Defiant Ecstasy

by Janelle Taylor

  Dried sagebrushes pulled at the saddle blanket and nipped at her bare legs. She listened to the coyotes off in the distance, and to the cries of the night birds and nocturnal creatures. The sky above was clear and bright. It was filled with millions of blinking stars. They looked like diamonds scattered across a piece of black velvet with candlelight shimmering on them. The full, platinum moon gave her plenty of light to travel by.

  She was fully aware of the vast emptiness and loneliness of the open plains. The solitude and eerie shadows cast by the moonlight made her tense with fear. She wished now she had let Powchutu come along. She thought about the plans to meet in a few days, but until then ...

  She would occasionally stop riding and walk for a time, allowing her horse to relax and rest. She would hold water in her two, cupped hands for him to drink, then stroke his nose and neck softly while speaking to him in a gentle tone. He would soon be accustomed to her voice and touch, and would obey her every command quickly and confidently.

  Her father had taught her a great deal about horses and their treatment. He had told her many times about how important it was to constantly touch and speak with them. This developed a closeness which inspired trust and dependability in the animal toward his master. She would rub his forelegs each time they halted to rest. Gray Eagle watched this love, care and gentleness she gave to Wildfire. He was pleased and touched by it.

  Then she would mount up and ride on for what seemed like many more hours, until she came to the large group of boulders marked on the little map. She halted to check the map to be sure she was right. She got down and studied the little map, trying to judge the distance to those bluffs marked on it.

  She tied Wildfire’s reins to a sagebrush and gazed at the rugged terrain before her. She had failed to realize she was heading west, not east, as she should have been if the map had been drawn by Powchutu.

  Each time she studied the map and the landscape, he feared she would catch this clue and realize it was she who had been tricked, not he. Such blind faith and trust in an unworthy koda, he thought ...

  She guessed the distance to the odd-shaped, high bluff marked on her map. Her finger traced over the large, dark X drawn there and sighed heavily. The mountains looked almost close enough to reach out and touch, but then so far, she felt she would never make it there.

  Distance and timing were so deceiving on the plains and prairies, for what appeared a short distance, could go on and on for miles and miles, hours and hours. Knowing this from her trip out here, she tried to decide if she should push on immediately or rest for a while here. They had travelled for hours and Wanmdi Hota would be unconscious until morning. What harm could it do to rest there for a short time? No one would know of her escape until morning when he told them. That is, if he tells them before he comes after me ... surely there was enough time for a brief rest.

  She strolled around for a little while, trying to relax and limber up strained, taut muscles. She was so weary and sleepy. She should have taken a nap this afternoon. She walked back to her horse and spoke softly to him as she took a blanket from his back to ward off the slight chill of the night.

  “We’ll rest here for a little while, Wildfire, then push on to the mountains. You eat and rest, my beauty. I’m sure you’re just as tired and sleepy as I am. Guard us well.”

  She sat down on the ground beside the rocks which had been marked on her map and leaned back against one to rest her weary head, eyes and body. Soon, without realizing what was happening, she closed her eyes and was fast asleep.

  Gray Eagle patted Wildfire’s nose and stroked his alert ears. Alisha should have known from the strange, splotched markings he was Chula’s son. The gift had been from Gray Eagle, not White Arrow. He came to stand in front of her and gaze down into her sleeping face. Istimna, Cinstinna. I will watch over you, he thought protectively. He took his blanket and sat down upon it not far from hers.

  He shortly arose to go for a sleeping skin to place on the ground beside her. She was slowly sinking to the earth as she fully relaxed in peaceful slumber. She was soon to the ground and snuggled into the warmth and softness of his sleeping skin. He smiled to himself and vowed, this will be your last night to be cold and alone, Cinstinna. From now on, you will sleep warm and safe in my arms.

  Fingers of warm sunlight danced and played across her face and eyes, bringing her to alertness. She sat up, yawning and stretching. She opened her eyes very slowly, then instantly froze. Her heart caught in her throat.

