“I was almost starting to wish he’d kiss me,” Candice admitted, though saying it aloud made it feel all the more real. And frightening.
“Wow,” Shelly said. “I’m jealous.”
“Jealous? What do you mean?” Candice sat up as she waited for an answer, ignoring the dizzy spell that rushed over her as a result.
“Just that you’ve been married for years, but suddenly you have those amazing butterflies, like when you were first dating. That’s so wonderful!”
Candice furrowed her brow. “I guess. But I’m not even sure we’re going to be able to make things work.”
“But he’s courting you,” Shelly persisted. “And he looks dang good, Candice. It’s not like I was checking him out at Mom’s wedding but I couldn’t help but notice.” She sighed. “You’ve got this handsome, hunky cowboy giving you all this attention, trying to win you over, and more than that – he knows you. He already knows every flaw you have and he’s still going after you.”
Candice nodded, seeing the truth in her sister’s words. “I guess you’re right.”
“Is it wrong that I have butterflies for you?” Shelly asked. “I really do. I’m going to want every detail about what goes on between you guys now. Anything that happens, I want to know about it.”
“Okay.” Shelly had mentioned something about butterflies, but what Candice felt was different. It felt more like a mass of grasshoppers were trapped in her tummy, jumping left and right to find their way out. “It’s funny,” she said, “but for the first time in a long time, I felt entirely comfortable with Logan last night.”
“Comfortable?” Shelly spit out the word as if it tasted like poison.
“What I mean is, for the first time in years, I was with him, and not worried about our inability to have children. Our chances are totally shot, but Logan was still there, wanting to make things work. It felt nice to know that he really does love me, want to be with me, even if we never have kids.”
“Of course he does,” Shelly said.
Candice shrugged, letting her legs dangle over the counter’s edge. “I guess that – no matter how many times he said it – I didn’t truly believe he’d still love me. Last night kind of assured me that he’d meant it all along.”
A series of taps sounded from her front room. “No way,” Candice spat in a whisper. “That’s my door.”
“I bet it’s him!” Shelly squealed on the other end of the line. “Hurry and get it. Call me when he’s gone no matter what time it is. Phil’s working late, so time is not an issue.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“I mean it,” Shelly persisted. “I’ll call you if I don’t hear back – ”
Candice rolled her eyes. “Goodbye.” She set the phone on the counter, glanced down at her pajamas. Short, nearly see-through shorts with a thin, silky tank top. She considered covering herself up. The knock came again. Logan’s comment from the night before came back to her, and she decided she’d better at least peek through the peep hole and make sure it was him, considering how she was dressed and all.
Her heart did an odd little dance once she caught sight of him through it. She took hold of the knob with a grin on her face. The countertop had felt nice on her skin – a bit of cool against the warmth, but the breeze that flew in was a different story.
Candice folded an arm over her chest, running her eyes up the length of him in that I’m-totally-not-checking-you-out sort of way. Quick. Barely taking in what she saw. Dusty boots. Jeans. A splash of plaid. And then she got to his face. Wow. Shelly wasn’t kidding. Logan was unreal.
Heat rushed to her cheeks. “Hi,” she said. “Come on in.”
Logan barreled past her, grumbling something under his breath. As he rounded his way into the kitchen, Candice noticed a laptop in one of his hands.
“Make yourself at home,” she said, closing the front door. “I’m going to throw something on real quick.”
She peeked into the kitchen as she walked by, noting he had the laptop on the counter now and was opening it up.
“I’ve got something I’d like you to explain,” he said, voice sounding gruff.
Candice scanned her closet – neatly lined blouses, casual T-shirts, and then what she was looking for – sweatshirts. Perfect. She tugged the salmon-colored one off the hanger, remembering a time he’d complimented her, saying it looked nice next to her skin.
“You coming?” Logan hollered.
She shrugged into the sweatshirt and quickly checked her hair after pulling it over her head. “Yep.” Jeez. What was the rush? She hurried down the hall.
“Would you mind explaining this?” Logan asked as she walked into the kitchen. His tone was harsh and curt. His brows furrowed. And his eyes – those rich chocolate wonders – lacked the warmth they normally held.
Candice straightened her posture, crossing her arms over her chest once more. “Sure.” After dodging the barstool, she moved to his side and stared at the screen. An email. From the adoption agency! She leaned in, scrutinizing the fine print with squinted eyes. “Your payment has been received…” Candice backed away from the screen. “I didn’t send any payment. I thought we were off the list now.”
Logan’s eyes shifted back to the laptop. He squirmed under her shocked gaze. “Not that part. Keep reading.”
Her heart had thumped an extra beat at the initial sight of Logan; it was doing full-on spasms now. Pounding out of control as she read over the first sentence once more. How in the world had they received payment for another year on the list when she’d made a point to make sure the funds weren’t pulled from their account?
With fast, shaky breaths, she tried to make sense of the rest of the email. Something about not being active on the list all this time. Because she hadn’t given them the final go. Candice gasped. “What?”
“We weren’t really being considered all this time, were we?” That same cold look was in his eyes. “Sure, we had an invisible spot on the list, but until you filled out that form, there wasn’t a birth mom out there who could see our profile.”
