Beating the Workplace Bully
Page 2
❚ How to strengthen your “fighting-back” muscles
❚ The truth and falseness in bully myths and assumptions
❚ How to keep your dignity intact
. . . along with the steps employers, supervisors, and managers can
take to successfully derail and prevent bullies from trampling on their
employees.
In addition to learning how to handle yourself around any bully,
you’ll have the opportunity to assess your current personal conflict
style and decide on the changes you want to make. At the end of each
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4 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
chapter, you’ll have the opportunity to put your bully situation into
perspective, or try out your new skills with practical exercises. You
can count on Beating the Workplace Bully to provide you with the tactics you need to change how you handle bullies.
WHAT I PROMISE YOU
From me, as your personal coach, you can expect someone who part-
ners with you. In the past, you may have enjoyed a book that prom-
ised similar benefits and thought “I wish I could really do what the
author is telling me to do.” Then, you set the book aside, never putting
what you read into practice. I want more for you.
Beating the Workplace Bully offers you more than most books; it’s
your personal training manual. In it I go beyond explaining “what”
to do; I teach you “how” to do it.
Research shows that while you remember only 10 percent of what
you read, you retain 70 percent of what you answer if immediately
questioned about what you’ve learned. Even better, if you try out or
put into practice the skills or knowledge you’ve just learned, you retain
90 percent of that information eight months after learning it.1
Research also reveals that nothing encodes in memory unless
you encode it in at least two of the three ways you mentally process
information: visually (you see it), auditorily (you discuss it or say it
out loud), and kinesthetically (you try it out physically or emotionally
process it). That’s why you often have to repeat major life lessons over
and over—because they’re insights and not retained unless verbal-
ized, worked with, or otherwise implemented.2
Beating the Workplace Bully addresses this issue by actively involving you at the end of each chapter with questions and activities that help
you retain the new approach to handling bullies covered in that chap-
ter. In “Your Turn: Where Are You Now?” you’ll learn exactly how to
defeat a bully, and get the chance to put your new skills into practice.
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Intimidated No More—You Can Do It ❚ 5
Why choose me as your personal coach? Since 1978 I’ve run an
employee training, management, and human resources consulting
firm that serves 3,500 clients in fourteen states and three countries. I
have a Ph.D. in social psychology and an MA in teaching and am a
certified Senior Professional in Human Resources.
Every month I teach individuals—as a personal coach or in group
sessions—how to handle workplace bullies. Many of my clients call
these seminars life-changing.
Every strategy that you read in Beating the Workplace Bully has been
field-tested.
Based on my background as a manager and employee trainer, I’ve
created this one-on-one training session that you can complete in the
privacy of your own home or office.
You’ll read dramatic real-life stories about individuals targeted
by bullies, as well as about the bullies themselves. You’ll learn from
real-world situations facing individuals, like yourself, who fell into
traps bullies set for them. You’ll gain insight when you read how they
sprung and then climbed out of those traps.
Bullies and targets exist at all levels and in many organizations.
These real-life examples are culled from my thirty-seven years of
helping others learn how to successfully outsmart the bullies. That
said, no anecdote represents any one individual. In all instances,
each is a composite of two or three of the many targets and bullies
I’ve coached merged into one story. I have changed the names and
specific facts out of respect for those I’ve coached. You will likely find a bully who’s a dead ringer for one you’ve tangled with—and
then find special pleasure in learning how to turn the tables on this
bully. One last note: Although many of the bullies and bullied in
these anecdotes are women, it is important to remember that bullies
and targets come in male and female form as well as all ages, shapes,
and disguises.
I’ve told you my professional credentials, but what about my
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6 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
personal credentials? I’ve been bullied myself, but I am no longer a
victim. I married—and divorced—a bully. I even employed bullies.
When I decided I’d had enough, I looked in vain for a book that would
help, and then made the decision to study bullies in my life and in the
lives of clients I helped. In that way, I learned the many ways in which
I’d been an easy mark.
Once I understood that, I was never again on the losing end of
bullying. The book in your hands is the book I would have wanted
to read. What this means for you is that I’m uniquely positioned and
excited to be your coach.
I’m delighted that you’re taking this journey, one that could dra-
matically change your life for the better. The rewards ahead of you
are priceless.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
1. Are you currently entangled with a bul y?
2. Describe the bul y. (For example, how does she or he act?
What has she or he done to you? How have you reacted?
How has she or he made you feel?)
