Love Is Relative

by Francis, Haven

“It’s not a big deal, I just ignore it. Can we just forget about him, please?”

  “Fine,” she says, “whatever you say but if I’d have known he was still bugging you we could have done something else tonight. I wouldn’t have asked you to come here.”

  “He doesn’t matter. I want to be here with you guys, can we just stop talking about him?”

  Nat just shakes her head at me. Luke sits down beside her and wraps an arm around her. “Did you know about this?” she asks him accusingly.

  “Well, yea, Danny’s mentioned it a few times,” he says, trying to stifle a laugh.

  “It’s not funny. You were there when he flew off the handle at her. You need to keep him away.”

  “Trust me, Nat, Danny can take care of Emily all by himself.”

  Dylan comes over to us and I’m happy for the distraction. “Are you guys hiding out over here?” he asks, slumping down to the ground in front of Jessa and grabbing a hold of her calf.

  “This is where the cool people hang out,” Jessa tells him.

  “Alright, well then I’m obviously in the right place.” He pulls her off the log so she’s next to him.

  “Hey,” Danny says, resting his hand on my cheek. I tilt my head up to look at him. “You okay down there?”

  “Yea,” I tell him. “Are you okay?”

  “You’re curled up on my lap with a very short skirt on. I’m more than okay.” He runs his hand up and down my thigh.

  “Don’t even start,” I warn him.

  “Why not? That’s what people do at these parties- they make out.”

  I look down at Dylan and Jess. He whispers something in her ear and grabs a hold of her boob. She laughs and doesn’t seem to mind that he’s groping her in front of everyone. Nat and Luke are wrapped up in each other’s arms kissing. It’s sweet I guess; the way they can’t keep their hands off each other. I have a feeling I’m not really into PDA though, not even with Danny.

  I look back to Danny. “Told you,” he says.

  “I don’t know if I can just make out with you with everyone watching, it seems weird.”

  “I don’t think anyone’s watching,” he says and I know he’s right- they’re too busy making out themselves. “Just let me touch you, we don’t even have to kiss.”

  “That’s a terrible idea, Danny, and you know it.”

  “Okay. You can just sit here on my lap; I’m good with that too,” he tells me but he curls his fingers around my leg so that they are brushing my inner thigh. It feels nice, I feel like I can handle it, here amongst several people. I can enjoy his touch on my leg without losing it completely. I lay my head back down on his chest and close my eyes

  His hand cradles my side and I love the way his fingers feel wrapped around me. He removes his other hand from my thigh and part of me is relieved but the other part hurts. His hand splays out on my naked stomach. His fingers glide up my skin and I am completely under his hold. They run under the edge of my bra, grazing the bottom of my breasts. I take in a deep breath and let myself feel his touch. With little effort, he unclasps my bra and my breast spring free. He slides his palm over each of them, effectively removing my undergarment from my flesh. His palm on my nipple heightens the pain between my legs but I focus on what he’s doing to the other parts of my body. He cups my breast in his hand and runs his thumb around my nipple. It hurts so I take his neck between my teeth, holding in the agony. When he finally traces lightly over my nipple the pulse between my legs spreads out into a comfortable warmth. “Do you know how perfect you are, Emily?” he whispers to me. My hand pulls at the nape of his neck but I can’t open my mouth because I know it won’t be words that come out. His hand moves from my ribs to my neglected breast and I curl tighter into his lap trying, pointlessly, to contain the flames between my legs. “I want my mouth on your body.” I climb him, burying my mouth behind his ear as his words and his touch on my nipples intensify. “There is not a place on your body that I won’t suck.” Dear Lord, how is it possible to feel this… to feel like I am going to come without anything between my legs to make that happen? My mouth opens around his flesh as I bite and suck him. “Will you come if I keep touching you here, if I keep talking to you.” It’s not a question; he knows exactly what he’s doing.

  Regardless, I tell him, “Yes,” because I don’t want him to stop.

  “Are you close?”

  “Umm-hmm,”

  “Are you wet?”

  “So wet,” I breathe.

