Chasing Desire

by Jennifer Domenico

  Walking briskly over to Macy, I tell her I’m leaving and give her a hug. I say my goodbyes to everyone, explaining that I’m tired and just want to go home. As I walk to my car, I text Mackenzie.

  Me: I don’t know why you feel like you need to act this way.

  Mac: I can do whatever I want. So can you.

  Me: Don’t push me.

  Mac: Or what?

  Me: You want me to make you jealous like you’re doing to me?

  Mac: I don’t get jealous and if you think you fucking two little girly interns is going to do it, you’re wrong.

  Oh, she’s infuriating! I don’t even have a comeback for that. I sit in my car for a minute before I think of a response.

  Me: Well, maybe we’ll just see what does do it.

  Mac: Is that a threat?

  Me: Sounds like a challenge to me.

  Mac: Whatever.

  Me: Yeah, whatever, Mac. Have fun hanging out with the douche canoe.

  Mac: Very mature.

  Me: That’s me.

  I shake my head before putting the car into drive. I knew Mackenzie was fierce, but man, she is something else when she’s pissed off. At this rate, I have no chance of getting her back. That much is clear. The thought causes a strange sensation in me. My chest tightens and I struggle to breathe for a minute. What the fuck? Rolling down my window to get some air, the thought hits me that my life was a hell of a lot better before Mackenzie Reed walked into it. No, not better, but definitely easier. If it’s this easy for her to walk away, then I guess we never meant anything at all. The best thing I can do for myself now is start the process of getting the fuck over her. I just hope I can.

  Pulling out of the parking lot, I drive down the street on my way home. My mind is racing as I replay the last several months in my head. I feel really bad about hurting Stacey over Mackenzie. I wonder if she’s okay. She shouldn’t have come over like she did. I sigh and find myself turning the opposite direction of home. I drive straight to Ariel’s. It’s time to make peace with Stacey.

  Pulling up in front of my sister’s house, I sit quietly in my car for a few minutes thinking about what to say to her. That is, if she’ll talk to me. I notice that Ariel’s car is gone, so Stacey is probably alone. At least we can talk without interference.

  I step out of the car and walk slowly to the front door, taking a deep breath before I knock. Stacey appears moments later and when she sees it’s me, she starts to close the door. I put my foot in the way to stop the door from slamming shut.

  “Stacey, wait,” I say. “Can we talk?”

  “Oh, now you want to talk?”

  “Yeah, I do. Can I come in?”

  She sighs, but steps to the side to allow me to enter. I walk in and sit on the couch. Stacey continues to stand by the front door, with her arms crossed.

  “Come sit with me,” I suggest.

  Stacey reluctantly walks towards me and sits next to me on the couch. I pull her hand into mine and hold it.

  “Stacey, I’m really sorry for what happened between us. I was confused by everything. I didn’t remember much from the night before and Mackenzie’s appearance shocked me.”

  “It’s my fault. I knew you were drunk, but I just wanted to be there with you. I felt like after I told you I was a virgin, you didn’t give me a chance.”

  “We had fun that night, but I wasn’t prepared for something like that. I didn’t want to lead you on.”

  “I know. It was dumb of me to chase you and now you’re with that woman. She works with you, right? I remember her.”

  “Yeah, she does.” I run my fingers through my hair. “We aren’t together anymore, though. She broke it off.”

  “Because of me?”

  “Yeah. She has trust issues.”

  Stacey starts to cry. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for anything bad to happen. We didn’t do anything, I swear. Do you want me to talk to her?”

  “No, definitely not. She’s hostile right now.”

  “Did you really like her?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  She cries a little harder now and I pull her into my arms. “I ruined everything,” she cries. “You must hate me!”

  I stroke her hair as she cries against my chest. “You didn’t ruin everything and I definitely don’t hate you. If I did, would I even be here?”

  “I wish I didn’t have so many hang ups. I want to have sex with you, I really do.”

  I nod my head. “I’m glad I wasn’t drunk enough to take advantage of you the other night. That would make this moment even worse.”

  “There is a part of me that wants you to be the one so bad.”

  “I don’t think that would be good. I’m wrapped up in Mackenzie right now.”

  “I know, but…” She buries her face in the crook of my neck and I feel little kisses along my skin. As she does this, she presses her body against me. Oh fuck, I cannot let this happen right now.

  “Stace, don’t do this. You don’t want to go there with me.”

  “Yes, I do. Please, Brayden, just one kiss.”

  I look down at her big blue eyes staring back at me, silently begging me to concede. I quickly examine my emotions and not one of them is desire or longing. There is nothing in me that wants to make love to this girl. I just want my Kenzie back.

  “I can’t. I don’t want to be the guy who devastates you and I will eventually. My heart…” I take a deep breath. “My heart is with another woman and you deserve better than that. There will be a man someday worthy of the gifts you have to offer, but that man isn’t me.” I kiss her forehead.

  “You don’t want me?” she whispers.

  “This is hard for me. I don’t like hurting you, but I can’t sit here and pretend I should be the first man who makes love to you. I’m not him. Not even close.”