3. What happened? (For example, how did you react?
Did you withdraw or fight back and, if so, how? How did
your coworkers or supervisors act? What’s the current
situation?)
4. What do you hope to learn or gain as a result of reading
Beating the Workplace Bul y?
NOTES
1. Merrill Harmin and Melanie Toth, Inspiring Active Learning: A Complete Handbook for Today’s Teachers (Alexandria, VA: Association for Supervision and Curric-ulum Development, 2006), 230; Sharon Hull, Making Comprehension Connections: Look, Listen, and Link! (Huntington Beach, CA: Shell Education, 2008), American Management Association • www.amanet.org
Intimidated No More—You Can Do It ❚ 7
The Peak Performance Center, http://thepeakperformancecenter.com/educa
tional-learning/learning/principles-of-learning/learning-pyramid/.
2. Dharma Singh Khalsa and Cameron Stauth, Brain Longevity: The Break-
through Medical Program that Improves Your Mind and Memory (New York: Warner Books, 1999).
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1
ARE YOU A BULLY MAGNET?
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
—PLATO
HEAD NURS
E MOLLY was ten months from retirement when Pauline
started work at the clinic. Like the rest of the clinic’s employees,
Mol y welcomed Pauline aboard, greeting her with flowers on her first
day. Pauline took the flowers with barely a glance and handed them to
the receptionist, saying “Put these in water.”
Mol y, a kind, round-faced woman with warm hazel eyes and wavy
auburn hair flecked with gray, had urged the clinic’s physician owners
to hire someone like Pauline, saying the clinic had grown to a size that
required a clinic administrator in addition to her own head nurse position.
When the managing physician asked Mol y, “Do you want to supervise
her?” Mol y responded, “I see us as teammates, each with our strengths
balancing and supporting the other.”
For the next two weeks, Mol y coached Pauline on the clinic’s intake,
staff orientation, patient recordkeeping, and administrative filing sys-
tems—all procedures she’d spent more than ten years developing.
Since Mol y took pride in her work, it shocked her when Pauline
described the systems as “antiquated.” Mol y viewed the systems as sim-
ple, streamlined, and even elegant, but she swal owed her pride and
said, “I’ll support you in making them better.”
“Won’t be necessary,” Pauline sneered.
“You don’t want my help?” Mol y asked, thinking she’d misunder-
stood Pauline’s tone.
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10 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
“I don’t need your help,” Pauline replied in a voice that could curdle
milk.
That night, Mol y attended Pauline’s first briefing with the clinic’s physi-
cians, and listened as Pauline told them that bringing clinic systems and
procedures up to an acceptable level would take four to six months of
hard work as things were in a “pitiful” state. Pauline looked the part of
someone who could take the clinic forward. She dressed in immaculate
and stylish, if severe, suits.
Mol y’s jaw dropped and ice formed in her gut as Pauline continued
to trash her work. Mol y didn’t know what to say in defense of the clinic’s
existing systems, and couldn’t bear to make eye contact with the physi-
cians she’d served for twenty years.
The next morning, the stream of insulting emails started. Although
Mol y tried to focus on her head nurse duties, she felt obligated to
respond to the three or four daily emails outlining in detail errors Pauline
al eged Mol y had made when she designed the clinic’s systems.
Mol y worked ten-hour days until deep shadows formed under her
eyes. She final y asked for a meeting with Pauline. Pauline’s new assis-
tant, Max, turned her down, tel ing Mol y that Pauline’s schedule was
“tight.”
Mol y went home drained, and told her husband she had no idea
why Pauline was attacking everything she’d developed.
“Why are you letting this woman do this to you?” asked Mol y’s
husband.
“She has the credentials the physicians wanted.”
“You’ve worked for them for twenty years.”
“She says she knows what she’s doing.”
“So do you.”
Mol y wasn’t so sure anymore.
The next day, Mol y saw three emails from Pauline and realized she
didn’t want to open any of them.
How had things turned from great to trash?
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Are You a Bully Magnet? ❚ 11
WHAT MADE YOU A VICTIM? WHAT KEEPS YOU A VICTIM?
If a bully has you in his or her crosshairs, you may look at yourself
and wonder if you’re to blame, and for what. You want to know what
made you a target.
Let’s turn that around and look at what bullying is.
Workplace Bullying Defined
Workplace bullying is psychological violence and aggressive manipulation in the form of repeated humiliation or intimidation, and may include
situational, verbal, or physical abuse.
