Beating the Workplace Bully
Page 14
once in the next two weeks. You’ll find it works to interrupt
any pattern you want to discard.
12. Select one scenario you want to practice handling dif-
ferently, and map out what you’ll say and how you’ll act.
Stick a piece of paper with your bul y’s name on the wal ;
stand up and walk through the entire scene, letting your-
self imagine the bul y’s actions and hear the bul y’s words;
counter them with what you want to say on your behalf.
Keep your breathing deep and level; keep your head up
and back straight.
How does it feel to stand up for yourself?
What have you learned from doing this?
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116 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
You now have a strategy for replaying any scene, including a
real one that you don’t feel you handled wel . Remember, how
you handled it was your starting point, and the incident gives
you new material on which to practice. From now on, consider
each bul y in your work life as an unpaid coach, giving you
opportunities to perfect your skil s.
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12
HOW TO SILENCE THE ANGRY,
AGGRESSIVE JERK
Keep away from angry, short-tempered men, lest
you learn to be like them and endanger your soul.
—PROVERBS 22:24–25
“VERN, YOU DON’T MIND my busting your bals, do you?” asked
Max, a broad-shouldered Marine drill sergeant lookalike with
a crew cut, who ran the facilities department for a large oil company.
Max’s voice sounded like ripping duct tape; he walked with military pre-
cision, and shook hands with an anaconda-strong grip.
Most of Max’s peers avoided him, and that was the way he liked it, brag-
ging to his staff that others “give him a wide berth.” Max hired bul ies, and they enjoyed laughing while watching how Max handled the “wusses” in
the accounting, client services, and administrative departments.
Once Vern accepted a promotion to head the accounting depart-
ment, he realized he couldn’t avoid Max, as their two departments inter-
twined. Vern had hated watching Max make the previous accounting
department manager his whipping boy.
When Vern engaged me as his coach, I warned him that his prac-
tice of biting his tongue when attacked and his win/win approach
could prove his undoing with a win/lose operator like Max.
Not always right but never in doubt, the angry, aggressive jerk gets
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118 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
right in your face and tells you off when he’s having a bad day or doesn’t
get what he wants. These arrogant know-it-alls mask incompetence
with bombast, pretending everyone else is stupid. Wielding insults as
weapons, jerks find and play on your weaknesses and erode the self-
esteem of those around them. Jerks like to keep their targets close and
under control, as their victims fulfill these bullies’ desire for power.
What You Can Expect If You Work with or for a Jerk
❚ Jerks dominate you, or try to—control ing your time, ear,
and physical space—forcing you to adopt a passive role or
chal enge them.
❚ Jerks blame, demean, belittle, and insult you.
❚ If they’re your boss, jerks unfairly deny you earned privileges,
such as comp time, and stubbornly refuse to recognize
your contributions, chipping away at your confidence and
potential.
REAL-WORLD TACTICS THAT WORK
You can’t ignore a jerk’s taunts. These bullies interpret silence as con-
cession and behave as badly as you let them.
When they taunt or berate you, take a deep breath and employ the
alternative focus strategy presented in Chapter 6. By centering your-
self and appearing calm, you take away some of their fun. Remember,
sharks go after a wounded swimmer.
Many jerks shut their ears when their mouths open. As a result,
you can short-circuit their verbal violence if you don’t take their bait.
The turning-the-table and countering strategies in Chapters 8, 9, and
10 work.
If you find yourself pushed by mental strong-arm tactics, stop
the action with “You’re not getting away with that here” or “I’d like
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How to Silence the Angry, Aggressive Jerk ❚ 119
some time to think about what you’re saying.” If you’re being asked to
do something objectionable, give yourself time to assess what’s being
asked, and plan what you’ll say.
Tactic #1: Reverse the Risk/Reward Ratio
Bullies don’t like to suffer. Reverse the risk/reward ratio they expect
when they take you on.
VERN DECIDED TO change Max’s perception of how easy it was to trash
him and his department. Max’s “You don’t mind my busting your bal s”
comment played right into Vern’s hands. Realizing Max planned that
as his exit line, Vern countered, “Bust my bal s? Not a chance. They’re
tougher than you think. You have no clue.”
Unaccustomed to anyone standing up to him, Max was temporarily
speechless, though his face reddened and his nostrils flared, as Vern and
his assistant left. “Wow, that was amazing; there’s a new sheriff in town,”
Vern’s assistant said, but Vern wisely stated, “That was only round one.
He’ll be back for me.”
