Belonging

by Karen Ann Hopkins

  What I loved the most about it was that it was similar to dancing—only on a horse’s back, combining my two favorite activities together. Although my schedule could barely take another activity between my ballet classes and working at the vet clinic, I’d felt that if I could survive until school let out, I’d be in good shape during the summer.

  Hunter’s laugh rang out beside me. I watched him for several long seconds, once again realizing what an upbeat sort of person he was. He laughed easily and loudly for everything, not just the movies. I had to admit, as much as I’d tried to ignore his text messages and telephone calls, I’d been drawn into a closer friendship with him due to his sunny disposition. My promise to myself to blow Hunter off quickly had been harder to keep than I’d anticipated, and here I was, sitting beside him at another movie.

  But what was the point? Hunter would be off to college in the fall, anyway. And then he’d be gone—just like Noah.

  I’d tried hard to block him from my mind, but my ex-boyfriend was never far from my thoughts. The busy days helped. But those times when I found myself alone, Noah’s face would rear up before me, and even though my anger toward him was still as sharp as a dagger in my heart, I also longed to kiss him again. My heart sank at the knowledge that I would never be in his arms again, and tears slipped out of my eyes at random times. The only reason that I was sane at all was because of Hunter. He’d saved me from the burning grief that threatened to consume me.

  It had been weeks since our ski trip, and during that time Hunter had been in constant contact with me, either by phone, text messaging or Facebook. He’d even made the trip to the city several times with Sam to visit. He never pushed me physically, which I was grateful for. The relationship had remained friendly, and I was in no hurry to take it to the next level.

  Whenever I’d begin to feel the darkness of depression moving in, Hunter would appear in some form or another to distract me from the sorrow that I kept hidden deep within me. The time I’d spent with the Amish was fading away, becoming like a hazy and jumbled dream. A part of me wanted to hold on to the memories tightly, reliving the moments over and over again, but the other part desperately wanted to shield myself from the pain and just forget.

  Hunter’s touch startled me as he lightly grasped my hand, pulling it over to his knee and resting it there. I glanced at his face with raised eyebrows, and he smiled before turning his attention back to the movie.

  He didn’t release my hand, though.

  After a minute I began to relax as the heat from his fingertips penetrated my own. I made no attempt to free myself from Hunter’s hold, instead drifting my body a little closer to his and leaning into his arm. I could see the corner of his mouth lift into a broader smile and warmth spread throughout me. The feelings made Noah appear in my mind, but I erased the image quickly, hating myself for the lack of control I had over my mind.

  Since Summer had started dating Sam, she didn’t hang out with Suzanna and Miranda anymore. That saddened me, thinking about the great times we’d all had together, but it also meant that I didn’t hear much Amish news through her anymore. Several times I came close to picking up the phone to call Ruth—or even Sarah—but I never did. I was afraid to stir up all the feelings again. Besides, I didn’t know if they’d even want to talk to me. Noah sure didn’t. Maybe they all hated me, the English girl who couldn’t hack it.

  I guessed that Sarah was probably dating that guy Edwin by now, and Joshua and Jacob were more than likely sitting up by themselves. Ruth had to do all the work on her own again, and I felt a stab of guilt when I thought about leaving her so abruptly.

  Worst of all were my thoughts about Noah. What was he doing with his life without me in it? Had he found a girl to snuggle up with on Sunday nights? Oh, God, if it were Ella I’d just die. But then again, it might bug me even more if she were a nice girl whom I couldn’t hate.

  The credits running on the black screen and the lights coming up woke me from my musings.

  “Did you like the movie?” Hunter asked, not letting go of my hand as we walked out of the theater.

  I didn’t lie to Hunter about things, and I answered truthfully, “Honestly, I don’t remember much of it. I was kind of zoned out, thinking about stuff.”

  Hunter held the door to his new Mustang open for me, and I sank down into it. I smiled slightly, thinking about how proud he was to drive me around in it. Of course, that meant that poor Sam was at the mercy of his old friends for a ride when he came to the city. My dear brother was already upset that he’d missed a weekend with Summer by coming with Hunter to his aunt’s house, but appearances were everything in the teenage world. Aunt Debbie would not have taken to the idea of Hunter spending the night at the house with only me as the object of his attention. Somehow, as long as Sam was along, it was all right to Aunt Debbie to allow my potential boyfriend to sleep over—and Sam and Hunter had worked out some secret agreement to make sure Sam made the sacrifice once a month.

  It was all kind of weird, but so far it worked out okay. I could only imagine the heart attack Ruth would have if she knew that Hunter was sleeping under the same roof as me, and completely unchaperoned. I’d been a good girl, though. Maybe she’d have been proud of me.

  I would never know.

  “You’ve been awful quiet tonight. Is something wrong?”

  Hunter’s voice was so tight that I felt his fear. He was afraid that I was getting ready to tell him that I only wanted to be friends. I glanced over at his straight profile, his hair hiding his face partially.

  I didn’t answer him, instead, following the bright passing lights on the business signs with my eyes. How different this world was from the Amish one. I hadn’t missed the traffic and the overwhelming amount of civilization in the suburbs. I’d grown quite fond of the dark, quiet country nights.