  Directly in front of her, about three feet away, sat Wanmdi Hota chewing nonchalantly on a dried twig. He was resting in a squatting position, sitting on his haunches. He was leisurely gazing at her, or should she say smiling at her like the cat who had eaten the canary!

  Her eyes darted back and forth until she knew there was no path or hope of escape. She was trapped! There was no place to run or hide. Their roles were cast and this drama must be played out, no matter the climax.

  She returned his bold stare for a long time, just waiting... “I guess it’s your move first, Wanmdi Hota. What will it be this time—slow torture or quick death?” She watched him closely for a clue.

  He seemed to ignore her words and continued to study the girl he had joined last night. He was trying to find the words to begin to tell her all the things it was past time for her to know. He noted the rising panic in her eyes at his silence.

  She thought wildly, so he had known everything, even about her plan to escape. Had he cunningly pulled her same trick and disposed of the potion? She paled, then reddened. That meant he had been awake the whole time last night! He had let her make a complete fool of herself while he pretended to have passed out! Shame and anger flooded her at the same time. He must have been trailing her all night. Powchutu should have ... Powchutu! Wanmdi Hota must have known about his part in all of this and had waited to trick them. She had innocently played right into his scheme to get her alone!

  She frantically asked, “What have you done with Powchutu? Did you kill him? He was only trying to ...” She lowered her head and began to cry, certain of his fate at Wanmdi Hota’s hands.

  “It’s all my fault. I should never have agreed to this plot. I should have remained there and taken any punishment you dealt out.”

  He spoke slow and even, “He is safe for now. I will deal with him later.”

  She shouted at him, “You knew! You knew all along and only waited to trick me! Well, what are you waiting for? Kill me and get it over with! That’s why you followed me, isn’t it?”

  He grinned mischievously and mocked, “Why should I kill my wife?”

  She automatically retorted, “Because you’re cruel and brutal! Because you ...”

  Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened in disbelief and shock. She stared at him in complete astonishment. “You’re speaking English ...” She glared at him dumbfoundedly, then screamed angrily, “You’re speaking English!”

  Chapter Nine

  Gray Eagle answered her easily and matter-of-factly, “Yes, I can speak the wasichu tongue.”

  In bone-chilling horror, she realized how very well and easily he did so. She accused, “You could all along ... this whole time I’ve been with you and known you ... every, single word I’ve ever said, you’ve heard and understood ... all this time and never a word from you ...”

  Her hand flew to her mouth in shock, as if this action could recall all the words she had ever uttered in his presence. Full comprehension set in. Every, single word, every time and place, he had heard and known all.

  It all flashed vividly and quickly before her mind. That night in the smokehouse ... during those long, terrifying hours of the torture of her people and herself ... all those nights in his teepee ... the teepee Sa ... her escape ... his recapture of her ... her icapsinte ... the begging and pleading ... the love and hate ... the passion ... Chela’s icapsinte ... her selling to Mato Waditaka ... the challenge ... the cave ... the wedding ... last night ... most of all, last night!

&n
bsp; Memories of many words and times of love, hate, happiness and suffering flooded her mind. He had heard them all, understood them, and kept his silence! Her face would flame red, then pale as white as snow. Her eyes would flash hate, anger, revenge and betrayal with each new thought and memory. Her silence seemed endless as he waited ...

  He was giving her the time to get over the initial shock of this discovery, and time to work out some of her deepest resentment. It would be easier to deal with them if she let go and let it storm out. It must spill forth and not be allowed to stay inside where it would fester and grow into real hate and bitterness.

  She suddenly screamed at him, “Why? How could even you do such a cruel thing to me? All along you’ve heard and known the Hell I was going through, and you said nothing? Nothing! You kept your mouth shut and let me suffer like that in silence! Only a few words and you denied me even that much? How you must hate me to have done such an evil thing. You’ve never said a word, nothing ... not even a hint ...”

