Beating the Workplace Bully
Page 1
BEATING THE
WORKPLACE
BULLY
A Tactical Guide to Taking Charge
LYNNE CURRY
Foreword by Gary Namie, Ph.D.
American Management Association
New York ❚ Atlanta ❚ Brussels ❚ Chicago ❚ Mexico City ❚ San Francisco
Shanghai ❚ Tokyo ❚ Toronto ❚ Washington, D.C.
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To
Ben, Jenny, and Ma’Hayla, and,
like the rest of my life’s work, to God.
To show the courage of your convictions requires you to have convictions.
—Doug Rice
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CONTENTS
FOREWORD BY GARY NAMIE, PH.D. vii
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS xi
INTRODUCTION: Intimidated No More—You Can Do It 1
CHAPTER 1
Are You a Bully Magnet? 9
CHAPTER 2
You Can Run, but You Can’t Hide: Bullies Don’t
Go Away on Their Own 21
CHAPTER 3
Doormats Can Change: Here’s What It Takes 25
CHAPTER 4
Wounded Rhinos, Shape-Shifters, Character Assassins,
and Other Bullies 32
CHAPTER 5
It’s Your Choice: To Confront or Not to Confront 47
CHAPTER 6
Put on Your Game Face: Don’t Play by the Bully’s
Rules 60
CHAPTER 7
The Eight Most Common Bully Traps and How to Avoid
Them 69
CHAPTER 8
How to Overcome the Bully’s Favorite Weapon—an
Outpost in Your Mind 84
CHAPTER 9
Countering Bully Tactics and Bully Speak 92
CHAPTER 10
Turn the Tables on a Bully with One Easy Move 103
CHAPTER 11
Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under 108
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CHAPTER 12
How to Silence the Angry, Aggressive Jerk 117
CHAPTER 13
How to Handle a Scorched-Earth Fighter 124
CHAPTER 14
Defusing the Silent Grenade 131
CHAPTER 15
Seeing Through the Shape-Shifting Mr. Hyde 135
CHAPTER 16
Pierce the Facade; Topple the Narcissist 142
CHAPTER 17
Take Down the Rhino Before It Charges 148
CHAPTER 18
Undoing a Character Assassin’s Wounds to Your
Reputation 152
CHAPTER 19
The Newest Character Assassin: The Cyberbully 156
CHAPTER 20
How to Survive the Bully Boss 164
CHAPTER 21
Handling the Bully Employee Without Getting
Burned 173
CHAPTER 22
Nine Essential Strategies for Creating Your Game
Plan 182
CHAPTER 23
The Right Way to Ask Managers and Others for What
You Need 189
CHAPTER 24
Anger, the Bully, and You 197
CHAPTER 25
What Every Leader Should Know About Bullying 202
CHAPTER 26
What Human Resources Can and Should Do 209
CHAPTER 27
Bullying Isn’t Illegal—or Is It? 216
CHAPTER 28
The Times Are Changing: Have You? 224
INDEX 237
ABOUT THE AUTHOR 244
FREE SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM TALKING TO CRAZY BY MARK GOULSTON 245
COPYRIGHT 258
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
FOREWORD
The Workplace Bullying Institute’s 2014 U.S. Workplace Bully-
ing Survey documents that 65.7 million working Americans either
experience or witness abusive conduct during their workday. Despite
this, bullying remains a “we don’t talk about that” topic, making it
the “silent epidemic.” Lynne Curry has plenty to say that breaks the
silence. In this book, she makes it clear that the shame-targeted indi-
vidual’s experience is undeserved. In this practical book, she sheds
light on the phenomenon and provides aggressive steps a targeted
worker can take to stop the bullying.
Lynne, once a target herself, brings to the topic an overflowing
bushel of tips, tools, and strategies that only a veteran workplace
coach could bring. She leads you on a challenging journey made
treacherous by obstacles put there by coworkers, supervisors, exec-
utives, and even society. It’s an uphill battle for bullied individuals
to be sure, but Lynne’s realistic steps give the reader the best chance
to succeed, which she defines as getting to safety with one’s dignity
intact—a worthy goal.
You will especially love the vivid case descriptions illustrating a
different aspect of bullying that open each chapter. Lynne is a superb
writer. In her abbreviated but fluid style, she manages to infuse suffi-
cient detail to make several points at the same time. You will recog-
nize the familiar tactics of perpetrators, targets, witnesses, and man-
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viii ❚ FOREWORD
agers. Soon you’ll be putting faces on those she describes because you
know someone who did the exact things Lynne portrays in this book.
