Dear Lizzie

by Annie Lyons

  She was just filling the kettle when she heard the phone ring. She knew immediately who it would be. Her mother had taken to calling her first thing in the morning as she was having her breakfast. She had admitted that it was her loneliest time. Stella had confided that she couldn’t quite believe she’d ever had a chaotic family life, bustling children off to school and husband off to work before she went about her day. Lizzie knew that her mother’s world had shrunk, but she also knew that Stella Harris never allowed pity to take hold, hence the phone calls.

  ‘Hello, Mum,’ she said. Stella had told her that those two words made her feel complete; a welcome and your role in life confirmed. Lizzie could picture her now sitting at the breakfast table, her pot of tea steeping before her, a plate of crumbs left after her morning toast.

  ‘Good morning, Lizzie. How are you feeling today?’

  ‘I’m all right. I can’t believe a year has passed already.’

  ‘I know.’ A pause – a moment’s reflection. ‘You’re still coming over later aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes. I’ll be there.’ Stella had wanted to get together with Sam and Joe to mark Bea’s first anniversary. Lizzie was going because her mother wanted her to and because Sam needed her to. That was all. She was still processing Bea’s final letter; still coming to terms with her sister’s true character but she would not let it get in the way of the life she had now. She loved that life.

  Stella was telling her about the garden. Apparently, the grass had shot up since last week’s rain and the sweet peas were looking quite unruly. She would phone the gardener to see if he could pop round next week.

  Lizzie enjoyed listening to the small details of her mother’s life. She never could have imagined this a year ago. Now she took pleasure in it.

  ‘We’re going to have to do something about Joe,’ said Stella, moving briskly from sweet peas to affairs of the heart as only a mother could.

  ‘Are we?’

  ‘Yes. He spends too much time worrying about other people. He needs to create some new memories and find a world outside his family. I love him dearly and he and Sam are welcome any time but there is more to life than a shepherd’s pie cooked by your mother-in-law!’

  ‘Well, quite.’

  ‘It’s the grief you see. You don’t just get over it like a cold do you?’

  ‘No you don’t.’

  ‘Anyway, Sam has a plan so all will be revealed later,’ said Stella with a certain amount of glee.

  ‘I must say I didn’t think you’d be the one to be encouraging Joe to move on,’ said Lizzie.

  ‘And why ever not? I miss my mother, Jack and your sister every single day but I will not let their passing destroy my life and Joe mustn’t either.’

  ‘Have you thought about dating again, Mum?’

  ‘Don’t be coarse, Lizzie,’ said Stella but it was clear from her tone that she was amused.

  ‘Come on, Mum, you’re still young at heart.’

  ‘Well, never say never I suppose. Now, did I tell you about that woman I bumped into in Tesco the other day?’

  ‘No.’ And Stella was off with another story. Lizzie smiled. After they had finished the call, she made her own breakfast before getting dressed. She moved around her flat with a sense of purpose, ready to put her plan into action. She felt nervous and excited but told herself that she was making the right decision.

  She picked up her keys and bag from the side in the kitchen and before she left, she glanced at the card that Bea had made for her birthday. It was now stuck to the fridge with a magnet. She stared at their grinning faces; frozen in time, forever carefree and young. ‘Time to be happy,’ she said to the photograph before heading for the door.

  ***

  Lizzie climbed out of the car, her heart pounding in her ears. This was either the best idea she’d ever had or the worst. She told herself to get a grip and walked with purpose towards the door. She hesitated before reaching out her hand to ring the bell. She peered up at the windows. There were no signs of life and she couldn’t hear anyone inside. She pressed the buzzer. After a long minute, the intercom clicked into life and a voice said. ‘Hello?’

  Lizzie almost turned on her heels but she forced herself to speak. ‘It’s Lizzie. Can I come in?’

  The only reply was the sound of the door-lock being released. Lizzie pushed against it and took a deep breath as she made her way up the stairs.

  He was waiting for her on the landing. She had never felt more pleased to see anyone in her entire life. His face looked so familiar and so welcoming. He was smiling at her. It was a knowing smile and it made her realise that this was the right decision. She reached the top of the stairs and stood in front of him. She still wasn’t sure what to say so she reached out a hand and stroked the side of his face. It was bristly and soft and in that moment the impulse to kiss him overtook her. She felt his arms pull her into his body as they moved together. She cupped her hands around his face and kissed his cheek, mouth and neck. It was as if she was coming home. She breathed in the musky, warm scent of him and felt a thrill of pure joy.

