Dear Lizzie

by Annie Lyons

  Lizzie considered this. It was true. She had expected the grief of heartbreak to come raining down on her head at some stage but it hadn’t. When she found out about Bea and Alex, she had felt angry and hurt of course but instead of crumpling under the weight of it all, she had emerged from the rubble with fresh determination. Two questions remained. Could she forgive her sister and would she read the final letter? She hadn’t decided yet. ‘I’m actually quite relieved,’ admitted Lizzie.

  ‘He wasn’t good enough for you Lizzie, but then I should think that very few men are,’ declared Mrs Nussbaum.

  Lizzie smiled. ‘I’m not sure about that.’

  ‘I am. You are a remarkable girl and you deserve to find someone just as remarkable.’

  ‘Well I’ll keep looking,’ said Lizzie. ‘And now, let’s finish that crossword shall we? I think we’re going to do it in record time today.’

  Around mid-afternoon, Lizzie decided to take Bambi for a walk. She checked her phone. There were no calls or texts from Alex yet today, which she took as a good sign. In the first few days after the revelations, she had switched off her phone due to the number of times he had tried to call her. Sometimes he left messages, which she deleted immediately along with the pleading texts and sometimes he just called and hung up. She was thinking about blocking his number but told herself that he would probably give up soon.

  ‘Come on, you,’ she said to the dog, fetching his lead. It was a hot day, the sun a shimmering ball in the hazy sky. Bambi was in less of a hurry today, happy to walk alongside her. She tied his lead to the hook outside the coffee shop and let him have a drink from the bowl Ben had thoughtfully set outside. ‘Just going to see if your friend wants to come out to play,’ she told the dog. Bambi barked his approval.

  She went inside. Susie was clearing tables. ‘Hey Susie. Okay if I pop in to see Ben?’ she asked.

  ‘Be my guest,’ smiled her friend.

  Lizzie made her way to the kitchen and pushed open the door. Ben looked up from his paperwork. The studious scowl on his pale and weary face dissolved into a warm smile. ‘Hello, stranger,’ he said.

  ‘Yes it’s been a while hasn’t it?’ smiled Lizzie. ‘So anyway, Bambi wanted to know if you fancied a walk?’

  Ben laughed. ‘Bambi?’

  ‘Uhuh.’

  ‘Not you?’

  Lizzie acted as if she was considering a weighty issue. ‘Ah you know, I’m not really that bothered but Bambi really wants you to come.’

  Ben grinned and threw down his pen. ‘Well if Bambi wants me to, who am I to say no?’

  They strolled to the park slowly. It was too hot to do much else. Once they reached the wide green space, Bambi made a brief attempt at a run before lolloping back to them, panting loudly.

  ‘Poor boy, it’s too hot, isn’t it? Come on, let’s find some shade by the cafe and Ben can buy us an ice cream,’ grinned Lizzie.

  ‘Oh I see. Now I know why I was invited,’ joked Ben.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’m a cheap date. Just a lemonade lolly for me please,’ said Lizzie.

  They found a bench in the shade and Bambi lay down, yawned and fell asleep. ‘I know how he feels,’ said Ben, returning with their ice creams. ‘A lemonade lolly for the lady and a Strawberry Split for the gentleman,’ he declared, taking a seat beside her on the bench. ‘So, how are you, Lizzie Harris? I was sorry to hear about you and Alex.’

  She shrugged. ‘Some things just aren’t meant to be.’

  ‘That sounds familiar.’

  Lizzie looked at him. ‘Susie told me about Fran. I’m sorry. Ben. It must have been a huge shock.’

  Ben nodded. ‘Actually, you know when you have this suspicion about someone and then you find out that it’s true? It was less of a shock and more of a relief really.’

  ‘Now that does sound familiar,’ sighed Lizzie.

  ‘How so?’ asked Ben through a mouthful of ice cream.

  Lizzie glanced at him. She hadn’t discussed what had happened with anyone but she realised that she wanted to tell Ben. She knew that he would understand. She took a deep breath. ‘I found out from one of Bea’s letters that she had been having an affair with Alex for years.’

