A Little Harmless Addiction

by Melissa Schroeder

She wanted to say more, needed to, but she didn’t. She had already said too much. Instead, she got into her vehicle and slammed the door. As she started the car, Kai walked around to the driver’s side.

  “I don’t want you to go away mad.”

  She blew out a breath, trying to calm her irritation. She’d had a bad temper once upon a time. The meds she’d been taking had evened everything out, cooled any anger she’d once had to fight on a daily basis. It had been good for her for awhile. After the attack, she couldn’t handle the myriad of emotions that had crashed in on her. Finally, when she was ready to handle her life again, she’d been weaned off them. The deeper emotions had surfaced and controlling them was sometimes hard. Most of the time, she came out looking like an ass.

  “No. I’m not mad. I’m frustrated.”

  “Believe me, I know the feeling.”

  She glanced at him then. “Why then?”

  “I meant what I said. I want to make sure I’m what you want.”

  She nodded. “I’ll let you know.”

  And with that, she threw the car into drive and took off. She couldn’t deal with Kai or her need for him. Not tonight.

  Jocelyn bit into the sugary dough and hummed. When she opened her eyes, she found Cynthia smiling at her.

  “I told ya. They are heaven.”

  Jocelyn chewed it, then swallowed before answering.

  “Lord, that is good. You said they sell them with fillings?”

  Cynthia nodded. “Not here, but some of the places around here have fillings, like you would in a donut.”

  Jocelyn sighed. “God, like I need another tempting morsel to make my hips wider.”

  Cynthia’s smile turned into a grin. “Darling, you do not have huge hips. You have a gorgeous figure.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Said from the little petite beauty queen.”

  Cynthia laughed. “But not for long. I can’t wait to get huge.”

  Jocelyn heard the yearning in Cynthia’s voice and understood it. She had worked with a lot of pregnant women and knew before the tired feet and swollen ankles, many of them couldn’t wait until they were showing.

  “How is Chris doing?”

  “Better now that he keeps saltines and water by the bedside.” Cynthia studied her. “And stop laughing.”

  “I’m sorry. If you knew what a pain in the ass he was as a brother when I was growing up, you would understand. Hell, what a pain in the ass he is being right now.”

  Cynthia’s expression turned serious. “You’ve been through a rough patch, hun. He’s just worried about you.”

  It made her feel petty and small complaining. She knew what she had put her family through because of Greg. It also pissed her off.

  “Are you sure he didn’t warn Kai off?”

  Cynthia cocked her head as she studied her. “Not sure. I don’t think he has, and the truth is, if he did it wouldn’t matter what he said to Kai. Kai marches to his own drummer.”

  Jocelyn sighed and looked away to study the busy street. Cynthia had met her up at the house and they had run into Wahiawa to do a little exploring. It was different from the cool urban streets of Honolulu. Locals mixed in with military because they were close to one of the Army bases. Here was what she thought of as the real Hawaii.

  She felt Cynthia’s hand slip over her fist. She looked over at her and saw sympathy. “What happened?”

  Jocelyn sighed. “You’re as bad as Shannon. She always knew when something was bothering me.”

  The moment she said it, Cynthia’s eyes filled with tears.

  “I’m sorry. What did I say?”

  Cynthia picked up a napkin and dabbed her eyes as she sniffed. “You compared me to your sister.”

  “I told you I thought of you as my sister.”

  Another gush of tears filled Cynthia’s eyes and Jocelyn started to panic. Cynthia must have seen it on her face because she laughed. “No. Don’t worry. It still amazes me the way the Duprees all accept me.”

  Jocelyn knew of Cynthia’s life before Chris, her hard father and the totally buttoned-down woman she had been before meeting her brother. It was hard to see that woman in the one who sat before her. She didn’t wear a stitch of make-up, her T-shirt had seen better days, and the jeans she wore, well, they had too. On top of it, the black nail polish on her toes was another bit that didn’t fit the old Cynthia image.

