Chasing Desire

by Jennifer Domenico

  “That’s not necessarily a bad thing. That way you can be sure before you go spurting out love and shit.”

  “True. I do know that I really like her, though. She’s out of town until Sunday morning and I feel like I’m detoxing from an alcoholic binge.”

  Dan laughs. “You are definitely in love if that’s what it feels like. If you weren’t that into her, the time she is gone would be welcome to you. You’d be thinking of all the things you could do before she gets back.”

  “That’s not how I feel. I went surfing this morning, which was nice, but I can do that when she’s here, too. I just need to make time for it instead of watching her do her naked yoga and then dragging her ass back to bed.”

  “Naked yoga?”

  “Yeah, she does it in the living room with no clothes on. She goes into Downward Dog and I lose it. She’s got the nicest ass I’ve ever seen.”

  “Is she skinny?”

  “I wouldn’t call her that. She is toned, but she has a very curvy shape. Her stomach is nice. It’s not all flat and concave like so many women I’ve known. There’s a small bump to it. A sexy ass bump.”

  “You just got nostalgic over her stomach.” Dan laughs. “Yeah, you’re screwed.”

  I laugh. “I think I already knew that.”

  The shots arrive and we clink our glasses together and throw them back. It burns in the best way. Dan lifts the second glass and holds it in the air for a toast.

  “To women who rock.”

  “I’ll toast to that.”

  We drink down our second shots and order two more each.

  “No way I can drive home,” I say.

  “Me, too. It’s cool, though, man. When was the last time we got wasted?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Couldn’t you walk home from here if you needed to?”

  I look outside the window as if I don’t know where I am. “Yeah, technically.”

  “Good. Then keep drinking.”

  We slam back a few more shots and then a few more and then I don’t remember shit. Somewhere along the way, the waitress gave me her phone number and Dan called Kelly to come pick him up. I know I insisted I could make it the block back to my place and I’m pretty sure I can. If not, someone will see me fall.

  I struggle to unlock my door when I hear a familiar voice say my name. I swing around, steadying myself against the door frame and my mouth drops open.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, my words slurring as I speak.

  “I… came to see you. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. A little drunk, but fine. You shouldn’t be here, Stacey.”

  “Are you alone?”

  “Yes, but that’s not the point.”

  “I just came to talk to you. I called to see if you were done with your plans, but you didn’t answer. I hope it’s okay.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “To talk.”

  “About what?”

  “Can we go inside?”

  “Why should we?”

  “Please?”

  I sigh and open the door, allowing Stacey to come in behind me.

  “What do you want to say to me?”

  “You’re angry with me.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m confused by your presence. I don’t get how you just drop by my home like it’s no big deal.”

  “I want another chance.”

  “What?”

  “I want another chance. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

  “It’s not gonna work, Stacey.”

  “We can have sex.”

  “Okay, now you’re just talking crazy.”

  “No, I’ve had time to think about it. I want it to be you.”

  I stare hard at her. Is she fucking serious?

  “Have you thought about the fact that I could be involved with someone by now?”

  “Yes, I have. I didn’t expect you not to be. I don’t mind.”

  “Don’t mind what?”

  “Being one of the girls you see.”

  “What the hell happened to you? You said you wanted sex to be special. Now suddenly it’s okay to just be some girl I fuck on the side?” I sit down in a nearby chair. The room is fucking spinning and I’m starting to wonder if this is a dream or really happening.

  “I’m a grown woman. I can make decisions based on what I want.”

  “This is ridiculous. Listen, I don’t feel well. I just want to go to bed.”

  “Can’t we talk for a few more minutes?”

  “I don’t know that there’s anything to talk about. I need to lie down. Seriously.”

  “I’ll bring you some water.”

  I nod my head, not wanting to argue with her anymore. I need to figure out how to get her out of my house. Maybe if I just listen to her for a few minutes she will leave quietly. If she doesn’t, I may just have to hurt her feelings and tell her I’m in love with someone else.

  I climb into my bed and pull the comforter up to my neck. Before I know it, my eyes are heavy and I can’t keep them open a minute longer.

  “What the motherfucking hell is this?!”

  I’m startled awake and sit straight up in reaction to Mackenzie’s screaming voice.

  “What?” I scream back, jumping out of bed.

  “That!” she yells and points behind me.

  I turn around and, to my surprise and horror, see Stacey lying in my bed, looking equally startled by the angry redhead in the doorway.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?!” I yell at Stacey. “How the fuck…!” I rub my forehead. My head is pounding and I feel like I was hit by ten trucks.

  Mackenzie turns to me. “You are unbelievable. Fucking unbelievable! I leave town for a minute and you can’t wait for me?”

  “Mac, it’s not what you think.”

  “Really? You’re nearly naked and she’s wearing your shirt. Tell me what I should be thinking.”

  I look down at my boxers and then turn to Stacey, who is sitting in my bed watching all of this happen. The night before starts to come back to me in pieces.

  “Why are you here, Stacey?” I demand.

  “You said I could stay. It was late.”

  Mackenzie looks at me with pure hatred in her eyes. “You said she could stay.”

