Defiant Ecstasy

by Janelle Taylor

  “The day you ran away from me, I was blinded and filled with rage at your dishonor of my trust in you. I came back that day to tell you all that was within my heart for you. Our hearts and loves had touched and joined that night before and I believed you were ready to hear and learn all these things. My anger at your betrayal was so great I could not think. After the icapsinte, I swore to reveal the truth to you as soon as you woke up, but the bluecoats came and took you away before I could tell you. When I bluffed your release at their fort, I knew and felt your hurt and shame that day, but I could not risk their hatred for my turning on you. For your safety and my honor, I had to treat you coldly and cruelly before them all.

  “I felt and saw you reach out to me on the way back to my village. I thought in a few days you would relax and accept my taking you again. After Chela’s attempt to kill you, I came to you to tell you all that night, but you had cried yourself to sleep. I was angered at my near loss of you and for your renewal of defiance and dishonor to me again so soon after our truce. I was waiting for you to awaken the next morning so I could come to you with open heart, but again, it was not to be. Mahpiya Sapa came to take you from me. If I had tried to explain things to you that day, you would have been too hurt to listen and believe me, and the truth could have cost your life. I had to remain silent until I could find some way to help you without it being dangerous to you. At that time, I also did not know the full truth of your part, if any, in the deception. I knew if I allowed you to be accepted as this Shalee, then I could join with you.”

  Alisha did not fully grasp what he was telling her here, for he was saying he knew at that time she was not Shalee.

  “You tried in every way to kill the love you felt for me. I could not tell you of the things I felt for you until I was sure you loved me completely and would come to me willingly and trustingly. That day we left the fort, I thought you had done this, for I only saw love and trust in your eyes for that day and the next.

  “You must see and fully understand my position as the leader of my people. I could not allow even the woman I loved and wanted to shame me before them. I could not help you find this love, acceptance and trust in me. It had to come from you willingly and openly.

  “I wanted you to love me and desire me as a man, not as your owner and master.”

  Alisha spoke up here, “Are you trying to tell me that all that cruelty and torture were lessons in obedience and love? You beat me and shamed me to make this learning and accepting easier for me? You have the nerve to say all my suffering was my fault? I can’t believe I hear you correctly! My fault!” She glared at him in astonishment and spat at him, “All it would have taken to have won this love, trust, and acceptance you say you wanted from me and worked so hard to get was just a little kindness and love from you. All it would have taken would have been just a few words of teaching and gentleness to let me know you cared at all, or how to behave correctly.”

  He lightly taunted, “Do you mean to tell me if you had known I could speak your tongue, you would have submissively accepted the deaths of those men and your place as my kaskapi? You would not have begged and pleaded for their release even more so with words? If you had known I heard and understood, but would not listen or change my mind, you would have done nothing, but quietly accept what you could not change?”

  She realized the point he was making and did not answer. He went on, “I believe you would have rebelled even more with words, insults and screams. Do you know what I would have been forced to do to you for that? Do you think for a moment my people would have stood by watching a white captive taunt and defy their leader? Which was more important, your life or my silence?

  “Besides, you would never have spoken so freely before me if you had known I heard you. How would I have known the feelings in your heart for me? How would I have known you and your ways? Would you have heard me say ‘I love you’ with one breath, then ‘You must go to Mato Waditaka’ with the next, and have trusted me? What would your heart have felt then; if not the final betrayal?

  “Do you forget we met as enemies? Did I not have to learn to trust in you also? I have known no woman, such as you before. At first, I believed I only desired you as a woman, but I came to know I loved and wanted you for yourself, enemy or not. Can you not think what I felt wanting you and loving you, but knowing I could never really have you completely? Do you know I could have been forced to give you up when I joined Chela, just in order to keep peace? Can’t you see, with you as Shalee, I was freed to love and take you openly?

  “When I first saw you at your fortress, I thought you mad. I slowly came to see your love and kindness were real. Still, I could not bring myself to allow a white woman to help me. Can you not imagine what it would be like to be a warrior who had been foolish enough to be captured by his enemies, then treated as I was? Do you know how I felt to be whipped for no reason, to be openly taunted and called such vile names, to be bound helplessly like some rabbit, to be so shamed and dishonored? I was filled with rage and bitterness, shame and vengeance. I struck out at you because you were one of them, and you were vulnerable. I saw you were special to the men there. I was going to use you to taunt them with. I was going to punish you for the feelings you stirred in me against my will. I needed to force you to hate me, for I could resist a cold, hating woman far easier than a warm, loving one. But I was defeated, for you came to love and want me as I did you. You made resisting you painfully impossible. It was a good thing you never realized the power your love carried. Even though I tell you this now, do not ever try to use this truth against me, Alisha. The only thing which has changed, is you are now my mate, but you are still mine and under my power.

  “When I attacked you in the smokehouse, I wanted to see how deep your feelings were. I wanted to see how much you were willing to suffer for my protection, to see if it went so far as to save my life. Your courage was even greater than I had thought. I hurt you greatly that night, not only your hand, but your heart. This I saw in your eyes and heard in your voice. That was the very moment I knew I must have you. I knew where you would hide during an attack and that you would be safe. I overheard your uncle and the big man called Ben speaking of this hiding place. I knew I would be back for you.”