The next day, Max stormed angrily into Vern’s office with copies of
several crumpled emails, which he threw on Vern’s desk. “What the hell
is this crap?” Knowing Max expected him to pick up and smooth out the
emails, Vern instead calmly eyed Max. “You’re easy.”
“What the f--- do you mean, short boy?” Max shouted, towering over
Vern, still seated at his desk.
“All I have to do is say something and you react. I can make you
angry. That means I own you.”
Momentarily at a loss for words, Max almost choked on his spittle;
then he reared up and hol ered, “You own nothing.”
“See, I did it again,” Vern stated calmly. “I say something and you get
louder.”
“Your emails are garbage,” Max choked out.
“They outline the rules you need to fol ow if you want your projects to
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120 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
move forward,” Vern said calmly, sweeping the crumpled pages off his
desk and into the trash, before standing up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I
have a meeting with our boss.”
Not everyone has Vern’s guts, however. He reported that Max
treated him, and his emails, with more respect after those two en-
counters.
TACTIC #2: TAKE AWAY THE BULLY’S POWER OVER YOU
Many work with a jerk like Camille. Camille loved forcing others to
listen to her diatribes as she slammed her supervisor and coworkers
from her “bully pulpit,” secure in the knowledge that few listeners felt
brave enough to say they disagreed with her assessments or even “I’ve
heard enoug
h. Stop already.”
I was hired to provide an “anti-gossip” session by Camille’s orga-
nization. When I surveyed those who’d be attending, I learned the
true problem involved more than gossip. Although gossip existed—
employees named Camille as the number one gossiper—the staff felt
helpless to stop her once she started her violent monologues bashing
someone. Several employees said that no one, not even the organiza-
tion’s manager, wanted to confront Camille. I shared my insights with
the manager, who confirmed them.
Like many bullies, Camille refused to participate in training that
might empower her targets. She called in sick the morning of the
training. The manager called me and asked, “Should we reschedule
since Camille won’t be there?”
“Don’t give her that much power,” I answered. During the ses-
sion, we practiced effective methods for shutting down gossip. For
example, if a would-be gossip says, “Do you know what I just heard
about Carole?” I suggested responding, “I don’t want to hear it” or
“I’d rather Carole tell me if it’s about her.”
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How to Silence the Angry, Aggressive Jerk ❚ 121
If a would-be gossip opens with, “Marcia just said an awful thing
about you,” I recommended answering, “Let’s you and I go find Mar-
cia and have a three-way discussion.”
Then, we tackled Camille, without using her name. I explained
that those who speak negatively upset us and create an effect that
continues long after they finish. Negativity can impact us for hours,
unless we create an antidote. The simplest? Write the negative per-
son’s name or message in the center of a piece of paper. Then, draw
a circle around the name or message and a diagonal line through the
circle, similar to a “no smoking” poster.
Look at what you’ve drawn; notice that you’ve fenced in the name
or message and created the universal “no [fill in the blank]” symbol.
Then, scrunch the paper up and toss it in the nearest trash. Two days
later, I visited the organization’s manager and asked, “How are things
going?” She started to laugh and explained that Camille had come to
her upset because so many of her coworkers were acting “idiotically.”
“I asked Camille what she meant,” the manager said, and she said
they were ripping up pieces of paper, tossing them in the trash, and
laughing.
“It’s odd,” said the manager, “but you gave us back our sense of
humor and with that came power. Camille felt it.”
Tactic #3: Fight Fire with Fire
Remember the angry, aggressive jerk Bernard? He paced in front of
his staff calling them “inadequate and worthless” and threatened,
“Your jobs are in jeopardy.” Sam turned in his resignation that day.
One of Bernard’s employees, Mavis, took a different tack.
A SHORT, FIERY REDHEAD, Mavis proposed to two of her coworkers that
they use their iPads and smartphones to tape Bernard’s finger-pointing
rants. Initial y, Mavis and the others saw it as a way to keep their spirits
up. One evening, however, Mavis said excitedly, “These are great; we
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122 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
could make a YouTube video and send it to Anderson Cooper for his
‘The RidicuList.’
“Count me out,” said one coworker, and the others agreed. Mavis
wasn’t deterred, as she’d found a new job. While she didn’t use anything
the others gave her, she created the video and asked Bernard for a
meeting.
“Do you watch Anderson Cooper?” Mavis asked.
Puzzled, Bernard responded, “Yes, but what’s that got to do with your
job?”
“I’ve accepted another job. Here is my letter of resignation; I’m giving
you two weeks’ notice.”
“You’re out today!”
