All I Want is Everything

by Daaimah S. Poole

  I had been asleep for four hours and awoke to find it wasn’t a bad dream. It was true life. It was real life. My album was not coming out. I kept having the same thoughts. Can’t I call somebody? Can’t I do something to make this work? I will do whatever they want me to do. I can make more changes. I can wear whatever they want me to wear. I could do whatever they want me to do. What am I going to tell my family? How am I going to make it through this?

  I squeezed my forehead to halt the pressure that was building inside of it. I couldn’t take it. I needed a Tylenol and a drink. I looked in the mini bar and opened the green bottle of Tanqueray and drank it straight. It burned my throat a little. I ran in the bathroom and got some water to chase the Tanqueray down. I sat on my bed. What do I do now? I couldn’t think of anything, so I took another sip of what was left of my drink and went back to sleep.

  I heard “Housekeeping,” then a knock.

  I didn’t get up fast enough to tell her no thanks, so the woman entered the dark room said, “Sorry,” and then left. I looked at the time. It was ten in the morning on Sunday and I was still in my same clothes from Friday. I had another headache and I wanted to take a shower. My shower turned into a bath as I sat down in the shower and let the hot water run over my hair, head and neck. I closed my eyes, balled myself up, and cried and cried.

  I called for room service and ordered potatoes au gratin, shrimp, lobster and a steak. I hadn’t eaten in two days and I was in the mood for everything.

  When room service came I sat on the bed, pulled the food cart over to me, turned on the television and flipped the channels. My Super Sweet Sixteen was on MTV. I couldn’t stomach it. It was about a rich girl thinking that the world revolved around her. She was spoiled, mean and rude. I wanted to go in the television and smack her. The girl was arguing with her parents because they didn’t buy her a Benz that she wanted. I didn’t get a lot of shit when I was sixteen. I didn’t get what I wanted when I was twenty-six, I thought as I changed the channel.

  Monday I went to my car and got some of my things, then walked from my hotel down to the Taj Mahal at the other end of the boardwalk. I thought about Marcus and wondered what was he doing and if he was thinking about me. He’d wanted his baby and he’d gotten it. Everybody got what they wanted out of life except for me. I walked on the beach and just thought about my purpose. I kicked at the sand a little. The waves were going out and then coming back in. The water was more peaceful and serene. Seagulls flew over my head. I sat in the sand and just looked out into the ocean. I felt a little better after reflecting on the beach. So I walked back to the boardwalk and noticed this lady in a wheelchair all smiling and happy to just be alive. She looked up at me and said, “God bless you, honey.” I almost didn’t say it back but then I thought about it and said “God bless you too, miss.”

  Chapter 30

  I couldn’t go home and tell my family I was dropped. I didn’t want to see the looks on their faces. I felt like I let them down. I knew they were going to be so upset, especially my little sister and brother. They had been telling everyone their sister was about to come out—“She’s a singer, we’re going to be rich, she bought us a house, she lives in New York City, she drives a Benz.”

  But staying here at this hotel was not an option anymore. The front desk had left me several messages telling me to come down. I don’t think so. I know what time it is. Peter must have just caught on and canceled that card. I began packing my things and headed for the lobby. I went to the valet and got my car and sat in it for another thirty minutes contemplating what I was going to do. I guess there was only one thing to do—go home.

  I went home and the first things I saw were my mother’s three brown paper bags from Macy’s. Joanne had been shopping again. She looked at me and said, “You’re not getting enough rest. You looked stressed. You drinking your water and taking your vitamins?”

  “Yeah, Mom.”

  “You don’t look so good. You better get some rest.”

  “I get rest.”

  “I bought some pots and things from Macy’s,” she said as she showed all of the things she had bought. “That was a great sale,” she said like she was proud.

  “Where you been at?” she asked. “I have been calling you the last three days.”

  “I have been busy.” I went and sat on the sofa. I didn’t know how I was going to tell my mom I wasn’t signed anymore. She had really gotten accustomed to going in the store and buying whatever the hell she wanted. But I had to say something to her before she went shopping again. She followed me in the living room and said, “You’re probably coming down with something. You don’t look like yourself. Why don’t you go lay down.”

  “I’m not sick. I have to tell you something,” I said as I directed her to sit. She saw how serious I was and sat next to me her, legs twisted toward me, and said, “Whatever it is, it is going to be okay.”

  “Mom, my label was taken over by another label and they dropped me.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “They let me go.”

  “What? Why?” she said standing up.

  “They said they had another artist similar to me and a bunch of other things. So we going to have cut back on the spending.”

  She pulled me in to her chest and hugged me. “Can’t you get another record deal?”

  “Maybe, maybe not. Tony making some calls for me,” I said as I began to cry again.

  “This ain’t right. Oh, hell, no. How they going to this to my baby? Can’t you sue?”

  “No, Mom. Listen, something will happen. But for right now, I just want you to keep this to yourself. Don’t tell anyone,” I said as I rubbed my eyebrows and took a deep breath. I got up from the table.

