by TL Travis
I’m my own worst enemy
Fighting the demons inside me
You’ve awoken a beast I didn’t know lived within
Look what you’ve done to me
I’m so lost I can’t see
Hidden in the dark abyss
Chorus:
Now my world’s turned to black
There’s no fucking turning back
I’ve wasted enough of my time
We’ve said our last goodbyes
I’ll hear no more of your lies
I won’t be used again
To me you’re fucking dead
So just walk away
Because this time you won’t win
We’ve been down this road before
Far too many times to ignore
I’ve never looked at another, yet you seemed to look at everyone
But here’s where we say our final goodbye
Chorus:
Now my world’s no longer black
I’m never fucking turning back
You were never worth my time
I’ve said my last goodbye
They’ll be no more lies
Now I can see in the light of day you’re not who you said you were
I pity those whose paths you cross
Your ruthless ways will bring you lonely days
One day soon you’ll see
You’re not all you claim to be
Forget you ever knew me
You’re nothing more than a memory
I’ve made myself the man I’ve always wanted to be
I’ve said…Goodbye…
“What the fuck man?” he yelled at me.
Diamond and Mickey stopped adjusting their equipment and craned their necks our way. “You’re fucking hungover, hiding behind your Ray Bans – again.”
“You didn’t like the song?” I glared at him from behind the sanctity I felt behind my dark shades.
“The lyrics are great, but this fucking my life sucks let me slit my wrists shit has got to stop.” He clutched the paper firmly in hand, pacing back and forth. “We’ll sing the song, but not to the tune of the fucking Cure singing kill me now. We’re a fucking metal band, Joey, and shit will be shouted from the rafters.” He kicked my boot sticking out in front of me from where I was perched on the floor in the corner of stage area.
“Fine,” I groaned through clenched teeth. Not sure who I was more pissed off at, him for pointing out the obvious or me for acting like a spoiled child.
“Jesus, man. Get yourself together before we’re digging you out of a fucking ditch of depression so deep it takes a team of twenty to get to you.” He picked up a half empty water bottle and threw it at me, “And lay off the fucking Jack, man, before I become your full-time babysitter. Then you’ll have a real reason to hate me.”
I whispered to myself, “I don’t hate you, I hate me.” But he must have heard me because he looked back at me before storming off stage. Leaving me to deal with the pissed off faces of Diamond and Mickey glaring at me.
“Your life doesn’t suck. Open your fucking eyes and see what’s right in front of you,” Diamond pointed out once again before following Stoli.
Mickey shook his head as he walked away. Leaving me to my dark thoughts.
We made it to the last week of our tour and going home was bittersweet for me. While I needed the feeling of warmth I felt from being home, everything there reminded me of Lucas and the lies I believed which would only make this dark hole I was sinking into consume me even further.
After the show tonight, our last show on the tour, the guys from Maiden cornered me telling me I was coming to the after party in their suite. I tried to decline, but Derek threatened to send his security guards to find me and he said their retrieval methods would not be user friendly. Not sure what he meant by that, but I figured it was best to avoid the behemoth brigade’s wrath.
The four of us entered together and as usual walked into an already packed house. When Derek saw us, he, Ryder, Shadow, and Jaxson – the members of Maiden, took to the makeshift stage set up in the middle of the room. With mic in hand, Derek addressed the crowd:
“All right, all right. Calm down you free loading fuckers!”
Laughter ensued, but the crowd quieted.
“Tonight, we’re here to celebrate the end of another successful road trip. We’d like to thank the guys from Double Duty and Social Sinners for joining us!” He raised his hands and started clapping and the crowd joined in.
“Okay, enough said. Time to party!” The DJ, which I hadn’t even noticed was here because he was tucked away in a corner of the room kicked it off with Maiden’s platinum record song, Down and Dirty before food and drink trays started making their way around the room.
“Come on,” Mickey said, “let’s get some food in your gut before Jack finds you.” He tugged me toward the massive buffet set up along the wall of windows overlooking the lights that illuminated the greater Los Angeles area.
Stoli was still ignoring me, I spotted him in the corner of the room chatting it up with a couple of guys I wasn’t familiar with. Something inside me snapped, I don’t know why, but the anger I’d held back for the last couple of hours consumed me. After I filled my plate full, I grabbed a bottle of my new best friend and headed toward the cocaine estate that flanked the dining table.
I sat and drank, and watched the scene unfolding in front of me. I’d never done drugs before, well nothing other than smoking pot from time to time. But after watching each of them tackle the snowy mountain, I was drunk enough to decide to try it for myself. To the cheers of those surrounding me, I hit it expecting it to burn as it went down but much to my surprise it didn’t. I took a second hit, sat back and gazed around the room taking in the faces I hadn’t noticed before. Not sure if it was the coke or Jack, but I was riled up enough to find my way out onto the center of the dance floor. It was a tight area, heated bodies grinding against heated bodies and I was already hard as hell.