  They stood back and looked at one another. ‘Here you are,’ he said with a smile.

  ‘Here I am,’ she laughed. ‘Are you surprised to see me?’

  ‘A little.’

  ‘Well I had some things to think about.’

  ‘I see. And did you come to any conclusion?’

  ‘I did.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘I was wondering if we could start again. That is if you’ve got nothing else planned?’

  He grinned. ‘I can’t think of anything at the moment.’

  She moved towards him again and the next kiss was passionate and full of promise. They moved backwards into the flat, still kissing as they shut the door behind them.

  ‘You know that I love you, don’t you?’ he asked looking into her eyes.

  ‘I can assure you that the feeling is mutual,’ she grinned. ‘Now kiss me again before I change my mind.’

  ***

  The sun was high in the sky, beating hot and relentless across the graveyard. The air shimmered with heat as insects buzzed and darted through the haze. Lizzie made her way in through the gate and paused to look at her mother, Joe and Sam standing by the graves. She smiled at the sight of them and called out as she walked. She felt heady with happiness.

  ‘Auntie Lizzie!’ cried Sam, darting towards her. Lizzie reached out her arms and caught him in a hug that felt as uncomplicated as love should be.

  ‘Hey, Sammy,’ she said, smiling down at him. ‘Is this the point where I tell you how much you’ve grown?’

  ‘If you want me to die of boredom,’ joked Sam. ‘Oh look out, that old witch is on her broomstick,’ he added pointing at Evelyn, who was making her way over to Stella, waving and smiling.

  ‘We better go and rescue Granny and Dad,’ said Lizzie.

  ‘Hello, Stella. Joe,’ Evelyn was saying, her voice loaded with sympathy. ‘And how are you?’ she added, reaching out a consoling arm and squeezing Stella on the shoulder.

  ‘I’m fine,’ said Stella, her lips pursed with impatience.

  Evelyn nodded, cocking her head on one side and screwing her face into one of shared pain. ‘It must be so hard for you all,’ she said. ‘I feel for you, I really do.’

  ‘We’re actually okay,’ piped up Sam, wrapping an arm around Stella’s waist. ‘It’s a year since Mum died and we’re having a party tonight and letting off a Chinese lantern.’

  Stella hugged Sam tightly and smiled at Evelyn. ‘Thank you for your concern, Evelyn dear, but as you can see my life is really rather wonderful.’

  Evelyn pursed her lips and nodded. ‘Well if you’ll excuse me, I must attend to the flowers. See you later,’ she said.

  ‘Not if I see you first,’ muttered Stella under her breath. She kissed Sam on the forehead. ‘Right, shall we sort these flowers then?’ Stella pulled the dead flowers out of the vase on Jack’s grave and emptied the water onto the grass.
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br />   ‘Can I help?’ asked Sam.

  Stella smiled and handed him the sweet peas. ‘Save some for your Mum,’ she said. He arranged them carefully in the first vase and poured water from the bottle that Stella had brought with her. ‘Lovely,’ declared Stella as he handed them to her. She inhaled their scent and held them up for Lizzie to smell. ‘Picked from the garden this morning,’ she said proudly. She placed them on Jack’s headstone, before fetching the vase from Bea’s. She looked at Joe, who was standing back a little. ‘Shall we let your dad do these ones?’ she said.

  Sam nodded and gave his father a nudge. Joe moved forwards and arranged the remaining flowers before placing them on his wife’s grave. He took a step back and glanced round at them. He looked utterly lost.

  Sam approached him and took his hand. ‘It’s okay, Dad,’ he said. ‘I’m here.’

  Lizzie could feel the tears form in her eyes at his words. She took Joe’s other hand and put an arm around her mother’s shoulder. ‘We’re all here,’ she said. They stood for a moment remembering lost lives and cherished memories.

  They walked back to Stella’s house as the heat of the day started to lose its intensity.

  ‘Now who’s for a gin and tonic with plenty of ice?’ asked Stella.

  ‘Me!’ cried Sam.

  Stella laughed. ‘I’ll get you a coke.’

  ‘Yes please,’ said Lizzie. ‘Joe?’