At the Workplace Bullying Institute, we have heard and read
more stories about people targeted by bullies than any other group
in the country. Lynne’s anecdotes, woven together with strands from
different cases, are completely authentic and believable. Some skep-
tics might not believe the outrageousness of some tactics she depicts,
but they actually do happen as Lynne describes.
Lynne tells us that her approach is based on learning and memory
theories, but in her consulting practice, as well as in this book, she
eschews theory, preferring to give us practical examples. As she says,
this book is a personal training manual not a recitation of theories.
The welcome change is that Lynne not only teaches us “what” targets
can do but also compels us to dig in, to engage, to rehearse the sug-
gested tactics so we can get to the “how.”
It’s so refreshing to see an author admit that there is a huge gap
between knowing and doing. I credit this to Lynne’s unique perspec-
tive as a workplace coach. She obviously learned that her effectiveness
depends on whether the person she advises can implement her sugges-
tions to make sustainable changes. Brilliant delivery of advice does
not guarantee efficacy, but Lynne wants readers to succeed.
For this reason, she ends each chapter with “Your Turn,” a list of
questions and exercises. The questions make the learning memora-
ble by engaging simultaneously the reader’s intellect, emotions, and
physical actions. Please don’t skip these exercises; they make this book
>
special.
I heartily endorse the author’s technique. In the early days, I
learned the hard way what not to do when advising targets about
workplace bullying. Back then we offered free advice to bullied work-
ers who reached us on a toll-free line. Targets typically spent a long
time describing their horrific experiences. I’d listen, then launch into
a lengthy list of suggestions that I considered brilliant. At about item
number twelve on a list of twenty things to do, and some forty-five
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FOREWORD ❚ ix
minutes into the call, the caller would interrupt my monologue to ask
whether to get a pencil to write down the advice. Wow—ingratitude,
I thought. But I was wrong to assume that emotionally injured people
could calmly follow complex instructions.
Dr. Ruth Namie, my wife, whose case launched the U.S. work-
place bullying movement, taught me to stop bombarding targets with
advice they were temporarily incapable of comprehending. I learned
to tailor the complexity of my advice to the targets’ capabilities. The
“Your Turn” section of each chapter ensures that the reader is not
overwhelmed.
Lynne is immersed in real-world problem solving. Her preference
for directness leaps off the page. Her education and background cer-
tainly qualify her to understand and formulate theories. However,
what I most appreciate is her ability to translate abstractions into
actionable steps that effect change for her coaching clients. It is her
most important contribution to the field. Lucky readers of this book
will benefit from that talent.
Lynne brings considerable how-to experience to handling bully-
ing and helping targets, bullies, and organizations. She writes a Q &
A newspaper column in which she summarizes complex workplace
dilemmas and offers sage advice to help those who write in to free
themselves from the situations. The wisdom contained in this book
derives partly from answering those tough bullying-related questions.
Bullying problems are among the most resistant to easy solutions.
Sadly, they are incredibly common. The 2014 national prevalence
survey found that 27 percent of adult Americans have personally
experienced abusive conduct at work.
I am delighted by Lynne’s sensitivity to the plight of bullied
targets, who never invited the misery dumped on them. She never
condescends. Rather than victim blaming, she delivers good advice
showing readers how to shore up personal vulnerabilities that bullies
may use to justify an attack. Most of the book’s chapters are devoted
to understanding why targets become targets and showing them how
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x ❚ FOREWORD
to empower themselves to wrest control of their lives back from the
bullies.
Though there are multiple explanations for why bullies bully,
Lynne is no apologist for bullies. She deserves a great deal of credit
for not falling into the trap common to myopic, less capable coaches:
blaming victims and being conned by charismatic Machiavellian bul-
lies and their executive sponsors. She clearly states that bullies have a
conscience “with as many holes as a thin slice of Swiss cheese.” This
book is target-centric.
The concluding chapters telescope back from the interpersonal
dyad of target and bully to prescribe what the employer should be
doing. Here Lynne brings the same confidence that something is pos-
sible and doable that she granted to targeted individuals. According
to one of our Institute’s studies, 68 percent of C-suite dwellers consid-
ered workplace bullying “a serious problem.” In practice, however,
there is a knowing–doing gap. Despite their awareness, employers are
doing relatively nothing. Lynne Curry, as executive coach, patiently
explains what employers could and should do.