  “I won’t.” She grabbed my shoulder and assured me again that it was going to be okay.

  Bubbles came in and sat at the table, and I saw she had dyed her hair blond. She was becoming a grown woman.

  “Why are you home? When are you going back to school?” I asked.

  “I’m not,” she said.

  “What do you mean you’re not?”

  “School isn’t for me,” she said as she slumped in the kitchen chair.

  “What is wrong with this girl? Why is she home?” I asked my mother like Bubbles wasn’t sitting in front of me.

  “Her playing around, not handling her financial aid. I asked her did she need help filling out her forms. She told me she had everything straightened out and it wasn’t. So she has to sit out until the spring.”

  “Mom, you are all wrong. That’s not what happened. I filled out my paperwork but they made a mistake. I didn’t get my financial aid. They called me down to student finances and told me I had forty-eight hours to pay my tuition or I had to leave,” Bubbles said.

  “What? They can’t do that,” I said.

  “Yes, they can and they did.”

  “Why didn’t y’all call me? How much is your tuition?”

  “Mommy said not to bother you. It is four thousand for my tuition, and my room and board is another two thousand for the semester.”

  “Six thousand dollars.”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you at least try to call and talk to somebody? They probably could put you on some type of payment arrangement.”

  “Already asked them, and they said no.”

  I opened my cell phone. “What’s the number? I’ll call. They can’t do that to you.”

  She gave me the number and sat and looked at me like I was wasting my time.

  “I already talked them. They are going to tell you the same thing,” she yelled.

  I ignored her and I asked for the financial aid office. They put me on hold for ten minutes, then I got a financial aid representative. She asked me for Bubbles’s social security number. I gave it to her and nicely explained the situation. The woman placed me on hold and came back on the line and said that her aid hadn’t come in from the state and that she needed $7,806 to return.

  “The
y told her six thousand.”

  “Whoever told her that didn’t include the late fee and the student activity fees,” the woman said.

  “Okay. Thank you, ma’am,” I said as I hung up.

  “I told you,” Bubbles said as I stood up from the table.

  “Bubbles, be quiet,” my mother said. “Somebody’s trying to help you.”

  “But I knew what I was talking about. It’s cool. I’ll just get a job and then go back next year.”

  She went upstairs. Damn. I felt bad I couldn’t even help her. If I paid for her to go back to school it would be almost every dollar I had. Knowing that still didn’t stop me from saying, “Bubbles, get your things.”

  “Where I’m going?”

  “To school.”

  “I’m not sure if they still have housing for me,” she said.

  My mother came up the steps and asked me, “Kendra? Are you sure you can afford this?”

  “The girl got to go school. Now pack, Bubbles.”

  Bubbles had never really unpacked. Even though she was acting like she didn’t care, she was happy to be going back to school. We took the two-hour ride to Penn State Berks campus. It was a little campus with all-new buildings and green grass everywhere. Kids were walking, books in hand, and talking on cell phones. We went to the bursar’s office. They still hadn’t canceled her classes, but they had given away her housing. She had to stay in an older building, but at least she was there. Her dorm room was small—there were two beds, two closets, and she had to share a bathroom with four other girls. We brought all of her stuff from the car.

  “Thank you so much, Kendra.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said. I felt good that she was going to be able to stay in school.

  “Amira, you have to take school serious, because if you don’t finish college you won’t be anything. You can’t get a job. I wish I wouldn’t have never left school and I had a college degree.”

  “But you took care of us, and look, you’re still rich. You have a record deal without school.”

  “I’m not rich. Listen, do not play. I just wrote a check for almost eight thousand. You have to get all A’s.”

  “I will. Thank you.”

  Tony called me but I still didn’t want to talk to him, so I told him I would call him back. Beazie had been calling me like crazy too. I finally had the heart to speak to him.

  “What’s up Kendra?”

  “Nothing much.”

  “So when you coming back to the city?” he asked.

  “I’m not.”

  “Why not?”

  “I give up. Ain’t no sense. You know what I’m saying. I just feel like maybe it ain’t for me.”

  “That’s not true. But I understand—keep in touch.”

  “I will.”

  After I got home I went straight to the daycare I had with John and Nita. The door was open and there was sawdust everywhere, and a man hammering another one was drilling. Nitra was standing behind the contractor making sure he wasn’t making the holes too big in the wall. Nitra was shocked to see me. She immediately gave me a hug and said, “Hey what are you doing here?”

  “Just stopping by. This is a real daycare,” I said as I looked around. “It is really coming together.”

  “Yeah. They’re almost finished wiring, but we still need to paint and lay the carpet down.”

  “How long before we be open?”

  “It’s July—I’d say about the end of August, right before school starts.”

  “Well, I’m home, so I can help.” Looking around I thought that I was glad I invested in the day care. At least I would have some money coming in.