Candice only stood there. Stunned. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. There was no way. She’d taken care of this. Done it clear back when they’d agreed. “Logan, I had no idea…”
“Just save it, would you? The proof is right here. You never wanted to try again after we lost Mason, did you? You were too afraid that it would happen again so you didn’t want to take the chance.”
She flinched. They’d named the son they were going to adopt weeks before he was born. Who knew doing a thing like that would only make it hurt worse when the mother backed out? “We both felt that way. Neither of us wanted to go through that again. But when you were ready… when we decided to reactivate it – ”
“You just gave yourself away,” he accused. “You didn’t say when we were ready, you said when I was ready. And rather than just be honest about it, you let me think we were simply being overlooked this entire time.”
Was he serious? Could Logan really think she would do that? “You’re wrong, Logan. I was ready. Granted, you were more ready than I was but I was willing to give it another try. I’ve been suffering this whole time over it, worried about getting another call for no reason.”
“Worried? Why would you worry about something you and I have wanted since the day we said I do?”
What was happening? The look in Logan’s eyes was almost foreign to her. “Logan, you can’t think I purposely did that. I was positive we were being considered this entire time. Wondering what in the world was wrong with us that nobody had picked us. It’s just… I’m barely learning this news myself. You have to trust me.” The words came out in a pleading rush. Her head felt heavy, clogged with blurry fuzz and confusion. She swallowed the dryness from her throat, waiting for his reply.
At last he shrugged. His eyes were red. Glistening with trapped tears. “I don’t know. I mean, maybe you did it subconsciously, you know? You didn’t want to get let down again. You didn’t want to be
married to me anymore. So you somehow space off doing the one thing that would ensure we were considered for adoption – our last go at it and it never even happened.”
A strained beat pulsed in her ears, but Candice still heard every word. And the worst part was – it sounded plausible. It did. And though she knew Logan was wrong, knew it with every part of her being, she couldn’t defend herself. Simply watched in a stunned stupor as he slammed the laptop closed and jetted out of the kitchen. He shut the front door behind him, sending a fast rush of cool air to blow over her skin.
She shivered.
Stiffened.
And then something snapped. The quick strike of a mental match. The fast moving flame along the fuse in her mind. Just who had paid that renewal fee?
With fast and furious movements, Candice stomped to the door, pried the thing open against the swoosh of wind, and called out to him.
CHAPTER TEN
“Logan!”
At the sound of her voice, Logan froze, took one step back, and then shook his head in frustration. “What?” If he let his anger rule him, Logan swore he could rip the stupid metal railing off the narrow stairwell and launch it into the glowing blue pool before him.
The padded sound of her footsteps speeding down each stair only boiled his blood further, had him ready for war. He locked his legs in place, leaned against the rail at the base of the stairs, and folded his arms over his chest. He was not even going to think about the concerns flooding his mind at the thought of her in those thin, skimpy shorts in public for all eyes to see. Thank heavens it was dark out.
An ounce of fading light spilled over her furious expression as she neared. “Two things,” she said, straightening her arm toward him, two fingers extended.
He glared at her, jaw locked to the point it hurt.
“First. You are one hundred percent wrong about me wanting to remain inactive on that adoption list. One. Hundred. Percent.” She shifted her weight from one bare foot to the next. “And second, I want to know just how in the hell you got that email? And why? We never gave the agency your email address.”
An inner voice reminded Logan he had the right to remain silent. He liked that right. Decided to use it as Candice shifted her weight again. Her feet were probably frozen. Logan found himself wanting to relieve her of that. He recalled times he’d had her step onto the top of his own feet or shoes, and gulped.
“I can’t remember what that email said word-for-word,” she continued, “but I know it said something about you paying to keep our account active for another year. Did you do that?”
Things were not going in the right direction. It seemed as if someone had lifted a veil off Logan’s head and he was seeing things clearly all at once. Candice had never been a liar. She meant what she’d said. He was the one who’d done something behind her back. He scrubbed a hand over his face, mentally scrambling for position. Even if he was in the wrong, he couldn’t get past what had happened. Couldn’t help but think it all worked in her benefit. After all, she didn’t really want to take the risk anymore. Wasn’t willing to put herself out there another day. And now he finds out that she’d – willingly or not – prevented them from getting a baby for almost two years.
“Logan,” she hissed. “Answer me.”
The vision of her in that moment hurt in more ways than one. His mind ached at the thought that she no longer belonged to him. But his body hurt too – a scorching burn that spread through his lungs as he pulled in a shallow breath. Her cheeks wore her frustration, nearly matching the color of her shirt. So pretty. So angry. So…
“Yes,” he finally muttered. “I did. I wanted us to have another chance.” A new pain flared as he watched tears slip down her cheeks.
She shook her head. “I can’t believe you did that.”
Candice stomped away then. Padded her way back up the stairs and into her apartment where she slammed the door.