  ‘Why not?’ smiled Joe.

  They carried their drinks into the garden and sat around the large wooden table enjoying the warmth of the early evening.

  ‘I’ll put out some tea-lights in a while,’ said Stella. ‘Sammy can light them for me, can’t you?’

  Sam gave an enthusiastic nod. ‘When can we do the Chinese lantern?’

  ‘When it gets dark,’ said Stella. ‘Anyway, didn’t you have something you wanted to say to your Dad?’ she added with a conspiratorial wink.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Sam. ‘So Dad, it’s been a year and I think it’s time you got a girlfriend.’

  Joe nearly spat his drink down his front. ‘Really?’

  ‘Really. And Granny thinks so too and so does Auntie Lizzie and probably Mum for all I know.’

  ‘Right, well that’s good to know,’ said Joe, glancing round at them with considerable embarrassment.

  ‘Because you don’t want to end up alone and sad after I leave home,’ said Sam gravely.

  ‘And is that imminent?’ asked Joe, glancing over at Lizzie, who was trying not to laugh.

  Sam gave him a stern look. ‘Please, Dad. This is serious.’

  ‘Sorry, Sammy,’ said Joe folding his lips together in an attempt to suppress his amusement.

  ‘So Granny and I have been talking and we’ve set you up on a dating website.’

  Joe was open-mouthed. ‘Have you indeed?’

  ‘We have. It’s a really good one for older people like you,’ said Sam with a grin. Stella laughed.

  ‘Oi! Less of the old.’

  ‘So will you give it a go? Pleease? You’ve already had five people get in touch.’

  ‘Really?’ said Joe, looking rather pleased.

  ‘Well done, Joe!’ cried Stella.

  Joe laughed and held up his hands in defeat. ‘Okay. Just a quick look, but no promises.’

  ‘Yesss!’ said Sam punching the air.

  ‘Good work, Agent Sam,’ said Lizzie.

  ‘Thank you, Agent Lizzie,’ said Sam giving her a salute. Everyone laughed.

  Stella finished her drink and stood up. ‘Right, I’ll go and get the dinner ready. It’s just quiche and salad so I hope that’s okay.’

  Everyone made positive murmurs. ‘I’ll give you a hand,’ said Joe following her into the kitchen.

  Lizzie smiled at Sam. ‘Shall we do the tea-lights?’

  ‘Yess!’

  As they set about lighting them, Lizzie looked at Sam’s face in the flickering candlelight. He was growing up fast; she noticed a difference even in the short time she had known him. ‘So how are you feeling about everything after a year then?’

  Sam shrugged. ‘I dunno. I thought about what you said and I guess I know that Mum did love me.’

  ‘She did, Sammy. It’s very important that you believe that.’

  He nodded. ‘She loved you too, you know?’

  Lizzie smiled and put an arm around her nephew. ‘I know.’

  ‘Here we are then,’ said Stella, carrying a tray into the garden loaded with plates, cutlery and food. Joe followed behind carrying a bottle of wine and three glasses. It was a beautiful evening, the light fading now to a deep orange in the summer sky, the air still warm. Stella stood back to admire the table. ‘It looks wonderful,’ she declared before handing out the plates. ‘Help yourselves.’

  After they had finished, Lizzie sat back in her chair and picked up her wine glass. ‘That was delicious, Mum. Thank you.’

  Stella beamed with pride. ‘It’s lovely to have you all here,’ she said. ‘And I think we should have a toast.’ She raised her glass and looked at Lizzie. ‘To reunited families!’

  ‘To reunited families!’ they chorused.

  ‘ Now, what’s for dessert, Mum? Have you magicked up another one of those pavlovas?’

  Stella smiled at her daughter. ‘I have actually. Would we all like some?’

  ‘Can we let off the lantern for Mum first?’ asked Sam.

  ‘Of course,’ said Stella.

  Sam ran inside, returning minutes later with the lantern and a box of matches. He handed them to Joe, who opened the packet and extracted the instructions. He frowned as he read them. ‘Oh I’m not sure about this. It tells you not to let them off near houses or trees,’ he said, looking around him at the houses and trees.

  Sam’s face fell. ‘Oh, it will be fine,’ said Stella dismissing his concerns with a wave of her hand. ‘Come on. Let’s go out onto the middle of the lawn.’ Sam hugged his grandmother and walked with her onto the grass. Joe and Lizzie followed. They unfolded the lantern and Joe searched for the wick.