I felt one hand slide down the back of my leather pants and another down the front gripping the erection straining against my zipper. Not sure how I didn’t blow my load on impact considering it had been months since anyone other than myself had touched my dick, but I managed to hold back without even trying. Maybe it was the blow I’d done that held it at bay, but whatever it was I was thankful for it. This was the most foreplay I’d had in my life and it was fucking awesome.
Next thing I knew I was sitting on the couch with a head of blond hair bobbing up and down on my lap, but I couldn’t feel what it was doing as I’d long since lost all feeling in my extremities. Including my dick.
Another twink was sitting beside me with pills in his hand asking, “Red or blue?”
“Red or blue? What am I, fucking Neo?” I really didn’t give a fuck which pill or how many pills they gave me. I was numb, which was the goal I was hoping to achieve.
Not sure which one he gave me, but after that, everything was a blur until Stoli yanked the one off my lap, tearing me out of the comfortable haze I was in. He gripped the front of my shirt and dragged me out into the hall and then slammed me up against the wall and slapped me hard across the face.
“What the fuck man!” I yelled at him.
“Are you trying to fucking kill yourself?” he screamed, security stared in our direction, but at Derek’s request they turned back around and he went back inside the suite.
“Maybe, what the fuck do you care?” I slurred, trying to argue, but found my tongue wasn’t cooperating.
“Do you even know what they gave you in there? We don’t do drugs, remember the promise we made to each other when we were kids? Or have you forgotten us completely?” His face was red, in my drug induced haze I thought I saw steam shooting out of his ears.
“Nope and I don’t care.”
“I will not sit by and watch you kill my best friend. No way, no how, not on my watch.” Without letting go of my shirt, he dragged me across the hall and slid the keycard into the lock o
n the room Maiden gave us for the night. Once inside, he turned on the shower and stripped my clothes off. I stayed propped up against the entry way wall, it was the only thing still holding me up as my legs gave that job up some time ago.
When we were both naked, he shoved me into the shower and held me under the water, running his fingers through my matted hair. He applied shampoo, massaging my scalp during which I passed in and out of consciousness thinking washing my skin will never wash away my sins.
I barely remember him drying me off and putting me to bed, but I do remember him curling my naked body up with his, kissing my forehead and whispering, “You dumbass, why can’t you see what’s right in front of you,” before I succumb to the darkness.
The next morning, I woke in a blurred frenzy. My head was pounding so loudly I couldn’t hear my own thoughts. My tongue was swollen and when I tried to get out of bed to make a run for the bathroom, I tripped over our duffle bags and puked all over them and the floor.
“What the fuck, dude!” Mickey yelled, “You barfed on our shit.”
“Sorry,” I squealed as I ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet. I heard the guys arguing on the other side of the closed door.
“This has to stop now, Stoli, or I quit,” Mickey demanded.
“I’m handling it,” he told him.
“Not very well, look at our shit.”
“Man, I try to stay out of your guy’s mess,” Diamond said, “But he’s killing himself and dragging the band down with him.”
“You need to tell him, dude,” Mickey added.
“You both need to stay out of it. I’ll tell him when it’s time, but when he’s on a major downward spiral that’s not the right time. We need to get him straight first,” Stoli warned them. That was the last thing I heard before passing out on the bathroom floor in the pile of towels we’d left there the night before. I’d curled up into the fetal position, wishing everything would end. My bandmates hated me, my best friend hated me and worst of all, I hated me.
The door opened and Stoli came inside with a pile of my clothes in hand. He’d managed to put on a pair of jeans whereas I was still naked. “Here’s your clothes. Easton’s pissed and sent an Uber for us. Maiden left and we’re headed home today.” He turned to walk away when I found my voice.
“Why did you help me?” My teeth were chattering, and I was freezing. He kneeled beside me, sliding my shirt over my head and arms.
“Because I’ll always love you. You’re my best friend and I’m here to help you. No matter how badly you hurt me.”
I started crying. “I love you too, my brother, but I’m so fucking miserable.”
He grabbed my boxers, sliding them on and when he reached my thighs I lifted just enough for him to get them situated before he put my socks on and started helping me with my jeans. “Do you think you can stand long enough to get your pants on and brush your teeth?”
Bang, bang, bang.
“There are other people here who need the bathroom too,” Mickey yelled while banging on the bathroom door.
Stoli shook his head. “The guys are really pissed at you. I wish I could tell you this was going to be an easy ride home, but I’d be lying if I did.” He held his hand out to help me up but pulled me into a hug rather than letting me go when I stood. “You need help, Joey,” he said as he released me and left the bathroom.
I brushed my teeth and ran a quick brush through my hair knowing I’d throw on a baseball cap and hide as best I could behind my Ray Bans as I’d been doing for the last several weeks. When I opened the door, I found two very angry faces standing on the other side of it. This was going to be a long day.
The ride back to the bus was done in total silence. My shades were dark enough that no one could see my eyes, but the humiliation I felt as the memories from last night came back to me was soul crushing. I had to get my shit together and it had to be fast.
I’m not ready to die.
Once everyone was situated and we were on the road, Easton addressed the group, “Not sure if now is the time to mention this, but dad wants to know if you’ve gotten any songs written? The label is asking you to put out another CD within the next six months in order to fulfill your contractual obligations.”