  “Oh, sweetie. You know all the Duprees love you to pieces. If anything, you keep Chris in line.”

  “I try,” she said with a watery chuckle. Jocelyn watched Cynthia pull herself together. “Don’t think I’m done with you. What happened with you and Kai?”

  She shrugged, not really sure. “We had a great day out. He showed me around the windward side. We stopped at an L and L to eat.”

  “Then what?”

  “He kissed me.”

  Cynthia digested that for a second. “That’s it?”

  She nodded. “Then he said he didn’t want to push, and left.”

  “Bastard,” Cynthia said, amusement threading her voice. “Trying to be decent.”

  “Yeah. It gets worse. When I went to dinner at his house, I attacked him.”

  Cynthia’s eyebrows rose to her hairline. “In front of his father and grandfather?”

  She laughed. “No. When he walked me out to my car.”

  “What happened? Did you make out in the car?”

  “I would have never guessed you for a voyeur.”

  Cynthia shrugged. “My hormones are going whackadoodle. I either want sex all the time, or not at all.”

  “Poor Chris.”

  “Since it’s his kid, he has to deal with it. So what happened after the attack?”

  “I kissed him, then he said he wanted to make sure I wasn’t using him to prove something. And he didn’t want to push.”

  “I hate when they go all hero on you.” Cynthia sipped her tea. “But then it makes me all gooey.”

  Jocelyn sighed, thinking about the incident and the tone of his voice. “I know.”

  “Have you talked to him since then?”

  She shook her head. “I thought about it, but then…” She let her words trail off.

  “You didn’t want to chase after him and look pathetic?”

  Jocelyn nodded. “I kissed him right there that night and he rejected me.”

  “Was he good? I always thought Kai would make the world melt.”

  Jocelyn laughed. “Yeah, well, I think I melted right there, on the sidewalk. I could feel it all the way to my toes.”

  Cynthia sighed. “I had a feeling. He’s always sort of been this good guy, but you could sense the naughtiness beneath. Sort of like Chris.”

  “Oh, ew, don’t compare them. That’s icky.”

  Cynthia laughed. “No, I just mean both of them are pretty responsible, and I think not because they have to be. Well, Kai had to a bit. His father and grandfather aren’t the best people to be in charge of three kids.”

  “How old was Kai when their mother died?”

  “Hmm, May was twelve, so I guess Kai was thirteen, fourteen. At the most, he was fifteen. I know he dropped out of school a year or so later to work the docks.”

  “Really? I would have thought with his mind for business he would have at least had some college.”

  “I have a feeling there wasn’t enough money. Plus, May has always said that Kai was a guy who didn’t go for college. He didn’t always do that well in school, never applied himself. But they needed the money more than likely. May’s mother didn’t have much of an insurance policy. They were probably in a bind financially. And as I said, being responsible, Kai understood. Of course, he did pretty good for himself.”

  Jocelyn felt for him. Not pity, but a sense of admiration. As a boy, he had made choices that some men wouldn’t be able to deal with. And dammit, it made her like him even more. She had never had to make the choice of what she wanted to do in life. Her family had made sure that she could make it to culinary school without ques
tion.

  “He seems to like his job now.”

  “Yeah, he does. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s a charmer. But I have a feeling working the docks at the age of sixteen isn’t fun. Now he has the money to do what he wants, but before, it had to have been hard.”

  Jocelyn groaned. “And that just makes him even more fascinating. Dammit.”

  Cynthia laughed. “He probably knows something happened with you. Chris was gone and well, everyone knows it was for you. That’s why he’s being so gentle.”

  “That’s what I was thinking.”

  “Plus, he is still trying to recover from Keisha.”

  The way she said the woman’s name made Jocelyn think she didn’t like her.

  “What happened?”

  “Well, Kai is sort of, I hate to say it, but he’s always been a good rebound guy. Not that he minded from what I could tell. But Keisha…they had dated in high school—remember I am getting this all secondhand from May.”

  Jocelyn nodded.

