Phoenix (The Bellator Saga Book 4)

by Cecilia London

  He winced and turned away from her.

  “It would have been nicer if they’d used a stencil or a pattern or something,” Caroline said absently. “Then I wouldn’t have literally looked like I’d just been liberated from Auschwitz when I got here.”

  He cringed again. “You really think that would have made a difference?”

  “No,” she said. “I was merely making conversation.”

  “Your definition of scintillating wit has changed over the past year or so.”

  She shrugged. “Sorry if I can’t entertain you anymore.”

  Jack ran a hand through his hair. Her forced nonchalance was driving him nuts. “I came to talk about what happened today,” he said.

  “She went running to you right after I left, didn’t she?”

  “Considering that she was hyperventilating on the phone, I think she called my number as soon as you were gone.”

  Everyone who was required to interact with her probably had her husband on speed dial. “I bet you were right there to comfort her too.”

  “Caroline, please. We need to work through this. Don’t be so defensive.”

  He was one to talk. And how dare he make accurate observations. “Oh yeah, talking about today’s therapy session with Dr. Happy Go Lucky is going to keep me from being defensive.”

  “She was incredibly upset when she called me. She thinks she’s screwed everything up.”

  “How disappointing for her. She’ll never get a promotion if she keeps fucking around.”

  “That is not why she was upset and you know it.”

  Jesus Christ, had he insinuated himself into Natalie’s life too? “Did you tell her to make me watch that video?”

  “What video?”

  Her question had clearly caught him by surprise. Interesting. “Of me giving that stupid lovey dovey speech in Pittsburgh right before the end of the summer portion of your gubernatorial campaign. She said it was your favorite. How predictable.”

  His eyes were bright. “You watched it? The whole thing?”

  “Mostly Christine’s intro and my speech. Natalie stopped when it got to you.”

  “You were a tough act to follow. My part of the presentation was terrible.”

  “She shouldn’t have done it. Was it your idea?”

  “Of course not, Caroline. I’m not the one directing your therapy sessions. Dr. Haddad is.”

  Did he think she was naïve enough to buy that line? “She’s doing a bang up job, too.”

  “That’s why you exploded at her? Because she made you think about something happy?”

  She needed him to leave. Soon. “It was a bullshit move. She did it because of you.”

  Jack shook his head. “God forbid you remember what an absurdly supportive wife you were. What a marvelous woman you still are.”

  Oh, please. He was trying too hard. “Whatever.”

  “You’re mad because that video got to you,” he said. “She got to you.”

  “She did not.”

  “You’re also mad because she obviously cares about you.”

  “No, she doesn’t.”

  “I’m not going to argue with you about it. You know how she feels. How I feel.”

  She’d already slayed her therapist. Maybe she could do the same to her husband. Two intrusive birds with one emotional stone. “How do you feel, Jack?” she asked.

  “I love you, Caroline. You get your jollies from forcing me to say it when I know damn well you aren’t going to say it back.”

  “Poor Jack has hurt feelings? Aw, too bad.”

  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and Caroline smiled. “You want to smack the hell out of me right now. Too bad you don’t have the guts to do it.”

  “You think I don’t?” He leaned over until their noses were touching, and she flinched. “But that’s what you want for whatever twisted reason, and I’m not going to do it. You can stop playing your little games.”

  Caroline pushed him away from her. He was close enough that she could practically hear his heart beating. Far too close for her taste. “Fuck you.”

  His lips turned up slightly. Dammit, he was entirely too satisfied by her startled reaction. “You can mask your emotions all you want,” he said. “You can’t put one over on me, Gerard. You never could. It’s okay to admit how much you miss me.”

  She jumped up from the couch. “Get the fuck over yourself. Jesus.”

  Jack crossed his arms. “You don’t want to feel anything, do you? Except anger. Anger is easy. Detachment is easier. Your best friend taught you that. You picked a great way to honor her memory.”

  Oh, fuck him. “Don’t you dare mention Christine to me. You don’t get to talk about her.”

  He stood up, giving her a contemptuous glance. “Why? Because it hurts you? Welcome to the club. You can’t say hurtful things and expect people not to respond. You don’t get to take advantage of me anymore.”

  That didn’t sound good at all. “So you’re going to be an asshole to me from now on?”

  Jack relaxed his posture. “No, Caroline,” he said quietly. “I’m not. I know what you’re doing and it isn’t going to work. You’re trying to bait me into hurting you and I won’t. You’re scared. You’ve lost your ability to trust people, to trust in yourself. But you can’t hide who you really are. You let your guard down and we’re reminded of who you used to be, and then you get fearful and retreat again.”

  What sparkling analysis. “You’re a wannabe psychiatrist too? Maybe you should be the one conducting these sessions.”

  Jack tried not to laugh. “That might be even more of a disaster than you’ve already made it. But I know you better than anyone else here and that frightens the hell out of you. I know all your secrets, all your fears, all your desires. You’re terrified of letting anyone in, especially me. You thought you were safe coming to California with those men, who were content to leave you alone and not challenge you. You didn’t expect to find me. You thought you’d never have to face any of this, that you could shove it all inside you. You can’t. Dealing with me, fighting for me, or loving me scares the shit out of you.”

