Chasing Desire

by Jennifer Domenico

  “Sure.” I shrug my shoulders in an effort to appear unaffected by the mention of her name. At least I know she plans to talk to me today. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Sounds good,” Matt says as he heads to his office.

  I walk through quickly, acknowledging everyone. When I get to Mac’s desk, I say good morning, to which she politely responds and returns to her work.

  “Matt tells me you needed to speak to me today?” I say.

  “Yes,” she looks up at me and her expression is deadly. She is still clearly pissed at me. “I can work with Macy to find a suitable time.”

  “I have time now.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. I’ll get my information and come up in a few minutes.”

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  Mackenzie glares at me and offers a tense smile. “Fine.”

  I stand and wait by the elevators for her to join me. When the doors open, we step on, but we both remain silent. What we have to say needs to be done in private. We get to my office and after a brief hello to Macy, we go in my office and I shut the door. When I turn around, Mackenzie is seething.

  “I won’t be staying long. We’re over, Brayden. I don’t need a man in my life who gets himself in situations like this. Trust is the most important thing to me and I’ve lost that with you. It’s best if we go back to being colleagues before anyone gets hurt.”

  “Just like that? Everything we have is just done to you. Is that how you handle things? When it’s hard or uncomfortable you just bail?”

  “Fuck you.”

  “That’s mature.”

  “So is waking up with some chick after a drunken binge. Very classy.”

  “I’m not allowed to make a mistake? I fucked up, I get that, but you’re going to just throw away everything that we have?”

  “Everything we have? We have sex. Lots of it. Is it nice? Yeah, it is. Can I find other people to have sex with? Any time I want. Clearly, you can, too.”

  “That’s all you think there is between us? Just sex?”

  “Yes. Am I wrong?”

  “I’m not allowed to tell you how I feel, remember? I have to keep everything to myself.” I don’t know why, but I suddenly can’t hold myself back. I rush towards her and pull her close to me, kissing her hard. My fingers tangle in her hair, but she resists, trying to pull away from me.

  “I won’t let you go, not this easily.” She fights me, but finally her mouth opens to mine and she relaxes against me. She returns my hungry kiss with equal appetite. Our hands run over each other’s bodies and for a brief few minutes I hope that we can overcome this. I don’t want to stop kissing her. I need to kiss her. It’s all I’ve ever needed.

  I push her back against my desk, laying her against it, glad when she doesn’t push me away. I’m surprised when she reaches forward to unfasten my belt, but I don’t question it. I want her so bad right now. My hands run up the side of her thigh, lingering on the soft silk of her stockings, before pushing her skirt around her waist. I pull her panties down with one hand while shoving my other hand under her blouse to get ahold of her amazing tits.

  Mackenzie grabs hold of my dick and guides me inside her. I push deep into her as her legs wrap around my waist. Pounding into her, I try to pull back to look into her beautiful green eyes, but she holds me close, preventing my movement. She feels amazing. This woman has the most exquisite pussy known to man.

  I reach between us, rubbing the spot that makes Mackenzie scream. Her body tenses beneath me and she holds her breath, alerting me to the orgasm about to hit. When it does, she remains silent, but digs her nails into my back whispering ‘fuck’ as she does. That’s all it takes for me to lose it and I pump into her, releasing all my pent up desire deep inside the beauty beneath me.

  We lie against each other, breathing hard. Her arms and legs fall away from me and I pull back to look at her. She looks away from me, so I take her chin to turn her face back to me.

  “Mac, what we have is special,” I whisper.

  “Please don’t.” She turns away. “Don’t try to break me down. I know what I want.”

  “Do you?”

  Mackenzie finally looks at me and all I see in her eyes is a mixture of pain and resolve. “Listen, that was great, but sex between us always is. I need more than that.”

  “I’m trying to give you more than that.”

  “We’re not talking about the same thing. I said it before and I’ll say it again. I need trust and I don’t have that with you anymore. We don’t have anything but chemistry if we don’t have that.”

