Loving a Sinner

by D. B. Webb

  Behind those guarded eyes was a man that needed to be reminded that he was worth the time and care of another person.

  I just hoped he’d let me be the one to show him.

  I rushed down the stairs of Ryan’s apartment, all the while praying I wouldn’t pass anyone on the way to my car. My hard-on was way too evident through my jeans.

  What I had just experienced with Ryan was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. It was better than anything I had experienced with any other woman before her. It was better than remembered birthdays, better than surfing, better than any high I had ever experienced.

  She had been everything.

  As soon as I found my way back to Devlin’s, I headed to the guest room where I was staying. I threw my clothes off and headed straight for the shower. I had some unfinished business I had to attend to that involved my hand and thoughts of Ryan’s naked body under me.

  The shower didn’t last long because I didn’t last long. Apparently Ryan had completely broken me. I had reverted back to a preteen that couldn’t last longer than a minute before coming undone. I was wrecked. Utterly and completely wrecked by this girl… and I didn’t hate it. But at the same time, I wanted to say, ‘forget it!’ Nothing good could come from this arrangement we had made.

  I wasn’t stupid. I had seen the look on her face after I gave her the best orgasm she probably had ever had. She looked at me like I was some knight in shiny armor.

  But I wasn’t. I never would be.

  I knew what women wanted to hear, and I told them nice things as I pleasured them. It got them closer to the edge, and I liked watching them fall over. So I told Ryan things that she needed and wanted. I, in turn, received what I was looking for.

  Except only a small part of me believed that bullshit. I knew deep down that I had meant every damn word that came out of my mouth. For some reason, she made me want to be honest and real. She made me want to be the man I wished I could be.

  Get a grip, would you? You’ve known this girl for two days.

  I tried to reason with myself for the rest of the night. I went back and forth between wanting to call it quits to keep myself safe from feeling anything more than lust with Ryan and coping with the realization that she was a drug that I wouldn’t be able to take just one hit from. Over the past two years, I had been given very minimal details about Ryan. However, being around her felt like I was with someone I had known my entire life. She made me feel like my slate was clean.

  I was redeemed.

  I was saved.

  But I wasn’t really. I knew that. I couldn’t escape from my past, and I was stuck with a future that had been paved for me from birth. I was just a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I looked nice and shiny and lovable from the outside, but inside I was a mess.

  I would do this thing with Ryan. We would both get our fix, and we would move on. She would eventually marry some nice guy who would provide her with a stable home and a few kiddos. I would spend my time sleeping around until I got bored with that, and then I would devote myself to my job and future.

  But one thing I knew for sure: I would take as much as I could while I had her. I would memorize every moment of happiness she provided me. I would make sure I was someone she would never forget. I wanted her to remember what she had with me when she found someone to love her in the future. I wanted to be the ghost she would dream about from time to time.

  Because I was selfish.

  And I would take what I could get.

  I spent the next few days going through the motions. I would wake up, (check my phone), eat, (check my phone), apply for colleges, (check my phone). I refused to be the person to text Jackson first. If he wanted me, he could get in contact with me. But the constant way my eyes would be drawn to my phone started making me feel like I was going crazy.

  Kayla returned four days after Jackson had left me in my apartment. She was bubbly and excited to tell me all about her little vacation she had taken with her boy toy. The fact that I still wasn’t sure what his name was was pretty telling about how I thought this relationship would end.

  “… and then Brody took us out on his boat, and lord, it was perfect!”

  “It sounds like it, Kay. You think he’s gonna be the one to capture Kayla’s heart?”

  She eyed me and laughed like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard.

  “I don’t believe in monogamy, Ryan. How am I supposed to only love one single person for the rest of my life? Can you say, ‘borrrring?’”

  This had me sighing. My best friend was ridiculous, but I loved her to death.

  “Maybe I’ll adopt your crazy ass ways…” I told her, rolling my eyes.

  This really had Kayla laughing. I threw my pillow at her and huffed.