❚ Verbal bullying includes slandering, ridiculing, insult-
ing or persistent hurtful name-calling, and making the
target the butt of jokes or abusive, offensive remarks.
❚ Physical bullying includes pushing, shoving, kicking,
poking, or tripping the target. It also includes making
obscene gestures as well as assault or the threat of physical
assault.
❚ Situational bullying involves sabotage and cruel acts of
deliberate humiliation and interference.
Workplace bullying and harassment can inflict serious harm upon
targeted employees, including feelings of shame, humiliation, anxiety,
and depression, along with physical symptoms of distress.
No one deserves to be bullied.
Even if you’ve done many things wrong, even if your self-esteem
isn’t the greatest, even if you’ve made a hundred mistakes, don’t take
what the bully dishes out as your due.
Bullying is an epidemic. According to a 2014 VitalSmarts survey,
96 percent of the study’s 2,283 respondents experienced workplace
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12 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
bullying.1 The 2014 U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey published by the
Workplace Bullying Institute documents that 37 million U.S. workers
face “abusive conduct” during their workday. Another 28.7 million
witness this abuse.2 To put this into perspective, these 65.6 million
people equal the combined population of fifteen U.S. states from the
central northern tier to the Gulf of Mexico.
At a minimum, three to four people out of every ten have been
bullied. You may well ask, “Can’t I please be one of the other six or
seven of those ten?”
Absolutely, that’s why you’re reading this book.
Your first step is to recognize which of the following factors led
you into a bully’s crosshairs.
You:
❚ Have bad luck
❚ Ignore warning signs
❚ Have something the bully wants
❚ Signal you’re an easy target
❚ Put up with lousy treatment
❚ Give away your power
Bad Luck: A Target on Your Back
A MILITARY WIFE, Gwen interviewed for five weeks before finding an
employer wil ing to hire her despite her husband’s likely transfer to a new
base in eighteen months.
On Gwen’s first day on the job, Lisa, the office manager, sat her down
and told her she’d do fine if she understood the lay of the land. Eager
to make a good impression, Gwen listened to Lisa, who explained that
Gwen needed to demonstrate her wil ingness to be a team player.
Gwen was soon spending hours completing tasks Lisa delegated to
her, which prevented her from speedily completing assignments given
her by her immediate supervisor. When Gwen told Lisa she couldn’t
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Are You a Bully Magnet? ❚ 13
manage the extra tasks, Lisa snapped, “You’re not wil ing to help me out
when I’m swamped?”
Gwen hadn’t been bul ied before, and she took days to decide what
>
to do. She spoke to her supervisor, who said, “Lisa’s our best, most tal-
ented performer. I can’t believe you’re bad-mouthing her when she’s
been trying to help you.” As Gwen listened in shock, her fists tightly
closed and shoved into her pockets, she learned that Lisa had claimed
that Gwen came to her so often for help that Lisa had to log two hours
overtime nightly to complete her own assignments.
Landing the wrong job had placed Gwen in a bully’s crosshairs.
Has bad luck made you a bully’s target?
Ignore Warning Signs at Your Peril
AFTER A DIVORCE, Mack moved to Colorado and took the first job
offered him. When he saw a long list of names as he logged on to Out-
look, he asked a coworker about them. “I’m new here too,” she said, “I
don’t recognize any of them.”
On his first day, Mack’s boss took him out to a five-star restaurant for
lunch. “Slow service!” his boss snarled at the waitress, “If you want a tip,
speed it up.” Minutes later, his boss snapped his fingers as the waitress
passed by, “Coffee refil !”
At the weekly staff meeting, Mack was surprised that few employ-
ees talked, other than to compliment their boss when he spoke about
his personal efforts. Their silence made Mack hesitant to talk. After the
meeting, he asked a coworker, “How come no one talks?” “You’ll learn,”
she responded. “We go along to get along. No one sticks their neck out.”
As Mack delved into the projects assigned him, several of his clients
asked him what had happened to different people who’d worked with
them before Mack joined the company. Mack soon learned not to ask
his boss about his predecessors; they’d all left on bad terms.
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14 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Although Mack liked his salary, he decided that working for this boss
could prove a career-fatal mistake. He saw the warning signs and left
before his boss turned on him.
What about you? Have you seen similar warning signs? Have you
bailed out in time or stayed too long?
Potential Warning Signs
You work with an individual who:
Cuts you down, then claims she was “just kidding”
Makes you feel like you “walk on eggshel s” because you
never know what might trigger a tirade