“Yeah, we have a couple finished and I’ve started three more. You guys got anything?” Stoli asked around.
I grabbed the notebook out of my duffle bag and handed it to him. As he thumbed through it, I saw him shake his head and sigh. “There are a couple more in here, some are pretty fucking dark, so we’ll need to edit them.”
“No time like the present. We have three days until we get home so let’s hash out as much as we can,” Diamond said reaching for the notebook.
“Let’s print a few copies out so everyone can make notes on them,” Stoli said as he pulled out his notebook. We had a small office area set up with a wireless printer, so he went to make the copies on it before handing them out to the three of us.
“All right, I’ll let Dad know so he can inform the label.” He grabbed his laptop off the table and started typing.
My mood wasn’t much lighter than it had been these last few months, but last night’s revelation into just how fucked up I’d let things get told me it was sink or swim time with my brothers. If I didn’t pull my head out of my ass and fast, I was out.
The humiliation of being thrown out of my own band would do me in if the drugs and alcohol didn’t first.
I knew if that happened it would well and truly be the end of me. I’d never survive it. These were my boys and I had a massive redemption to plan and execute.
I took my notes and headed to my bunk. It felt like all eyes were on me and I couldn’t concentrate. While they probably weren’t looking at me, my psyche was psyching me out into believing that and there was no place for paranoia in this already fucked up equation. I pushed the negative thoughts aside as best I could and got to work tweaking my lyrics and making notes on Stoli’s. At least he was thinking with the band in mind as he’d even written what I assumed he wanted to be our mantra with the lyrics to Blood Brothers. Nothing needed fixing on that one, he nailed it and I’d make sure we’d get back to being the band those lyrics were about.
“Guys,” Easton yelled a couple hours later. “Lunch break or work through until dinner time?”
“Dinner,” we yelled in unison and got back to work.
“Hey, Joey,” Stoli hollered down from his bunk.
“Yeah?” I crawled out to stretch my legs after sitting in my bunk for so long.
He threw back his curtain. “Some of this shit is pretty fucking depressing.”
“Sorry, I’ve made a lot of changes. Hopefully you guys will like them. I’m gonna grab a bottle of water, want one?”
“Yeah.”
“Me too,” Mickey added from his bunk.
“Me three,” Diamond added.
I didn’t realize we had all congregated back here. When I walked out to the kitchen, Easton was still busy on his laptop. After grabbing the water bottles, I headed back, tossing one inside each bunk to the chimes of “thanks” before plopping back down in mine.
Stoli had grabbed his guitar and was plucking away at the chords and writing notes down to the lyrics. That drew the rest of us to open our curtains and join in. By the time we stopped for dinner, we had a great feel for the direction we wanted the next CD to head in and told Easton to have his dad set up studio time with the label starting next week.
When we got home, it was feast or famine to say the least. In order to move forward, I had to purge all the negatives out, which for me started with removing everything Lucas related from my life. Even though I’d not heard from him, I deleted his contact in my phone and took down every picture, letter, card – you name it and boxed it up. I invited the guys over for a BBQ as my official apology on Saturday and we toasted to new beginnings and burned the bad memories in the fire pit in my backyard. Sunday everyone spent hanging out with their families, well Diamond with
us since he was part of our family, and chilled since we were back in the studio bright and early on Monday morning.
And just as I’d anticipated, when we walked in to the studio Sal asked to have a word with me first thing.
We went back to the office and he shut the door before gesturing for me to take the seat across from him. “Joey, I’m at a loss here, son. I’m sure I don’t know everything that happened on the tour, but what I did hear I’m not pleased with.”
“Well Sal, if it’s any consolation, I’m not too happy with myself either.”
Fuck, I hope I’m not fired.
“I know you’ve only been home for a couple of days, but I hope and pray there won’t be a repeat performance.” He spoke sternly, “I’m working on some big things for you boys right now to tie in with this next CD release, and I hate to have one bad apple in the bunch ruin it for the others.”
“I won’t, Sal, I promise it’s over.”
Sal stood, and gripped my shoulder while looking down at me. “I hope so, son.”
When we walked back out into the lobby the guys were there waiting, three sets of eyes turned my way. I stuffed my hands in my pockets, feeling more out of place than I ever had. Sal patted my back as he passed by me.
“Okay boys, you know where to go and what to do. Dave’s back there and Easton and I’ve got work to do so get busy.” They grabbed their bags and left.
As soon as they were gone, Stoli asked, “Um, everything okay?”
“Yeah, he heard about my fuckups and wanted to make sure I had my shit under control,” I told them.
“Do you?” Mickey asked, still somewhat standoffish where I was concerned which I more than understood. It takes a lot to get him riled up, and it seemed I’d reached that plateau.
“I’m getting there. Haven’t had a drink since Saturday night when I toasted with you guys which is a start.” It was unnerving having their unwavering eyes pinned to me.
Nothing more was said, they picked up their gear and headed back to the tuning room which we’d nicknamed the jam room and started unpacking.