“Wel , then, please accept my parting gift. It has to do with Anderson
Cooper,” Mavis said, handing Bernard a DVD.
“What the hel ’s this?”
“A video starring you,” Mavis said with a bright smile, and left.
Bernard couldn’t resist. He took the DVD home, put it in his player, and
pressed “Play.” He saw his face staring back at him; his face reddened
and his mouth opened in shock. He heard Mavis saying, “Bernard, if I
hear you’re continuing your bul y storms, I will send this video to Anderson
Cooper to air on ‘The RidicuList.’ I predict, if it airs, it will go viral.”
“Before you ask, no one helped me make this. This is just between you
and me. But I plan to check back regularly with those I’m leaving in your
employ, and if you don’t clean up your act, this video will no longer be
between you and me; it will be between you and mil ions of viewers.”
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
If you have not encountered an angry, aggressive jerk, imagine
what it would be like if you had, and answer the fol owing ques-
tions accordingly.
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How to Silence the Angry, Aggressive Jerk ❚ 123
1. Do you work with a jerk? Which of the three examples does
your bul y most resemble: Max, Camil e, or Bernard? What
does your bul y do?
2. How does this bul y’s behavior impact you? How does his
behavior impact others?
3. How have you responded to this bul y or other angry,
aggressive bul ies in the past?
4. What tactics (Chapter 9) did your bul y use? What traps
(Chapter 7) did you fall into?
5. Jerks have several Achil es’ heels. They don’t like to feel
pain; therefore, if you set up a risk/reward ratio not in their
favor, they often back down. They believe their own inflated
press releases in which they’re all powerful; thus, when
you stand up to them, they don’t know how to take it. They
expect you to get upset when they yank your chain, and
don’t know how to respond when you don’t take their bait.
How can you use any of these Achil es’ heels to change
what happens between you and a current or future angry,
aggressive bul y?
6. Do you work with a bul y who aggressively bends your ear
with his or her negativity? What do you plan to do the next
time this bul y talks on and on?
7. What do you admire about the actions Vern took?
8. What do you believe led Max to back down?
9. How do jerks affect morale and productivity?
10. How do others cope with this type of bul y? What seems to
work? What doesn’t work?
11. What advice would you give to someone facing a jerk?
12. Vern used breathing and alternate focus to steady himself.
This is a good time to refresh your memory, so try each of
them at least once during the next two days.
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13
HOW TO HANDLE A SCORCHED-
EARTH FIGHTER
Courage is never to let your actions
be influenced by your fears.
—ARTHUR KOESTLER
MAURA HAD DONE the right thing. She had fired Eliott, an em-
ployee who’d lied on his employment application and ex-
pense account, and then created havoc in her small company, holding
closed-door meetings with the goal of turning one employee against
another. A soft-hearted woman, Maura hated firing anyone and told
Elliott she wished him well.
Months later, when she learned El iott had pirated written materials
she’d spent decades developing, she initial y sent him multiple letters
reminding him the materials weren’t his. When her clients began tel ing
her El iott was still passing her materials off as his, insisting he’d created them and she’d stolen them, she sought legal advice. Her attorney, Ted,
told her she had two options. Accept the situation or sue.
“I hate both options,” said Maura, “but I can’t let this happen; I have
too much at stake.” She asked her attorney to draft a letter asking her
ex-employee to stop using her materials and giving a deadline for their
return. When the deadline passed, Ted filed suit.
Predictably, El iott hired Stuart, the meanest scorched-earth litigator
he could find. A short, powerful y built man with a jutting jaw and an
incongruous pug nose, Stuart loved legal warfare. He immediately filed
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How to Handle a Scorched-Earth Fighter ❚ 125
a motion asking for Maura’s personal and business tax records for the
last fifteen years.
“For what purpose?” Maura asked Ted.
“To scare you.”
“Should I give them up?”
“No. He thinks he can walk all over you, find things you don’t want
found, and use that as ammunition to force you to settle.”
“Why would I settle? I’m the one who has been wronged.”
“Exactly.”
Scorched-earth fighter bullies (scorchers) play a “heads I win, tails
I win” game. Believing might equals right and lacking a conscience,
they attempt to take what they want from the target, and, when they
do, they act to destroy the target’s reputation.
If you tangle with a scorcher, don’t expect fairness or mercy. They
threaten until you give in, then they walk all over you, telling them-
selves, “Anyone who lets me walk on her deserves to be hurt.”
AS MONTHS PASSED, Maura felt she was living in the eye of a legal