by M. T. Ossler
The last few days, no, the last few months, honestly, I’ve been suffocating. Since he kidnapped and tortured me and took my family away. There were days in that cellar I wished for death. I prayed for God to take the pain and misery away. Days I didn’t want to see the next sunrise or moon fall or take another breath. Life to just stop and be gone. Burning in hell for eternity for being gay would have been better than what I had to tolerate in that basement. The only thing that kept me going was Bella and Jules’ beautiful faces, and not wanting to put them through the loss of another loved one. I love my girls, but I don’t think they are enough to keep me together. I’m more of a burden than anything to them these days. They have men and a new life; they don’t need my shit. I won’t burden them with my troubles.
“Ces, you need to eat and take your pills. Jules said you’ve barely eaten all weekend and haven’t taken your pills. I know you have to be hurting. She’s worried about you and so am I. What’s going on with you, kid? Is the pain that bad, or is something else bothering you?” he asks, concerned. When I don’t answer, he goes around to the side of the bed and sits next to me. He lifts the covers up, I can feel him slide down, and rub my back. The second his hand touches me; the tears start to fall from my eyes. Silently, they flow down my face, I lay there frozen and try not to sob.
Why can’t people around here just do what I ask and leave me in my hell alone! Let me be miserable by myself. They have lives outside my room, and they need to live them. I don’t have one, so why are they bothering with me? Get a clue guys, and go the fuck away!
“Get the fuck out of my room! Please,” I whisper loud enough for him to hear my words. I don’t want him to hear how shaken my voice would sound. I feel so broken and lost inside. I don’t know where I belong or how to go on anymore.
He doesn’t leave or move right away. A minute later, he finally removes his hand from my back. When I feel the bed move under me, I breathe a sigh of relief that he’s doing what I asked. Then, the bed dips, and I feel him coming closer to me. He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around my waist with my back flat to his chest. Resting his head on my shoulder, his hot breath fans my ear and warms my body up. No man has ever held me, intimately, only my Jules and Bells have. This feels so right. I shiver under his touch from the connection of our covered bodies. His warmth cocoons me and... I’m safe, the demons have left the room, for now. So, why am I crying harder, bawling in his arms? Why does it still hurt in some ways?
Why am I living in hell? Why am I still breathing for another day?
Where the hell did that come from?
“Ces, talk to me?” he whispers, I shiver a no to him. “Okay, I can just hold you, if you want?” I nod my head yes and continue to cry in his arms, against his warm body protecting me from the world, and the monsters outside this room.
We stay in bed for hours, under the covers, and he just holds me. No words are said, I cry a little more, and then I finally fall asleep, a peaceful sleep for a few hours. Ryder stays in bed with me the whole time, comforting me. Holding me. I never want to leave this bed again. I don’t want to face the world or my friends. I only want this bubble with Ryder, forever.
“Do you want to eat some dinner with me and maybe take a pill?” he whispers in my ear in the pitch-black room, before I can answer him he adds. “I’ll stay in this room, in this bed for however long you want. I won’t leave you again, Ces. If you want me to stay, I’ll keep the girls away for a while. The only thing I’m gonna ask of you... You have to talk to me, Ces. You need to let me in. You can tell me anything, no judgment, no pressure. When you’re ready, I’m here. Just please tell me what you need. Seeing you like this is killing me. I want to help you, I just don’t know how. I’ll do anything for you, tell me what you need. Please.”
I slowly turn around in his arms, lifting my heavy casted leg, and bury my face under his chin, in his neck. “I can’t see the girls. I don’t want to see anyone, but you. Being in your arms is the only thing keeping me breathing. I want all the pain to go away, the physical and mental. Please take it all away, Ry, make me stop hurting. This isn’t me,” I sob into the crook of his neck. He holds me closer and tightens his grip on me. Under these covers, it’s just us and nothing can touch me. He keeps the demons away.
“I’ve got you. No one will ever hurt you again. You have my word. I’ll text Beast and Ace to keep the girls away until you’re ready to see them,” he promises me, and I believe him.