  “Anyway, they went to prom together the year after Kai dropped out. Then they sort of went their separate ways. Keisha went back to the mainland for a while, then came back. Anyway, she was dating this real loser about a year ago, then she kicked him out. May was pretty sure the guy was abusing her. Dee thinks so too. Kai and Keisha started dating and I don’t know, Kai…I have never seen him fall like that. I mean, he dated women, but he started bringing her to our get-togethers, like the one the other night.”

  “What happened?”

  “She dumped him. Dumped for the asshole who abuses her. Keisha has a lot of issues, one of them being that her father was pretty much an abusive asshole. But as you can expect, Kai took it really hard. He didn’t really date for months. Well, you were probably the first date he’d had in a while.”

  “I would think a man like that would have his pick of women.”

  Cynthia nodded. “Yeah. That’s why I know he was hurt. So he might be a little leery of rushing in. Especially since you’re Chris’s sister and May works for him. Sticky situation. Like I said, good man.”

  Jocelyn sighed. She couldn’t win.

  “What?”

  “Well, I can’t get a scumbag to leave me alone, but a good guy goes running for the hills.”

  Cynthia shook her head. “No, honey. It might be he’s looking for something more and wants to take his time.”

  “What if I can’t give him more?”

  Cynthia sighed. “Then I guess you have to take your time. No one expects you to have the answers, Jocelyn.”

  “I feel like I should, that I should be able to figure it out.”

  Even she heard the frustration in her voice along with a hint of whine. She hated it. Hated the feeling of not being in control.

  “Are you okay? I know the last few days have been hard on you.”

  Since she’d started working at Cynthia’s, Jocelyn had been dealing daily with some of her new anxieties. It had been hard the first day, the initial fear of so many people. But the work had soon filled her day and she found herself lost in her love of baking.

  “No, in fact, I think it saved me. And it helped make sure that your child has a father. Chris was going to drive me nutty with his mothering.”

  Cynthia laughed. “Well then I have done my part. Just remember that he loves you. And, remember, Kai does like you. He definitely has a thing for you from the way he watches you. Both of you just need to figure out where to go from here.”

  “I hate waiting. So I guess I will console myself with another mallasada. Want one?”

  “Always.”

  “Good morning, Jocelyn.”

  Jocelyn smiled as she turned and found Mr. Aiona standing on the other side of the counter. He had been in each of the six mornings she had opened the bakery.

  “Good morning, Danny. I would say I was surprised to see you here, but that would be a lie.”

  He chuckled. “How about you say you’re happy that I am here?”

  She couldn’t help but let her smile widen. As each day had slowed down between the breakfast and lunch rush, Danny would come in, coax her into a cup of coffee and conversation. Cynthia came walking from the back, a little pale.

  “Are you okay?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. Better. Don’t tell your brother.”

  “As long as you lie and tell him I didn’t know when he finds out. And you know he’ll find out.”

  Cynthia waved that away but they knew she was right. “Hey, Danny. How are you doing today?”

  “Fine, just fine. Is that keiki giving you problems?”

  “Just in the mornings. Doc says I’ll be fine. You can take your break now, if you want to, Jocelyn.”

  “Sure. Want to try my first attempt at malassadas?” she asked Danny.

  His eyes lit. “Oh, yes. One of my favorite things.”

  She hid a smile. Everything she offered was one of his favorite things. She had a feeling that since May had moved out, Mr. Aiona had been a little lonely for companionship. Kai and Danny, Jr., his younger son, were busy with their lives.

  They took a seat outside to enjoy the cool morning air. Jocelyn breathed it in and hummed. “I don’t think I have smelled air so sweet as here in Hawaii.”

  “You got that right. Can’t stand the mainland myself.”

  “Your son told me the same thing.”

  He nodded. “Smart boy.”

  Jocelyn sipped her coffee as she watched Danny bite into the mallasada. His eyes widened. “Oh, that is good.” He nibbled at it. “Very good.”

  “I’ll pack you some up for your father.”