  “I was fucking drunk last night and you know it!” I yell at Stacey.

  “Oh!” Mackenzie yells. “Even better!”

  Shocking me, Mackenzie rushes past me and towards the bed, ready to beat the shit out Stacey.

  “You fucking bitch!” she yells.

  Stacey tries to move out of the way, but not quickly enough before Mackenzie catches a chunk of her hair and gets ready to nail her in the face. I grab Mackenzie around the waist, lifting her up, just in time to prevent a serious girl fight. Throwing her over my shoulder, I carry her into the living room while she screams for me to let her go.

  “Put me down!”

  “I will if you calm down.”

  “You have no right to tell me what to do.”

  “I know, but please, can we just be cool for a minute and talk things out?”

  “Tell that whore to get the fuck out of here. I can’t believe you cheated on me. After everything you said.”

  “I didn’t cheat on you! She’s a fucking virgin!”

  “What?”

  “She is a virgin. I know I didn’t fuck her. There is no way.”

  She shoves me in the chest. “You have no idea what happened last night!”

  “Mac, please.” I grab the blanket from the couch and wrap it around my waist. “I honestly don’t know why she’s here. I went out drinking with Dan last night and I do remember she showed up and wanted to talk to me. I asked her to leave a bunch of times. I swear. I didn’t feel good and I went to lie down. The next thing I remember is this moment right now.”

  “Awesome,” she says, with her arms folded tightly across her chest.

  “Please believe me. You know how crazy I am about you. I would not
give up what we have for her. I wouldn’t give up what we have for anyone else. I’m so sorry this happened. I let her come in for a minute and she must have decided to stay after I passed out.”

  “Excuse me,” Stacey appears in the doorway. We both look at her, completely dressed and walking carefully towards us. She’s been crying and I can tell she is scared of Mackenzie. For good reason.

  “I’m really sorry to have caused problems. I came by to talk to him, unannounced and when I asked if I could stay he said yes, but he was very drunk. I assure you nothing happened between us. He passed out cold.”

  Mackenzie glares but says nothing.

  “I’ll go now and get out of your way. Again, I’m really sorry.”

  Stacey walks quietly across the room and out the door without saying another word. I look at Mackenzie with what I hope is a sincere, pleading look in my eyes.

  “Can you believe me?”

  “You mean believe her?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why should I?”

  “Because it’s all I’ve got.”

  She sighs and throws her arms up in the air. “I am not at all ready to calm down and act like I just didn’t walk in on my b…”

  “Your what?”

  “The guy I thought was my boyfriend.”

  “I am.” I walk closer and try to pull her to me, but she resists. “I am your boyfriend and you’re my girl. I would not have given you a key if I had plans to fuck around on you.”

  “Maybe you didn’t plan it. Maybe it just happened.” She makes quotation marks with her fingers when she says the last word.

  “Is that why your walls are so high? Did some loser cheat on you before?”

  “This has nothing to do with me! Don’t change the subject. I need to go home and get some clarity.”

  “I’m so sorry. You know how I feel about you,” I plead. “At least I hope you do and if you don’t, I’ll tell you.”

  “I don’t want to be told, Brayden. I want to be shown.”

  “Haven’t I always? This was just a weird night. Stacey took advantage.”

  “I’m not talking about this right now. You fucked up, Brayden. Now I don’t know if I can trust you.”

  “Give me a chance.”

  “I already did.”

  Mackenzie grabs her purse off the couch and walks out, shutting the door hard behind her.

  I slump back on the couch as my phone starts ringing almost immediately. I sigh when I see Ariel’s number. I am really not in the mood to deal with her, but I know I have to. I answer the phone and brace for impact.

  “Hello?”

  “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

  “Why?”

  “You know why.” She hangs up and I put some sweatpants on.

  When I hear the knock at the door, I open it and walk into my kitchen to find the fucking Advil. My spitfire sister follows me.

  “Don’t even try to tell me you didn’t do something this time!” she yells. “Stacey is crying and saying she is going back to Nebraska. She said she’s never been so humiliated in her entire life. What did you do, Brayden?”

  “What did I do? I didn’t do anything. She took advantage of me and it backfired on her.”

  “She said you asked her to stay over last night then some chick bursts in your house this morning and nearly beat her up and you did nothing to stop it!”

  “That is not true. I took Mac out of the room to prevent a fight. I did not say Stacey could stay over and if I did, it’s because I was wasted last night and she knew it. So if she asked, she knew I was drunk. She caused my girlfriend and me to get in a fight.”

  “You have a girlfriend?”

  “Yes. At least I did until this morning.”

  Ariel is silent for a minute. “I really don’t know what to believe.”

  “Frankly, Ariel, it’s none of your business. It’s mine. Stacey might be embarrassed, but she brought it on herself.”

  “Why did she even come over if she wasn’t invited?”

  “You’d have to ask her that. She called me yesterday and asked me to a concert, but I told her I couldn’t go. Then last night, like I said, I stumbled home from the bar and was drunk off my ass. I kind of remember talking to her and then the next thing I know my girlfriend is screaming her head off at me this morning. Stacey was lying next to me in my bed. Needless to say, it didn’t look good.”

