Belonging

by Karen Ann Hopkins

  Instead of going back into the reception building, Miranda veered to the left, taking us to the buggy shed. Once we were out of the bitter wind, she leaned against the inside wall. She obviously wanted to talk, but didn’t know how to get started.

  I turned to Suzanna and snapped, “Did you know what she was up to?”

  “Yeah...I thought it would be fun to talk to some other guys for a change,” Suzanna said, not meeting my gaze.

  I had to close my mouth that had dropped open. “But what about Timothy?”

  Her head bolted up, and she said firmly, “It isn’t like that at all. I was just supporting Miranda....” She thrust both her hands toward the other girl. “She finally found a guy she likes. Unfortunately, he’s from the Rocky Ridge community. But, hey, for Mira to have any interest in a guy after all the stuff with Levi is an improvement.”

  Okay, that made sense. I crossed over to Miranda, stepping over the shafts of the two buggies parked in the shed.

  “Do you really like that guy?”

  She shrugged, and when her eyes reached mine I knew that she didn’t at all.

  “What about Matthew? I kind of got the impression that you were sweet on him. Now that you’re a member of the church, you two can begin courting.” I said it quietly and slowly, not wanting to upset her with the wrong words.

  She stared off into space, saying, “I do like him, but I don’t think I’m good enough for him.”

  What she said stung my mind. I felt a renewed fury toward Levi, hoping that he never came back.

  I closed the distance and took her hands in mine. “Now you listen to me, Miranda. You are absolutely worthy of Matthew. And I can tell by the way he looks at you that he has a huge crush. He’s just too shy to do anything about it,” I said, putting my arm around her.

  She leaned her head on my shoulder and whispered so low that I wasn’t sure if Suzanna could hear her. “It’s just that I’m not a clean person and he’ll know.” She pulled away and frantically searched my eyes. “He’ll know, everybody will know.”

  I understood. Thinking through all my late-night conversations with Amanda and Brittany in the course of a few heartbeats, I looked into Miranda’s dark eyes that seemed even more startling against her pale white skin than usual. When I started speaking I felt pretty confident that what I was saying was true.

  “You’re wrong about that. If you keep it a secret, he won’t ever be the wiser. Levi will never talk, and Suzanna, Summer and I will go to our graves with it. You need to forget about the past and move on. Be happy, Miranda. You deserve it.”

  “You know this for sure?” Miranda was loosening up a bit, and I started to relax.

  “Yes—especially an inexperienced guy like Matthew. He’ll never know,” I said confidently.

  She began nodding her head and then wiped a tear from her eye. Standing up straighter, she gave me a hug. When she released me, she said, “You saved me again. I’m going to owe you a bunch of favors, you know.”

  “Just being my friend is enough.” Seeing her doubt, I said, “I mean it. Now, come on, let’s get back to the party. Maybe there’s some pie left.”

  Miranda giggled, and Suzanna said, “Good Lord, you eat like a horse.”

  I could hardly argue with her about it, so I didn’t. We hiked across the yard in silence, not needing any more words between us—our shoulders occasionally brushing at our close proximity was enough for all of us.

  The front of the reception building was crowded with people, and Suzanna took the lead squeezing through the bodies to reach the door. Before I made it through the opening behind Miranda, a light grasp on my arm pulled me up.

  I turned to see Cynthia staring at me. Most of her banana-yellow dress was covered by a dark coat, and she was alone.

  “Do you need something?” I asked, trying not to sound too bothered.

  She pulled me to the side, away from the press of the crowd. I willingly followed her, believing that with so many people nearby, she wouldn’t do anything drastic.

  And I was intrigued, in a dark way.

  “Rose, I just wanted to share some advice that might help you get through this experience easier. You see, when I told you earlier that my family let me leave, it wasn’t as simple as all that.” She sighed and shivered, and I didn’t know if it was the cutting air or the memories that affected her body. “My family didn’t speak to me for seven years. Not until Shannon was born. The Amish are very stubborn people, and they will completely turn away from children who go astray. It wasn’t as bad for me since I wasn’t breaking an oath to the community by becoming Mennonite, but still, my family put me through hell because of my decision.”

  I studied her keen features and asked, “Why are you telling me all this?”

  “Because I get accurate feelings about people, and meeting you, I can say with almost certainty that you won’t make it as an Amish woman.” She said it kindly, but that didn’t matter to me. It was the words that bit me.

  “That’s where you’re wrong. Guess your fortune-telling days are over,” I said.

  “I’m trying to help you—that’s all. You should be aware that there are alternatives for you and your boyfriend if you find that you can’t handle the Plain life.”

  Alternatives were something I needed an abundance of. I nodded and listened carefully to the strange woman.

  “We Mennonites share many of the values that the Amish do, such as the simpler lifestyle and strong sense of faith in the Lord, but we are allowed to drive cars and use electricity. There are also New Order Amish who use more technology and aren’t as restrictive. There are options for you if it doesn’t work out in the Meadowview community.”

  Her face sparked as if she’d just thought of something, and she said, “And if your Amish boy isn’t willing to compromise, he might not be worth sacrificing your own life for.”