  Ben looked appalled. ‘That’s terrible, Lizzie.’

  Encouraged by his reaction, she continued. ‘But the worst thing is that she let me think he didn’t care, she let me believe that Alex and Mum and Dad didn’t care. She let me run away and was happy for me to stay away so that she could live her life as she wanted to. She controlled my life and even worse than that, I let her.’

  Ben shook his head. ‘That’s incredible. You must be devastated.’

  She looked at him. ‘I am. Everything I thought I knew about Bea has been turned on its head. It feels as if our whole relationship was a lie. But you know the weird thing? I also feel sort of relieved, almost as if I’m being set free by the truth. Does that sound stupid?’

  He shook his head. ‘Not at all. It means you can live your life as you choose to.’

  ‘Like Lizzie the brave?’ she said with a knowing smile.

  He laughed. ‘Wow, who came up with that? That is genius.’ He nudged her on the arm. ‘So we’re a couple of damaged items aren’t we?’

  She laughed. ‘Destined to be on the shelf forever?’

  He smiled. ‘You can sit next to me if you want.’

  She nodded and they sat for a while in silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence though. It was a contented silence. It was the silence of two people who understood one another and it occurred to Lizzie that this was a good thing. It didn’t come around every day or even every lifetime.

  Her phoned buzzed with a call and she sighed. She looked down at the screen. It was the bookshop number. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I have to get this.’ Ben nodded. ‘Mrs N?’ she said. ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Lizzie? That man Alex is here and he says he will not leave until he has spoken to you. Shall I hit him with my stick?’

  Lizzie’s heart sank. ‘It’s all right, Mrs N. I’ll come back.’

  She felt Ben watching her closely as they walked back to the shop. ‘Will you be all right?’ he asked.

  She gave him a grateful smile. ‘I’ll be fine. I’ll bring him into the coffee shop if it makes you feel better.’

  Ben looked into her eyes. ‘I would just hate to see you get hurt again.’

  Lizzie leant over and kissed him on the cheek. ‘You’re a good man, Ben Livingston,’ she said.

  As they reached the parade of shops, Lizzie spotted Alex standing in the bookshop staring at the floor whilst Mrs Nussbaum glared at him from behind the till. ‘I’ll see you in a bit, okay?’ she said to Ben. He grabbed hold of her hand and pressed it between his own hands, his warm brown eyes still fixed on hers and then he let go and went into the coffee shop. It was a small, tender gesture but it gave Lizzie the courage she needed. She led Bambi into the shop. As soon as he saw her, Alex moved forwards. Bambi gave a low and threatening growl. Alex took a step back.

  ‘He doesn’t like Scheissenhosen,’ hissed Mrs Nussbaum.

  ‘We’re going to go next door, Mrs N, if that’s okay?’ said Lizzie.

  ‘Natürlich, my dear, just don’t let him talk you round, verstanden?’

  ‘Verstanden,’ repeated Lizzie.

  She led him into the coffee shop which contained very few customers now. Lizzie noticed Ben standing behind the counter, his face serious. He didn’t take his eyes off Alex for a second. Susie was clearing tables and looked up in surprise.

  ‘Lizzie? Is everything all right?’ she asked, eyeing Alex with suspicion.

  ‘Everything’s fine. Thanks, Susie,’ she said. ‘We’re just going to have a little chat and then Alex is going to leave. For good.’ She sat down at a table in the corner and gestured for him to do the same.

  He looked pathetic; pale and pathetic. His face was drawn, his shoulders hunched and he looked as if he hadn’t shaved for a week. If Lizzie didn’t hate him so much, she might have
felt sorry for him. ’What do you want?’ She kept her voice level and calm.

  ‘I just want to talk to you,’ he said. ‘You weren’t answering my calls.’

  ‘Hardly surprising,’ she remarked.

  ‘No, of course.’ The confident charmer was gone now. He had been replaced by a man defeated by his own mistakes.

  Don’t feel sorry for him, Lizzie. ‘So talk,’ she said coldly.

  He looked around the coffee shop. Susie was pretending not to listen. Ben hadn’t moved from his sentry position behind the counter. ‘Can we go somewhere more private?’