  “No, I guess it wouldn’t. I still can’t believe you have a girlfriend.”

  “I hope I still do, but she was pretty pissed.”

  “As any reasonable woman would be.”

  “So any other details will have to come from Stacey. I don’t know what happened.” I run my fingers through my hair. “I’m pissed off, Ariel. I think I’m starting to…”

  “What, Braydon?”

  I don’t know why, but suddenly I don’t feel like telling my sister how I feel about Mac. She is already too involved in all of this because of Stacey. It just feels better to keep it to myself.

  “I’m starting to get tired of having female drama. I just want to be with one woman and calm things down.”

  “I get that.”

  “Yeah, so I’d rather not involve you any more than you already are. I’ll deal with Stacey later.”

  “She isn’t going to talk to you.”

  “Well, that’s fucking great considering this is all her fault.”

  “She’s hurt and embarrassed.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Sorry I jumped all over you. I guess I just assumed and I shouldn’t. You aren’t the guy you used to be.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m getting my shit together.”

  “I see that.” She playfully punches my arm. “I’ve always wanted that for you.”

  “I know.”

  “You look awful.”

  “I feel like shit.” I swallow the pills and drink down a glass of orange juice.

  “Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll make you some fried eggs and hot sauce. I’ll take care of you, bro. Just like the old days.”

  “Thanks, Ariel.” I kiss her cheek. “I appreciate it.”

  “Of course.”

  I walk into my bedroom and dial Mac’s number, but it goes straight to voicemail. No surprise. I try several more times before deciding to finally leave a message.

  “Mac, I won’t leave you alone forever. Can we just talk about this? I really want to see your face. Please answer. I’ll do whatever I need to do to make this right.”

  I hang up and wait. Hours go by and I shower, eat, and sit on the couch staring at my phone. Ariel leaves and I pace my living room, not knowing what to do. I swing around and rush to pick up my phone when I hear a text message alert.

  Mac: I need time. Don’t call me.

  Me: Please, Mac. I’m so sorry. I didn’t do anything.

  Mac: You don’t even know if that’s true. Maybe you did and don’t remember.

  Me: She’s a fucking virgin!

  Mac: Maybe she isn’t anymore.

  Me: Come on. I didn’t have sex with her. That much I’m clear on.

  Mac: Did you kiss her? Did she blow you? Did you touch her AT ALL?

  Fuck. She’s got me. I can’t answer those questions. At least not how I know Mac needs me to.

  Me: What do you want from me? I’ll do whatever it is. I don’t care. I just need you back.

  Mac: I told you. Leave me alone and give me time. I’m not answering my phone and I will NOT see you so don’t bother trying. Do not make a scene at work. Give me the space I need to decide what happens next.

  Me: Fine just know that I won’t give up on us.

  Mac: Noted.

  I sink back down on the couch feeling like shit. Not only do I have a hangover from hell, but I’ve jeopardized everything with Mackenzie. All over a girl who means nothing to me.

  The rest of the weekend goes by in a haze. All I remember from it is drinking coffee, lying on the couch in my sweatpants and staring at my phone waitin
g for Mac to call. She didn’t. Not even a text. Standing in the shower, I lean against the tiled wall letting hot water beat against my skin. In just a few hours, I will see her again. I already know she is going to be aloof and I will have to be exactly the same way. I need to pull myself together before I walk in that office today.

  After my shower, I stare in the mirror before tackling the beard that’s been growing on my face since Saturday. I look like I just got over having the flu. Maybe this is what lovesick looks like. I finish shaving and run some gel through my hair, trying to look the way I always do, but something is different. Something has changed.

  I pick out some clothes, the nicest dress shirt and tie I have, hoping at least when she sees me maybe she’ll feel something besides anger. At this point, it’s my only shot. I drink down a glass of orange juice and head out the door to work.

  When I arrive, I take a deep breath before pressing the elevator button. I know I need to follow my normal routine and walk the floor to say good morning to my team and I plan to do just that. The doors open and I roll my neck back and forth like a boxer getting ready for his match. The elevator stops on her floor and I step off, full of bravado and swagger.

  “Morning, Brayden,” Matt says as he walks past me. “How was your weekend?”

  “Great. You?”

  “Good, but I’m tired. The baby doesn’t sleep much yet.”

  “I imagine that is very difficult.”

  “Yeah, it can be. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. It’s great being a dad.”

  “I’m sure it is.” I glance across the room at the many cubicles containing Matt’s sales team and see her working at her desk. She doesn’t seem to be aware of my presence yet and I watch her for a moment. She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and reaches into a drawer to get a folder. When she does her eyes move in my direction and pause on me, holding my gaze for what seems like just seconds. Every part of my body aches with desire for her. What I wouldn’t give to walk across the room and sweep her into a kiss. She quickly shifts her eyes away. There was no expression, nothing at all on her face I could read.

  “Did you need anything from me, boss?” Matt asks, bringing me back to the moment.

  “No, I’m just doing my normal rounds.”

  “Cool. Mackenzie plans on stopping up there today when you have time to give you an update. I told her to go without me if that’s okay with you.”