  “What if I don’t care? What if I just want you? We can just do it and be casual about it.”

  “That is not what you want and I don’t want you to hate me eventually.”

  Stacey lies against my chest and I hold her tight, rubbing her back. I hear her silent sobs and wish I could make her pain go away.

  “This really sucks that you fell for someone and because of me it got all screwed up.”

  “You know what? This needed to happen with me and Mac. The only way to know the strength of a relationship is through testing it. This is our first trial and only time will tell if we make it past this. Whatever the outcome, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I knew I was in a relationship and I really shouldn’t have let you stay.”

  “You were drunk. You did ask me to leave about five times and I ignored it. You also talked about Mackenzie nonstop and I ignored that, too. I knew you were in love with someone else.”

  “I never said I was in love with her.”

  “You did that night. I was lying against you and rubbing your chest and you said, ‘I love you, Kenzie’, so yeah, I knew.”

  “I said that?”

  “Clear as day. More than once.”

  I look down at the floor. “I didn’t know that.”

  “That you said it or that you are in love with her?”

  “Both.”

  “Your guard was down.”

  “Yeah.”

  “If she doesn’t take you back it wasn’t meant to be.”

  “I know.”

  “I’ll be waiting for you just in case.”

  “Stacey, don’t wait for me. Find someone who can give you one hundred percent of themselves. Why would you want to be my second choice?”

  “I’d rather be your second choice than not on the list at all.”

  “Stacey…” I have no idea what to say to that. She definitely gets points for persistence.

  “I won’t get in your way and I won’t make things hard for you.” She takes my hand and places it under her t-shirt against her soft, naked skin. “If you ever want me, for anything at all, I’m here.”

  I want to pull my hand away, but I don’t. I close my
eyes and exhale deeply as she drags my hand across her perky little boobs. Resisting the urge to squeeze them, I shift uncomfortably. I don’t want to go there with this girl. Suddenly, she pulls her shirt over her head and I’m sitting next to a half-naked Stacey.

  “Stop this.”

  “Don’t you think I’m pretty? You wanted me that night of our date.”

  “You are beautiful, but my heart is not in this.”

  “I don’t care,” she whispers. “I just want you to touch me.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Of course you can. You are right now. Mackenzie isn’t here. She let you go like a fool. Why did you come to see me? There must be a reason.”

  “I came to make peace. Nothing more than that.”

  She reaches over and rubs my dick that so far has decided to keep a low profile. I pray he stays that way. I attempt to move away from her, but she climbs on my lap.

  “Give in to me.”

  I don’t even know how to act right now. Stacey is coming on hard and strong and clearly has no intention of letting me go. It’s actually starting to piss me off. I grab her by the waist and throw her down on the couch, roughly pulling her sweat pants off. She gasps when I literally tear the white cotton panties off of her. Spreading her legs wide, I hover above her.

  “Is this what you want? You want me to fuck you on my sister’s couch? You want to lose your virginity to someone who doesn’t love you? Cuz if that’s what you want, I can give that to you, but I’ll walk out of here a few minutes after it’s over and wish I was with Mackenzie. Is that what you want?”

  “If it’s all I can get.”

  “Fine.” I look down at the girl trembling beneath me and all I feel is disgust. She is lowering her standards to get me and for what? If I fuck this girl, she’ll get what she thinks she wants. I’ll feel like shit and ultimately, she’ll regret it. She looks afraid. Her body is tense and a tear escapes her eye and runs down her cheek. I pull her by the arm and hold her against me. “I can’t do it like this, Stacey. I can’t take this from you. I’m sorry.”

  She angrily pulls away from me. “What’s wrong with me?! Why don’t you want me? Am I not good enough for you? I know I won’t be good at it, but I can learn. I want to learn for you.”

  I hand her the shirt she was wearing. “Cover yourself up. You’re not just some girl who I will fuck and leave.” I stand up. I need to leave if I want to avoid any more drama.

  “Why can’t you just let me decide?”

  “Because I have feelings, too! I know what it feels like to hurt someone’s feelings and to make a girl feel used. I don’t want to use you for sex.”

  “Would it be different if I wasn’t a virgin?”

  “I don’t know. It might be easier, but honestly, I don’t know if I can go back to being the guy I used to be. I can’t treat you like some whore I’m fucking. I can’t and I won’t, no matter what you think you want right now. It’s best in the long run.”

  Stacey puts her shirt on and pouts on the couch. “I don’t know when you got a conscience, but I wish you hadn’t. I finally decided I wanted to lose this burden of virginity and I wanted it to be with a man who excites me and makes me feel beautiful and suddenly you’re worried about how I feel about it. Great fucking timing I have.”

  “I’m sorry, Stacey.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ll leave now. I hope you understand all of this. If not now, then maybe someday.”

  Stacey nods her head. I walk towards the door and turn back to look at her sitting on the couch. She looks frail and childlike, not at all like the woman who moments earlier bared her body to me.

  “You deserve more, Stacey. Hopefully, you’ll come to understand that.”

  She shrugs and doesn’t say anything else.

  “Come here, give me a hug.”

  Stacey stands, putting her sweats back on and walks slowly towards me. I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head.