  With that, she smiled and walked away. I watched after her until she was enveloped into the crowd of dark-clad people.

  My brain was frozen from her last sentence. Was this woman some kind of sign from the universe that I was making a terrible mistake with my life? Had she been sent to guide me onto the right path?

  I couldn’t even feel the cold any longer; my body was on fire with doubt and confusion—until I saw him. Noah had stepped through the door and was searching for me, his head moving back and forth in quick motions.

  When he saw me, our invisible string jumped alive, and the ice in my mind thawed.

  Cynthia was wrong...she had to be.

  19

  Noah

  I stared at the clear night sky, picking out the Big Dipper. It was comforting to see the faraway bright lights that were always there, unchanging.

  The door opened behind me, and I spared a glance just long enough to see that it was Father and not Rose joining me. She must have been still working with the other girls to clean the dishes from her birthday dinner, I thought with an irritated sigh. Rose was seventeen now and closer to the day that I’d make her my wife, but I wasn’t as peaceful in the knowledge as I’d imagined I’d be on this day.

  “Son, why are you out here in the chill night air?” Father asked, placing his hands on the railing and leaning into them.

  “I was just thinking,” I replied, not looking at him.

  “It seemed that Rose was quite taken with your gifts. What do you think?”

  I remembered for some seconds, recalling her shocked face when Jacob and I had carried the plush tan recliner into the living room for her. She’d had about the same reaction to the mantel clock at first—before she’d laughed. An inside joke, she’d told me, but I could tell that the Amish idea of suitable gifts for a woman soon to be married might not be the same as an English girl would expect.

  “Sometimes, I feel that—” I struggled for the words “—that Rose is Amish, and I don’t even think about her English past. But then there are other moments when she seems so different from us.”

  “And...?” Father questioned
softly.

  I finally faced him, saying, “Like tonight. I gave her gifts that any Amish woman would have been thrilled with, but even though Rose smiled and acted excited, I don’t think she really was.”

  “You might be reading more into this than need be.” Father repositioned himself so that he was leaning back on the railing with his arms crossing his chest. “All women have their moody days. I’d think you would already know that from your sisters.”

  “This isn’t about hormones. My gifts for Rose were for our home together. I’m afraid that she’s having a hard time accepting that in a year’s time, she’ll be a married woman,” I said reluctantly, not wanting to admit to Father that Rose might be having second thoughts.

  “You need to talk to her about your concerns, and you need to be patient with her. I understand that you might be ready for married life, but if Rose isn’t just yet, then you’ll need to give her more time.” Father nodded toward the door and said, “Why don’t you take her home before James and Ruth head out? That will give you a little extra alone time to talk.”

  “That’s a good idea.”

  Father held his hand up and warned, “You be minding yourself, though. You just got past the punishment, and I reckon you don’t want to lose any more time with your girl.”

  I understood what he meant, and I nodded. I’d not intended to kiss Rose the way I had at the frolic, but then when I was around her, all my good intentions went out the window.

  * * *

  Rose cuddled in under my arm and said in a shivering voice, “It’s really cold out tonight.”

  At that moment I wished that I had her in a comfortable car with the hot air blasting, but that wasn’t our way—or hers now. Glancing down at the top of her bonnet, I pulled her in even closer, wanting to shield her from the chilled night air.

  I’d planned to wait until we were at the Hershbergers’ before I brought the subject up, but I found I couldn’t wait that long.

  “Did you have a nice birthday?” I asked quietly, with a roughness to my voice I didn’t want.

  “Yeah, of course I did. Why?”

  I dove right in. “You seem a little off this evening. Is there something wrong?”

  She was silent for a minute before finally answering me. “The party was so nice that your family put on for me...and I’m really touched about it, and the presents you gave me were...overwhelming.” She paused as if searching her thoughts, before going on to say in a firmer voice, “But I missed my dad and brothers.”

  I was taken aback by her words. It hadn’t even occurred to me that Rose would still be upset about her family not being invited to the celebration.

  “I explained the reason to you already. Until we’re married, the less time you spend around them, the better. They’ll only try to change your mind, convince you that you’re making a mistake. You don’t need to deal with that kind of turmoil.” I tried to sound sympathetic, but the vision of a leering Sam popped into my head, and I didn’t feel so kind.

  “Yeah, but it’s not right for me to stay away from them on my birthday. It’s just crazy.”

  Before I had a chance to respond, she started up again with more agitation in her voice. “And you know what? If I keep avoiding them, my dad is going to freak out and then there’s no telling what he’ll do.”

  She sat up straight and pulled away from the warmth of my body.

  “Your father promised to let you decide, and you have. He was okay with it when you joined the church. Why would he do something now?”

  Something changed in her posture, a sort of drawing into herself, and immediately my inner alarm bells went off.

  “Uh, it wasn’t exactly like that, Noah,” she whispered. Her hands were clenched in fear on her lap.

  “What are you talking about, Rose? You asked him to allow you to take the vows, right?” The sinking feeling was already in the pit of my stomach, and I knew the answer before she uttered a word. Damn.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. But I never talked to him about it. I was afraid that he’d say no and take me home... I knew he’d say no,” she cried out.