  Danny nodded. “He’ll enjoy that. I take it you’re enjoying your time in Hawaii?”

  “Yes, sir. It’s so…relaxed here. No one is really fussy. It reminds me a lot of New Orleans that way.”

  He studied her for a second. “You miss home.”

  “Yeah. But I haven’t lived there in years really. I spent most of my time in Atlanta. But now I am trying to understand just why I did that.”

  He smiled at her, the same kind of fatherly smile she got from her own father. But there was a hint of Kai there in the way his eyes sparkled. “Sometimes it is the journey that’s important.”

  She nodded. “Maybe you’re right. I kept saying things like that to myself when I was in the hospital.”

  Understanding softened his features. “Yeah. But we went through that too. I have always thought that things happen for a reason. May’s problem brought her and Evan together and now he is in our lives.” She heard the love there, for May and Evan. “You’re here because of what happened in Atlanta. Sometimes we have to be reminded of precious things.”

  She didn’t hesitate as she leaned forward and kissed his weathered cheek. His face flushed. “You are the sweetest man. How come some wonderful woman hasn’t snapped you up?”

  “There was only woman for me.”

  The sureness of his voice told her it was nothing but the unvarnished truth. She felt her heart turn over in her chest.

  “She was very lucky.”

  He shook his head. “You have to understand. Every man is lucky if they find a woman to put up with them.”

  She sat back and allowed the conversation to move to something lighter and enjoyed his company. As Danny said, sometimes the journey is as important as the destination.

  “Hey, Kai, is that your father at the dock?” Tommy asked.

  Kai looked up and saw his father standing there. A rush of fear came first. His grandfather hadn’t been doing well, but then he took in his father’s smile and his relaxed posture and released a breath.

  “Yeah. I wonder what he wants.”

  After they got the boat docked, he left his crew to handle the fishermen and their catches for the day.

  “What’re doing down here, Pop?”

  “Nothing much.” He handed him a bag. “Been by Cynthia’s.”

  He opened the bag and a fresh wave of sugary sweetness hit him. “Mallasadas. I didn�
�t know Cynthia was making them.”

  “She’s not. Jocelyn is.”

  Just the mention of her had Kai’s body reacting. His heart slipped into an erratic rhythm and his palms grew damp. He glanced at his father and felt a bit of alarm when he took in his knowing look. To cover his embarrassment, he motioned for the bench.

  Once they were settled his father said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with the men on this island. That girl has been here a few weeks and she doesn’t seem to go out much.”

  Kai shrugged. “She has to be into Cynthia’s early.”

  “There are enough of them buzzing around her.”

  He glanced at his father. “What do you mean?”

  “There are a lot of guys who pop in for lunch. Cynthia said there’s been a rise in businessmen showing up for lunch.”

  Anger and jealousy hit him square between the eyes. He pushed it aside. “Jocelyn’s a good-looking woman.”

  “And sweet. Why aren’t you dating her?”

  “I’m not having this conversation. She needs time to put her life back together again, Pop.”

  Sympathy and understanding filled his expression. “She’s not Keisha.”

  “I know that. But I just…just let it go.”

  He nodded. “Okay. If you want to give up a beautiful woman like that, you go right ahead.”

  “I’m not giving her up. I’m giving her time.”

  His father frowned. “What the hell for?”

  “She needs time to adjust to her new life.”

  “Pooh. Your generation thinks too much. Not enough action.”

  He laughed. “I remember one time you complained that I did too much action.”

  His father sighed. “I’m giving up. I have to go pick up your grandfather who spent the morning probably getting more action then either of us has gotten in a good long while.”

  Kai laughed. “How about we eat out tonight at Duprees?”

  Something came and went in his father’s eyes, but he couldn’t tell what it was. “That sounds like a plan.”

  Chapter Seven

  Jocelyn smiled at Chris as she watched him try and hold back another wave of nausea. “Stop it. I told you I would beat you if you made fun of me.”

  “You shouldn’t be such a puss then,” Evan said from the chair next to her. She laughed.