  His fingers move out of my shirt and I feel the need to hit him hard, but instead I remove myself from his neck and glare at him. He grins at me and rubs a thumb across my lips. “Suck on it,” he says, inserting a thumb into my mouth. I keep my eyes locked on his as I open my mouth to him. His thumb moves over my lips and into my mouth. I close my lips around it and suck hard. He’s turned on and so am I. I suck him thoroughly and let my tongue circle around his tip. “That’s good,” he tells me. I open my lips and he slides out of mouth before slipping his other thumb inside. His free hand moves back to my breast as his wet thumb moves, easily now, across my hard nipple. I suck hard on the finger that’s in my mouth as I feel my eyes rolling back with ecstasy. “That’s so good baby, keep sucking.” Jesus, I feel it coming on hard. “Come for me,” he whispers and I do with his thumb in my mouth and his finger on my nipple but nothing on my burning insides. I bite on his thumb and fall to pieces.

  When it’s over I fall to his chest shivering with the after-effects of his inhuman ability to make me crumble under his touch. He covers me with his arms and presses a kiss onto my head. “I love you.”

  “I obviously love you too.” I tilt my head to look into his clear eyes. “I wish I could make you feel the way I feel.”

  “You’re never going to feel the way I do.” He brushes my hair away from my face and I can see the intensity in his eyes.

  “What the hell is this?” Noah’s loud voice interrupts us. “Spin the bottle? I want in.”

  I expect Danny to fly off the handle but he smiles lazily at me, melting my insides, making Noah disappear completely.

  “Get lost, Noah,” Jessa says.

  “Don’t worry, Jessa, it’s not you I want to play with.” I can hear in Noah’s voice that he is completely wasted.

  Danny’s face tenses as does his hold on me. His eyes leave mine. “Go, Noah,” he says calmly but fiercely.

  “I don’t think I will. I heard you kissed her in front of everyone. Not only have you seduced every willing body in this town but now you’re screwing your sister. Do you know how stupid that makes her look? Do you realize what kind of hell she’s going to have to go through with those people next year? I guess none of that matters since you won’t be the one who has to face them.”

  I watch as Danny’s initial look of rage turns to sadness. His stare makes my chest hurt, Noah’s words have gotten to him.

  “Come on, man,” I hear Luke say. “Let’s go before he gives you another beat down.”

  “I should be the one kicking his ass. He doesn’t love her, he’s just a selfish bastard.”

  Danny closes his eyes. I move my hand to his face. “Danny, don’t. He’s wrong.”

  “He’s not wrong.” He opens his eyes and I see the anger there. “He’s right. You know he is – you tried to tell me yourself and I didn’t listen.”

  “As long as I have you nothing can hurt me. Who cares what they think, that’s what you tell me, and you’re right.”

  “I’m not right, Em. Your grandparents, those people at school… your are the one who is going to get hurt. All I care about is having you. In the end I’m going to hurt you.”

  I lay my head on his chest and wrap my arms around him. “I love you Danny and you love me back. That’s all that matters,” I say but I’m not sure I believe myself.

  Danny

  “It’s scary, now that it’s done, now that Grandma and Grandpa are officially my legal guardians,” Emily tells me with what sounds like concern. The three of them
had their court date this morning. It went well; the judge easily grated her grandparents full rights to her, seeing how Charlie has basically abandoned her. It’s what we all wanted but she’s right- it’s scary. There is nothing standing in the way of the truth now.

  “I’s good. It means that even if Charlie comes home she can’t make you leave with her, or do anything else for that matter.”

  “Yea, I know, but it also means it’s time. We have to talk to Mike. We have to talk to him about the paternity test.”

  “I’ll talk to him tomorrow morning when I bring the kids back,” I reluctantly tell her.

  “I want to come with you.”

  “Emily, no. There is no reason for you to get involved with him.” I’m desperately trying to keep her away from his pathetic ass. She doesn’t need to see what he’s become.

