Dear Lizzie

by Annie Lyons

  If you’ve managed to carry out my other wishes, it will have hopefully made you into a stronger, happier Lizzie – a Lizzie who can cope with seeing her sister for what she is and forgive her for what she’s done. As I near the end of my life, I’ve had to face up to the person I am and recognise the mistakes I’ve made. So this wish is all about forgiveness because I’ve realised that when you strip away everything else, that is all life is about really – love and forgiveness.

  Lizzie felt a chill trickle down her spine at the promise of these words. The Lizzie of the past wanted her to stop reading but the Lizzie of the present wouldn’t let her. She couldn’t tear her eyes away and as she read, as she took in the full, shocking truth of her sister’s life, she felt her body go cold with anger and determination. When Lizzie reached the end, she threw the letter to one side, snatched up her bag and car keys and stormed out of the door.

  ***

  Lizzie fumbled with the keys to Alex’s flat, glancing over her shoulder to check that no one was watching. She wasn’t expecting Alex back for a while but still, she didn’t want to take any chances. She needed time to look around. She marched up the stairs driven by a fury that she could almost taste. Her hands were shaking as she let herself into the flat. She felt like an intruder even though he’d given her a set of keys, ‘to come and go as you please’. She strode down the hall to the bedroom and paused in the doorway, her eyes scanning left and right. She knew exactly what she was looking for.

  There were no clothes tossed carelessly to one side, no underwear thrown to the floor. Everything was at right angles and just so. The bed was made with the pillows carefully laid on top and the covers were smoothed without the hint of a crease, like in a hotel. There were hardly any possessions out on his chest of drawers; just a photograph of the two of them taken on her birthday. The sight of the immaculate room and the primly arranged photo made her boil with rage.

  She scrabbled under the bed, searching for the box of photographs but there was nothing there, just empty darkness. She was incensed now. She hated this room, hated everything about it, everything in it. She had to mess it up, to ruin it as her life was being ruined. She threw open Alex’s wardrobe and pulled everything out of the closet. She grasped and wrenched and pulled and ripped, realising that she was starting to go a little crazy but she didn’t care. She lifted the photograph of the two of them into the air and brought it down with a sharp crack on the chest of drawers. The glass shattered and the photograph fell out along with a small old-fashioned key. Lizzie cast round the room and spotted the roll-top writing desk by the window. She snatched up the key and thrust it into the lock. It opened with ease. She rolled back the lid and there it was: the box, packed full of photographs and letters. This was her treasure; her heartbreaking unwanted treasure.

  She picked up a selection and even though she already knew the truth, she felt sick. The words flashed in front of her like blows to the head.

  I can’t stop thinking about you

  Want to feel your lips on mine

  Need to be with you

  The handwriting, once so comforting and familiar, caused a physical pain in Lizzie’s chest.

  ‘Lizzie?’ said a voice behind her. She spun round to see Alex standing in the doorway. He looked like a stranger to her now; his confidence had dissolved and his face was desperate as he realised her discovery. She looked at him defiantly. She climbed onto the bed, keeping her eyes fixed on his. She picked up the box, lifted it in high into the air and let the contents fall like a deck of cards all over the bed. ‘Don’t!’ cried Alex, but Lizzie wouldn’t stop now. She emptied the box and threw it to one side, standing almost triumphantly in the middle of the photographs and notes; the photographs of her sister, happy and smiling and the notes written to Lizzie’s perfect fiancé from her perfect sister.

  Alex put his head in his hands. ‘Oh Lizzie.’

  His reaction caused her anger to boil over. ‘You are a liar!’’ she screamed, snatching up handfuls of letters and photographs and throwing them at him. ‘Everything you’ve said and done has been a lie!’

  ‘No! That’s not true,’ said Alex weakly, holding up his arms like a shield.

  ‘Don’t try to deny it! You can’t deny it now. Look at these! Look at them. Bea certainly liked to write letters didn’t she? Shit! I have been such a fool. Such a bloody idiotic fool. How could I fall for you? How could you let me fall for you?’ She jumped off the bed and started to pound him with her fists, her mind seared with white-hot anger.