  Chapter 31

  It was only me and my mother in our house, and she kept checking on me. I was okay. I was over the whole dropped thing. It was what it was. I was trying to refocus and plan the rest of my life. I was dodging calls from Beazie he was the only one who still called constantly even though I didn’t answer my phone. When I got a chance I was going to call him back. I hadn’t heard from Shelly one time yet, though. I knew she knows about everything. I think that is kind of fucked up, that she hasn’t checked on me. Fuck them all.

  I was looking through all my bills trying to do a budget. I wanted to see how much money we needed to survive each month. I used to give my mom money to pay the bills, so why weren’t they paid? I had a bunch of cut off notices. I ran down stairs and turned off the television.

  “Mom, why are all these bills behind?” My car note was three months behind and the house was two months late and in pre-foreclosure.

  “No, I didn’t know that. Let me see.”

  “I’ve been sending you money why wouldn’t you pay the bills.”

  “Oh, a lot of these bills are from May. That’s the month I tried to flip the bill money.”

  “How did you try to flip the bill money?”

  “I took some of it to down Atlantic City with me.”

  I was livid. I couldn’t even speak. I know my mother didn’t say she’d spent my bill money in the casino. I went off on her.

  “Do you know they can come and take this house and my car? What is wrong with you?” I asked her. I was so upset. If she wasn’t my mom. I would go off on her. Instead I started crying uncontrollably and walked in to the kitchen. My mother followed me and said, “You right Kendra, I was wrong. I can take that stuff back I just bought at Macy’s,” she said.

  I couldn’t listen to her explanation. I walked away from her.

  “Mom, leave me alone. You couldn’t even pay the bills. I can’t trust you. Don’t you know if you don’t pay bills, things get taken and turned off. When will you learn? First the drinking, and now you have to keep gambling. You don’t gamble with other people’s money Mom.”

  I tried to get the mortgage company on the phone. They said I had to make three mortgage payments. After catching up with all the other bills I was almost broke.

  I guess I really was going to have to get a job. I was so sick of being generous and people taking advantage of me. Nobody ever appreciated what I was doing for them. I wished I could go back to a year ago. I would do things so differently with that money.

  I got the newspaper and began looking for a damn job. There was nothing in the paper for bartenders. At this point I would do anything. I can’t go back to the bar; everybody thinks I’m supposed to be a star. Everybody was rooting for me. I know my boss would give me my job back, but I just couldn’t go back. I’d be too embarrassed.

  John called me and said that he needed to talk to me urgently about the daycare and to come down immediately. I drove down and saw our new Mind Garden daycare sign hanging up.

  “What’s going on”

  “We got shut down by L&I.”

  “Who is L&I?”

  “It’s license and inspection. Kendra, I’m sorry,” he said as he handed me a piece of paper. I reviewed the yellow and pink slips of paper. I looked them over and read that there were code violations and fines in the thousands of dollars.

  “How did this happen?”

  “The contractor said that he would take care of everything and he knew someone at City Hall who could get everything approved.”

  “So I guess he didn’t come through.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I was upset that John had neglected to tell me and Nitra that he’d cut a few corners with the building. One, the building that we were leasing was not in a commercial zoning area. Second, we didn’t have any permits for all the work we were doing. And lastly, the contractor we were using was not returning John’s calls and he was already paid. And we couldn’t get anybody else to finish the job because we were out of money. So basically it was a wrap.

  Chapter 32

  Nitra and John had been calling me apologizing. I actually wasn’t that mad. They thought I was upset with them, but I wasn’t—we all tried and it didn’t work out. That’s the way it happens sometimes. I went to see them. I hadn’t been doing anything but staying in the house. I hadn’t wanted to
go anywhere. I decided to go over in person and talk to Nitra.

  Nitra was in the kitchen making dinner. She took the pot of noodles off the stove and dumped them in the strainer. “You’re staying for dinner, aren’t you? I’m making spaghetti.”

  “No,” I said.

  “Please don’t be down, ’cause we feel like we are responsible. Like if you wouldn’t have invested with us at least you would still have ten thousand dollars.”

  “I’m not mad at y’all. Shit happens,” I said taking a seat.

  “I know it may not be something that you want to do, but my job is hiring.”

  “Really, I’ll take anything right now. What do I have to do?”

  “It’s a customer service rep job. You only get paid like fourteen an hour, but all you have to do is answer the phone. You know how to use Word?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Come up to my job and fill out an application. My supervisor loves me. I can definitely get you in,” she said as the doorbell rang.

  “Are you expecting someone?” I said as I went and answered the door.

  “No.”

  I opened to the door and saw Marcus. The moment I saw him I knew I wasn’t over what we went through. I wasn’t mad at Nitra and John for messing up the daycare, but I was mad at them for remaining friends with Marcus after all we’d been through.

  “Hey,” I said as I opened the door. He walked in behind me, and I grabbed my coat and told Nitra I would see her later.

  “You don’t have to leave,” Marcus said.

  “I know I don’t, but I was leaving anyway.” Nitra stood still; she didn’t know what to say.

  He followed me out the door and said, “Look, Kendra, I still want to be your friend. We’re still cool. I want you to meet my daughter.” He handed me a picture of her.