  “Ryan Patterson, we both know you are the most vanilla girl out there. As much as I would love for you to go crazy and let loose… I think throwing out monogamy is a bit far fetched.”

  “Hey! I’m not vanilla…”

  But she was right, I was vanilla. Well, after my agreement with Jackson, I was less vanilla than she thought, but she wasn’t allowed to know about that.

  “Ryan, it isn’t a bad thing. I admire you and how you were able to love for so long. Granted, that love was placed in an idiot.” Kayla looked at me seriously. “Don’t let your first attempt at love be the thing that keeps you from finding it again. You’re a catch, Ryan. Accept the inevitable!”

  “And what’s that?” I asked, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.

  “That one day you’re going to find the man of your dreams. He’ll fall madly in love with you, marry you, and then you’ll pop out a few kids and have a perfect life.”

  I didn’t say anything. On one hand, that sounded exactly what I would have wanted before Devlin cheated and took every ounce of trust I had. But now? Now I wasn’t sure what I wanted.

  “I think I just want to test the waters for a while… Maybe just have some fun,” I admitted. Her shocked face confirmed that she thought I had lost my damn mind.

  “Wait! Wait! Wait! Are you saying you want to just mess around? Like no strings attached?!” Her voice was shrill and excited.

  “I think so… Yeah.”

  “Oh my God! We need to go out! Let’s go to that new club I was telling you about! I cannot wait to see this in action!” She squealed. I realized I had made a grave mistake telling my best friend that I wanted casual sex. Because now she wouldn’t rest until she knew I had actually done it. But there was no way in hell I was going to sleep with anyone but Jackson.

  An hour later, she had me made up and dressed like a hooker. Well, Kayla said I looked sexy, but I had to disagree… I hated wearing dresses… short, tight dresses were even worse.

  “Brody said he’ll meet us there. It’s an hour away, so I’m calling a driver to take us. There’s no way I’m being DD,” Kayla informed me while she typed something on her illuminated phone.

  I didn’t argue nor agree. Kayla was on a mission and wouldn’t be able to hear me anyway with her focus on the plans for the night.

  I kept checking my reflection in our body-length mirror. I found myself wondering if Jackson would like what I was wearing.

  Where the hell was Jackson anyway? He hadn’t even attempted to contact me in four days. No ‘hello,’ ‘goodnight,’ or ‘how are you?’ text. Nothing. I wasn’t really angry, but I was worried about him. What if something had happened?

  Eventually the driver showed up and brought us to the club Kayla had been obsessing about for weeks. It was supposed to be the best thing since the invention of wifi or something. It was loud and packed.

  Shouting something about getting something to drink and finding Brody, Kayla pulled me in the direction of the bar, where we sat on two recently empty bar stools.

  “She’ll have a dirty martini, and I’ll have a manhattan!” Kayla told the bartender. A few minutes later, he returned to where we sat with our drinks.

  Kayla absentmindedly grasped hers in
her hand as she scanned the busy room. I knew she was looking for Brody, but there was no way she would be able to make him out in the crowd of people.

  “Stay here! I’m going to the bathroom to call my man!” she called to me before hopping off her seat and disappearing.

  With a sigh, I took a sip of what she ordered for me and almost gagged. It was disgusting. The bartender caught on and made his way back to me.

  “Where’d your friend go?” he asked me.

  I was used to men being intrigued by Kayla. I always seemed a little invisible next to her.

  I offered a one-shouldered shrug, and he gave me a dimpled grin. “You don’t like what she ordered you?”

  “It’s…” I thought about lying, but what the hell. “It’s so gross.”

  “I take it you’re more of a margarita girl?”

  To be honest I wasn’t a much of an any drink kind of girl, but I kept that to myself.

  “I guess.”

  He gave a nod and rushed away. I thought that was the end of our discussion, but within a matter of a few minutes, he returned with the girliest looking drink I had ever seen. I knew Kayla had ordered me a martini because it looked classy as fuck, but god, if it tasted that gross I would take immature girly drink any day.