  I climb off of her and help her up while she cleans off. The silence between us is deafening. What is she thinking about?

  “So, that’s it. We fuck on my desk, and you don’t have any problem walking out of here and ending things with me. You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you?”

  Mackenzie stares at the floor for a minute before looking up at me. “I was hopeful for us. You need to figure out what you really want and what you’re willing to do to get it.”

  “I already know that.”

  “Your actions speak louder than your words, Brayden. If you were really committed to me, you wouldn’t have let her stay- drunk or not.” She walks towards me and reaches up to rub my cheek. I grab her hand and hold it against my face, not wanting this to happen. “It was an incredible ride. I know I’ll miss you, but I just can’t do this. It’s too much.”

  “Please, Mac, don’t do this. Don’t end it.”

  “I have to.” She leans forward and kisses me softly. “Take care, Brayden.”

  Mackenzie turns to leave, but I stop her by grabbing her arm and pulling her back. “Mackenzie, you’ve gotten under my skin and I can’t just stop feeling this way about you. I can’t let you go. You’re the only woman I’ve felt that I was fall-” Mackenzie puts her hand over my mouth to make me stop talking.

  “Don’t say anything else, Brayden.”

  “I’ll let you go. For now, but not forever. I won’t be happy if I’m not with you.”

  Mackenzie says nothing, but lets me kiss her one more time.

  I continue. “What we have is more than lust, more than desire. You know it. You feel it when we kiss, just like I do. If this was only lust, we both wouldn’t feel as bad as we do in this moment. It would be easy for you to walk away and easy for me to let you. Lust is fleeting, but what we have, whatever word you use to describe it, is deeper than that. You know it.”

  “I know,” she whispers. “You’re right, Brayden, this is hard, but life isn’t always easy. It doesn’t always go the way we want it to. People get hurt.” Her eyes shift to the floor again. “I get hurt.” She pulls away and composes herself. “I have to get back to work.”

  “Mac...”

  She looks hard at me and I realize this discussion is over. I have to let her go or make a fool of myself at work.

  “Macy’s wedding is in two weeks,” she says, staring at the floor again. “I’m attending because everyone on the team is. I’ll be bringing a date and I suggest you do the same and stay the hell away from me when we are there.”

  “Can we talk again? Outside of work?”

  “No.”

  “Ever?”

  “I don’t know, Brayden.” Mackenzie looks up at me and runs her fingers through her hair. “Not now.”

  “Fine.”

  “Okay.”

  Holding the doorknob in her hand, she looks back at me one more time and I swear I see tears in her eyes. “Goodbye, Brayden.”

  “I won’t say goodbye. It’s not over yet, Mackenzie.”

  She sighs and walks out without saying another word.

  I sit slumped at my desk until I hear a knock on my door. I call out hoping it’s Mac again, but it’s Macy. I drop my head on my desk again and sigh.

  “What’s going on?” she asks. “Mackenzie looked like she just saw a ghost when she left.”

  “She dumped me.”r />
  “Oh shit.” Macy sits down in front of me. “Why?”

  “Long story,” I mumble.

  “I’ve got time.”

  “I fucked up, but it’s just a misunderstanding.”

  “What happened?”

  I tell Macy the whole story of the disastrous weekend up until minutes ago when Mac left.

  “Oh my gosh, that’s awful.”

  “Yeah, it is. Then she told me she’s bringing a date to your wedding, so I get to see her with another man. I’m gonna lose my shit, Macy.”

  “That needed to happen anyway, even if you were together. You couldn’t go with each other unless you were ready for the office to know you were an item.”

  “Good point.”

  “You’re a mess, aren’t you? I’ve never seen you like this.”

  “Yeah.”

  “What are you gonna do?”

  “Try to pull myself together. Be professional. What other choices do I have?”

  “Not many good ones.”

  “Right.”

  “You have quite a few meetings today. That will help distract you.”