  Alisha was beginning to understand Wanmdi Hota, but she still could not accept the truth of his words. “But I don’t understand why you took those men back to your camp to torture them. Why didn’t you just kill them all at the fortress? You forced me to watch all that brutality, then expected me to turn to you in love? How could you think I could come to you willingly after I had endured such things? Didn’t you stop to think I would believe I was also there for your revenge? It seemed you took only, those who were connected with your treatment at our fortress,” she said in puzzlement.

  “You were there because I wanted you. The gold sash said you were mine. But at that time, you were only a white slave who was both beautiful and desirable to me, or so I thought! The others were there for punishment. Not only for what they did to me, but for what they did to Chenuhula and Okiliea.”

  He saw her bewildered look and explained, “Chenuhula was an Oglala brave and Okiliea was his younger sister. They had gone to the forest beyond your fortress to gather plants for medicines. On their return trip, those three men attacked them, killing Chenuhula and raping Okiliea brutally many times. She later managed to get close enough to our village foi one of our people to find her. She told us of the three men who did this thing to her and her brother before she died from her injuries. We found where your people tried to hide his body and brought it home for burial.”

  “But how could they do such a terrible thing and to a stranger? To kill for no reason, to hurt the girl so badly she died?” Alisha was feeling the pain and shame the Indian girl must have felt for she had endured a similar incident. She glared at him and angrily accused, “But you did the same evil thing! You raped me!”

  “But I took you with love and gentleness! They took her with hate and bru
tality. There is a big difference!”

  He watched to see if she disagreed with him. She stared at him for a time, but did not argue his point. “They killed Chenuhula because he was Indian. Okiliea was only thirteen winters old,” he added bitterly.

  Alisha gasped, “Thirteen! That’s only a child! How could they do such a vile thing? I saw how cruel they were to you, but to such a young, innocent girl ... Jed, Horace, and Ben? Ben ...” She had been right before when she said she did not know or belong with those people. Her eyes nervously darted about as she was trying to accept this new, disturbing discovery. Then her eyes met his gaze.

  “Powchutu told me at the fort why the others had been killed. That was also for punishment. If you had told me the truth at that time, would I have believed or listened or trusted you? I honestly don’t know, Wanmdi Hota. Who can truly say what they would have done or said at another time?”

  He happily realized she was listening and trying to understand what he was saying to her. She does not close her heart and mind to me yet, he thought. Already she accepts my words, even those that contradict hers. This is very hard for her to hear. She was no longer screaming at him. She had stopped her crying. She was truly listening and trying to find the truth. More than that, she had not called him a liar and her eyes said she trusted what he had just said. If only he could help her to trust him completely and believe all his words.

  “Powchutu has filled your head and heart with many lies and fears, Lese. He wishes to destroy your love for me. He wishes you to turn to him, for he loves you and will do anything to have you.”

  She met his gaze with surprise. “Powchutu loves me? But we are only good friends! You sound as if you mean he loves me as a man loves a woman. I don’t understand what you mean. He only loves me like a sister. He only seeks to help and protect me. Why would you think otherwise?”

  “He was not helping you flee for your life or from my hate. He was trying to help you escape from me so he could follow you and force you to turn to him. I had WanhinkpeSka stop him and hold him there. He knows I speak your tongue, but did not tell you. This is why he always spoke the truth before me, but lied to you in secret, telling you I hated you and would kill you. I had told him I loved you and would not harm you again. I brought him here to speak with you, to tell you what had truly happened to you that morning in my camp, and to ask you to join with me, but he would not. He knows the words of Wanmdi Hota are true, but denies them.”

  Stunned by this confusing revelation and recalling Powchutu’s numerous, strange words of warning about silence to her, she asked, “You mean he knew and did not tell me these things? He tricked me and lied to me? He is the one person I felt I could truly and completely trust, even with my life.” He saw her eyes fill with pain at this knowledge, but again, she believed Gray Eagle.

  “Not at first, Lese. He spoke the truth to you at the fort. But he loved you even then, for I saw it in his eyes when he begged for your life and safety. He offered his life in exchange for yours. He even challenged me if I dared to hurt you again! He did not know of my secret until I went to him for help. Then, he only suspected it. He was certain when he saw my face when you spoke at the challenge. I realized he had guessed the truth, but I knew he would not tell you. Partly because he knew how it would hurt you to learn I had always heard your words of love and pleas for mercy and had said nothing. He was very angry and spiteful and felt I had tricked both of you. But what he said and did at the Si-ha Sapa camp was done and said in hate of me, and in love of you. He also knew if he told you the truth, you would immediately come to me to see for yourself. If you had come to me, I would have confessed the truth then, and he did not wish for you to learn of my love for you. He wanted you to go on believing I hated and rejected you. He knew I would love and keep you always, now that we are joined.”

  She looked up at him in doubt and asked, “Would you still love and want me and keep me as your wife if I were ... only Lese, the white girl you captured and not this... Shalee, Mahpiya Sapa’s daughter?”