  Tears of anguish and betrayal clouded her vision. She whispered, “Why now? Is it because I’m going to die and it doesn’t matter if I know now? I’ll not be able to spill your evil secret, just like Ben? Did you save this for your best and final torture?”

  She glared at him, but he remained silent again, for now. He was hoping for her to rid herself of some of the hate and hurt she was feeling before he attempted to tell her everything. He must wait until she settled down and was ready to listen, really listen, with her heart.

  “How could you treat me like this? To use me so coldly and never say anything! Why aren’t you laughing at my stupidity? Why don’t you taunt me for being so dumb and naive? All those times I thought you had some magic power and could read my very thoughts ...” She laughed almost hysterically. “But you didn’t have to read my mind, did you? Little Lese told you everything you ever wanted or needed to know. The times I bared my very heart and soul to you!” she exclaimed bitterly.

  Tears flowed freely down her flushed cheeks, emotions constricted her throat as she lashed out at him in fierce anger and anguish, “You betrayer! You liar! You ... you ... I hate you ... I hate you!” She lunged at him, clawing, slapping, kicking and screaming.

  He seized her flaying hands and wrestled her struggling body to the ground and pinned her beneath him. She continued to struggle until she was panting breathlessly. She yelled insults and threats at him. It had not taken long for his brute strength to overpower her and imprison her. Still, he did not speak, but only stared at her, grinning.

  Her chest heaved in a fight for air from her heated exertions. Anger and frustration were evident in her flushed face and bright, emerald eyes. She shrieked at him, “If you don’t kill me this time, I will run away again! Every time you find me and bring me back I’ll fight you all the way. I’ll keep on trying until either I succeed or die from one of your icapsintes. Perhaps that’s the only way I’ll ever be free of you. I’ll defy and , rebel and run away every chance I get! I’ll force you to keep on punishing me until one day you’ll go too far and kill me. I’ll never forgive you for this. Never!”

  She appeared to have exerted most of her energy and talked most of her feelings out loud. He threw back his head and laughed in her face! What a tantrum! Anger and hate glittered in those bright eyes of hers as he had hoped his laughter would accomplish. He needed to get her mind off of hurt and betrayal. Anger and fire would help him dispel her mistrust in him and hopefully bring acceptance of his words.

  He calmly spoke to her, “No, Cinstinna. You’ll never trick or force me into the icapsinte again. That was a very bad, almost deadly, mistake on my part. I almost lost you the last time. Never again! Hear me well, Lese, you are mine. I will never allow you to leave me, nor will I allow you to force me to hurt or kill you. Ni-ye mitawa! That means, ‘you are mine.’”

  She recalled hearing that phrase before, but when? She comprehended her total helplessness and relaxed under his grip and power. His words were strange and confusing. He was supposed to be taunting, threatening and laughing. He should be trying to hurt and punish her, even killing her, but he did none of those things. What was this new game he played?

  “Why, Wanmdi Hota? Why do you wish to torment me so? Why do you hate me so much?” New tears now flowed from the corners of her eyes and down into her hair. She had ceased all struggles and lay submissively beneath him.

  He gazed deeply into her eyes and answered, “You bring much of the hurt and suffering on yourself, Lese. You have known and learned what is expected of you, but you continue to resist and fight doing it. You defy me at every turn. You rebel and disobey. You interfere with my leadership and authority before my people. You try to shame and dishonor me with your actions and words. You gave me no choice but to try to subdue and cower you with fear and power. Didn’t you see I gave no punishment or shame when you behaved as you should? Couldn’t you see and feel my tenderness to you when you allowed me to show it? You knew I could not take you openly and love you before the eyes of my people. Yet, you tried to force me to choose your side or theirs many times. You forced me to either cower or strike out at you, and I could not cower before you. Didn’t you see we had to live two lives, one in my teepee, and one in the eyes of my people? In your heart you knew this, but refused to accept and do it. You demanded what I could not give to you. You demanded my honor for your love.”