Logan cursed under his breath and kicked a lone weed by his foot, a thriving stupid weed growing between cracks in the pavement where it didn’t belong. He thought about that blasted weed all the way home. It shouldn’t have been able to grow there. It wasn’t a bed of soil, after all. The sprinklers couldn’t possibly water the area. And the stairs overhead had to prevent it from getting much sun. Beyond that, the thing had to get trampled on several times a day. Yet there it was, tall, green, and thriving. So why was it that – in the most conducive environment he and Candice could provide – a tender life form couldn’t have come their way? What made the good Lord want to send those little souls everywhere and anywhere but to them? They weren’t a crack in the pavement; they were a bed of soil. Rich with nutrients. A perfect balance of water and sun.
At least, they had been.
Until things started to fall apart.
He considered that on the drive home. Was it possible they just needed to get their marriage in order? They hadn’t been on the list long before getting a call their first time around. They could get one any day now.
The thought offered a spark of new hope. A spark that was snuffed out as quickly as it came. He couldn’t have a one-sided relationship with Candice. He couldn’t be the only one trying. If she wanted it to be over, it was over. And perhaps it was simply time for him to accept it and move on.
That final thought stayed with Logan for the rest of the following day. He’d had enough punishment, hadn’t he? Trying to force Candice into loving him again? It was foolish. And no matter how much he wanted to somehow change things before it was too late, he was beginning to realize that perhaps his time was up. Perhaps ‘too late’ had already come.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“I’m wondering if you could help me out with something,” Candice said to Sam as he sauntered into her classroom. They had said goodbye to the kids over an hour ago. Most of the teachers had left by now, but Sam seemed to have the same policy Candice did: leave your work at work where it belongs. Even if she didn’t have a family waiting for her, the last thing she wanted to do was sit in bed and grade papers and log grades.
Sam tucked his hands into his pockets and turned his gaze to the new drawings on the wall. “Sure,” he said casually.
Candice shrugged into her jacket and grabbed her purse. “I ordered one of those reclining chairs and, since you drive a truck, I wonder if you’d mind maybe helping me get it home?” The moment the words left her mouth she knew it was too much to ask. Her husband had a truck too. And a houseful of furniture that belonged to them both, for that matter.
“Sure. I’d love to.” Sam spun back to look at her. The silent moment – combined with the way he’d phrased his response – made it sound like she’d just asked him on a date for the evening.
Mistake. Get out. Tell him never mind. “Okay. Thanks. It’s at Collin’s Furniture. But if that’s too far for you I could just have someone – ”
“No,” Sam blurted. “It’s fine. But it seems silly for both of us to drive out there. Why don’t you hop in the truck and we can drive out together. While we’re out we can grab a bite to eat since I won’t be much good for anything without some food in me.” He gave her a wink. “On the way back I’ll swing by the lot, let you grab your car, and follow you back to your place.”
Sam’s suggestion had her recalling Logan’s off-handed threat – something about poisoning Sam’s dog. “I better not leave my car here. You know how kids are. Some are probably dying for a chance to vandalize our cars.” The thought had never actually occurred to her before – working with fourth graders as she did – but in the moment it didn’t sound too far fetched.
Sam’s head tilted. His blond brows furrowed. If his expression could speak, Candice knew just what it would say. Something about the fact that she was the one who’d asked him to do a favor, and that he shouldn’t get treated like a predator over it. It also seemed to say that he did not have any feelings for her and so what was she freaking out over?
“Never mind,” she said, her face flushing with embarrassment. “
It’ll be fine. That sounds good. Lets… thanks, let’s just do what you suggested.”
She liked the expression that came next much better. A smile. A friendly, not-interested-in-her-beyond-friendship smile. “Alright,” he said, “let’s get going.”
~+~
Logan gripped hold of the phone with one hand, reached for a shovel with the other, and then propped the phone at his shoulder as he set back to work.
“I just don’t get what has you changing your mind suddenly,” Allie said to him. “I’m glad that you have, of course, but did something happen or…” Her question died off, telling Logan it was his turn to speak. To put some logic into the plan he’d just revealed to his sister.
“Not exactly,” he lied. “It’s not something I can explain. But I still feel like it’s the right thing to do.” He considered it, feeling more confident by the minute. “Either she comes to live with me, or we push through with the divorce and make if final.”
“You know you’re going to have to apologize.” She’d said it like it was something he wasn’t capable of doing.
“I know,” he snapped. He stepped onto the ridge of the shovel, sinking it into the ground with a grunt. “She should apologize too though.”
Allie let out a short laugh. “What for?”
The wood handle trembled beneath Logan’s grip as he struck resistance in the soil – a rock. “I’ve got to go,” he said. “I can’t dig and prop this phone at the same time. I’ll let you know how it goes.” And with that, Logan ended the call and shoved his phone into his pocket.
Unhindered by the small device, Logan attacked the chore with all his strength. Digging until he unearthed the jagged rock at the side of the broken post. ‘Course he could have worked around it, replaced the entire post without disrupting the neighboring rock. Instead he dug a hole three times as wide and twice as deep, and took satisfaction in prying the heavy piece out of the soil. Once he got the massive rock balanced on the spear of his digging shovel, Logan launched it across the field.
Mending Hearts: Logan's Story Page 8