  “Work isn’t the problem. It’s when I go home and she’s not there.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I knew it was a bad idea to get involved with her. I knew it wouldn’t end well. I’m always chasing desire and not thinking it through. I just couldn’t stop myself. She makes me feel different than other women have.”

  “Maybe it’s not over for good.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Want me to get you a cup of coffee?”

  “No, I’m just going to try to focus on my work. Thanks for listening.”

  “Of course.”

  Macy leaves and I stare at my computer screen. This sucks.

  After lunch, I walk sullenly to my next meeting, which happens to be with Mackenzie and Matt and another update about their accounts. One positive thing to hiring Mac is that she has brought in a ton of new business- just like she promised. I don’t want to lose her, in more ways than one.

  I walk into the conference room and take a seat, distracting myself with a game on my phone. I can feel her walk in even before I see her. I sense her and feel her in every part of me. When I finally look up, she is also sitting, ignoring me while Matt sits beside her, opening a folder filled with many papers.

  Matt smiles, but his eyes shift between the two of us and I worry he’s about to figure out the tension between us. I launch into professional mode.

  “Hey, if we can hurry this up,” I say, “I have a bunch of other stuff I need to do this afternoon.”

  “Sure, boss,” Matt says. “Mackenzie, do you want to start?”

  “Okay.” Mackenzie starts rattling off several updates and I am almost shocked at how cool and collected she is. She makes zero eye contact with me and for that I’m thankful. Or maybe I’m pissed. I have no idea. When she finishes, Matt puts his hand over hers and smiles. That definitely pisses me off.

  “Mackenzie, you’re leaving out the best part,” Matt says.

  “Oh, yes. I have three former clients who have contacted me and want to meet. They want to keep me as their ad exec.”

  “That’s good,” I say.

  “Good?” Matt asks. “That’s incredible. Mackenzie has added three large accounts to our customer base since the time she’s been here and several more medium sized. She is outperforming everyone on the team. I think that’s more than good.” Matt puts his arm around Mackenzie’s shoulder in a hug and I just about lose it. She makes no attempt to make him stop.

  I look up and raise my eyebrow at him. “That’s what she promised, so really I expected it from her.”

  Mackenzie scoffs and flips her hair off her shoulder. “Oh really? If I perform like this it’s expected? What would be your reaction if someone else on the team was bringing in as much business as I do?”

  “I don’t see how that’s relevant. We’re talking about you and your performance.”

  “Seriously?” she asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “What does it take to make you happy?” Matt asks.

  “Continuous improvement. Constant growth.”

  “Will there ever be enough?” he asks.

  “I’ll let you know when we get to it.” I run my fingers through my hair. I want out of this room. “What else do you have for me?”

  Matt looks pissed while Mackenzie looks ready for a fight. She finishes telling me a few more things and then Matt spends ten minutes updating me. I make a few notes and then prepare to leave.

  “Okay, well if that’s it, I need to go now.”

  Matt stands up. “I don’t get you right now. Normally talking about this stuff gets you really excited.”

  “Maybe I’m not as easy to please as I used to be.”

  “I guess not,” he says and sits back down.

  I turn and walk out, but Mackenzie chases after me. She grabs me by the arm just as I’m about to get on the elevator.

  “You need to stop being a dick. People are going to figure out something is up,” she whispers.

  “You don’t need to tell me how to act. Something is up, Mackenzie.”

  “I thought we agreed to be professional.”

  “I am being professional. I’m thinking with my brain instead of my dick for once.”

  “That’s mean.”

  “Is it? I thought all we had was lust and desire. No emotions. I think I got it right.”

  “Alright, I see your tactic. You’ll just shut down and be cold.”

  “Pot calling the kettle black, my dear.”

  “You can be a real asshole, can’t you?”

  “Yeah, I can be so why are we talking right now? How I behave at work is really not your jurisdiction.”

  “What is?”

  “You already know that, but you aren’t interested in it.” I push the elevator button again. “Can I go now? I’ve got work to do.”

  “Yeah, you can go.”