  Unzipping my jacket as the heat blasted from the vents, I reached out and turned the knob and said, “I’ve just been thinking about how you’ll be going away to college in the fall, and I’ve kind of gotten used to having you around—even if you are a couple of hours away.”

  “Is that why you’ve been holding back on me?” he asked.

  “Well, really, what’s the point of us starting something up if we won’t be together in a few months, anyway?” I didn’t want to sound depressed, but I was sure I did.

  He chuckled a little, catching me off guard before he pulled into an empty parking lot and killed the engine.

  Grabbing my hand, he pulled me closer and said, “Hell, I thought this whole time that you just wanted to be friends—that the way I’d acted last year at the party had screwed up my chances of ever having you for myself. Now I find out that you do want me, and you’re worried about me not being around.”

  “Ah, something like that,” I muttered, suddenly very aware of how alone we were in the darkened furniture store lot. And the fact that for the first time, I’d kind of given Hunter the green light—to something.

  “You listen to me, Rose. It’s going to be more than a few months before I leave. And I could always come here and go to Ohio State to be closer to you—the papers aren’t signed yet. You’ll be heading off to school a year later, and we could make arrangements to be at the same college. Hell, we could get an apartment together.”

  Hunter was getting way, way too far ahead of himself. But, I couldn’t help the moisture that got worked up in my eyes at what he’d said.

  “You’d actually change schools to be closer to me?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Why?”

  Words weren’t going to work for him. In a swift movement, he had his arms around me and his mouth on mine. I vaguely recalled the last time we’d kissed, when I bit him, and I wondered why I hadn’t enjoyed his warm mouth back then—because I sure did now.

  Hunter’s tongue pushed between my lips in what felt like a desperate attempt to show me how he felt instead of simply telling me. His lips were full and firm; his scent from the musky cologne he wore tickl
ed my senses, and I breathed him in more fully as I opened my mouth to his.

  I didn’t know how long we were lip-locked in total abandon, but the flash of lights did get our attention.

  “Shit,” Hunter said as he pulled away from me and lowered the window.

  “This is not a make-out destination,” the cop said before he asked to see Hunter’s driver’s license.

  I wiped my mouth and zipped up my jacket, suddenly feeling bare naked. The way my heart was pounding, I was surprised the officer didn’t call an ambulance. Hunter’s kiss was definitely better the second time around and well worth the wait. And strangely, even though he wasn’t Noah, I had felt safe and secure in his embrace.

  Maybe there was a chance for me to rid Noah from my brain forever.

  When we pulled out of the parking lot, and the cop turned in the opposite direction, we both breathed out, bursting into laughter.

  “That was some kiss—brought a cop down on us and everything.” He laughed again, taking up my hand and squeezing it.

  He said with a surety that made me believe him, “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

  * * *

  Lying in the bed that I now considered mine, I stared at the stars on the ceiling. Justin and I’d had some fun sticking the galaxy up there right after Christmas, a present from Sam who seemed to know the right gift for a near suicidal teenage girl after she’d been ripped away from the love of her life.

  The stars blinked in and out of my vision, hazing over for some seconds to burst into clear brightness the next when my eyes would focus again.

  Was Noah the love of my life or just a first-time crush that the years would erase from memory?

  It was more difficult to see his face when I thought about him now, and since I didn’t have any pictures of him, it was almost as if he’d never really existed—as if I’d dreamed him up to help me get over my Mom dying, or something psychological like that.

  I opened my mind and heart up for the first time in so many weeks and let Noah flow back in. Hugging the pillow close and pulling the covers up over my head, I sniffed, letting the tears flow. No, I knew the truth. I could try to fool myself all I wanted, but it wouldn’t change reality. I would always love Noah. I’d taken oaths to a community and culture that I wasn’t born to in order to be with him.

  It had definitely been the real deal. But Noah wasn’t willing to leave his world for me, and that stung my heart.

  Yet Hunter would change all his well-laid plans to be with me, a girl he wasn’t even officially dating, before he’d even received a kiss. Had I been stupid all along? How could I have not seen how into me Hunter was—and that he really was a good guy?

  The questions bashed my brain, making it impossible to sleep. I was so confused that my head pounded with the conflicting thoughts.

  Was Hunter the one for me?

  As if on cue, the soft creak of the door opening stopped my breath and sharpened my senses. I listened as the door scraped over the carpet and then to the quiet steps on the floor coming closer. I knew before I even peeked over the covers that it was Hunter, but seeing him in his sweatpants and T-shirt standing beside my bed sparked my heart into a frenzy of beating.

  “What are you doing?”

  I was afraid that he’d just majorly messed things up for himself. One kiss and he showed up in my bedroom in the middle of the night—not good.

  But when he got down on his knees and peered at me seriously, I wasn’t afraid.

  “Rose, I just wanted you to know that I have deep feelings for you.” He reached out and tenderly smoothed the hair away from my face, and I suddenly didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want to have sex, but I didn’t want to be alone, either.