  ‘Can I light it Dad, please?’ said Sam.

  ‘Okay but be careful,’ replied Joe.

  ‘I will.’ Sam struck a match with care. There wasn’t much breeze but it went out immediately.

  ‘Here I’ll help you,’ said Lizzie, moving forwards and cupping her hands to shield the flame from the breeze. Sam struck another match and this time it stayed alight. He reached forwards and lit the wick. The flame burned brightly. Joe held up the lantern.

  ‘Ready?’ he said. Sam nodded and he let go. The lantern flew a couple of feet into the air before crashing to the ground. ‘Damn,’ said Joe, retrieving it and holding it up for a second go. The same thing happened.

  ‘Let me try,’ said Sam. He retrieved it and held it up in the evening breeze. Slowly, the lantern began to inflate. Lizzie watched the concentration on his face and felt her heart fill with love for him. Sam let go and the lantern began to float tentatively upwards. It was like watching something move in slow motion.

  ‘It’s going to set fire to the tree!’ cried Joe. Sam and Lizzie nudged one another, suppressing their nervous giggles.

  A sudden gust of breeze took the lantern up and up. It drifted high above the trees, up into the sky. They stood together watching it float away until it was a tiny speck of light hovering above them.

  Lizzie felt her mother slip an arm through hers and they stood for a moment in silence. ‘I meant to ask if you ever carried out all of Bea’s wishes?’ asked Stella, still looking up into the sky.

  Lizzie nodded. ‘I did. Every single one.’

  ‘And have they made you happy?’

  Lizzie looked at Sam, who was staring up into the sky and at Joe standing with a protective arm around his son. She rested her head against her mother’s arm and smiled. ‘Do you know, Mum? I think they have. Very happy indeed.’

  Epilogue

  One Year Later

  Lizzie stood in the sunlit graveyard, listening to the birdsong, watching as a pai
r of cabbage white butterflies flitted amongst the abundance of pink foxgloves. The world was bright and alive and yet calm and peaceful too.

  A vase filled with purple sweet peas had been placed carefully beneath Bea’s headstone. Lizzie stepped forwards and tied a rolled-up letter to one of the stems. She paused for a moment before turning and walking along the path towards the gate.

  Dear Bea,

  I thought it was only fair that I write you a letter. I felt the need to get it all down on paper. Your wishes caused an avalanche in my life and it’s only now, two years after your death, that I can make proper sense of it all.

  By the time I’d finished reading your letters, I hated you – hated you for what you did to Joe, to Sam, to me and even Mum and Dad. You were selfish and controlling and you very nearly ruined my life but at least you tried to make amends. You stood up and told me what I needed to know and I can see that this took courage.

  Your letters made me see what had really happened in the past and how I let my love and trust in you influence my actions. The fact that I never saw Dad before he died was partly down to you and that will stay with me until the day I die. I wish I’d been stronger. That was my fault and I have to live with it. I let you tell me what to do because in truth, I would do anything for you, Bea. You were my darling big sis, my best friend and I trusted you completely.

  When I finally found out the truth about you and Alex, I thought I’d lost you for good. I couldn’t see a way past my anger until I realised that you had given me the strength to feel that anger in the first place. Your letters stopped me being Lizzie the victim and forced me to take control of my life. That is the main reason why I can forgive you. I can’t waste precious energy on being angry with someone who isn’t there any more and you can’t truly forgive someone if you are still angry with them.

  If losing you, Dad and Granny has taught me anything, it is how short, precious and fragile life is. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hating you because I can’t. I love you. It’s as simple as that.

  Your letters sent ripples through our family but a lot of good came out of them. I see Mum a lot and even though a raised eyebrow or sigh from her can drive me wild with irritation, it is good to have a Mum in my life again. She’s a fantastic grandmother to Sam but I guess you knew that. And he really is the apple of my eye. I adore him completely, even though he likes to tell me often what a loser I am. Joe is doing pretty well. Sam and Mum set him up on a dating website and he dutifully went out with a couple of women. There haven’t been any strong contenders but he seems happier. Oh and Grandpa has settled into his new home and has a girlfriend! Her name is Mavis and they enjoy taking walks by the sea and arguing with Huw Edwards when the News is on.