  He needed to shut up. Or leave her the fuck alone. “I want you out of here,” Caroline said. “Now.”

  “I’m not leaving,” he retorted. “And you’re not running away from this facility either, no matter what you told Natalie.”

  “You’re going to stop me?”

  “I am the commander of this operation and you are going to listen to me. You are not permitted to walk off this base. Do you have any idea how much danger you would face if you left? A single bounty hunter or spy recognizes you and you are on the first train back to D.C. No activists or former public officials are safe and you are the biggest catch of them all, even though they think they killed you. The financial rewards are too great for people to have any sense of right or wrong anymore. I would think you would never want to go anywhere where you could run the risk of being arrested, at least not without significant protection. Can you imagine what they would do to you if they knew you were still alive?” Jack gave her a hard look. “Unless you’ve become a masochist. Do you want to go back there?”

  He’d all but stopped using contractions, which meant he was mad. But she was madder, unable to do anything other than curse at him again. “Fuck you.”

  “That’s good. Get angry. Stay angry. You’re angry at me all the time anyway.”

  “It’s pretty easy. You’re a fucking asshole. Always have been.”

  “That’s true. And you always called me out on it. Sometimes even in public.”

  He picked a hell of a time to be self-deprecating. “I was trying to do the world a favor.”

  “Do you know why I chose that speech?” he asked. “When I first got here I was a wreck. It gave me peace to find footage of you from before everything happened. Some of the most wonderful moments we spent together were during that campaign.” He smiled. “Do you remember?”

  She wanted to wipe
that swaggering little smile off his face. “No.”

  His expression remained unchanged. “Yes, you do. The public adored you. You were so charismatic and engaging, but none of it was manufactured. You were genuine and they loved you for it. They knew you were a real person. Someone they could relate to.”

  He was lying. Why was everyone lying about who she used to be? “I don’t want to talk about this,” Caroline said, wrapping her arms around herself.

  “I do. Because that’s who you are at your core. You’ll always be that woman even if you think she’s been destroyed.”

  Why did he have to keep reminding her of how much things had changed? “Stop it, Jack. Stop trying to butter me up. I want to leave. I can’t stand it here.”

  “I told you. You are not allowed to leave. You’d be dead or in jail before you even got anywhere near the Canadian border. Abandon that plan now.” He gave her a stern look. “If I have to lock you in here and keep a guard at your door 24/7, I will.”

  “Don’t forget about the windows.”

  “You’d really jump down three stories to escape?”

  “You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

  Jack marched toward her. “I know exactly what you’re capable of. Except you think that none of it is good.”

  She took a step back. “Stay away from me.”

  “I love you,” he said softly. “You know that. You’ve always known that.”

  She didn’t know a damn thing except her desire to be alone. “You never loved anyone but yourself. Now you have a problem because the wife you thought was dead is back and you have to convince people that our marriage wasn’t an act. That we really were partners. Remember those suspicious bloggers saying we couldn’t possibly be that close? We must have had a marriage of convenience, or we’d arranged a sham relationship because you wanted to be elected, or because I wanted financial stability, or because I was secretly a lesbian, or because we both knew we weren’t going to do any better. And it’s terribly problematic for said wife to be acting like an uncontrollable bitch all the time, because how can you continue to perpetuate the myth that you were happily married and not playing it up for the cameras?”

  “What we had was real, Caroline. A few wingnut opinions never mattered, especially to you.”

  She could get him. He wouldn’t leave without a fight but she could whip that emotional stone out again. “No, it wasn’t real. It was sex. Lots of sex. And throwing money around. That was all.” She glared at him. “I know why you really married me, you know. You wanted to be governor. I had almost everything you needed in a political spouse. If I’d been a Republican I would have been perfect. But you could make do with the whole ‘look at these two mildly political opposites and their adorable connection’ angle. You never loved me and you never wanted any part of an equal partnership. You wanted power, and the lady with the high approval ratings and nice ass could help you get there.”

  Jack stepped away from her. “You don’t believe that.”

  “How do you know? A few weeks at a federal holding facility can alter your mind.”

  “You remember all the important things. You’d never forget them.”

  “I remember how easy it was to talk you into running for governor. You wanted it all along. It was quite handy when I got shot. I turned into a public figure who enchanted the country despite all my efforts to the contrary. It was easy for you to ride those coattails. “

  “Caroline, that is not how it was,” Jack said. “Stop doing this.”

  She ignored the urgency in his voice. She could slaughter him as easily as she could bring him back to life. “The voters found the two of us captivating. It was one of the main reasons you got elected. And now you’ve got to get me stable enough so you can continue the act, so you can motivate your troops to fight this battle that we both know is doomed. You were able to come here and play the martyr card, letting them know that despite your best efforts your dear wife was a sacrificial lamb for the cause. How many of them know the truth about what happened that night in the woods?”

  He blanched. “I-”

  Caroline wasn’t ready to hear the answer to that question. “Now you have to deal with the aftermath of that escapade – the fact that I’m crazy as fuck. And you’ve got to get me back to a marginally functioning person again, one who treats you as the benevolent leader you think you are. Otherwise you won’t be able to maintain your authority. Well, I’m not going to help you,” she said. “So give it up.”