  I sat up a little and held my arms out to him. “Will you stay a little while and hold me—just until I fall asleep?” I added with a more severe tone, “No funny business.”

  I couldn’t make out his face very well, but I knew he was smiling when he climbed onto the top of the covers, sliding his strong arm under my head and pulling me in tight to his chest with the other.

  His warm breath on the side of my face and the flutter of his fingers on my back sent a shock of desire coursing through me. I wondered if he was as bothered as I was, and I thought about finding his lips in the darkness, but I didn’t. I knew that if we started kissing, it would be the end of it—we’d go all the way for sure.

  As much as I wanted Hunter at that moment, as wonderful as his body draped over mine felt, I knew I wasn’t ready for him in that way. Listening to his breathing even out, I thought that, ironically he’d probably beat me to dreamland.

  I was relieved that I had on my full body Eeyore pajamas, so that if anyone did find us in the morning, both fully clothed and me wearing something as unsexy as what I had on, they’d know we hadn’t been messing around.

  I relaxed, reveling in the feel of being held by a strong guy who loved me. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine it was Noah beside me. But I would try not to do that. It wasn’t fair to Hunter to be thinking such thoughts. It was already bad enough that I didn’t tell him that I loved him back. But I couldn’t lie to Hunter. I had decided that I’d always be truthful with him. And even though I knew in my heart that someday I could love him, that moment hadn’t come yet.

  My heart was still calling out another name.

  29

  Noah

  I washed the dirt of the volleyball game from my hands, trying to keep my heart calm. Tonight was the night.

  I was confident Constance would say yes; she’d given every indication that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. After a few months of courting her, I was sure that she was the right girl for me. Father and Mother were supportive of my decision, which made it even easier.

  Drying my hands, I paused to glance in the mirror above the sink. I thought I looked older than before. I guess it was to be expected, though. I’d basically lived one life already. I tried not to let Rose enter my thoughts, but it was impossible to keep her entirely locked out. She’d probably always be there, lurking in the shadows, flashing her bright blue eyes at me and messing with my mind.

  I wasn’t going to let the memories ruin the good thing I had going with Constance, though. It was the middle of April, and I’d turned nineteen the week before. I was more than ready to begin my adult life. Marrying, having children and farming were what I’d always wanted, and now I was closer to reaching my goals. I couldn’t look back and fret over an English girl who never even loved me—a girl who was temporary.

  I looked out the window at the buggies that were already leaving the singing, filled with couples who were all too happy to get away from the spying eyes of the adults. The air was warm, despite the cloudy skies, darkening softly with the setting sun that couldn’t be seen. As much as I welcomed the warmer weather, it also stirred thoughts in my mind that I’d rather leave locked away. I breathed out hard, suddenly feeling the tightening in my gut that always accompanied a reminder of Rose. I couldn’t help but associate the growing heat with her. She sometimes seemed to be made of nothing but heat.

  As I watched Matthew snap the long reins, sending his open buggy down the drive with Miranda sitting close beside him on the bench, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what Rose was doing at that very moment, so far away in the big city. Did she ever think about me? I liked to believe so but wasn’t sure at all. The connection that we’d shared had vanished, leaving a feeling of disconnect that was like a deep hole inside of me. When I thought about what I’d lost when Rose had left me, the pain was too much for me to bear, and I’d quickly seal her away, busying myself with thoughts of Constance and our life together.

  And that’s exactly what I did now.

  I hurried out of the bathroom, trying to spark my excitement for what I was about to do. I reasoned to myself that within minutes I’d have my girl and we’d be on our way behind the line of buggies—toward a future together as a family. It was a day of cele
bration, not a time for letting the hard memories of a girl from my past beat me down.

  I wouldn’t allow Rose to rule my mind. I was over her.

  Rounding the corner into the kitchen, a sight caught my attention that slowed me, maybe even worried me for no good reason.

  “What are you doing, Ella?”

  Ella had been holding an envelope up and studying it intently when I walked in. Since she was in my family’s kitchen and had no business snooping through our stuff, the sound of my voice brought her whirling around.

  She set the letter down on the counter and smoothed out her dress before answering me in a calm voice. “Oh, I didn’t know you were in here—thought you’d be with Constance.”

  Her voice was laced with fake friendliness, but her eyes were dark with something else.

  “Don’t matter what I’m doing. This is my house.” I watched as her face changed expression, a slight frown easing onto her mouth. Whether it was for real or an act was a mystery to me.

  Ella knew she had to say something, so she did. “I was just tidying the counter for your Mother. The little kids came in here and made such a mess today.” She smiled coyly back at me again and went on to say, “Is everything going well with Constance? She’s such a nice girl—much better suited to you than the other one. What was her name?”

  “You know her name.” After a quick look around to make sure we were alone, I lowered my voice and said, “And, it’s none of your damn business about Constance. You best leave well enough alone.”

  Ella’s eyes widening was the only indication that my words hit the mark.

  She walked to the door, only pausing to say over her shoulder, “You have a nice evening.”

  The encounter rattled my nerves, but I tried to block the weasel from my mind as I headed out myself. I had much more important things going on than to worry about Ella Weaver.