All I Want is Everything

by Daaimah S. Poole

  “She’s adorable. What’s her name?”

  “Taylor.”

  “That’s cute. How things working out with her mother?” I asked.

  “We was never together. That was a mistake. She’s still trying to get herself together. She let me have custody of her.”

  “How is Mr. Skip?”

  “He is doing good.”

  “Yeah, well, it was nice seeing you,” I said, handing the photo back to him.

  “Yeah, you too.”

  I went down the steps toward my car.

  “Kendra?”

  “Yes?” I said turning around

  “Do you think we can talk sometime, go out or do something?”

  “No, I don’t really think we have anything to talk about.”

  “We can still be friends. I want you in my life.”

  My mother had made dinner. It was just me and her. Bilal was out playing basketball with his friends.

  “Marcus was over at John’s house,” I said.

  “How’s he doing?”

  “Okay. His baby is cute. He has a daughter named Taylor.”

  “And you don’t have a problem with that?”

  “No, I didn’t want to have his baby,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. I think I had time to get over it. Worse shit had happened to me since Marcus. My mom cleared the table and I pondered over my thoughts. The cordless phone rang. I knew it wasn’t for me, but my mom was doing dishes, so I stood up and grabbed the receiver.

  “Hello, Kendra? Put Mommy on the phone. I want to come home.” Bubbles said.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I hate it here,” Bubbles said.

  “Why?”

  “Because I feel so poor. I don’t have a job. And if I work on campus I’m not going to make any money. I want to come home.”

  “And do what? No, you are not coming home.” I took a deep breath and said, “I just paid all this money for you to go to school and you think you’re going to come home?”

  “I’ll get a job and pay you back. I just want to come home. I hate college.”

  I couldn’t get my words together quick enough.

  “You know what, you little dumb bitch? If you want to be a fucking loser like your sister, like me, like your mother, like your father, then come the fuck home. You are the first one in the family to go to college and you want to come home? Go right ahead. Come home and do nothing with your life.”

  “Man, you not up here. It is so hard, and I don’t have a computer,” Bubbles yelled in my ear.

  “I don’t care. I didn’t have a lot of shit, but I did what the fuck I had to do.”

  “These white kids have rich parents that send them food and money. They have computers and Ipods in their room. I have to walk all the way across campus to use the stupid computer.”

  “Well, you know what? Just thank God that you can walk. I don’t care what you do. Come home and be a failure, Amira Thomas. Come on home, be a bum, get pregnant, have six baby daddies and get a welfare check. Or come home and do some crack. Fuck you. I’m tired of you, Amira,” I screamed as I slammed down the phone.

  I went to Nitra’s job and filled out an application. She told me what to write and introduced me to her supervisor and she says he would call me. I went home and started cleaning.

  “Bilal, come and put this trash out,” I yelled, purposely trying to embarrass him in front of all his friends. Everyone in this family made me sick. The house was a damn mess. I walked in the garage and there he was playing the drums like he was in the movie Drumline. The other two boys were playing the guitar and keyboard.

  “Didn’t I tell you to take the trash out?”

  “Yeah. I’m going to. I’m practicing. This is my band.”

  “Is that your sister that sing?” one of the boys asked.

  “Yeah, that’s her.”

  “Can you sing for us?”

  “She doesn’t sing anymore,” Bilal whispered and answered for me to his friend. He didn’t think I’d heard him, but I did. He was right—I didn’t sing anymore. I didn’t do a lot of things anymore. I was tired of everyone, and I wished I had somewhere to go instead of this house. Everyone was driving me crazy as I walked up the steps to my room. I heard my mom yell “Damn it. I missed the lottery by one number. It came two, three, six. I played two, four, six.” She was sickening because she didn’t get it. She wasn’t ever going to win. I was still mad at her from not paying bills. I couldn’t have another conversation with her on why she shouldn’t gamble. How we were behind on our bills. How I was fed up with her and this house. I had to get out of this damn house and right now.

  Chapter 33

  Nitra’s supervisor at Medical Alliance called to let me know I got the job. I was so happy I was going to have some stable income. I really needed it. I was going to be in training for thirty days learning the computer system. Then all I had to do was answer patients’ questions about their primary doctors. That seemed pretty easy, but it wasn’t. There were all these systems to learn, HIPAA, code of ethics, patient responsibility—stuff that made no sense but that I had to follow.

  I finished training and was on the floor as they called it. It just meant I was ready to take calls.

  My desk was in a small cubicle. There were no windows and very bland tan and off-white walls and carpet. I had a computer and a bunch of files on my desk. It was very dull and boring, but they paid for you to go back to school, and I had full benefits. And I’m going back to school for something. But first I have to get my GED. My days went by slow but at least it would help pay the bills. One evening I came home from work tired as hell. I opened the door and saw flowers on the table.

  “Mom, who sent you flowers?” I asked her as she watched the evening news.

  “They are for you,” she said, not bothering to look away from the television.

  “Really?” I said, smiling. I took the card and read it.

  Thinking of you. I miss you being in my life. Love, Marcus.