  Jack looked down at his feet. “You loved me,” he said quietly. “I know you did. You’re being vindictive and spiteful and I don’t believe a word of it.”

  It was easy to let the words flow without thinking about what they really meant. “I loved all the free shit. And spending your money. That was nice. That was the best part of our marriage.”

  “No,” he said. “You can’t fake the way you responded to me.”

  Was it always about the bedroom with him? He was fairly competent at delivering orgasms but she wasn’t going to stroke his ego for it. “Oh, you were good in the sack,” Caroline said. “I’d never deny that.”

  “What we had was more than sex,” he said. “I don’t know why you keep beating that horse. Is it because you’re ashamed of how great we were together? Do you think you don’t deserve that kind of love?”

  “It was lust. You were wrong about me. I wasn’t a sweetheart at all. I coveted the finer things in life and you were the way I could get them. So I ran with the opportunity.”

  “You were always a terrible liar. You can’t make yourself appear even the slightest bit convincing.” But Jack sounded a little unsure of himself.

  “Did I stutter?”

  “Who are you?” he demanded. “What happened to the real Caroline?”

  She never existed. “You know damn well what happened to me. Use your imagination as to what might take place during weeks of highly unconstitutional interrogation in a federal prison. You’ve seen the scars on my wrists. You’ve seen where my nose used to be, where my fingers are crooked when they used to be straight. You’re a smart man. You can figure it out on your own. Fucker,” she muttered.

  “I don’t want to speculate.” Jack started pacing across the room. “I can’t – you’re punishing me by keeping this from me. You want me to hurt as much as you do.”

  “You’re goddamn right I do.”

  “You have no idea how much I already hurt.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I want you to tell me!”

  Caroline narrowed her eyes. “No.”

  “I want to help you.” His voice was sad. “Please let me help you.”

  She gritted her teeth, desperate for the conversation to end. “I don’t need your help.”

  Jack clenched his fists. “Why won’t you let me in?”

  “You don’t deserve any answers from me.”

  “You’re afraid that if you tell me what happened, I’ll reject you. You’re scared stiff that there’s a chance that the next time you yell at me, I really will leave and you’ll be all alone. Is that what you want?”

  Damn it, she’d said and done so much. More than she’d ever done before. Gouged and scrabbled at him so many times. Why was he still in her apartment? “I don’t want you, that’s for damn sure.”

  “I saw the way you reacted the other day when I was speaking to Lieutenant Underwood. In your haste to escape you did quite a bit of damage. Nice of you to leave the hallway littered with office supplies.” Jack unclenched his fists and his tone changed. “You were always so possessive, Caroline. So jealous. It’s part of the reason you’re so delectable. And you still want me. You want me back so badly you can hardly contain yourself.”

  Underwood. That was her name. And shit, she’d been seen. Caroline rarely ventured out of her apartment save for therapy, the gym, and the occasional trip to the cafeteria. But she’d wandered the halls earlier in the week for no particular reason. She was headed to a late lunch and cam
e across a female officer speaking with Jack. Very blond, very buxom, and very touchy-feely. Something he said caused her to laugh uproariously and pinch his arm, which Caroline found implausible because Jack wasn’t all that funny.

  It was a big hallway and she was being quiet, but Caroline stumbled over a few boxes as an unfamiliar feeling overtook her. Envy. Pure and simple. But hell if she was going to admit it to him.

  “Believe what you want,” she said. “I don’t need you. I’m not attracted to you in the least.”

  “You are, sweetheart. I can feel it from over here.” Jack had a disturbingly indecent smile on his face that Caroline had never seen before. “The energy is pouring out of you. You’re attracted to me even when you’re angry.”

  He strode toward her and Caroline backed away unsteadily. She remembered the way she felt when she’d seen him talking to Underwood, and her face flushed. But it was more than her face. It was her entire body. She had to get away from him before he noticed.

  “You’re going to stay on this base,” he said. “Understand? And you’re going to have to keep dealing with me.” Caroline almost tripped over the end table and he grinned. “Having trouble keeping your balance? You can’t fight this anymore. You might be able to hide your feelings from everyone else, but not me.”

  Slowly. So slowly. His eyes trailing from her eyes to her feet. That smile growing ever more rapacious. He inched toward her and she could do nothing but try to avoid him. But that was impossible. He backed her against the wall. Caroline could feel his sweet breath at her lips. His soft, gentle lips. His touch could be rough but his kisses had always been tender. What would happen if he kissed her just once? Surely she could tolerate that. More than tolerate it. Enjoy it. Relish it. Beg for more.

  Fuck, she had bit off more than she could chew. She closed her eyes, waiting for him to make that final move.

  Jack laughed. “You want me to kiss you. I know. But I’m not going to give you that. Not yet.”

  Caroline pressed her palms against the wall, afraid to open her eyes, afraid to move away from him. Something in his voice cemented her to the floor. Jack traced a trail from her temple to her jaw with his finger, and she shuddered.