  He calmly asked, “Are you only Alisha, my little white slave?”

  She smiled for a minute, staring at the mocking grin on his handsome face. She tartly replied, “Yes!” Get it in the open, Lese, and deal with the consequences now, she thought. Besides, he already knows the truth.

  He seriously asked, “Does Lese love Wanmdi Hota as much as Shalee would have?” He nearly caught her off guard.

  “I cannot speak for this Shalee, but Lese ...” She halted and spoke angrily, “You mock me, Wanmdi Hota! What difference would either answer make? Besides, you already know the answer, since you know my tongue so well. You must be acutely aware of my love for you, for I have spoken of my feelings for you many times.”

  He nodded and said, “I only wished to hear you say it again.” He repeated her words at the joining, “‘Forever one together and yet apart. You said you would love me forever. Did you not mean this?”

  She stared into his ebony eyes with the dancing lights, trying to read the truth there. How could he have always heard all her words and never have responded to them before?

  “If you really loved and wanted me, then why did you push me away in the cave, and why didn’t you take me last night?” She asked these two questions, recalling the shame and agony he had put her through both times.

  “I had only meant to hold and kiss you in the cave, and to let you draw comfort from my arms, and to drive away some of your fears and doubts. I did not expect your heated response so soon. I, too, was lost in the passion of our love. When Wanhinkpe Ska came to get us, I knew I had let things go too far. I knew it was not the place or time for our next joining of love. You cried out to me for help, and I gave it in the only way open to me. Last night, I was trying to make you want to stay with me. I wanted you to see and feel how much we loved and wanted each other. I knew if I took you, then I would not be able to let you go. Then, you would never believe you had stayed because you wanted to. You would think I had tricked you in a moment of weakness for me. Did you not feel how much I wanted you both times? If you had come back to our mat and stayed that last time you kissed me and hesitated, I would have taken you then and loved you. I would have told you the truth at that time. Do you know how much it took not to force you to stay with me, not to make love to you? Never have I done anything harder in my life than to remain still while you cried and told me how much you loved me. I thought it best to let you go, then follow, so we could be alone and far away for this talk. I did not know how you would react, or what you would do. There is nothing here to interrupt us.”

  For some reason, Ben’s face and cruel death flashed before her and she said, “Ben knew and was about to tell me the day you killed him. He was trying to say, ‘the brave can ... speak.’ For that you killed him?”

  He quickly answered, “Yes! He was going to tell you and it was not time for you to know this yet, and not from him. He would have died that day anyway. He only made it happen sooner and quicker.” He released his hold on her and let her sit up, confident she would not try to flee or fight him.

  “Poor Ben ...” she sighed sadly.

  But he retorted, “Poor Okiliea ...” She glared at him for a moment in bereavement for her friend, then lowered her eyes in understanding.

  Remembering what she had said to him only moments before, she reminded him, “I told you I am not Shalee. It was all a trick. I am only Alisha and I am white, Wanmdi Hota, all white ...”

  She waited tensely for his reaction.... He smiled at her and said, “I know this. I knew it even before I heard the talk in Matu’s teepee. I knew this the day they came and took you away.”

  In total confusion she asked, “Then why did you let them take me? If you loved me and knew the truth, then why did you not speak up? You knew what I felt! Why the challenge? You could have been killed for a white kaskapi.”

  “I have seen you naked many times. I know every mark upon your body.” Her face modestly flamed at his words. He continued,
“I knew the scar was only a half-moon. I could not guess how it had come to be an akito, nor who had done it. I did not know at that time if you knew about it, or had anything to do with the change. I was confused, angry and upset, and could not think right. When Matu said she had seen it before your rescue by the bluecoats, I knew it had not been done at the fort. I could only guess Matu was in on it. I learned the full truth at the same time you did. If I had told Mahpiya Sapa the half-truth at my camp that morning, he would have demanded your death for this trick. I had no choice but to remain in silence. I also knew if they accepted you as his Shalee, we would be joined and I could have you openly in honor as my mate. The only thing I had not counted on was Mato Waditaka. If necessary, I would have killed him before I would have allowed him to take you.”

  “Are you telling me you will keep this a secret? You will allow me to pretend to be this Shalee to all the others?” She could hardly believe her ears! Did she hear his words correctly? She eyed him curiously and replied, “I don’t believe you, Wanmdi Hota. This must be a trick, a new taunt. What is your game this time? Surely you can’t expect me to accept that you have loved me all this time? What kind of lover humiliates and tortures and hurts the one he claims to love? I can never forgive or forget the things you have done to me. Especially when you could have told me why, but did not. If you truly loved me, you would not have let me suffer like that for so many weeks. You would not have done those terrible things to me.”

  - He confidently stated, “In time, Lese, you will be forced to trust and accept me. But until then, if you make it necessary, you will live with me as my kaskapi and wayakayuha. I’ll keep you under guard during the day and bound to me at night. The choice is yours—winyan and wayakayuha! Knowing your words, I have also heard your words of hatred and spite to me. I had to wait until I was sure of your love, and now I am. Do not fight what we both want, to be together in love.”