the subject, to what I didn’t know, because she was speaking her indecipherable language.

  Cynthia’s eyes met mine, and I knew that she wanted to talk further; why I couldn’t say, but she definitely had things on her mind.

  As the conversation turned into the foreign language, I zoned the voices out and munched on my fat slice of homemade bread. Now that my eyes knew what to look for, I surveyed the room for other Mennonite people.

  Sure enough, there was another family wearing the same little cloths on their heads and sporting green dresses that looked as if they came out of a Goodwill store from the sixties. I also noticed several groups of Amish people who were dressed differently than the Amish from my community. They were wearing larger black bonnets, and the fronts of their dresses had white triangles of material attached to them. There were even a few English people sequestered in the corner that I hadn’t noticed before.

  By the time I was done doing the CIA thing, the pies had arrived. I picked a piece of chocolate mousse and a slice of lemon off of the tray. Cynthia’s daughters’ eyes widened when they saw me shoveling two slices onto my plate, but I didn’t care. This was the best part of the day, and I was going to enjoy it to the fullest.

  Before I’d finished the last bit of the chocolate, the back of my neck heated, and I knew without looking that Noah was watching me. I tried to resist turning, but within seconds I did look, and his gaze sent shivers through me. I must have blushed because Cynthia had noticed, and she was talking to me again.

  “Is that your boyfriend?” she pointed her strong chin toward Noah.

  This time I looked at Ruth, who nodded that it was okay for me to speak. Really, the idea that I gave a flip about what Ruth thought proved that I liked the old woman and valued her opinion.

  “Yeah, that’s my guy.”

  She smiled, but the spread of her lips did not reach her eyes, and I wondered why she was so interested in my life, anyway.

  As the wedding guests finished their meals, they stood in line to give Jacob and Katie their congratulations. Ruth hung back, enjoying her talk with the woman to her right. Mr. Hershberger was deep in conversation with the woman’s husband, and I began to reach for the last wedge of bread in the basket when the squeeze of my shoulder made me forget about it.

  “Hey, do you want to go see the wedding gifts?” Miranda whispered in my ear.

  Oh, God, thank you, I said in my mind at the opportunity to do something other than listen to old people speak a language I didn’t understand.

  When I softly poked Ruth’s mushy side and asked her if I could go, she tilted her head and looked for Noah first before she said, “Don’t be getting into any mischief, Rose. Spending any time with Noah is still off-limits.”

  A prickling of anger shot through me, but I controlled the feelings and nodded obediently. Before I was away from the table, I caught Cynthia’s gaze on me again, and I looked quickly away, not wanting to deal with whatever problem she had.

  I did spare a glance at Noah before I walked through the door, but he was speaking intently with an Amish guy who appeared a few years older than him. I didn’t recognize the man and figured he was another one of the dozens of cousins. I felt jealousy surge through me that the man had Noah’s undivided attention.

  We were hardly through the door when Suzanna joined us, falling in on my other side. The sun was buttery in the afternoon sky, but the clouds seemed reluctant to leave entirely. The sprinkles of light were deceiving as the wind still pushed the crisp air steadily against me.

  I started to wonder about the brilliance of heading down to the tent that housed the tables full of presents for the bride and groom. I could see the canvas popping in and out from the wind and knew that the interior would be downright cold.

  Still, I was happy to get away from all the strange people in the crowded building and followed the girls down the hill with more energy than I’d felt all day.

  When we went through the flaps that were tied open with thick cords of rope, it took only a second for me to realize that we weren’t alone in the tent. Just beyond the tables that were piled high with mounds of presents were four teenage guys who looked Amish but were different. My mind quickly decided that they were with one of the groups of overdressed Amish I saw in the reception building. Their hats sat higher on their heads and their jackets appeared shorter. But their appearances weren’t the thing that set them aside from my Amish the most.

  With shock, I watched as the one boy took a drag from a cigarette.

  Instead of beelining it straight out of there, Miranda moved toward the boys with purpose. My head snapped to Suzanna, who shrugged and hid the weak smile on her lips with her hand.

  Oh, no, I was going to get into trouble again, I thought as we passed the colorfully wrapped presents. The sight of a chain saw with a bow caught the attention of my disturbed brain. That was not a wedding gift I’d ever heard of before.

  We stopped a few steps from the little guy group and the smell of tobacco drifted through the air to me. It wasn’t a smell I liked, and I wrinkled my nose.

  Miranda began talking to the guys in German, and by the way the conversation was going, they all seeme
d to be well acquainted. The boy I’d first noticed smoking moved closer to Miranda, and my mind registered that she leaned in to him.

  Oh, crap. This is growing worse by the minute.

  Suddenly the words were English, and I took a good look at the guys who were now addressing me. They were all smoking, which showed they were an equally ignorant bunch. Two of them looked enough alike to be brothers, both with longer, messier hair than I was used to seeing on Amish guys’ heads. One of them was blond with light eyes, and the other was darker, and he didn’t raise his head to the three of us at all.

  “Yeah, I like being Amish,” I answered the question coming from the blond guy.

  I didn’t appreciate the way they were looking at me. I just wanted to get out of there, and I decided that this was my opportunity to take a stand against peer pressure and save my butt from further punishment. Even though these guys seemed comfortable with their cigarettes hanging out of their mouths, I knew Bishop Lambright would have a conniption if he learned that we were hanging with rebels like them. Not to mention what Noah would say.

  “You girls want a sip of something sweet?” The blond one pulled a small bottle of Jack Daniels halfway from his oversized stash pocket.

  They had booze?

  Moving forward, I grabbed Miranda’s arm.

  “We have to go now,” I said rudely, pulling Miranda up beside me. Suzanna joined us, moving as swiftly as I was.

  I could hear the boys laugh behind us and say something I couldn’t understand, which caused Suzanna to return their comment over her shoulder without slowing down. Miranda was moving freely with me, but I wasn’t going to give her the opportunity to change her mind, so I kept my hand clenched tightly on her arm.

  Once outside, I sighed heavily and asked Miranda, “What was that all about?”

  Miranda looked everywhere but at my face. Then she began walking slowly back up the hill. Her silence held for a few more steps, and then she said, “Levi used to hang out with those guys sometimes. Jordan was always nice to me, so I thought I’d go say hi to him. I didn’t want to go alone.”