  “On the house,” he told me, leaning on the sticky bar—his dimples on display. I took a slow sip, nodded in approval, and took my time checking him out. He was cute in a rugged kind of way. His hair was longer and he had tattoos that snaked up his arms. If I was into the dangerous kind of man, I would have found him incredibly attractive. But he wasn’t my type.

  My type. Did I really even have a type anymore?

  I thought of Jackson and decided I did.

  I was two drinks in when Kayla and Brody finally made their way back to the bar. I had to admit I was a lightweight and was already feeling the effects of the alcohol that was currently coursing through my system.

  “Margaritas? Really, Ryan?” Kayla scoffed. “Let me guess, you haven’t had a single man hit on you yet?”

  I wanted to protest and tell her that the bartender, Aiden, had given me free drinks. I also wanted to tell her that on more than one occasion he had stopped in front of me and leaned close to converse with me. But Aiden was currently standing too close for me to tell his secrets, so I just smiled and shook my head.

  “If I’m going to be stuck here at this loud club, I’m going to drink something that actually tastes good!” I told her.

  She mumbled, and Brody whispered in her ear. She turned her attention back to me and asked, “Will you at least come to the dance floor?”

  “No.”

  There was no way in hell I was going to the dance floor.

  She began protesting, and I began to tune her out. It was how most of our outings went.

  “Another drink?” Aiden asked me, interrupting my best friend’s annoyed rant about me being boring.

  “God yes,” I told him. He winked and walked away leaving Kayla stunned.

  She pulled me close to her and whisper-shouted, “Ryan Patterson! He wants to bone you!”

  I glanced over at Aiden, who was watching us out of the corner of his eye. A smirk crossed his face when he saw my eyes on him.

  “No, he doesn’t.”

  “Have you paid for any of these atrocious drinks?”

  I hadn’t.

  “No…”

  “He wants to bone you. Hard. Like bend-you-over-a-couch-arm-and-fuck-you-‘til-you-scream hard.”

  My eye roll was enough for Kayla to laugh and kiss my cheek. “If he asks you to come home with him, say yes. I’m going home with Brody. If for some reason you don’t find a man here, call the driver, and he’ll take you home.”

  With that, she left me alone at a bar in the middle of a packed club. I wanted to go after her and tell her I didn’t feel comfortable being left alone like this. I was half pissed and half amused by her antics.

  “For the record,” a voice said, bringing me back from my thoughts. “At least one man has hit on you tonight. In case I wasn’t clear before.”

  It was Aiden and his shit-eating smirk. He really was gorgeous. If my mind hadn’t been constantly going back to a certain someone, I would have really considered his advances. But every time I thought about having sex, there was only one face that came to mind.

  Jackson’s.

  I took the drink Aiden held out for me and grinned. “Thanks.”

  It was the nicest possible way I could think to answer him without leading him on. I wasn’t going to be bent over his couch anytime soon.

  “I take it you’re single?” he inquired further. My stomach had a weird knot, and I shook my head.

  “Sorry, but I’m sort of seeing someone. I’m not officially dating him, so my friend thinks that means it’s still a free for all in the men’s department.”

  “Is it?”

  No. Yes. Was it? Jackson and I hadn’t said we were exclusive, but either way I couldn’t imagine myself having sex with two men in the same time period. I made a mental note to discuss that with Jackson when I saw him next.

  “No.”

  He nodded with understanding. “Well, if that ever changes, you know where to find me, Ryan.”

  I had a feeling my free drinks were at an end for the night.

  After I had finished my last drink Aiden had made, I made my way to the bathroom to call the driver. I wasn’t trying to find someone to sleep with tonight, and I didn’t want to be at the club in the first place, so it was time to go home.

  When I got to the bathroom, I saw that I had three missed calls. When I checked to see who they were from, my heart skipped a beat.

  Three missed calls from Jackson.

  He had left a single voicemail, so I quickly dialed it and held the phone to my ear.