  I was touched. I called Marcus and said thank you. I heard a baby crying in the background.

  “You’re welcome. Won’t you come see me?”

  “No, I was just thanking you for the flowers.”

  “I really miss you Kendra.”

  I thought about it briefly and then said, “All right. I’ll be over.”

  Before I got out of the car Marcus was at the door waiting for me. He had a shirt, slippers, and basketball shorts on.

  “You look good. Can I get a hug?” he said reaching out to me. I gave him one and sat down.

  His daughter was asleep on the sofa. The first thing I noticed was everything in the house was remodeled. The living room had a brown and gold sectional and the carpet was a dark shade of brown. “You want to take a look around?” he asked proudly.

  I told him no and remained seated.

  “Go ahead, look around. I want you to see what I did around here.”

  I hesitantly got up and walked into the kitchen. It was very nice, like a kitchen out of a home magazine. There were plants and a new big window that used to be two separate windows, brown granite countertop, brown and white flooring and new pine cabinets. Marcus had fixed up the house like he had promised. He really did everything. I walked upstairs. The bathroom had shiny new tile, and his bedroom had a new bedroom set and wallpaper. The other two rooms were closed. Marcus was definitely piecing his life together. I felt happy for him but deep down I was a little jealous. I had talked about him so bad but he got his self together.

  I came back downstairs to find Marcus on the phone. He had the baby in one hand and the cordless phone in another. “Man, I can’t call it,” he said as he spoke to someone on the phone and motioned for me to sit. He told the person he would call them back.

  “Hold her. She just woke up,” he said as he handed me the baby.

  “No I don’t want to hold her,” I said as I gazed at her. She had on a blue sleeper and she was yawning. Her hair was full of tight curls,
and she was a chubby and a cinnamon color.

  “So what’s going on with you? When does your record come out?” he asked.

  “It’s not coming out,” I said. I waited for his response. Telling Marcus I got dropped wasn’t easy at all.

  “Damn, what happened? What are you going to do?” he asked while putting Taylor into her swing.

  “I’m working at Nitra’s job now.”

  “Well, you tried. They don’t know what they are missing. I’m sorry to hear that.” Everything he said seemed so bogus to me. He had a tiny smirk on his face. It wasn’t an “I’m so happy” smirk, it was more like an “I told you so” grin.

  “You’ll be all right.”

  “I know I will.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure. It’s just messed up,” I said as I broke down in tears in his arms and started feeling sorry for myself.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he said as he held me. His body was filled with warmth and comfort. I felt like not letting him go. “I love you Kendra. I never stopped caring about you.”

  “I love you too, Marcus.”

  “Why you leave me?” he said almost tearfully.

  “It don’t even matter just I’m glad you’re here with me now. Don’t you ever leave me again. I wasn’t trying to kill your dream. I just didn’t want them to hurt you like this. I’m still here for you. I don’t mess with that girl, she just had a baby for me. I wanted you to be the mother of my children. I want us to be together. Please forgive me.” I didn’t say anything. We both just cried together.

  Chapter 34

  I’d never fallen out of love with Marcus. I know me and him had been through a lot, but being with him now was like I never left. When we were apart it must have been a reality check for him because he really has changed. He makes me and the baby dinner and runs my bathwater after work. I feel like a surrogate had my baby, Taylor, for me because some days I think Taylor is mine. She favors Marcus a little but she really got her own look. She is the most precious, sweet, cute baby. She was always smiling up at me.

  Nobody in my family understands why I went back to Marcus and why I’ve been playing mommy to his daughter, but I told them it is not for them to understand. I’m happy. This is where I belong—with my family. No, it’s not the ideal family. But it is working for me.

  My job is another story. Already I hated it. I was sick of this loud and stupid clique of women who sat in my cubicle area. There was Sharon, Melody and Felicia. Felicia was the gossip—searching the Internet, reading blogs, talking about people, forwarding “God loves you” e-mails. Melody was just fat and always asking if you wanted to order food with her. And there was Sharon, my supervisor. She was just about thirty, and mean for no reason. She walked past my desk to see what I was doing all the time. I didn’t like that shit. I wasn’t a kid and I didn’t need to be monitored.

  Chapter 35

  I’ve been at my job for four weeks and I have hated every moment of it. My desk is still empty. I don’t have any pictures, plants, radios, or magnets. Because I don’t plan on staying. Today I am ready to quit. This is a good job for a regular person. I’m not saying I’m not regular. It’s just not for me. I don’t belong here. The only thing making me not quit was I knew I didn’t have any money. I kept telling myself to turn everybody off in the office and just get paid, but I can’t just sit somewhere for eight hours. I never had this type of job in my life. I hated answering the phone a hundred times a day. It was so boring. I walked to Nitra’s desk to tell her I was about to quit, but she wasn’t there. The woman who sat behind her said, “I think Nitra went to lunch.”

  I thanked her, went back to my desk and I logged on to my computer. “Thank you for calling Medical Alliance. How I may help you?”

  “I want to change my doctor.”