  She reaches out and takes my hands in hers. “Danny, I’ve been home for three months. We’ve come so far in that short amount of time. We have commited ourselves to each other. You have become part of my life and I have become part of yours, and yet you’ve managed to keep me away from your dad for all this time. I’ve let it go so far but I’m telling you right now, I want to see him. I get that he is either passed out or drunk twenty four hours a day. I understand that he is not going to resemble the person that he was the last time I saw him but I’ve waited long enough and now I want to see him. Please.”

  Well what the hell am I supposed to say to that? “You’re right, Em. It’s not up to me to keep you away from him. That’s your choice. If you think that’s something you want to see, if you think you can handle it, then I can’t stop you.”

  “It’s not going to hurt me Danny. You don’t need to protect me from him.”

  I shake my head because she’s wrong. “It could hurt you Em. I know you… I know it’s going to affect you. Even if he were still Mr. All American it would affect you. You haven’t seen him since you found out he might be your father. You haven’t been in that house since it has been stripped of every good memory. You haven’t been in that house without Cora being there with you. You care too much for it not to hurt.”

  She pulls herself back into my lap and holds tight to me. “You’re right, it is going to hurt. But I need to do this. I need to face the fact that your mom is gone and your dad is no longer your dad. I want all of you Danny, even the hard parts. This is something I need to do.”

  “Okay,” I tell her, pulling her closer to me. Wanting to protect her from the harsh reality but realizing, for the first time, that I can’t. This is her past too, she can’t pretend like it’s not real and I can’t shelter her forever.

  #

  I haven’t talked to Mike when he’s been sober since shortly after Mom died. I put all the blame on him but I realize that I haven’t put any effort into reaching out to him. It’s scary as hell to think about. I don’t want to talk about his pain. I don’t want to talk about my pain. I don’t want to see him cry over her when he’s sober and I sure as hell don’t want him to see me fall apart. But I’ve been avoiding this for too long. I should have dealt with this a long time ago, if not for him, than for Maddie and Jason and my mom. Emily was right; this is something that we all need.

  I open his bedroom door and look at him. He’s splayed out on top of his bedspread exactly where I laid him the night before. His clothes hang from his fail form, his face is sunken and ashen, his hair and beard are long and unruly. He looks as helpless as he is. I stare at him trying to accept that fact that he’s my dad.

  He needs help. I’ve never felt in a position to help anyone but Emily’s changing me, just like he hoped she would.

  “Dad,” I yell, standing at his bedside. He doesn’t respond so I reach down and hold his shoulder tight in my hand then shake him until I hear a sound escape his mouth. “Dad,” I say again, “wake up.” His eye lids flip open and he stares at me but there is no sign of recognition. “I need you to get up,” I tell him.

  “Danny, go on,” he whispers before closing his eyes again. Fuck.

  I take hold of both of his shoulders, this time pulling his upper body into sitting position. “I need you to get up.”

  “What are you doing?” he asks me through his confusion.

  “You need to get up, Dad. Do you hear me?”

  He stares at me blankly.

  “God damn it, I haven’t asked you for anything but I need you to do this one damn thing for me – get up right now.” I look into his dead eyes. “Emily is coming to see you this morning. You need to get yourself cleaned up. Now.”

  His eyes flicker and his forehead creases with confusion. “Emily?” he asks.

  “Yes, Emily. Get up.”

  He finally stands up. “Is she home… why is she coming here?” he asks, completely dazed.

  “She’s been home for three months. She sees your kids every day and now she wants to see you. You need to get your shit together for one damn hour. Get in the shower,” I tell him pushing my hand into his back and guiding him out the door and towards the bathroom.

  “I don’t think I can see her,” he tells me, leaning against the vanity as I run the water in the shower.

  “Well too bad because she’s done waiting. Do something for someone besides yourself, just this once.”