  He carefully observed her expressions as he spoke to her. “You must learn to bend your will to mine. I am your mate, and a warrior. I am the chief’s son and the next Oglala chief. I can show no weakness. You must do all I command, with respect and honor to me. As for hating you, I do not and never have. I have loved you and wanted you since that first day I was brought into your fortress and saw you. I desired you, and I took you! Many times I have tested your courage, wisdom, and strength. I have also allowed my heart and feelings to test your love and the right to belong to me. You ran from me last night for the same reason you ran away before. You ran from fear, mistrust, and your love for me. Was it so degrading and terrible to fall in love with an Indian, an enemy?”

  He challenged her to answer him. She was staring at him with suspicion and disbelief in her eyes.

  She instantly retaliated with, “Is it so degrading and terrible to fall in love with a wasichu, a ska wincinyanna? Must I accept and love you, and expect no love and acceptance in return?” Their eyes fused in challenge to her words. She was totally bewildered by his words and feared to glean the truth from them.

  He laughed and quipped, “Only when that ska wincinyanna refuses to be tamed and respectful!”

  She retorted, “Those were not the only reasons I ...” She stopped immediately as he lifted his eyebrows in interest. Was he trying to trick her in some new way? He noted the new flicker of suspicion and doubt.

  He continued for her, “And what is the other reason you ran from me?” He wanted her to come to him with the truth, with complete faith and trust, but he saw her hurt was still too fresh in her mind and heart at this moment.

  “What do you plan to do with me this time? Does this new defiance rate ten lashes with the whip?” she asked very sarcastically. “Or does it rate another visit to the teepee sa? Who will it be this time, Wanhinkpe Ska again or another friend?”

  His eyes darkened and narrowed in anger. “You are not a fool, Lese, so don’t talk like one! You know why I took you there before, and you also know nothing happened to you. I will never allow any man to take you that way, not Wanhinkpe Ska, nor Powchutu, nor Mato Waditaka. No one, ever! I was only trying to quell your defiance and force you to cling only to me for love and protection. I also wanted to instill such fear in your heart for my anger that it would force you to never defy me again before my people. Did you think I could allow you to force the council to demand your life and blood in payment for your dishonor to me, their leader? I wanted you to see and know you needed and loved only me. The icapsinte is the law of our tribe. I was powerless to stop it and furious at you for brin
ging it upon yourself. I foolishly believed I could control the whip and did the punishment myself instead of the ceremonial chief as is the custom. But I found the whip had a mind of its own and would not be controlled. Our law says five lashes, and it would have shown weakness to have given less. I felt each one of those lashes myself, as if it were me taking the beating instead of you. You do not know how I panicked and suffered when I thought I had killed you. You do not know how deeply and cruelly your last words and looks cut into my heart. You do not know how I prayed all night at your side, begging the Great Spirit to spare your life and return your spirit to me. You do not know of the pride and love I felt watching your great courage at the post. I was greatly honored by it in the eyes of my people. They still speak of the grass-eyed, white girl with the heart of the bear. You showed more courage and bravery than most men do at the stake. My people respect and honor you for this, and for the kindness and friendship you have shown to us. They know what you did for meat your fortress, even when we were still enemies. You were working your way into their hearts. This was what I worked and waited for. When this happened, then I would have been freed to accept you openly as my woman, but I would never have been able to join with you.

  “They expect and demand much from their leader, as they should. Wanhinkpe Ska does not feel this demand for extra strength, greater honor and wisdom which I must have and show as their leader. I am sorry I took his friendship from you. I feared you were turning to him more and more, and I could not permit this. His willing acceptance made my seemingly cold rejection harder and crueler for you to bear and understand. I will no longer deny you his friendship.

  “I am also shamed for the destruction of your locket. I reacted in jealousy and anger. I thought the man to be a wasichu you had loved and lost. I could not bear the look of love I read in your eyes for him. When I heard your words of pain, it was too late to save it.