  I placed that lady on hold and changed her doctor, then told her, “Thank you. Have a nice day.” My next call was not as easy.

  “Hello, is my daughter eligible for bracelets?”

  “What type of bracelets?” I asked.

  “You know, the ones for your teeth.”

  “You mean braces.” I pushed my phone on mute and took a deep breath. I didn’t need this right now. This is why I wanted to quit, because of stupid people like her.

  “Yeah, braces. You know what the hell I mean. Can my daughter get something to fix her teeth?”

  I told her she would have to make an appointment with her dental provider and they would schedule her appointment with an orthodontist. She didn’t like my answer so she said just do your job you stupid bitch. I looked around to see who was looking and disconnected the call. I took my headset off. I didn’t want to talk to another person. I just wanted to leave.

  That was the last call. I couldn’t imagine getting more calls like that each day.

  A few more minutes went past and I was still thinking about my next move. I kept rubbing Bath & Body Works vanilla body lotion on my hands. I want to leave. I want to quit. I hate this job. It is stupid. I thought.

  Instead of leaving I went to the vending machine and I got some Famous Amos oatmeal cookies, then sat and ate the bag in the breakroom. I went to the bathroom and then I went back to the desk. I was trying not to quit. I was trying not to give up. If I quit what would I do? I have to take care of the bills. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. So I sat back down But then I looked around and said this is not for me. I have to get out of here. I have to quit.

  I walked away from my desk to the fire escape. I didn’t want to run into Sharon or Nitra, but it was time for me to break free, time for me to get away. Step by step my heart pumped faster and faster and faster. Then I ran down the steps and out of that job. I opened the large door that said EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY and saw the beaming bright sunlight and clear blue sky. I inhaled the fresh, cold air. It felt so good. I got in my car and I was officially free.

  I am going to have to call Nitra to tell her what happened; I didn’t want her to find out I quit from anybody but me. I dialed her extension an hour later. As soon as she heard my voice she whispered, “Why did you quit?”

  “I couldn’t take it.”

  “Now what are you going to do?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. I will have to do something.”

  “You should have just stayed until you found something else.”

  “I’m sorry I just couldn’t take it. I’ll talk to you later, okay.

  “All right.”

  I felt bad. Nitra had got me the job but the nine-to-five thing wasn’t for me. I felt trapped at that job. I have to do what I love even if it means being broke while I’m doing it. Another year was approaching, I was getting older and I had to do something with my life. I was about to be twenty-seven years old. That’s three years away from thirty and I still didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I went home and went to sleep. When I awake I’ll have the answer. Until then I buried myself in my pillows.

  Chapter 36

  John was at my house when I awoke; he had been going through it since the daycare had closed. Nitra has been chewing him out daily. She probably sent him over to check on me after I quit.

  “I heard what happened at the job. So what are you going to do now?” he asked, sitting on the edge of my bed.

  “I don’t know,” I said as I sat up.

  “I think you’re not going to be happy until you are doing what you love.”

  “No, that’s not true. I did what I loved and I got played. Now I’m stuck. I’ll figure it out.”

  “You’re not stuck.”

  “Yes, I am. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life John.”

  “I think you need to just go back to New York and make it happen for yourself. Since you been back you have not been happy.”

  “I’ve been happy. I just know I can’t work a nine-to-five. I have to find the right kind of job for me. Plus, it’s too late for me. I had my chance. I’m not dreaming no more, I’m going to live my
life.”

  “Stop saying that. There is no expiration on dreams. Forget everything that happened the last time.”

  “No, I can’t do it.”

  “Yes you can. Why can’t you? This time around it would be different.”

  “I don’t want to go and I have nothing to go go back to.”

  “Don’t that guy Beazie call you all the time still?”

  “Yeah, he probably could you help you find a place.”

  “I don’t have any money.”

  “I’ll give you money. I owe you ten thousand dollars.”

  I smiled then thought of another reason why I couldn’t leave.

  “All right, I hear you. But if I did go back to New York I don’t have anywhere to go. Plus, I just started back with Marcus. I can’t leave him again.”

  “If he wants you he will support you. But I don’t see it happening, though. To tell the truth he doesn’t want you to succeed. Everything Nitra tries to do, I support her. Even with that daycare, that was her thing, not mine. And he don’t feel the same way about your dreams.”

  “Yes, he does.”

  “No, he doesn’t.”

  “Marcus has changed a lot. He told me he supports me.”

  “I was talking to him and, fuck it, let me just tell you. Kendra, I knew that nigga for ten years. I know that man. He ain’t for you, sister. I love you. He and I were talking and I’m listening and this dude was saying like he knew it wasn’t going to work out for you. He’s just stunting your growth. Y’all shouldn’t even be back together. He can’t handle you trying to live your dreams.”

  “That’s not true, John.”

  “Yes, it is. You just need to get yourself together and go back to New York. You need to go and live your life and realize your dreams.”

  “Marcus loves me it and I’m getting too old to be chasing some dream. This is my reality. Plus, I don’t have a manager or a place to stay.”