“Will you eat dinner with me, I’m starving. I could order pizza, Chinese, Mexican, whatever you want. But you have to eat something for me, please.” I can hear the pleading in his voice. He wants to be here, and he wants to help me. It sounds like I’m hurting him... is that possible? Could I, Cesare, really be causing this man pain?
“I could eat a taco, a quesadilla or a chalupa, I guess,” I say actually feeling a little hungry. I’ll take my pain pill too if it will make him happy. I’ll do anything he wants me to.
“Perfect, Mexican food is my favorite. There is this place around the corner that’s the best. I’ll send a prospect to go get it for us,” he says, taking out his phone. The screen lights up, and I can see his face. He looks tired and stressed, deeply. His normally handsome face has worry lines around his eyes. I hate seeing him like this. I’ll do better for him. He’s so beautiful, he shouldn’t have to be bothered with the likes of me.
He places a few texts, then turns off the phone.
“Thank you,” I whisper into his shoulder.
“Ces, you never have to thank me. I want to help you and be here with you. You have awakened feelings inside me I never knew existed, and I want to pursue them, with you. I literally feel like a noose is around my heart from the pain your feeling, it’s unbearable. I want to take it from you and see you happy. Like you were the day you saw Bella and Jules when you arrived here.”
Where did this sweet man come from? Did God send him to me to make up for all the bad? Can I actually be loved? My gut tells me, I may already be loved by this man, we just don’t know it yet.
I stay silent in his arms, not knowing how to answer him. We stay like that for a while, and then the knock at the door breaks us apart. Ryder leaves me to retrieve our dinner. He turns the lights on, engulfing the room in a bright glow. I hate the light, but I won’t complain if it keeps him with me longer.
We watch TV while eating our dinner together in bed. He has a movie on, but I’m not watching. I steal glances at the handsome, sexy man next to me. He’s strong, muscular, tattooed; every man and woman’s wet dream. Dreamy green eyes that send me to another planet and see straight through me. Just sitting next to him has my cock hard for the first time in years. One touch and I could cum.
How did I get so lucky to have a man like him in my life? After all the shit I went through is he my reward for surviving it? Is he the reason I lived? Is this God’s will?
He’s definitely older than me, close to Val’s age, I think, and it doesn’t bother me. He probably would never be interested in a guy my age, though. He’s just being nice to the new kid on the block. He’s sweet with a big heart. I noticed the first day I was here. I also saw how close he is with the Prez, Gator. Maybe he’s just hanging around me as a duty to his Club or Beast? That’s got to be it, no one would willingly stay with me like this.
Fuck, who knows what this guy’s deal is, but I like the way I can breathe when he’s around. Like I can get through another day without the world closing in on me. So, maybe I’ll treat him like a pet to get through this rough patch.
I eat half my quesadilla and take my pill. Then I’m out in dreamland in Ryder’s arms for the night.
For the next few days, Ryder stays in my room, in bed, alone with me, like he promised. He gets me to talk and open up. We talk about everything, from our childhood to my time in the Castellani’s basement. I don’t fill him in on all the nasty details, though. Getting to know each other very well is wonderful. He is a really nice guy, genuine, definitely gay and i
nto me. He even told me about his monthly trips. But he’s holding back with me for some reason. Maybe it’s because of his brothers.
I won’t push; just having him near me is enough. He gets me up out of bed every day for a shower and has me eating right.
Today, I get to see the doctor and possibly have my cast removed. Then, I have to start physical therapy. Beast and Sam, have it all set up for a therapist to come here twice a week for me. Ryder is even taking me today, we’re supposed to meet Sam in an hour.
I’m in the bathroom, and I should be getting ready, but instead, I’m cutting my upper thigh on my right leg. Not too deep, just enough to feel. I need to feel pain. Beast ordered new clothes for me, and shoes. I had nothing when I arrived here. He said I can go home and pack my things and come back, or I can stay home once Antonio has been dealt with. The girls want me to stay here, but I haven’t decided what I want yet. I’d hate to leave my loveys, so we’ll see.