  ‘These are my friends,’ said Lizzie. ‘They know everything. You can say what needs to be said in front of them.’

  ‘All right,’ said Alex sounding unsure.

  ‘So talk.’

  He gave her a pleading look. ‘I love you, Lizzie.’

  Lizzie looked him directly in the eye. ‘I don’t believe you.’

  ‘It’s true. I loved Bea, but now I love you.’

  Lizzie was appalled. ‘Working your way through the family were you? You disgust me.’

  Alex looked at her pleadingly. ‘It wasn’t like that. My love for you is something completely separate.’

  ‘How can it be? She was my sister for God’s sake. You let me fall in love with you and all the time you knew this secret – this bloody awful secret. How could you do that?’

  ‘I’m sorry. I should have told you but after we met, everything happened so quickly. I fell in love with you so fast. It didn’t have anything to do with Bea. It was something new and different. I didn’t want to spoil it. I just wanted to make you happy.’

  Lizzie threw up her hands. ‘Now you do sound like Bea. Do you honestly think you could keep that secret from me forever?’

  ‘I don’t know. I didn’t want to hurt you. I love you.’

  ‘Well I don’t love you.’ Alex looked crushed and Lizzie did her best to dismiss any feelings of sympathy. ‘It’s finished, Alex. You have to see that.’

  He tried to reach out to her but she kept her hands firmly in her lap. ‘It can’t be, Lizzie. We can make it work. We’ve got history. We can start again.’

  ‘It’s too late,’ she said standing up.

  ‘Please,’ he begged. ‘Give me another chance to prove it. Just one more chance and if I fail then I promise I’ll never bother you again.’

  He took hold of her hands. ‘We were happy, weren’t we? We were going to have a wonderful life together. We could still have that.’ Lizzie tried to wrest her hands free but he clung on tighter.

  ‘Let go, Alex,’ she said.

  ‘Leave her alone,’ said a voice behind them. They turned to see Ben, his face simmering with anger, his fists clenched.

  Alex walked towards him. ‘This is none of your business,’ he said.

  ‘Well I’m prepared to make it my business,’ replied Ben. Alex gave him a shove but Ben stood still. ‘I don’t think we really want to go down that road do we?’ He shoved him again. There was a sudden deft punch from Ben leaving Alex reeling, clutching his bloodied nose.

  ‘Stop it! Both of you!’ cried Lizzie throwing up her arms in despair.

  ‘Sorry, Lizzie. But someone should have done that a long time ago,’ said Ben, glaring at Alex.

  Lizzie touched him on the arm. ‘Maybe but you need to calm down, Ben. Please. For me.’ Lizzie looked up at him and from the way he gazed down at her, she sensed that he would do whatever she asked.

  He held up his hands and stood back. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘But I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me, okay?’

  Lizzie nodded gratefully. ‘Okay.’

  ‘To be honest, if Ben hadn’t done it then I would have,’ said Susie, giving Alex a filthy look before turning back to Lizzie. ‘I’m going to see if he’s okay,’ she added.

  Lizzie nodded. ‘I’ll speak to you later.’

  Alex turned to Lizzie, an imploring look on his face. ‘I love you, Lizzie. You have to believe that. There’s nothing to stop us being together now. We know everything about each other. We can move on and build a happy life together,’ he said.

  She stared into his eyes. There was some truth in this. He had made her happy. It would be easy to carry on, to blame everything on Bea and move forwards into the future with Alex.

  ‘I don’t see how we can,’ she said.

  Alex grasped her by the shoulders, sensing that she might be open to persuasion. ‘Bea tried to control both our lives but this is our chance to take back control. We can do this, Lizzie. Can’t you see? It’s meant to be.’

  Lizzie’s mind was spinning. She wasn’t sure what to think. She felt so sure that she had made up her mind but now, standing here with Alex, she could see that he had been as much a victim of Bea’s actions as she had. His face was so open, so eager to do anything she asked of him.

  ‘Why don’t we go back to your flat and talk? Properly. You can ask me anything you want.’