  I parked the buggy beside James’s barn and focused my mind as quickly as I could. Rose had lied to my parents then, too. They’d probably understand the situation and be supportive of her going against her own father to join our church, but they might be compelled to discuss it with him, anyway. They wouldn’t want the deceit on their consciences.

  Deep down, I wasn’t surprised at all. I just hadn’t questioned her about it until now because I didn’t want to face the truth. I’d always known that getting Dr. Cameron to allow his daughter to take the serious step of being baptized into an Amish church was the biggest obstacle to Rose and me finally being together. I was as much to blame for the deceit as Rose was.

  I looked at Rose, who was staring at me with wide, frightened eyes. My first and only instinct was to protect her at any cost, and I grabbed her hands and said, “Listen, we cannot mention this to my parents or to anyone else in the community, even Suzanna. No one must learn that you took the vows to the church without getting permission from your father.”

  She sniffed. “Why?”

  “Because if my parents knew, or anybody else, they’d tell your family about it. Once your father found out what you’d done, he’d take you away. I’m sure of it.”

  I pulled her into my arms and kissed the side of her face, breathing in warm flowers. It was amazing that she could smell like warm flowers, even when frost was in the air.

  She whimpered, “I’m sorry.”

  “It’ll be all right. We’ll keep as silent as a cat guarding her kittens about it—the longer that you’re with us, the less likely that your father will come for you. It’s already been over three months, and he hasn’t done a thing about it, so maybe he’s accepting your decision.”

  She buried her head in my coat and I held her as if I would never let her go. I hoped that what I’d told her was true—but I feared that her father and Sam hadn’t changed their minds about anything.

  20

  Sam

  Damn. It really sucked playing the spy for Dad. I tried to keep my eyes locked on the red minivan as I maneuvered through traffic on the increasingly slippery road. The blue pickup that passed in front of me momentarily broke my eye contact with the van. Shit. I couldn’t lose it now. I accelerated and managed to get enough speed to inch past the car. Not really enough room for my dually to politely get back in front of it in the heavy traffic, but hell, I was on a mission.

  Gunning the engine, I made it back into a spot where I could see the white bonnets bobbing around in the van. Good. I was still with them. The rain mix that had been falling all day had picked that moment to change over to snow, and the large puffy shapes were dotting the windshield in ever increasing intensity.

  It was just dumb luck that I’d spotted the minivan filled with Amish women drive by as I was pulling out of the school parking lot. A little Mario Andretti driving and I managed to catch up to them. I knew the chances of one of those goofy caps being on my sister’s head were pretty slim, but I’d take the gamble. It was worth it. I guess.

  The minivan got into the right turning lane, and I backed off a bit, not wanting to be noticed by Rose if she was in the vehicle. I followed it into the Walmart parking lot.

  “What are you doing? We’re supposed to be at Bradley’s house in twenty minutes,” Hunter asked with an edge to his voice.

  I glanced over at him briefly. “Quiet. I’m trying to think,” I said, ignoring his aggravated grunt.

  From what I could see, the lady driving the minivan was, oh, probably in her forties with short reddish hair. I’d seen the woman driving the Amish around town in her van but hadn’t taken much notice of her before now. She didn’t work too hard for a parking spot close to the store, instead pulling the van into the first space she came to at the back of the lot. I found a space in the next row, about four cars away. I positioned my truck facing the back of the v
an but not in an obvious location where I’d be seen. I was pretty good at this secret agent crap, I decided, as I cut the engine and waited for the occupants of the van to file out.

  No. The first two weren’t her. But it was damn near impossible to tell with them all dressed the same. They were all sporting larger black caps that seemed to be fitted over the white ones, which made seeing their faces even more difficult. The only difference I could register in my head was the varying shades of blue skirts the girls wore, whipping out in the wind below the black coats. That was it.

  How could Rose dress that way—and all for a guy?

  I couldn’t help chuckling when I got a good look at the last girl slipping out of the van. It was Rose—must have been my lucky day. I patiently waited, watching the small group head for the store’s entrance. Funny, she actually moved differently than the other three girls and two older women she was with. Rose had a more confident stride, her back straight, looking around the parking lot as if she was purposefully searching for someone.

  Maybe this chance encounter was serendipitous, after all.

  “Are you following Rose?” Hunter asked quietly, as if it was a big secret.

  When I swiveled around, I could see that he was doing the same thing as me; staring at the Amish women as they made their way to the store.

  “Yeah. Got a problem with it?”

  “Heck, no, I’ve been dying to see her again,” Hunter said, still stalking my sister with his eyes.

  I breathed out a deep sigh. If Hunter had been more charming with my sister months ago, she wouldn’t be in the situation she was in now. Yet, as I studied Hunter’s wide-set eyes and the determined set to his jaw, I admitted to myself that there was still a chance that he could woo Rose away from Mr. Suspenders.

  “Look, I’ve got to talk to my sister, but we have to be careful about this. I don’t want to freak her out or anything.” As an afterthought, I added, “Or get her into trouble with those people.”