Winter at Cedarwood Lodge

by Rebecca Raisin

  “Clio, Jesus. You just don’t get it. I ruined their lives. Their family, their business. All of it. As surely as if I pulled the pin on a grenade, it exploded in an instant.”

  “I’m sure it wasn’t your fault, whatever it was.”

  “It was, Clio. It was all my fault.”

  “Well…” Words vanished. What could I say without knowing what she meant?

  “I tried this with your father, confiding in him, loving him, and then I lost him too. And now you’re back at that place, and it feels like a punishment I deserve. Like God is reminding me of what I’ve done and what I have to live with.”

  “What did you do?”

  There was a silence and then her voice came back distraught. “Something horrible that I’ll live with until the day I die. And you just won’t let it go. I’m asking you to forget it, please.”

  “Would you? If this was reversed?”

  She sighed. “I don’t know any more, Clio.”

  “Why don’t you visit? Take me to the maze, explain what happened.”

  “I just don’t understand why you don’t listen, Clio.” With that she hung up, but not before I heard a gut-wrenching sob.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I crept downstairs and made coffee and searched the fridge for the leftover donuts I knew were hidden somewhere in its depths. It wasn’t long before Amory joined me, our early-morning coffee and chat being a routine as regular as sunrise and a time we could confide in each other with no one to overhear. In her loved-up haze, it seemed depressing to bring up my mom and our phone call. I didn’t want to say anything that would dim the light in Amory’s eyes.

  She sat down, grinning. “Coffee, stat.”

  I shoved her. “Here’s your special new mug, Lady Amory.” We’d found Santa mugs at the thrift store in town. Some poor fool had donated a box of them, and we couldn’t believe our luck. Big, fat, red mugs with Jingle Bells, Batman Smells written on them. Kitschy but oh so cool.

  She inhaled the coffee the way she did every morning. I gave her a few minutes to let the caffeine work its way around her body before probing. “What is that?” I said, making a show of sniffing. “Oh, I think love is in the air…”

  “Oh my God.”

  I laughed. “So?”

  “So… Well, I guess it is. I hope you really meant it, about us both staying on? It’s a little like an orphanage here, all these lost souls gathering.” I froze for a moment, thinking of Kai. And of my mom and the mysterious baby.

  “I meant every word,” I said, seriously. They didn’t realize how much I needed them too.

  “Cruz is keen to move to Evergreen to be with me and start a new life here as a chef.”

  “God, what a horrible guy.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Right? We thought we’d stay at the lodge over Christmas and then find a cottage in town in the New Year.”

  “But we have so many rooms here. You could move into one of the chalets?”

  “Thank you, darling. But I think it would be asking too much of you. We’ll hang out just like normal, but if we have our own cottage, at least I can be as messy as I like without facing the wrath of Mom – I mean, you.”

  We giggled, knowing it was true.

  “But seriously, I don’t want to get under your feet. The cottage will be a nice little sanctuary for us.”

  “So you’re really moving in together?” For someone so adamant about not following the traditional path, she’d surely changed her tune. I was certain it was the magic of the lodge – the open spaces, the way time moved slowly here – that allowed people to think and ruminate about what their heart really wanted.

  “Yep, I’m taking one giant leap, and seeing if the man still loves me when he trips over a mountain of clothes.”

  I switched on the radio and Christmas carols filled the room. “I got an enquiry about a New Year’s Eve party. You’ll never guess who.”

  “Who?”

  “Timothy. The realtor he works for wants to throw a party.”

  “Your old flame?”

  I laughed. “Glowing coals at best.”

  “We’ll dance until midnight if we can keep you old fogies up long enough.”

  I laughed. With the early mornings and fresh air, I was usually in bed by ten. No longer having to hover at clients’ parties until dawn, then head into work full of caffeine and promises… Life at the lodge suited the new me.

  ***

  Pots and pans clanged in the kitchen and the delicious scent of roasting turkey wafted down the hallway. Cruz was a damn fine cook, and I was thrilled he’d agreed to work at Cedarwood. He and Amory were making goggle-eyes at each other, like they’d only just fallen in love, and I had to hide a smile each time I walked past the lovebirds embracing. Who knew what their future held, what any of ours held, but they were focusing on the fact they loved one another, and that was enough for now. Between them, and Isla and Micah, I felt conspicuously single.