  At the mention of home, Lizzie thought about Bea’s final letter. She had left it on the side earlier that morning, unsure whether she wanted to open it or not. She looked at Alex. She didn’t want to talk. She needed to be on her own.

  ‘You should go,’ she said.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m sure.’

  ‘Will you call me?’ he implored. ‘Tell me what you decide.’

  She gave a brief nod before walking out of the coffee shop without a backward glance.

  Later that evening back in her flat, Lizzie poured a glass of wine and fetched Bea’s final letter. The anxiety of reading Bea’s wishes was gone now but despite everything, despite the hurt, the control and the betrayal, Lizzie felt a pang of sadness that this would be the final communication from her sister. She took a sip of wine and began to read.

  Dear Lizzie,

  So now you know everything. You have seen your sister for what she really is and I expect you hate me for what I’ve done. You’ll never hate me as much as I hate myself though. It’s a dying woman’s prerogative to self-loathe if she wants to.

  I knew there was always a danger that you might not read this letter. I think I’d be in two minds as well but I hope you do because this is where I try to explain things as best I can.

  On the day I got my final diagnosis, I went back to the car and sat for an hour, thinking about my life. I thought about the people I cared most about and about how I could protect them after I’d gone. I thought of you and how unhappy you were and I thought about the part I’d played in causing that unhappiness. That’s when I decided to write the letters.

  Everyone has a role in life. Mine has always been chief protector in our family. You might say that there’s a fine line between protecting and controlling and that I went too far. You’re right of course. Every action is a moment in time; a split-second decision with consequences spreading through life like ripples on a pond and I can see that the consequences of my actions have lasted a lifetime.

  I am especially sorry for the hurt I have caused you and Sam. That’s why I tried to bring you together. I knew that if I could do that, it would go some way to helping you both through that hurt. My dearest wish is that Sam will learn to forgive me in time, that he will remember his mother as a human being, who tried and failed at times but who loved him more than life itself. Love and forgiveness, Lizzie, that’s all there is.

  I am sorry too for the years you were left feeling abandoned by Mum and Dad and my part in that. I hope that by coming back into Mum’s life, you have been able to understand that she and Dad always loved you.

  As the thought of death approaches, I feel increasingly candid about my life (some might say I’ve always been that way). I will try to explain the situation with Alex. You may hate me for what I have done and I don’t know if you can forgive me but at least you might understand.

  Did you ever want to escape your life and go back to the time when you were happiest? I did. Sometimes I just wanted to escape being a big sister or a wife or a care
er woman or a mother or a cancer sufferer. I wanted to be as carefree as a child, with no worries and no responsibilities. That is why I turned to Alex. He made me forget and allowed me to be the person I wanted to be. This isn’t an excuse. It’s just the truth. I saw Alex as something separate from my real life, which is why I can say with my hand on my heart that I love Joe and Sam more than anything. I’ve told lies and I’ve caused pain but that is the honest truth.

  And so, Lizzie, I hope these letters have allowed you to see the person you want to be. I would say that I want you to be happy but I hope you know that already. I think most of all, I want you to break free from the past, break free of me and any hurt I’ve caused you.

  I hope you believe that deep down everything I’ve done has been done out of love. Some people love too much.

  Be happy, dear Lizzie, and be free.

  All my love,

  Bea xxx

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Late July

  One Year Since Bea’s Death

  As she woke that morning, Lizzie’s mind brimmed with excitement. She had made a decision; a very important decision and she couldn’t wait to put it into action. In the weeks following Bea’s revelations and the fall-out with Alex, Lizzie’s thoughts had been preoccupied with love and forgiveness. Bea had been right about that at least.

  After their conversation in the coffee shop, it had been Alex’s turn to write Lizzie a letter. He had poured out his feelings in a way that surprised even Lizzie. After a lot of consideration, she had called him. She could tell that he was overjoyed to hear from her.

  ‘I read your letter,’ she said.

  ‘And?’

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Please Lizzie, just come and meet me. I know I can make you see how much I love you. We were happy, weren’t we? Please. Will you at least hear me out?’

  Lizzie had to admit that his pleas sounded genuine. Maybe he was just a victim of Bea’s controlling ways. And he was right. They had been happy.