  He shakes his head then drops it in defeat. “I…”

  “Save it,” I tell him. “You’ve been drunk for the better part of a year. You’ve abandoned Maddie and Jason. I don’t want to hear you’re excuses. Emily is coming here, you can get yourself cleaned up or not, I don’t give a shit- she’s going to see you either way.” I walk out the door and slam it behind me. I take a deep breath and pray to God that he gets in the shower. After a couple minutes I hear the glass door open and then shut. I let out a long breath and then go to his room to try and dig out a clean outfit. In the back of his closet are the clothes that Sue bought him during her last shopping excursion with the kids. They’re the only clothes that will fit him properly now. I yank a pair of jeans and a button down shirt off the hangers. I open his dresser drawers until I have a undershirt, underwear and sox. My breath catches as I think of Sue washing his clothes and putting them away. She does more for us than she should. I need my dad to get his shit together.

  The water is still running so I go into the bathroom and set his clothes on the vanity. “I’m putting clothes out here. Finish up and get dressed. She’s gonna be here soon.” He doesn’t answer.

  I pace the hall until I hear the water shut off. I give him a few minutes to dress then I knock on the door. “You dressed?”

  “Yes,” he answers, so I open the door. He’s buttoning his shirt with shaky hands. I would like to think it’s nerves but I know it’s just alcohol deficiency.

  “You can’t drink before she gets here.” Panic surfaces in his eyes but he nods at me. “I made coffee if you want a cup.”

  “Yea, I need something,” he tells me.

  I go get him the coffee and when I return he’s still working on the buttons. I take over, fastening the last three. “Can you shave?” I ask him.

  “I need a drink,” he tells me.

  “Damn it, Dad. No.” I pick up the mug of coffee and shove it in his hand. “Sit down.” Theres a scissors in the drawer, I take it out and start hacking away at his facial hair. “You’re a mess,” I say under my breath.

  “You don’t have to do this,” he says with shame in his eyes.

  “Yea, I do. I don’t want her to see you like this. Stay here, I have to go find a razor.”

  “Danny, I don’t think…” he begins as I make my way out of the bathroom.

  “You’re doing this, Dad. For her.”

  I run up the stairs into the master bathroom - somewhere I haven’t been in months. I rummage through the cabinets until I find a razor and shaving cream. I also grab a comb and some gel for his mop of hair. As I come down the stairs I hear the refrigerator door closing. Fuck. I run to the kitchen and find my dad with a bottle of beer to his lips. “No,”
I yell, ripping the bottle form his hands. “You are not going to be drunk when you talk to her.” I take the bottle and smash it into the metal trash can. “You can be scared,” I say, grabbing a handful of bottles out of the fridge. “You can be fucking sad.” I smash the bottles into the trash can before going back for more. “You can be a sorry fucking son of a bitch but you will not be drunk when you see her. You need to look her in the eyes and hear what she has to say to you.” I smash the remaining bottles in the can. “You can’t disappear from this. She deserves to have you listen to her for a damn minute.” I look at him; his small frame, his shaking hands, his scared eyes. I let out a long exasperated breath. “You can do this, Dad. She just wants to see you. You can do this for her.”

  “Okay, Danny. I’m sorry,” he says, turning and walking out of the kitchen. I follow him until he is seated in the bathroom again. I try and focus on what I’m doing with the razor and not on the emotions that are threatening to take over me.

  I look at his shaven face and it looks more sunken than ever. There is no making him look presentable but I’m still trying as I take up the scissors again and start cutting the hair around his ears and his collar. I keep cutting until his hair is sufficiently short. It still looks like shit thought. I put a glob of gel in it and try and comb it in a way so the choppy cuts are not as noticeable. “That’s the best I can do,” I tell him, brushing the hair off his back and shoulders. “Take your coffee and go sit on the couch. She’ll be here in five minutes.”

  He looks me in the eyes. “What am I supposed to say to her?” he asks me.

  “I don’t know dad. I don’t have the answers she wants. You do.” I pull him up and follow him out of the bathroom.

  Emily

  I’m a ball of nerves as I walk to the Donovan’s front door. I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself for all of the things that Danny warned me about. I’ve been talking to Cora all morning and I think I can handle the fact that she is no longer in this house. I think of her constantly so being in the house shouldn’t be too shocking. I feel like she’s here with me. I’ve conjured up the most distorted image of Mike that I can imagine and now I just hope that I am pleasantly surprised rather than horribly shocked. I take a deep breath and then I knock on the door.