  The dining table was dressed in a gold tablecloth, adorned with glittery Christmas baubles. I polished the champagne flutes once more, admiring the perfect placement of cutlery and the poinsettia taking centerstage in the middle of the table. Flutes polished to a shine, I placed bonbons to the right of each place setting and silver napkins to the left.

  Christmas carols played chirpily overhead and I tried hard not to let sentimentality take over. It had been a tumultuous year, and yet I’d come so far, surrounded by friends and family who’d also had their lives shaken up and were trying to come out the other side.

  In the corner, the Christmas tree blinked merrily, and underneath was a veritable treasure trove of presents waiting to be opened. Even though it was Christmas Eve, we’d decided to exchange presents tonight. No doubt the couples would exchange their own presents the next day, but tonight it was all about what we’d bought for our friends…

  Kai walked in, carrying bottles of chilled champagne, and a gift under one arm. He stowed the champagne in the ice buckets and hopped from foot to foot and wouldn’t meet my gaze. “You can put the gift under the tree, Kai.”

  He cleared his throat. “Actually, I wanted to give it to you now.” He handed it me, and I noted with a smile the delicate antique ribbon and superfine wrapping paper. It was almost criminal to open it.

  “You didn’t have to get me a present.” Surprise colored my voice.

  He shrugged, and gave me a loose hug. “Merry Christmas, Clio.”

  “Merry Christmas!” I slowly unwrapped the gift, letting out a gasp when I saw it. “How did you find this?”

  “A lot of digging,” he said. “Do you like it?”

  It was a sketch of Cedarwood from its heyday. It was exquisite, the pencil strokes a touch blurred with age, the paper browned at the edges, but framed in a gorgeous antique frame that would protect it for the next fifty years.

  “Kai, I can’t believe this, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Look at the lodge!”

  I peered closely to make out every minuscule detail. Nothing had changed, from the gable on the roof right down to the balustrades on the porch. It was all the same as now, except the windows were bracketed by heavy brocade curtains, and now we had sheer window treatments. And on the porch was a rocking horse, fit for a small child… Again I had that sense I was being watched, that someone stood just behind me. My skin prickled.

  Before I could ponder it any more, Amory click-clacked her way into the room and said, “You’re exchanging presents? Oh Clio, that is utterly divine! Mine are under the tree in the salon – I’ll be right back. But we’re not opening them until after dinner, because yours might involve a drinking game…” She clapped a hand to her mouth. “Forget I said that.”

  Micah wandered in wearing a fuchsia-pink Christmas hat. “She made me,” he said, laughing. Isla wore the same but in green. “And we’ve got our ugliest Christmas sweaters on, in honor of our first Christmas at Cedarwood.”

  They were ugly. Matching sweaters with a reindeer flashing un
even, eggshell-colored teeth – more like a bad-tempered donkey braying. Still, Christmas just wasn’t Christmas without an ugly sweater. “Delightfully ugly,” I laughed.

  Cruz put a plate of cheeses, green olives and rosy-red cherry tomatoes on the table, all lined up in the shape of a Christmas tree. “Cute!” I said, loving that he was so festive with his food.

  “Wait,” he said. “I also made something else.”

  He came back a few minutes later carrying the most exquisite gingerbread house. It had candy-cane pillars, and a white-iced snowy roof; the windows were open and inside sat teddy bear biscuits, warming themselves near an open marshmallow fire. Trees were made from tempered chocolate and dusted white with icing sugar. Green candyfloss made up a Christmas tree decorated with star-shaped candy. “Wow, Cruz, did you make this from scratch?” The spicy scent of ginger permeated the air.

  “Amory helped,” he said.

  We burst out laughing, knowing she would have hindered more than helped, just as I would have. Our skills were not culinary, that was for sure. But still, my mind spun with ideas for the future: cooking classes he could do with our guests, and perhaps even a little giftshop of our own where we sold handmade biscuits and treats like these.