  “Thanks.” I smile sarcastically and step on the elevator, waving as the doors shut. She stomps off in a huff. I didn’t like acting that way, but I almost felt like I didn’t have a choice. I have to at least act like she’s not getting to me.

  At five o’clock, I shut down my PC just as Macy enters the room.

  “Hey, boss.”

  “Hey.”

  “Some of us are going across the street to get a drink. Want to join us?”

  “No, I just want to go home.”

  “It might be good for you. Plus, when have you ever turned down a happy hour?”

  I stop what I’m doing and think about it. She’s right. “Okay, I’ll stop by for one drink.”

  “Good! I’ll wait for you.”

  “Is Mackenzie going?”

  “I don’t know. I can find out if you want me to.”

  “No. Don’t ask any questions. If she’s there, I’ll deal with it.”

  “You can handle it.”

  “Yeah.”

  All I have to do is remember to be cool. Don’t blow it now. I grab my suit jacket and walk out with Macy. In the lobby, several people join us, including the one person I wish didn’t.

  Inside the bar, we all find a table, me at one end and Mackenzie at the other. Two interns sit near me and I remember the time when I would have attempted to nail one or both of them. One girl leans over and extends her hand to me.

  “Hi, I’m Tawny.”

  I admire her caramel complexion, deep brown eyes, and thick, curly black hair for a moment before responding.

  “Hi, I’m Brayden.”

  “We know,” she giggles. “This is Isabel.”

  Isabel leans over her friend to shake my hand. She is pretty, too, in a shy girl sort of way. She wears her dark brown hair in a big bun on top of her head and I imagine when it’s down, it’s long and luxurious. Just like Mac’s.

  The two women chat me up as I steal glances at Mackenzie. She is holding court down at her end of the table and I notice tha
t Tony has sidled up next to her. I know he wants her. I can see it in his eyes. Mackenzie laughs, throwing her head back, and places her hand on his chest. She leans over and whispers in his ear, but as she does her eyes shift to mine and she holds my gaze. It’s clear she is fucking with me. Well, she’s about to find out that two can play this game.

  “Why don’t you change seats, Tawny? Sit next to me. Then I can be part of your conversation better.”

  Tawny grins and climbs over me, brushing her tits against me in the process. Yeah, I know what’s going on here.

  “So, what department do you both work in?”

  “We’re in admin delivering mail for the time being,” Isabel explains.

  “We were hired together and we’ve been friends for years,” Tawny adds. “We do everything together, don’t we, Isabel?”

  Isabel giggles. “Yep, everything.”

  “Is that so?” I ask, keeping my eyes trained in Mackenzie’s direction. “Like what?”

  “Well, we always end up liking the same guys, so we share,” Tawny says.

  “Lucky guy. Do you pick different nights?”

  “No, silly,” Isabel giggles again. “We share. Like at the same time.”

  I know that just a few months ago, I would’ve been all over this, but now I just can’t summon the interest to play around with these two girls, but that doesn’t mean I won’t let Mac think I am. I lean in and whisper to both women. Nothing in particular, just that they both look nice. I can tell Mac is pissed from here. When I catch Macy’s eye, she shakes her head in disappointment. For just a moment, I think about trying to act a little more grown up, but only as long as it takes Mackenzie to laugh at Tony’s joke loudly enough for me to hear.

  I stand abruptly and excuse myself for a minute. I walk down to the other end of the table pretending to greet some other coworkers. As I approach, I can’t believe my fucking ears.

  “I need a date for Macy’s wedding,” Mackenzie says to Tony. “Do you want to go with me?”

  “Oh, hell yeah,” is his response.

  “Good. I’ll look forward to hanging out with you.”

  “Me, too.”

  I’m frozen for a second while I talk myself out of beating Tony’s ass. He is such a tool and she knows I won’t like it. She is fucking torturing me. I turn and glare at her and she smiles and waves at me, just like I did hours before at the elevator. I know the smartest thing for me to do right now is to leave before I do something everyone is going to regret.