  Alex tried to grab hold of her hands but she pushed him away and glared at him. ‘Well if you liked these letters from my sister, you’ll love this one,’ she said, pulling Bea’s final letter out of her back pocket.

  ‘Lizzie, you don’t have to do this.’

  ‘You!’ she roared, jabbing a finger into his chest. ‘You don’t get to tell me what to do. Everyone has always told me what to do – you, Bea, Mum. Dear, poor Lizzie – the one to be pitied, the one to be protected. I don’t need that any more. I don’t want that any more and you,’ she hissed, prodding him with some force so that he sat back on the bed, ‘you will listen.

  Alex watched her from his place on the bed, surrounded by Bea’s letters and pictures. Lizzie regarded him with cold loathing as she began to read.

  ‘I’ll skip the first bit and jump to the juicy parts shall I?’ Alex clasped his hands like a praying man.

  ‘So the honest truth is that I have been controlling your life for all these years. I have been letting you think that I was acting in your best interests, whereas really I have only ever been thinking of myself.’

  Lizzie looked down at Alex. ‘Intriguing isn’t it?’ she said mockingly. He closed his eyes and bowed his head as she continued.

  ‘I let you blame Mum and Dad for what happened, let you feel abandoned by them, let them think that you didn’t care any more and let you believe that you couldn’t come home. I allowed that to happen because the truth is that I liked being the favourite. Who doesn’t want to be the favourite and because you always followed me so blindly, it was easy to make that happen. I could have brought you back home, persuaded you to come back, but I didn’t because in reality, I didn’t want to.’

  ‘Quite revealing isn’t it?’ said Lizzie sarcastically. ‘Well just wait until you hear the next bit. It’s sensational.’ Alex kept his head bowed.

  ‘But that’s not the worst thing I’ve done Lizzie, although it’s probably bad enough. No, the worse thing I ever did was to let you believe that Alex didn’t care about the baby but you see, he didn’t know you were pregnant because I never gave him the note. And the reason I never gave him the note was because I wanted Alex to myself. The thing is that Alex and I have been lovers on and off since I was seventeen.’

  Lizzie stopped reading and stared at Alex’s bowed form. She put her head to one side, waiting for a reaction. ‘Well then, how does the accused plead?’ Alex looked up at her and Lizzie thought she could see tears in his eyes. It appalled her. ‘I’ll take that as a guilty plea shall I?’ He didn’t answer. ‘Oh don’t worry, it doesn’t end here. My perfect sister is just getting warmed up.’

  ‘I can’t justify any of this. I was selfish and controlling and I kept the truth from you. But now, it’s time to face it, Lizzie. I need you to see what a bitch I was. I need you to see that. It’s your biggest challenge yet. I want to ask for your forgiveness for everything but I would understand if you couldn’t get beyond hatred for me.’

  ‘Big of her, isn’t it?’ snapped Lizzie. She didn’t wait for a reply.

  ‘I do need you to understand that I regret it. I am facing my life and the person I was and I am ashamed. I wish I could go back and change the past but I can’t. All I can do is confess and hope and tell you that I am sorry.’

  ‘And that’s it,’ said Lizzie. ‘Apart from where she signs off with “Love Bea”, which we all know is a big fat lie because you don’t treat people you love like that do you?’ Alex didn’t r
eply. ‘Oh but you do don’t you, Alex, because that’s what you and Bea have done to me.’

  He looked at her sorrowfully. ‘I’m so sorry you’ve found out this way.’

  ‘No you’re not. You’re just sorry I found out at all,’ she snapped. ‘Well I know now so spill the beans.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Give me the details.’

  He swallowed. ‘Do you really want to do this, Lizzie?’

  ‘Oh yes, I want to know everything,’ she snarled. ‘So tell me.’

  Alex took a deep breath. ‘Bea would come to me when she wanted to escape.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Exactly that. It started when she was a teenager and she wanted to escape home and then later on it became a casual thing when she’d argued with Joe or later when she was ill.’

  ‘So she came to you for sex,’ said Lizzie in disgust. She felt as if they were discussing a stranger but her anger kept her focused.

  ‘It was more than that.’

  ‘Oh I’m sure. I expect you were soul-mates. So I presume this was going on while we were seeing each other?’