Then, I hear the bedroom door open, and I freeze.
I’ve been sitting on the toilet seat for the last ten minutes trying to get my underwear up. I don’t want to ask for help, but I can’t make myself move no matter how hard I try. And I can’t stop crying like a fucking baby. That’s why I grabbed the knife instead. God, do I hate myself like this.
I really hope this fucking cast can come off today.
There’s a light knock on the bathroom door.
“Ces, you dressed, or do you need help?” Ryder’s sexy velvet voice travels through the door. My cock hardens, and the blade goes deeper in my thigh, causing me to hiss.
“I need a few more minutes,” I say sniffling. Then, I hit the counter with my fist in frustration. “Fuck, fuck, fucking shit,” I whisper to myself, and more tears run down my face as the door opens.
I wipe my tears off my face, cover my hand over my leg and the blade, and the other hand over my dick, then look up at Ryder. “Go away, please. I don’t want you to see me this way. Leave me to my misery alone,” I whisper and look away from him towards the wall. I’m a fucking embarrassment to mankind. A 23-year-old man that can’t dress himself or stop crying like a little girl, and who has to cut himself to feel anything. I hate my fucking life. Can’t the ground just swallow me up and take me away.
“Ces, stop! It’s okay to ask for help, it doesn’t make you weak.” Easy for him to say. His dick isn’t hanging out for the world to see, while he cries because he can’t lift his ass to get his underwear on. I sat down thinking it would help, now I’m stuck and can’t get up. What kind of man am I? I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror these days.
“Can I just go back to bed and see the doctor tomorrow? I don’t feel like going out today,” I say, still not facing him. I close my eyes and mentally beg him to leave.
I feel the blood dripping down my thigh and he gasps.
“That’s enough Cesare. I’ve sat in this room with you for a week. I let you cry and sleep in my arms, and it stops now! You’re depressed, I get it, but you need to get that cast off and get the fuck out of this room. And stop hurting yourself. Fuck, babe, you can’t live like this.
“I know some of what that bastard did to you, and he’ll pay for it soon by my fuckin’ hands. Ces, you can’t go on this way. You can’t hide in this room, under the covers, away from the world, forever.
“You’re young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Let me help you so you can start living again,” Ryder says as he walks closer to me and grabs my hand that is over the cut. I keep my eyes closed, I may let him help me, but I won’t look at him while he does it. I know he’s seen my erection, I can’t hide it, even under my hand. I’m not that big, but I’m big enough that I can’t conceal it that well.
He cleans up my leg and bandages it. He helps me stand up and dresses me in my underwear and jeans. I’m so embarrassed. Bless his heart, though, he doesn’t say a word and is fast. My heart is beating so fast from his touch.
He leads me to the bedroom, blindly, and sits me on the bed to put my Converse on. My foot is swollen, so my left sneaker can’t be tied too tight .
“Open those beautiful blues for me handsome, and let’s go. Do you want your crutches, or do you want to lean on me?” he asks. I would love to have him hold me. I wouldn’t ask him, though.
“Crutches,” I say, slowly opening my eyes to face him. He hands them to me, and we leave for the hospital, with his help, even though, I was afraid to ask for it. I wanted his touch, and he obviously wanted mine too.
We head out to his Dodge Challenger SRT. The second I see it, my spirits rise. He’s going to shit his pants when he sees Bells’ custom Hellcat when Beast finally brings it here for her. His SRT has nothing on her baby. Her girl purrs like a kitten and is as fast as a jaguar. I’ll give him props, though, it’s definitely a cool car. Burnt orange exterior with black flames on the sides and black and orange leather racing seats.
“You ever race this baby?” I ask him after he starts the car. He gives me a devilish smile.
“A few times, there’s a track not too far from here. I’m planning to rebuild her engine soon and add some performance parts to her,” he says as he drives through the gates. I hate to burst his bubble, but I’m feeling better being around him, so I’m going to go with it.
“Maybe when Beast brings Bella’s car here she’ll let you race hers. The few times she took it out to the track with Jules and me, she blew the guys away, literally. I guess 800 horsepower will do that, right,” I say and can’t stop laughing, even though it hurts my ribs a little. I haven’t felt this good in months.