  “Hey Ryan, it’s Jackson. I was free tonight and hoping that maybe I could swing by? Let me know.”

  Forgetting entirely about the driver, I called Jackson back, hoping he would answer.

  After two rings, his voice broke through. “Hello?”

  It was then that I remembered I was past tipsy and full-on drunk.

  Shit.

  “Hey,” I replied, but it came out way too giggly for my taste.

  “Are you drunk?”

  How did he know? Was he a psychic or something?

  “I know because you sound drunk, Ryan.”

  Oh shit, I had said that out loud?

  “Oh,” I replied dumbly.

  “Where are you?”

  He sounded stern and concerned, which pissed me off in my drunken state.

  “Why do you care? You’re not my boyfriend.”

  I went there. I really went there, and I knew the next morning I would be kicking myself for sounding as pathetic as I did.

  “Ryan,” his voice was low and demanding, “Where are you?”

  “This new club… Paradise… Kayla took me here to fuck someone.”

  And this was why I didn’t drink.

  Jackson ignored the last part and focused on the first when he replied calmly, “And where’s Kayla?”

  “With Brody… I think they left?”

  “She left you there?”

  “Yeah, but it’s okay. I have to call a driver, and he’ll come get me. But I called you first.”

  There was a pause and what sounded like shuffling on his end.

  “I’m on my way, just stay put, okay?”

  “You don’t have to—”

  “Ryan, you’re in a club alone. I’m not letting you put yourself at risk like that. I was already in the area, so I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”

  I didn’t protest and told him I would wait. He hung up, and I stood in the bathroom stall staring at my phone.

  Why was he already in the area? The club was in Los Angeles.

  I must have sat in the bathroom stall way longer than I realized because soon my phone was ringing, Jackson’s name flashing across it.

  “I’m here, out front
.”

  When I made it outside, I found him in his rental car waiting for me.

  I was expecting him to be angry. To tell me what an idiot I was and what a fool I had made of myself, but as soon as I drunkenly slipped into the passenger’s seat, he gave me a small chuckle.

  “Did you have fun?”

  “Yes,” I lied.

  In truth, it hadn’t been fun at all. I was still a little pissed at Kayla. Part of me wanted to brag about being hit on by the bartender, but thankfully the tactful part of myself didn’t let me.

  “It’s over an hour drive from home. Are you okay with staying at my apartment in LA?” he changed the subject.

  “You have an apartment in LA?”

  “Well, it’s my father’s, but yes.”

  I was silent and he asked again, “Are we okay to stay here for the night?”

  Oh, right. He had asked a question.

  “Okay.”

  As he weaved in and out of city traffic, I felt myself lulling to sleep. Alcohol always had a way of making me tired. It didn’t even register when the car stopped and Jackson opened my door.

  “Come on, Sleeping Beauty.”

  I cracked one eye open and gave him a lazy smile.

  “You think I’m pretty? Even when I’m drunk off my ass and asleep?”

  He looked at me through his eyelashes and whispered, “Yes.”

  We made our way through the lobby of his apartment building and to the stairs. He held me close and half-carried me up the stairs. I had already sobered up significantly, but I didn’t want him to let me go, so I didn’t put up a fight.

  Once we were secure in his apartment and the door was locked behind us, he turned to me, arms spread wide. “Home sweet home!”

  He meant it as a clichéd statement.

  What he didn’t know is how close to the truth he hit.

  While he wasn’t quite home yet, there was something about him that felt right. He made me want to drop my keys off on the kitchen island and head to the bedroom to change into my pajamas. He made me want to call out, “Honey! I’m home!”

  He wasn’t my home yet.

  But something told me eventually he would be.

  Once we had settled into Jackson’s apartment for the night, he had made us a pot of coffee and disappeared without saying a word. I wondered if he was annoyed that he had to take care of me. This was why I didn’t drink. I hated drunks, yet here I was coming down from my tipsy state in Jackson’s L.A. home.