  ‘No, she put a stop to it then.’

  ‘That was big of her.’

  ‘She loved you, Lizzie.’

  Lizzie glared at him. ‘Well she had a bloody funny way of showing it. She controlled everything from my relationship with my parents to the future of my baby. If that’s love then I wouldn’t want to have a sister who hated me.’ A dawning realisation hit her. ‘Oh my God, Sam knew about you didn’t he?’

  Alex looked at the floor as he spoke. ‘It was the day Bea got the news that she wasn’t going to get better. She came round to see me. She always came here after her appointments.’

  ‘How cosy,’ said Lizzie. ‘Go on.’

  Alex glanced up at her sadly. ‘We had a rule that we didn’t talk about her illness while she was here and we had another rule that we didn’t kiss in public but I was so worried about her that day. As soon as I saw her walking along the road I ran down to greet her but Sam was cycling past on the other side of the street and he saw us.’

  ‘You selfish idiots,’ declared Lizzie. ‘Now I understand why Sam has been so angry. No wonder he hates you. I understand how he feels.’

  ‘Bea stopped coming after that. She told me that Sam’s feelings were more important.’

  ‘Aww, poor you,’ mocked Lizzie.

  ‘Bea tried to talk to him. I don’t think he understood what he’d witnessed.’

  ‘And you were so unsympathetic towards him, so cold. You should be ashamed of yourself.’

  ‘I didn’t want him to say anything in front of you because – ’

  ‘If you dare to say that you were trying to protect me, I will scream,’ said Lizzie, almost spitting the words. ‘You were just protecting your own skin but now you’ve been found out. And you’re not wriggling out of it this time.’

  Alex looked at her beseechingly. ‘Please Lizzie, you have to understand that this doesn’t change anything for me. I fell in love with you after Bea died. It was a completely new and wonderful thing and I still love you so very much. Nothing has changed.’

  Lizzie stared down at him. Her face was as hard as stone, her eyes narrowed in anger. ‘Everything has changed. And if you can’t see that then you’re a bigger idiot than I thought. It’s over,’ she said before storming from the room and slamming the door of his flat behind her.

  ******

  Lizzie was still shaking as she pulled up outside Joe and Sam’s house and switched off the engine. She couldn’t get the images of the photos and letters out of her mind and she couldn’t dispel the anger that fizzed in her brain.

  She glanced up at the house. She wasn’t sure what she was going to say but she knew she was in the right place. She breathed deeply to calm herself. Bea had made mistakes and Lizzie was going to make amends. She was the one in control now.

  She approached the house and knocked on the door. She heard someone pad down the hall before Joe opened the door. Her heart surged with affection as she looked up into his smiling face. She reached forwards and gave him a tight hug.

  ‘Hey Lizzie, this is a lovely surprise. To what do we owe the pleasure?’ he asked.

  ‘I need to talk to Sam,’ she said. ‘If that’s all right?’ She didn’t want to talk to Joe for too long. She was still so angry she feared that she might blurt out an unwanted truth. She didn’t care about Bea’s feelings now but she was fond of Joe. He didn’t deserve to be hurt.

  ‘Of course,’ smiled Joe. ‘He’s in his room. Do you want to go up?’ Lizzie nodded and walked briskly up the stairs. ‘Would you like a tea?’ called Joe from the kitchen.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Lizzie. She didn’t but she needed to buy some time.

  She tapped gently on Sam’s door. ‘Yep?’ She opened the door. He was sitting at his desk drawing. He turned to look at her and frowned, putting an arm over his work, as if she was trying to copy his homework.

  ‘Hey Sam,’ she said. ‘I need to talk to you. It’s important.’ He turned back to his drawing and carried on sketching. ‘It’s about Alex and your mum.’ He stopped drawing but didn’t turn around. ‘I know about them and you do too, don’t you?’ Sam didn’t reply. Lizzie walked towards him. She could see his sketch. It was of a gorilla, reminding her of the one they saw at the zoo all those months ago. ‘That’s really good, Sam,’ she said. ‘Can I see?’ He didn’t move at first but his shoulders were moving up and down and Lizzie realised that he was crying. She moved towards him and wrapped her arms around his body. He was still a boy. Just a boy trying to deal with problems that were far too big for him; too big for her if she was honest.