  Micah added a log to the fire, sending little bursts of fireworks up the flue.

  While we munched on the nibbles Cruz had made I drifted away, thinking of Mom and Aunt Bessie. My aunt had politely refused my invitation for Christmas Eve dinner – insisting us ‘young people’ spend it together, because we were having a gathering at hers tomorrow.

  We went to take our places at the table, but not before I saw Kai standing innocently under the mistletoe. In the spirit of Christmas I pushed my chair back and dashed over to him, landing a big, loud kiss on his cheek. His eyes widened, and I pointed up. “Just following tradition,” I said.

  Amory winked at me. “Yeah, and she put mistletoe under every doorway just in case.”

  I laughed. “You’re just jealous I didn’t kiss you.”

  “Yes,” she said. “I am. There’s always next year.”

  “Shall we toast?” I asked, grabbing my champagne flute from the table, bubbles dancing like stars. My friends gathered around, each wearing a wide smile, relaxed and happy right here at Cedarwood Lodge. “Thank you for all of your help at Cedarwood. Without you I’d be a bumbling, incoherent mess. Here’s to love, laughter, and good friends.”

  We clinked glasses, everyone letting out a cheer. Outside, night fell, and snow blanketed the ground.

  Amory said, “Hear, hear. And on behalf of all of us, I’d like to say, you would never be a bumbling, incoherent mess, because that’s just not your style, but we appreciate you taking us into your home and your heart this Christmas, and we look forward to making next year huge for Cedarwood. It’s going to be amazing, and we’re lucky to be part of it.”

  Over dinner, we laughed so much we cried, eating too much turkey and crispy roast potatoes. Cruz had gone all out on dinner, with all the trimmings… from honey-glazed ham to fragrant pecan and cranberry stuffing, and freshly baked bread rolls. We practically rolled out of the room, and groaned when he wandered in with a chocolate Yule log big enough to feed a small army.

  “Maybe we should have a little break?” he said, taking in our satiated faces, and the way we rubbed our too-full bellies.

  “Let’s go sit in front of the TV,” Amory said. “The Times Square Christmas carols are on, and I don’t care what anyone says, I love watching them.” Cruz raised a brow but took Amory’s hand and led her down to the theater room.

  Isla pulled Micah by the elbow. “Come with me? I want you to help me with something,” she said mysteriously.

  That left me and Kai, staring at each other over the table.

  “Let’s get some fresh air?” Kai said, pointing to the deck outside. I grabbed his gift from under the tree.

  Stars glittered in the inky night, and the moonlight winked as if urging me on. It was déjà vu, but I wanted one minute alone with him before we were around other people for the duration of the night.

  I handed him his gift, and held my breath.

  He opened the gift box and took out the small album. Inside it were pictures of his time at Cedarwood, candid snaps when he wasn’t aware I was there – iPhone at the ready. There were pictures of the team he’d led, arms wrapped around each other, big, goofy grins in place, and Kai in the foreground, eyes luminous, sparkling with the joy he’d found here. There were before and after photos of the lodge, and the improvements he’d suggested were right there in Technicolor. In the middle of the album I’d placed a handwritten note:

  You said this place is magical, and I think you’re right. There are so many adventures to be had here, and so much time in which to have them. You might feel adrift in the world right now, but we’ll always be here for you, me and Cedarwood Lodge. If you need a place to get lost, a mountain to climb, a friend to talk to, a lake to swim in so all you hear is the tumble of water and not the heavy thoughts that are holding you down, then you know where to come. As you can see by the photographs, you belong here, like the trees, the mountains, and the rain. Always know that when you leave, we’ll be counting down the days until we can welcome you back, home.

  He worked his jaw as he read the message. Was it too much, too whimsical? I wanted Kai to have a tangible record of his time here, and photographic proof of the great work he’d done. It wasn’t just your average renovation. It was restoring the past, and living for the present.

  “Do you really mean that, Clio?”

  “Every word.”

  He nodded and flicked through the album, smiling when he came to a picture of us toasting marshmallows, pulling silly faces. And then again when Micah was doing bunny ears behind his head as Kai surveyed building plans, resolute expression in place.

