Phoenix (The Bellator Saga Book 4)

by Cecilia London

  She waved at the crowd, waiting for the sustained applause to lessen. She wondered if they’d give her a chance to start her remarks before she’d have to ruin their momentum. They cheered a little longer, until they finally gave her a minute to break in.

  “All right,” Caroline said. “That’s enough. I know you’re not here to see me.”

  They continued to cheer, louder this time, and Caroline waved her arms downward, indicating that they should be quiet. “I don’t know.” She grinned. “Maybe you are here to see me!”

  They started cheering again and Caroline turned around to face the other people on the stage.

  “I’ll take it from here, Jack. I have your usual speech memorized.”

  He laughed along with the crowd.

  “It’s wonderful to be in Pittsburgh again,” Caroline said. “Of course, the last time I was here I spent a good deal of time familiarizing myself with some of your city’s finest elevators but-” She waited for the laughter to die down. “I have been told this is simply a lovely town.”

  Whenever Caroline spoke to large crowds she tried to find friendly faces amongst the throngs who came to see them. Even though she was quite comfortable speaking in public, she had occasional moments of panic when she thought about how many people were hanging on her every word. As she looked out over the masses, she saw that most of them were smiling at her. Genuine smiles. They liked her. Since they’d laughed at the elevator joke she knew there was a chance she might have won them over.

  “A lot of people ask me why I make all these appearances,” Caroline said. “I know, I’m a Democrat-”

  She heard some boos, but not many. It wasn’t a hugely partisan gathering, which she took as a positive. The diversity in the audience was consistent with Jack’s poll numbers. He had held a steady lead over his opponent for most of the spring and summer.

  “Hey, come on guys, we all have flaws,” she said.

  Laughter again. She plowed ahead.

  “This transcends party politics for me. First off, let me say what a delight it is working with Representative Capwell every day in the House. He is a consummate professional, a sharp mind, and you are quite fortunate to have him as your voice in Congress. I would also be remiss if I didn’t thank Representative Sullivan for that kind introduction. She doesn’t normally say nice things about me unless I bribe her, which is why I suspect I’m going to have to ply her with cookies later.” Caroline grinned. “I make magnificent cookies.”

  More light laughter.

  “But she is a wonderful friend, a capable member of Congress, and one of the best people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I know you’ll help her get to the Senate, where she can represent all of Pennsylvania with grace, tenacity, and common sense.”

  Polite applause, a little louder this time.

  “And now,” Caroline said. “This guy-” She jabbed her thumb toward where Jack was sitting. “What can I say about him?” She glanced behind her. “You know, I just realized I’m vastly outnumbered by conservatives at this rally. I’d better watch what I say or I’ll lose one of my few allies on the stage. And I think he’s the only one who can get me on the plane to Philadelphia tonight.”

  More laughter.

  “To get back to what I was saying earlier,” she said. “This isn’t about left or right, liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican. We don’t need to worry about the letters next to the names of the individuals who represent us. We need to care more about who they are as people. We need good citizens, good legislators, good human beings running our government. We’ve gotten to the point in this country where we’re so concerned with ideology and sound bites and the lowest common denominator that we forget we’re all Americans. Most of us are trying to do the right thing, providing for our families, loving our children, hoping we can keep them safe, praying we can give them a good life. We want them to know complete and utter happiness, to grow in their education and social development, in their ability to build community with one another. That can’t be legislated. But it helps to have people in power who understand those values.”

  The crowd was silent.

  “I’ve had the opportunity to speak with some incredible Pennsylvanians as we’ve crossed the state during the last few months,” Caroline said. “Many of them have thanked me for representing people who feel they have no voice.” She smiled. “I guess there are more liberals around here than you think there are.”

  More quick laughter, but they fell silent again. They were hanging on her every word. She didn’t know what else to do but keep going.

  “These voters have asked me - why are you leaving the House of Representatives? Why don’t you stay there? And I’ve told them every single time: this gubernatorial race, the future of this Commonwealth, the future of this entire nation – those things matter. Don’t get me wrong. Family matters. Friends matter. A sense of purpose matters. That’s true of everyone. But I don’t need to stay in Congress to make a difference. I’m married to someone who can do that on a much greater level here in Pennsylvania.”

  Caroline could speak from the heart when it came to her idealism, but making it personal proved a bit more difficult. “You have the opportunity to put a man in the Governor’s Mansion who has tremendous business acumen, who has shown himself to be a dedicated public servant, and who wants to lead Pennsylvania into the future. I wish you could know John Montgomery McIntyre the way I do. He is a good person. He is a visionary. He is a caring, loving, and incredibly inspiring man.”

  She hadn’t wanted to cry at this thing, but damn it. Her emotions were too unpredictable. She cleared her throat. “He can do so much more for all of you as the chief executive here than he ever could in Congress. Which I hope means you’ll have me as your First Lady.”

  More cheering.

  She smiled. “I’m going to take that as a yes.”

  They laughed.