  “It’s all going to work out the way it should,” I say. “I believe that.”

  “Me, too,” she says quietly. “I’m sorry for-”

  “Don’t be sorry anymore. Let’s just move forward, okay?”

  “Okay.” She looks up at me.

  “Something even better is around the corner for you. I’m sure of it.” I lean down and kiss her cheek. “Goodnight, Stacey.”

  “Night, Brayden.”

  I walk outside and get in my car and Stacey watches me the whole time before finally closing the door. If I had done that, it would only prove what Mac already thinks happened. My idea to make things cool between me and Stacey didn’t go as planned, but maybe the hurt feelings are a little less than they were. Truth be told, I know in my heart that if I really want to win Mackenzie back, I can’t be fucking around with other women, especially not Stacey.

  Pulling out of the driveway, I almost run into a jogger on the street. I slam my breaks and the runner waves in thanks and continues on. I can’t put my finger on it, but something is familiar about the person. It’s too dark to really recognize anyone. Oh well, it’s probably nothing. I drive home, wishing I could take back the last 72 hours and go back to Saturday night before my love life went to shit.

  My alarm clock goes off, startling me awake. I was up half the night and fell asleep just in time to wake up again. Fantastic. Pulling myself out of bed, I start my shower and brush my teeth. I look like shit, with dark circles under my eyes and pale skin. People say being in love is incredible, but for me it’s been nothing but trouble.

  Standing in the shower, my mind drifts back to last night and Mackenzie trying to make me jealous with that asshat Tony. I wonder what work will be like now with her. I can’t let her get to me in that setting. I have to stay on my A game and keep my feelings for her buried. I quickly finish getting ready and drive to the office, ready to face the day and the woman I love, but can’t tell. Sweet.

  “Morning, boss,” Macy says as I walk in.

  “Morning.”

  She quickly follows me into my office. “What was that shit last night?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, interns giggling and Mackenzie talking to Tony and laughing. I’ve never seen her act like that before.”

  “Well, I think it’s obvious what’s happening. She wants to make me jealous.”

  “Is it working?”

  “What do you think?”

  “Judging from your appearance, I’m guessing yes.”

  “You’d be right.”

  “Have you tried talking to her?”

  “In case you haven’t noticed, she is being a complete bitch towards me right now.”

  “I noticed.”

  “Yeah, so no, I haven’t tried reasoning with her.” I sigh and turn on my computer. “Things just keep getting more and more fucked up. Last night I tried talking to Stacey and she begged me to have sex with her.”

  “Did you?”

  “No way. I’m not that stupid. She’s already way too attached to me and that would only make it worse. Besides, I only want Mac. I just have to figure out how to get that to happen.”

  “Just give it some time. Maybe all Mackenzie needs is some time to get things into perspective.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” I look at my calendar. “Staff meeting at nine.”

  “Yep. Be cool and stay professional. You’re both good at that.”

  “As long as I don’t lose my shit in front of everyone. That woman knows how to push my buttons like no other. If I find out she fucked Tony, I’ll beat his ass and fire her.”

  “Okay, now, you can’t do that. First of all, it’s illegal. Second of all, you know that Mackenzie wouldn’t do that. You were her exception to the rule. If she was gonna sleep with someone to piss you off, no way it would be a coworker. No way.”

  “Good point. On both counts. She’s driving me crazy.”

  “That’s what love does to people.”

  “Really? I don’t like it then.”

&
nbsp; “Isn’t it amazing to feel so strongly about a person that they can cause such a stir inside of you? Don’t you love the feeling that you get when you see her? Your heart beats a little faster, your stomach flutters. I imagine you feel a little heat in your special bits.”

  “Special bits?” I repeat, laughing.

  “Yes, that warmth that spreads through your body when you remember how her kiss feels, and how her hands feel as they explore your body. That excitement that rushes through you when she says your name or smiles knowingly in your direction. The desire that grabs ahold of you when you recall the softness of her skin and how she knows just the way you need to be touched. That’s what love does, even when it’s driving you crazy.”

  “Damn, Macy. You nailed it. That is exactly how I feel about Mac.”

  “I know. It’s written all over your face. Quite frankly, it’s all over hers, too. When you left last night, her entire demeanor changed. Gone was the laughing, flirtatious girl and in her place was a sullen one.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Definitely. In fact, I think she left fifteen or twenty minutes after you did.”

  “Did she leave with anyone?”

  “No.”

  “Okay.”

  “It’s all going to work out, Brayden. If she’s the right one, she’ll come back to you.”

  “I guess.”

  “You have to believe that.”

  “I do. Sort of.”

  Macy laughs. “You have to.”

  “I guess I have to just man up for now and get my job done.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Thanks for the pep talk.”

  “It’s part of my job description.”

  I laugh. I needed the talk and to make sure I think clearly about all my actions. I grab my planner and head to my morning meeting, knowing that in just a little while, I’ll be faced with Mackenzie Reed again.

  When I walk into the conference room, Mackenzie is already there. She looks tired, too, and I wonder if she can’t sleep, either. All I want right now is to hold her and tell her how I feel.