The author, like me, remains optimistic that the scourge of
destructive bullying in the workplace can be corrected and prevented.
She is positive that targets can do much to minimize damage from
bullying if only they knew what to do. Fortunately for them, this book
delivers many practical strategies to make their work lives safer.
Lynne Curry deserves thanks from all of us who have ever been
targeted or ever attempted to make targeted individuals whole again
to enjoy their lives.
Gary Namie, Ph.D.
Cofounder and Director,
Workplace Bullying Institute
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I could not have written this book without friends. Sally Bremner,
joined by her husband, Trevor, is the beta reader/editor of my dreams;
she proofread every page with unfailing enthusiasm. Deb Krebs
stands out as an inspirational beta reader. Chris Lundgren added a
perceptive eye to the beta reading team. Rick Birdsall added value as
attorney turned human resources expert.
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INTRODUCTION
INTIMIDATED NO MORE—
YOU CAN DO IT
If you could get up the courage to begin,
you have the courage to succeed.
—DAVID VISCOTT, MD
ANNE DIDN’T HAVE WARNING. When she landed what she
thought was a dream job, she quickly bonded with a charis-
matic coworker, Karla. When Karla poured wine liberal y at an informal
dinner at her home and said, “Tell me all about you,” Anne did.
The next day, the receptionist giggled as Anne walked in. When Anne
asked, “What’s so funny?” the receptionist looked at her, wide-eyed,
and squeaked, “Nothing.”
Later, as Anne entered the break room for a cup of coffee, two of her
new coworkers abruptly stopped talking.
At the afternoon staff meeting, she noticed two male coworkers
smirking at her.
Anne went home with a headache, and decided to cheer herself
up by logging on to Facebook. To her horror, she discovered that her
coworkers were posting wildly exaggerated stories about her past rela-
tionships—al based on her private conversation with Karla. With her
heart-shaped face ashen and her fists clenched so tight that the blood
had wrung out of them, she cal ed Karla. No answer.
The next day, Anne confronted Karla, who gave her a cold, coyote
smile, and replied, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
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2 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
“But the things they’re posting could only have come from you,”
Anne insisted, nausea percolating in her stomach.
“Pull yourself together,” Karla snapped. “You clearly have issues.”
Anne endured three more weeks of sideways glances, during which
Karla tormented her with her own stories about unsuccessful love and
work relationships. When Anne final y turned to Craigslist to find a new
job, she disco
vered that her personal stories had circulated throughout
the industry.
That’s when I met Anne. She described Karla, a two-faced Dr. Jekyll/
Ms. Hyde, and shared how Karla had manipulated her into divulging
personal details that, repeated out of context, made Anne look like a
fool.
“Is there anything I can do?” she asked. “My female cowork-
ers think I’m a bad joke. They look at me as if I’m something they
scraped off the bottom of their shoes. The guys in my office, including
my boss, are scared I’m man hungry, and make a point of telling me
they love their wives.”
“What do they think about Karla?” I asked.
“They don’t like her, but no one crosses her. She has a power that
I can’t explain. It’s like everyone goes along with her so she doesn’t
attack them.”
“How have you fought back?” I asked.
“I haven’t.”
“Which means that as far as Karla’s concerned it’s open season on
you. What’s your boss doing about this?”
“Nothing. It’s as if she has something on him.”
“Bullies win,” I explained, “because they set a rigged game in
motion, and the rest of us find ourselves playing it—and badly. If you
want to escape the bully’s control, you need to take the bully on and
change the game’s rules.”
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Intimidated No More—You Can Do It ❚ 3
WHAT THIS BOOK PROMISES YOU
Workplace bullies. Have you recently tangled with one? Did you hold
your own or did the bully ride roughshod over you? Do you expect a
rematch?
If you’ve picked up this book, you want a better result the next
time you encounter your bully. You want to walk away feeling whole,
not trampled.
That’s what Beating the Workplace Bully offers you. In each chapter, you’ll find concrete strategies, skills, and tools for successfully outmaneuvering bullies in your workplace.
You’ll learn:
❚ How to quell your instinctive fear and not feel intimidated
❚ Powerful strategies to use with those who intimidate you
❚ Methods for turning the tables on bullies
❚ Strategies for building self-confidence
❚ Bully traps to avoid
❚ How to engage your fighting spirit
❚ Strategic moves for handling feared or unexpected attacks
❚ How to keep bullies from gaining an outpost in your mind
❚ Ways to calm yourself in any confrontation