Chasing Desire

by Jennifer Domenico

  “Of course they can. People go crazy all the time.”

  “So my crazed obsession with you is legit?”

  She laughs. “Yes, somewhat. You’re still on this side of sane, though.”

  “At least for now.”

  I pour the eggs in the skillet and pop the bread in the toaster. “Breakfast for dinner.”

  “Doesn’t matter to me, as long as we eat.”

  “How has that been going? You haven’t said anything.”

  “It’s good. I think we pushed the demons back for a while.”

  “For how long?”

  The smile leaves her face for a few minutes. “I don’t know.”

  “You know I’m here for you. Whatever you need. If you need to talk or cry or pray, I got you.”

  She stares at the floor for a moment. “Do you believe in God, Brayden?”

  “I’m not sure. Sometimes, I see or feel things that I think have to come from something not of this place where we are. When I float in the ocean, just a tiny speck in the vastness of water, I feel weightless and carefree. I feel whole when I’m there. I always think surely only God could have created something like this.”

  “But?”

  “But then I look around at all the pain and wrongness of the world and it doesn’t make sense that there are such amazing and wonderful things in the same place as so much pain and suffering. I wonder why God would let it be so.” I look up and smile at her. “I guess I’m conflicted. What do you think?”

  “I used to pray every day. I stopped when I was ten. Then in rehab they tried to introduce it to me again and I took to the eastern point of view through yoga. I dabbled with religion for a while, but like you, there are just too many painful things. I’d rather not believe in God than wonder why he doesn’t love me more.”

  The pain in her voice makes my heart hurt and I want to hold her.

  “I think…” she continues, but pauses. “I think recently there’s been a shift in my thinking.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. The few times I have called out to God for help, the one thing I always asked of him was for the pain in my heart to subside, for relief from the constant ache, for healing.” A tear escapes her eye and I put the skillet aside and come to her. She reaches up and rubs my cheek. “That is happening, because of you.”

  I kiss her nose and her forehead. “Nothing makes me happier than hearing I’m helping you.”

  “You aren’t helping me. You’re saving me.”

  I lean in closer to kiss her. This time it’s different. It’s not filled with passion and lust. It’s filled with love and healing. For both of us.

  “I love you,” she whispers against my lips. “I’ve waited my whole life to love you.”

  “I’m grateful it’s me who gets to love you back. I won’t take it for granted.”

  “I know.” We kiss again until the toaster popping up startles us. Kenzie smiles and kisses me quickly before I move back to getting our dinner done.

  I finish dinner and put it on plates that I carry into the living room. Kenzie makes two martinis and joins me a few minutes later. She takes a sip of hers then sets it down before digging into her meal.

  “Do you think we’re safe, Brayden? I mean, as far as this stalker business goes?”

  “I hope so. I guess the person doesn’t seem threatening yet, but I’m concerned about what’s next.”

  “Me, too.”

  “We just have to try to keep living our lives. We can’t put everything on hold waiting for something to happen.”

  “True.” She chews slowly. “I think about it now with all my interactions with people.”

  “So do I.”

  “I really don’t see how it could be Angelica, even though she is a raging cunt.”

  “Wow. Nice word choice.”

  “I preserve that word for people who truly deserve it. She earned the title. Stupid bitch.”

  “Yeah, she has, but you’re right, I don’t think she’s responsible for all of this.”

  “No, but who then?”

  “I’m afraid it’s someone we both trust and think is a friend.”

  “I don’t trust anyone but you,” she says. “I agree with you, though, it’s someone who neither of us suspects.”

  “I know who it isn’t and that’s all I can hold on to right now.”

  “Matt, Macy… that’s all I got.”

  “And anyone in my personal life. It’s someone we work with and knows us well. I’m still trying to figure out how the person got a hold of Stacey’s phone number.”

  “Well, if they got your cell phone would it be that hard?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Let’s just cocoon ourselves away until we have to face the outside world again.”

  “I like that plan.” I stack up our plates and drain the rest of my martini. “Want to start with that bath now?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “Go in the bathroom and I’ll be right there.”

  “Sounds good.”

  She moves to stand, but I stop her by putting my hand on her leg. “Kiss me.”

  She leans forward and does so. I run my hand across her cheek feeling so lucky she picked me. I’ve never been so happy in my life.

  Kenzie lays against me, breathing softly in her sleep. I know without a doubt that I love her and I want to be with her every day, but I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know how to transition from hanging out to full time living together. Does it just happen? Do I formally ask her? What if she freaks out? We haven’t been together that long, but does that even matter? I mean, when you know you know, right?

  The sun is just barely starting to come up. I pull myself away, careful not to wake my sleeping beauty, and creep into the living room. Sitting on the couch, I stare out into the early dawn. I don’t want her to go home. Home is here. I check the clock on my phone and dial Dan. He’s always up early thanks to his job.

  “Hey, buddy,” he answers. “How’s it hanging?”

  “To the left,” I answer, laughing. We always said that during college. “Got a minute?”

  “Always for you. What’s going on?”

  I catch him up as quickly as possible, looking over my shoulder to make sure Kenzie isn’t up.