  “Well, thank you,” she said. “I appreciate it, as does Jack. Standing before you today supporting such amazing candidates is the most important thing I could be doing. All of us need to be more involved in the process. All of us need to start caring, not only about what happens to ourselves but what happens to our neighbors, or even complete strangers. We’ve gotten so focused on the game and meaningless and unworkable policy positions that we’ve forgotten our need to interrelate with one another. At times it seems we’ve abandoned our humanity. But I have no qualms about demonstrating mine.” Caroline grinned again. “Maybe that’s because I’m not on the ballot.”

  “Jack cares about the things that you care about. Good schools, safe communities, jobs and investment opportunities, quality infrastructure, equality of opportunity. It gives me such pleasure to appear on his behalf. Every day is a joy knowing that I get to spend it with him.” Her voice started to shake. If she didn’t watch it, she was going to cry. Caroline took a deep breath. “It is an honor to be his wife.” She stared down at the lectern. “I just thought you all should know that.”

  She kept her eyes on the podium, taking a moment to compose herself. “And so,” she said. “Before I start weeping all over the microphone, it is my proud pleasure to introduce the next Governor of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, my husband, John McIntyre!”

  The crowd started cheering again as Jack walked over to her. He put his arm around her waist and kissed her deeply. She caressed his cheek, leaving her hand there, and leaned toward his ear.

  “Was that okay?” she whispered. “I’m not sure if it made any sense.”

  He laughed. “That was spectacular. I’m not sure I can live up to that intro.”

  She pulled back, his arm still around her. “I love you,” she said, seeing the camera flashes go off out of the corner of her eye. She wiped at his mouth. “This is the shot that’s going to be on the front page tomorrow. You with my lipstick all over your face.”

  “I know.” He grinned. “It’s taking all my effort not to grab your ass. Would you mind terribly if I gave my
speech now?”

  Caroline laughed. “My work here is done.” She went back to her seat and stood next to Tom.

  “Maybe you two should get a room,” he whispered, clapping furiously. “One in a swanky hotel with a tastefully lit elevator and a penthouse suite.”

  Caroline caught Christine rolling her eyes at them both. “No hotels tonight. I’ll have my way with him when we get back to Philly. I doubt you get Chrissy to put out.”

  “It’s not our anniversary so probably not,” he said.

  Christine gave them a stern look. “I’m going to really owe her cookies now,” Caroline said. “I forgot your spouse is constantly judging our behavior.” She reached across Tom to give Christine’s arm a little squeeze.

  Christine leaned over. “Way to keep it together, Punky. Must you cry at every speech?” She’d never let her hear the end of it after Caroline had gotten teary eyed during her endorsement speech the past fall.

  “I only do it with people I love,” Caroline said. “Haven’t you noticed?”

  Christine blushed. Caroline patted Tom on the shoulder. She’d won the battle. “We should probably pretend to pay attention now,” she said.

  Tom sat down. “You’ll have to keep up your adoring wife routine for a bit longer before we scoot out of here. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that it’s not an act.”

  Jack started to speak. Caroline smiled, proud to be sitting there as he spoke, mesmerized by the strength of his words.

  * * * * *

  Natalie turned the laptop around. “How was that?”

  Caroline had shed a few tears during the video without realizing it. “That was taxing.”

  “Why?”

  Where could she even start? “That’s not me. I barely recognize that woman.” She closed her eyes. “It’s hard for me to watch.”

  “I know. But you need to talk about these things,” Natalie said. “Do you remember giving that speech?”

  She could remember the designer of her suit, the shoes she’d picked out, the conversations she and Jack had in the car before and after the rally. She could have recited that entire speech by heart. But evasiveness seemed the best way to ignore the unease rising in her throat. “Kind of. I made a lot of campaign appearances that summer.”

  “Were those prepared remarks?”

  “No. I spoke on the fly.”

  “That was Jack’s favorite speech. That speech you gave in Beverly Hills, the one I attended, was a close second. Did you have a prepared statement for that one?”

  “No.” Caroline blushed, remembering that intense night in their room after the fundraiser. She wasn’t about to tell Natalie that he liked that speech in California because he knew what she had on her mind the entire time she was giving it. She didn’t want to think about any more memories she’d made with him.

  “What?” Natalie asked.

  There were some secrets she would never share. “Nothing.”

  “Even on video, the electricity between the two of you is obvious.”

  “That’s why he enjoyed my speech so much. He was always focused on getting in my pants.”

  “I don’t think that’s why he picked it.”

  “You have no idea why he picked it,” Caroline snapped, her discomfort bizarrely replaced by anger. “You don’t know anything about either one of us.”

  “I know more about you than you think.”

  What an arrogant thing to say. “No, you don’t,” Caroline said. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have made me do this little exercise. Do you know how much it hurt me to watch that video? Do you even care? No, because all you care about is convincing me that I can snap my fingers and go back to the normal, benign person I used to be. The one who didn’t scare the crap out of people. I can’t be her, all right? Stop wasting your fucking time.”

  Natalie’s face fell. “I’m sorry, Caroline. I was hoping the video would help. To remind you that you’re a woman with worth and value, not this hollow being you think you are. I didn’t realize it would upset you this much.”