  ‘Why was she kissing him? Did she like him more than Dad? Does that mean she didn’t love us?’ he sobbed into her arms. She held onto him tightly and felt tears spring into her own eyes. The poor boy had witnessed something he didn’t understand and he’d carried it alone for so long.

  She knelt down in front of him and took his hands. ‘All I know is that your Mum made mistakes, some really big ones that hurt a lot of people, you and me included. But I also know truly and deeply that she loved you more than life and your dad too.’ Even though she was angry with her sister, Lizzie still believed that Bea loved Sam above all else and she knew that he needed to hear this. She put her arms around him and felt a sense of calm descend as her anger gave way to love for this boy; this poor lovely boy. He looked into her eyes and she wiped away his tears. ‘I’ve missed you,’ she said kissing the top of his head. She knew that she couldn’t take his hurt away but she would do her best to absorb some of it and make him see that she understood a little of what he was feeling.

  ‘Me too,’ he said.

  ‘You’ll be glad to know that Alex and I have split up.’

  Sam nodded. ‘I am glad. You deserve better, Auntie Lizzie.’ Lizzie smiled and stroked his hair.

  Joe appeared at the door with a mug of tea. ‘Everything all right in here?’ he asked, his brow furrowed with concern.

  Lizzie looked to Sam for an answer. ‘Everything’s fine, Dad,’ he said.

  ‘Did you see Sam’s picture?’ asked Lizzie.

  Joe approached the desk. ‘That’s wonderful, Sammy. You’re a rare talent, just like your mum,’ he smiled.

  He handed Lizzie her tea. ‘Thanks. I’ll be down in a sec,’ she said. Joe nodded and walked out of the room. Lizzie perched on the edge of Sam’s bed. ‘I’m sorry, Sam.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘For not realising what was going on.’

  ‘’s not your fault.’

  ‘It must have been hard carrying that secret round.’

  Sam shrugged. ‘I had to protect Dad,’ he said simply.

  Everyone’s trying to protect someone else, thought Lizzie. She reached out a hand and placed it on Sam’s shoulder. ‘Well you’re not alone now. You can talk to me. Any time. We can carry the secret round together if you like?�
�� Sam nodded with obvious relief.

  ‘I’m going to go downstairs to see your dad for a bit, okay?’

  ‘’kay.’

  Lizzie gave him one final hug and went downstairs. Joe was in the kitchen checking his e-mails.

  ‘Thanks for the tea,’ she said.

  ‘Is he okay?’ asked Joe, looking up from his laptop.

  Lizzie nodded. ‘He’s getting there.’

  ‘And what about you?’

  ‘Alex and I have split up.’

  ‘Oh I’m so sorry to hear that.’

  ‘Don’t be. It’s for the best.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  Lizzie nodded. She was sure.

  ‘Well I have to say you don’t seem too upset.’

  Lizzie smiled. ‘Do you know what? I think I had a lucky escape.’

  As Lizzie drove back home she felt remarkably in control for a woman whose world had just crashed around her ears. She was also surprised by the sense of relief which was now trickling into her brain. Things were different now. Her world had collapsed before and she had collapsed with it. The revelations of today had angered her deeply but the difference was that she had the inner strength to deal with it. She also knew that she was no longer alone. There were people she could turn to, people she cared about and who cared for her too. There was a world beyond her sister. All she had to do was reach for it.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Early July

  ‘With sharply detached notes. As in music. Eight letters.’

  ‘Staccato,’ said Mrs Nussbaum with authority.

  Lizzie wrote down the answer. ‘Sta-cca-to. What about a city in Burma? Also eight letters.’

  ‘Mandalay,’ said Mrs Nussbaum without missing a beat.

  ‘Mrs N, you’re on fire today!’

  ‘I have no idea what that means but I shall take it as a compliment.’

  Lizzie laughed. ‘You should.’

  The old lady fixed her with a searching look. ‘How are you feeling? It seems to me that you are not as upset as I thought you might be since you broke off your engagement to that man.’