  “Whoa, dude, seriously? That’s a lot of shit.”

  “I know. I need some advice.”

  “Okay.”

  “I want to ask Kenzie to move in with me, but I’m not sure if it’s too soon.”

  “Too soon for who? You or her?”

  “Her.”

  “Why do want her to live with you?”

  “Because I never want her to leave. I don’t want to her to go back to her place. I don’t want to go to sleep without her and I definitely don’t want to wake up if she’s not beside me.”

  Dan laughs and for a minute I’m really irritated. “This is serious, Dan.”

  “I know! I fucking love it. You’re in love big time.”

  “I already know that. I’m crazy about her.”

  “Well then, just tell her. Tell her you are worried you’re rushing her, but that you want her to know how you feel. Just put it out there, man. The worst she can say is not yet, but she might surprise you.”

  “Yeah. She makes me think crazy thoughts.”

  “Like?”

  “Like marriage and babies and shit like that. She doesn’t want that stuff, though.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “She said she didn’t when we first started hanging out.”

  “Yeah, but a lot has changed since then.”

  “True.”

  “Dude, I say just go with it. Tell her what you feel and let her respond.”

  “I was thinking of looking for a new place, too. A bigger place. Can Kelly help?”

  “Of course. Whenever you want. You and Kenzie can pick out a place together.”

  “Yeah, that would be awesome. We could decorate it
together.” I rub my forehead. “I sound so fucking domesticated.”

  “How does it feel?”

  “It feels fucking amazing.”

  “Yeah, it does. Wait until you sit down to pick out wedding invitations. That’s when you know you’re whipped for good.”

  I laugh. “So what you’re saying is I’m a goner.”

  “Yep. Join the club.” He chuckles. “Once you know that you aren’t interested in any other woman, when the urge to chase is completely gone, then it’s nothing to settle down.”

  “Oh, I stopped wanting to chase other women the minute I laid eyes on her. She is outrageously beautiful, but what I know now is that she is an incredible person, too. No other woman could possibly compete for my attention against her. She’s the best, man.”

  “You should put a ring on it.”

  I laugh a little too loudly. “I should probably ask her to move in before I get down on one knee. I’ve never lived with a woman before.”

  “You’ll get used to it. There are compromises you both will need to make, but it’s worth it. I’ve never been happier than I am now.”

  “You’re making me excited about this. Maybe tonight when we get home from work, I’ll set up a nice romantic scene and just tell her that I want her to stay here. I want her to live with me.”

  “Just make sure you’re not thinking with your dick and that you want the woman all the time, not just the vagina.”

  “Nah, I’m happy when we’re in the same room. All she has to do is look at me and smile and that’s it.”

  “Then I say do it and if she needs more time, give it to her, but at least she knows how you feel.”

  “Yeah.”

  “We need to double date so I can meet the woman who finally tamed you.”

  “Yeah, I want her to meet you, too. She’s so amazing. I’m crazy about her.”

  “That’s obvious.”

  “Thanks for talking, Dan. We’ll set something up soon.”

  “Let me know how it goes.”

  “I will. I’ll have a huge housewarming party as soon as I can. I want to show off the woman I love to the whole world.”

  “Yeah, dude, you are definitely whipped.”

  “I’m aware of that.”

  “Talk to you soon.”

  “Bye.” I hang up and lean back against the couch. I’ve made up my mind. Tonight, I’m going to ask Kenzie to live with me.

  I can barely breathe as I lean against the bedroom wall listening to Brayden’s conversation. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but as soon as I realized I was the topic, I’ve been frozen here. Tears run down my cheeks as his words sink in. He wants me to live with him? Oh my god.

  I hold the blanket around me that I used to cover my nakedness. Closing my eyes, I listen to his words of love and commitment. I don’t know who he is talking to, but it doesn’t matter. It’s about me.

  The last time, the only time, I lived with someone it ended so awfully. I already know it won’t be this way with Brayden. I know he loves me. I hear his words, marriage and babies, and my heart practically stops. Do I want those things? I do. I really think I do. I don’t want to go home, either. I want to stay here with him. I want all the things he is saying to the person on the phone. I want this.

  He hangs up and leans against the couch. Do I let him go through the romantic set up he has planned for later or do I just tell him? I won’t be able to concentrate all day if I don’t tell him what I’m feeling. His love has opened a vault of feelings in me that was tightly locked for so many years. I don’t want to hold back anymore.

  I pad out quietly and walk behind him. As I slide my arms down his chest, he twists his head back and kisses my neck.

  “Brayden, I want what you want,” I whisper.

  His eyes open wide. “You heard me?”

  “Every word.”

  “You want to live with me?”

  “Yes.”

  He grins and grabs me by the waist, flipping me over onto his lap, causing to me to giggle like a ticklish child. Burying his face in my neck, he kisses me repeatedly.

  “You want to move in with me?”

  “You really want me to?”

  “Yes, Kenzie, more than anything.”

  “I want to.”

  “I was going to ask you properly, you know?”

  “I know, but I overheard you, and well, it made my heart explode.”

  “I’m so happy.”

  “Who were you talking to?”