  The last photo was my favorite. It had been taken by Micah when I was oblivious and was of me and Kai, sitting by the lake, bundled in blankets. Our faces were only inches apart…as if we might be about to kiss.

  “Clio, I…” He stopped, his eyes ablaze, with what I wasn’t sure. He lifted my chin with a finger and kissed me gently. I leaned into him, and kissed him back. It remained unsaid, but I knew Kai, and I knew what he was thinking. It wasn’t the right time for us, was it? He was hurt, conflicted about his life, and starting a romance now was a bad idea. Until he’d made peace with his past… This was a kiss goodbye.

  The Christmas tree blinked and shone, the lights radiating outwards, coloring the snow. Kai took me in his arms, and held me tight. I wished I could pause time and stay that way for ever.

  In the distance, Micah and Isla ran back from the lake, their boots sinking into the snow, their faces red with cold.

  “There’s a maze!” shouted Micah as they ran to catch up with us. “It’s hard to find, and it’s overgrown, but it’s definitely a hedge maze! How do you think we never found that before, Clio, on all our jaunts as children?”

  I had the sensation that I was falling, dizzy and breathless all at once. Now Mom couldn’t avoid it; the maze had been found. But I had the overwhelming sense I would lose her if I didn’t handle it right. Micah noticed my stricken face, “Clio, are you OK?”

  I’d have to be. I’d have to get this sorted out once and for all. “Fine, fine. Just a little cold.” Again, I had the oddest sensation someone was standing behind me, but when I looked no one was there. Goose bumps prickled my skin, and Mom’s face flashed in my mind, her teenage smile, and her bright eyes as she clutched the little girl’s hand. What was the very worst thing that could have happened? Did she have a child out of wedlock? Did the child die? Or was she adopted out?

  Tomorrow I’d be at Aunt Bessie’s for Christmas Day, and my family and friends would celebrate Christmas lunch together. There’d be no time to quiz Mom alone, but maybe I could make her see how much we all loved Cedarwood, how we were making it great again, and whatever bad memories the place held for her, this was a new era, a n
ew time, and I wanted her to be part of it. The only way forward was going back and saying goodbye to the past.

  “Shall we fix the maze?’ Isla’s face was lit up.

  “Strictly no work talk over Christmas!” I said, trying to sound upbeat. “Let’s head inside before we freeze, and demolish that Yule log.”

  Kai and I exchanged a glance as we all trooped back inside, and my heart thumped in my chest, knowing I was saying goodbye to him soon too, maybe for good. If it was meant to be it would be… Didn’t I say true love would always find a way?

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  The golden vocals of Frank Sinatra singing ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’ drifted upstairs to greet me. Feeling decidedly festive, I wrenched the bedcovers back and raced to the bay window. Outside, the frosty ground was blanketed by snow and the mountains in the distance slumbered under dense white. If you squinted you could make out tracks in the snow from Santa’s reindeers. OK, maybe not, but a girl could dream…

  From downstairs came the rattle of cups, the shrieking of the kettle – Cruz was up and about and, from the scents wafting my way, baking something Christmassy.

  Not wanting to miss a thing, I pulled on my thick robe and went to investigate. Taking the stairs two at a time, I practically bounced into the warmth of the kitchen. Cruz had brewed a pot of gingerbread coffee and handed me a cup. The spicy ginger scent was synonymous with Christmas and gave me the desire to eat my bodyweight in baked goods – from gingerbread families to reindeer cookies, and as many of Aunt Bessie’s donuts as I could carry in two hands. After all, New Year’s resolutions were made for a reason, right?

  “Thanks, and Merry Christmas, Cruz!”

  “Merry Christmas, Clio. Nice PJs.” He raised a sardonic brow.

  Staring down at my ensemble I couldn’t help but smirk. Isla and Micah had gifted us all kitschy Christmas-themed gifts. My pajamas were festooned with grinning red-nosed reindeers and merry mistletoe; the material was so vividly red they were blink-inducing. Let’s just say you wouldn’t have missed me even if you were in the next town over. My dressing gown covered most of the garishness but not quite enough apparently.