  Dr. Haddad seemed almost as clueless as the man who gave her orders. “Well, it did,” Caroline said. “You think a few weeks in a psychiatric residency makes you qualified to take me on? I bet you’re dying to try out every little theory you’ve found in all those stupid books you read so you can go running to Jack, telling him that you fixed me so he can do whatever he does to reward people who impress him. You have no concept of what it might be doing to me. How do you know you’re not fucking me up even more?”

  Natalie stared down at her desk. “I hope that’s not what I’m doing.”

  The doctor knew exactly what the fuck she was doing. Caroline had finally figured that out. “You think I don’t remember giving that speech?” she asked. “I remember every minute of that summer, every campaign stop, every conversation I had, every precious moment I spent with Chrissy and Jack. And you know what? Watching that speech reminds me that I wasn’t anyone to take even remotely seriously. Making insipid jokes like a fucking court jester, trying to convince people that I was sincere, practically pleading for them to like me. I was a buffoon. A caricature. A hopeless, piteous wannabe player who could never really hang with the big boys. More laughable than intimidating, more impulsive than insightful. Who I was then might be worse than what I am now.”

  “You don’t believe that.” Natalie sounded as upset as she looked. “What a dreadful way to describe yourself.”

  She didn’t care about this doctor’s opinion anymore. “And here you are, Little Miss ‘please like me, Caroline,’ ‘please let me help you,’ ‘I think you’re awesome,’ ‘your speech changed my life,’ and on and on with you. You’re a fucking joke too. You think I’m going to be your friend? You think Jack and I are going to magically become the parental figures you left behind? You think you can fix me? No one can fix me. Do us both a favor and go tell Jack to kick me out now.”

  Natalie was on the verge of tears. “Caroline, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

  Caroline stood up and spun around to face Natalie, who was making no secret of the fact that she was crying. “I know exactly what I’m saying. I don’t want your help. I don’t need your help. Stop with the fucking trips down memory lane and tell Jack to get the inevitable over with. I’m going to my apartment to pack.”

  Natalie followed her toward the door. “Caroline, wait-”

  She wasn’t in the mood to do anything except hightail it out of there. “Sorry, Dr. Haddad. You’d better stick to the simple shit for now. Because you can’t handle anything difficult.” Caroline slammed the door behind her as hard as she could, hearing the window pane crack, laughing as she walked down the hall and out of the building.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Caroline sat on her couch, rubbing her wrists. It was a hot August day and the air conditioning on the base was spotty. Normally she’d sweat through anything but when she was alone she forced herself to look at her bare arms, to train herself to stop reacting. To keep herself from giving in to the despair. Her wrists were red but no longer raw from the injuries she’d received after her arrest. She tried not to think about it.

  What the fuck was wrong with her? For the past half an hour she’d been telling herself to suck it up and go back to therapy, to apologize, to fix the damage she’d done. That was all she seemed capable of lately. Fucking things up. Maybe that was all she knew how to do. It was why she was better off alone. Less collateral damage that way.

  She heard a loud series of knocks at the door. It wouldn’t be Natalie. Not after she’d raked her over the coals. Which meant it could only be one other person. Caroline looked through the peephole and cursed.

  “I know you’re in there,” Jack said. “Open the door before I break it down.”

  She cursed again before opening the door. Jack stepped into her apartment.

  “May I come in?” he asked.

  So polite yet so incredibly angry. She was really in for it now. “Since you’re already here,
I guess so.”

  He glanced at her wrists and grew pale. “Do you need a minute?”

  Defensiveness was the order of the day. He’d leave faster. “I don’t care if you’re uncomfortable. Maybe I should always wear short sleeves. It might keep more people away.”

  “It’s not that, I-”

  “I know why you’re here.”

  Jack returned her stare. “You think it’s a good idea to keep pushing away one of the people who genuinely wants to help you?”

  If it means I stop hurting them, yes. The lies flowed like water, splashing over whatever rocks had gathered in her path. “Natalie doesn’t care about me. She wants to prove something to you, or to her parents, or to the world. I’m a bump in the road to wherever her little ambitious self wants to go.”

  “No, you’re not. And that’s not who she is, either.” His expression softened. “May I sit down? I’ve had a stressful afternoon.”

  Caroline gestured toward the spot she’d vacated on the couch. “Fine with me. You’re not staying long, so don’t get cozy.” Against her better judgment, she sat on the couch next to him, although a good foot of space remained in between them. Jack continued to stare at her arms.

  “Your wrists are still red,” he said.

  She spent enough time memorizing her many scars. She didn’t need him to be hung up on them too. “I don’t heal very quickly.”

  “I remember. Do they hurt?”

  Caroline rubbed her arms. “Emotionally or physically?”

  He frowned. “Both, I guess.”

  “I have no physical pain.” Jack clenched his hands but didn’t say anything. She lifted up one wrist. “These old scars are ugly, aren’t they? Want to know how I got them?”

  “Yes,” he said quietly. “If you want to tell me.”

  “Too bad for you, I don’t. I thought I’d tease you a little.”

  Jack motioned toward the crudely tattooed numbers on her arm. “Did that – did it hurt when they did that?”

  “I was unconscious. I don’t remember.”