  “My friend Dan. You’ll meet him soon.”

  “Good.” I run my fingers through his hair. “Did you mean everything you said to him?”

  “Every fucking word.”

  “That’s nice.”

  “Yeah. How does it make you feel?”

  “Safe and loved and awesome.”

  “You are all of those things.”

  “We should get ready for work.”

  “I know, but maybe we should make love first.”

  “Mmm, okay.”

  “Then tonight you’ll go home and get some things and you’ll stay here the rest of the week. Then we’ll go looking for new houses this weekend. How does that sound?”

  “Perfect.”

  “Good.” He slaps my ass as I stand up.

  “We aren’t going to look in the suburbs, though, right?” I ask.

  “Suburbs? Hell no. Even if we have kids, we’ll live in the city.”

  I shift my eyes to the floor for just a minute. “Do you think we’ll have kids?”

  Brayden pulls me close and nuzzles my neck. “The future is ours, babe. Whatever we want we can have.” He kisses my lips. “Together.”

  “I like that.”

  “I like you.”

  “I know.”

  “Bed?”

  “Yes.”

  Hours later, as I wrap the day up, I dial Brayden’s private extension.

  “Hey,” he answers.

  “Hey, lover. I’m leaving work now and I’ll be over in about an hour. I’m going to pack a few outfits and some of my other things. Are you ready for the full barrage of products it takes to make me look like this every day?”

  “I’m ready for whatever you got. How did everyone treat you today?”

  “The same as they always do. No one cares.” I laugh. “So much effort into keeping it a secret for nothing.”

  “Not necessarily for nothing. Timing is everything. You earned their respect and it has nothing to do with me.”

  “True. Okay, see you soon.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “Bye.”

  I hang up and say good night to my coworkers. As I walk to my car, I feel almost buoyant. Suddenly everything in my life is more wonderful than I could have hoped for.

  I drive along silently, cursing the amount of traffic there is today. I decide to take a short cut and maybe shave a few minutes off my drive. All I want right now is get back to Brayden. Cutting over to the right, I turn down the street that takes me the back way to my apartment. It’s a little longer of a drive, but the road is nice and open now. I notice a car behind me driving a little too fast and too close to me for comfort. I speed up and the car does, too. I change lanes to the right and the car follows me. Panic sets in as I realize it’s intentional.

  I reach down and look for my phone in my purse, trying to keep my eyes on the road in front of me and behind me. Just as I find it, the car behind me surges forward and slams into the back of me. I let out a scream. Oh my god!

  I’m really scared now as the person in the car continues to intimidate me by swerving and getting close to me. I look around for signs of any traffic and no one is here. I just had to take this stupid short cut through this industrial area. Now I’m fearing for my life.

  The car slows down and I think for a moment they are done. Maybe they just wanted to scare me. It moves to my left and I slow down hoping the worst of this ordeal is over. When it gets next to me, I look over and see a person behind the driver’s side wearing a
ski mask and it sends absolute chills down my spine. Suddenly, the car smashes into me and it causes me to lose control. My car goes skidding off the road and into the side of a large building. I have one last coherent thought as the impact of the collision sets in.

  Brayden.

  I pace my living room, waiting for Kenzie. Why isn’t she here yet? I dial her phone and it just rings and rings. I continue pacing. Something isn’t right. An hour goes by and my phone finally buzzes with a text.

  Kenzie: I can’t make it tonight.

  I stare at the screen. What? Is she freaking out?

  Me: What’s wrong? Can we talk about it?

  Kenzie: Nothing to talk about.

  Me: Please talk to me. We can work through anything. If it’s too soon, we can wait.

  Kenzie: I changed my mind.

  Me: About what?

  Kenzie: All of it.

  I know something is wrong. My senses are screaming at me and my gut clenches. This is not how she would do this. Something is wrong with my Kenzie.

  Me: Tell me the nickname only I can use and I’ll leave you alone.

  Kenzie: Leave me alone.

  Me: Say it. Tell me your nickname and I swear I’ll leave you alone if you type it right now.

  Kenzie: I don’t want you to use it anymore. I don’t even want to type it.

  Me: Then I’ll keep bothering you until you do. I’ll come to your house right now and make you talk to me.

  Kenzie: No.

  Me: Say it.

  There is a long pause and I sit staring at my phone, waiting for a response.

  Kenzie: Red. There I said it. Now leave me alone.

  That’s all I needed to see. I immediately dial Theresa Green.

  “Hello?” she answers.

  “This is Brayden James. The stalker has my girlfriend.”

  I explain to Theresa everything that just happened and wait as she arrives at my place. She told me not to say anything in text and if anyone calls to try to just listen to them. I can barely contain my anger and fear. What if she’s hurt? I’m supposed to protect her. I told her she was safe with me and she’s not. I failed her.

  I rush to the door when I hear the knock and swing it open. Theresa rushes in.

  “Okay,” she starts. “Here’s what we need to do. We’ll start by going to her apartment and asking the building manager to let us in. I think at this point you need to notify authorities, although they won’t do much until she’s been missing for twenty-four hours. Have you received any more calls or texts?”