He drives down the road taking in my words.
“Bella’s gotta fuckin’ custom Hellcat? What the fuck?” Ryder says astonished. It just makes me laugh harder. Tears spill out of my eyes, and I just about pee my pants.
“Yup, her dad gave it to her as a graduation gift this year. Uncle Dominic spared no expense for his princess. Her baby has custom everything. That beast has over a hundred grand into her. Bella loves that car. Lovey is scary when she steals the red key from her daddy’s safe and races her...” I stop laughing when it hits me what I said. Saying Uncle Dominic’s name hits my heart hard, he was like a real father to me, and now I’m crying for a whole other reason. Bella didn’t just lose her parents, so did I.
After my parents disowned me, Uncle Dominic and Aunt Amelia took me in as one of their own. Actually, that started the first day Bells took me to her house. They treated me better than my own parents ever did, and now they’re gone. They’re gone, and I never got a chance to tell them how much I loved them and appreciated all they did for me or say goodbye.
I haven’t let myself think about them after... Or what happened to them. Saying his name now made it all weigh down on my chest. I can’t breathe, I hate these fucking panic attacks. This guy is never going to see me as anything but a weak ass kid.
I want him to see me as the man I truly am. The man my brothers have trained me to be. Strong and deadly.
Chapter 4
Ryder
Ces was fine, happy, laughing, and joking around with me for the first time in weeks while we drove to the hospital in my car. We’re getting his cast off today. Then all of a sudden, he starts crying and hyperventilating. He’s having a fuckin’ panic attack or something and I don’t know how to help him. I quickly pull my car over, to the side of the road, and turn towards him. I turn his face to me, cupping my hands on his cheeks, and stare into his beautiful baby blues.
“Ces, look into my eyes, handsome. Breathe with me, babe. I’m here with you,” I whisper in a calm voice, and reassure him that I’m here with him through the worst of it. My tone is soothing, and I try not to panic both of us. He needs my strength, so I stay calm, it will keep him calm. I wipe the tears from his eyes away with my thumb. He grabs my wrist in his hands, not tight just to connect us. He regulates his breathing, slowly, but that’s some progress, so I’ll take it. I continue to talk to him, in a whisper, while keeping eye contact.
; “Nothin’ will ever hurt you when I’m around, I can promise you that. You lean on me, and I’ll take it all away. I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere. Hide under those covers all you want, I’ll be right there with you, holding you. Babe, I’ve got you.” My words relax him and so does my touch.
My Ces is at his breaking point. I suspected as much when I saw the cuts on his leg earlier, and now this break down has just confirmed it. I’m obliged to help him, I can’t explain why, but I am. I talked to Sam, and she said he should see Bella’s therapist. Beast already suggested it once, I’m going to have to push the matter. I know I have no claim on him, so I can’t force him, but I will guide him in the right direction. Whether it’s for my own selfish reasons or for his sanity, I will do it. Be his friend and help in any way I can.
For now, I’ll stay close to his side and watch him. When he gets better, his ass will be mine, all mine. Patience, I have to control myself and place his needs first not mine. The little touches here and there are going to be hell, but I can do it. Whatever it takes to make him whole, and mine for life, I will do it to heal his heart and soul.
Sex is just a short-term release, and my hand will suffice, it always did, and it always will. Ces in my arms is enough, for now, him with me for the long hall at the end of this journey will make it all worth it.
“I’m better now. Thank you, Ryder.”
“Ces, have you been feeling like this, recently,” I whisper, still keeping my hands on his face. I need this connection as much as he does. And I also need to know what I’m dealing with, so I can help him. I’ll get online later when he’s asleep and do some research, so I can support him through this shit.
“I’ve had them since I started high school. Panic attacks. Jules has helped me with them through the years. But when I’m upset there is no stopping them.” He removes my hands from his face and squeezes my wrist before releasing one. He keeps his hands on me as he turns away from me, looking out the window at the passing traffic.
