Loving a Sinner

by D. B. Webb

  I was sipping my piping hot, bitter as hell cup when he returned to the kitchen. He was now wearing sweats and a burnt orange V-neck. I had a feeling the tee shirt was supposed to be loose fitting, but with his build, it clung to his arms and chest. Not that I was complaining—even if I hated the color orange.

  “You can stay in the bedroom, I’ll stay on the couch,” he informed me.

  I frowned because I was under the assumption we’d be sharing his bed.

  “You don’t have to stay on the couch—”

  “I don’t fall asleep next to people,” he cut me off. His normally friendly and flirty persona was temporarily replaced with a colder man.

  I tried to fake nonchalance with a shrug. “If you change your mind, I don’t bite.”

  His eyes darkened and a wicked expression crossed his face. “It’s not the biting I’m worried about.”

  I wanted to go to him and kiss his stupid expression off his face. I hated how my whole body heated up and reacted to his words.

  “In that case…” I began jokingly. I swear his eyes turned an even darker shade as he stood there, silent and brooding.

  “Ryan,” he took a step closer to where I was sitting.

  “Yes?”

  “Are you sober?”

  “Considering you brought me here,” I pretended to check the nonexistent watch on my wrist, “Two hours ago, and I now have coffee coursing through my body… yes.”

  That was all the confirmation he needed before he was pulling me off the stool into a kiss. It was rough and consuming. His soft lips eagerly searching my hesitant ones. Eventually I settled into his kiss. I let it take over, willing him to make me his. His tongue swept across my lower lip. When a small moan escaped, parting my lips ever so slightly, he took his chance at sweeping in his tongue. It found mine and the kiss slowed down. Our tongues created a dance that I wanted to memorize. Eventually he pulled back and gave me small pecks on each corner of my mouth before kissing me again, full on the lips. This kiss was soft and completely opposite of the first, but it sent my mind reeling. It was sensual and sweet. But that’s not what had my mind racing. It was one single thought that was echoing through my mind.

  He’s kissing me.

  He must have realized his mistake because he pulled away from me, a grimace replacing his lustful gaze.

  “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  Those words blew out every dash of hope that kiss had ignited within me.

  He regretted what I had found to be an unforgettable moment in my life.

  “Let me show you the room,” he mumbled before taking my forgotten cup of coffee and dumping it down the sink. I wasn’t done drinking it, but I couldn’t find the words to stop him.

  He turned his back to me and headed out of the kitchen, expecting me to follow him.

  I did… even if I didn’t want to.

  The bedroom was bare and lacked any sort of decoration. The walls were cream, the sheets were cream, the curtains were cream. It was bland and void of life.

  “Bathroom is through there,” he pointed to a shut door and then continued, “I have to be back in Rocksend by noon, so I’ll wake you up in time to get ready.”

  I nodded, still unable to speak. His eyes stayed on me, searching. For what, I wasn’t sure. I averted my eyes, not wanting him to read what rested behind them. The disappointment, the hurt, the curiosity.

  “Night, Ryan.”

  The door closed, and I looked back toward the place he had stood.

  “Night, Jackson.”

  I was an idiot. Worse, I was an asshole who had idiotic tendencies.

  It was just a kiss. I had lied when I told her that I didn’t kiss. Normally I could spend forever lost in kissing. It was actually something I enjoyed. But the moment I had decided to do this thing with her, I had realized I was in trouble. There was a chance I wouldn’t be able to walk away from her.

  Kissing was intimate. That wasn’t a lie. Hell, what we had just done was almost as intimate as I had ever been with someone. I had gotten swept away in that kiss. I tasted her. I felt her heart beating against me. I wanted to be the one to kiss her for the rest of her goddamn life.

  That was the problem. It was what I had feared when I first promised myself I wouldn’t let myself taste her in that way. I knew if I had the chance to kiss her, really kiss her, I wouldn’t be able to escape.

  But I couldn’t pretend the kiss hadn’t happened. I needed more.

  Turning back to the door I had just shut behind me, I threw it open to find a very naked Ryan. She whipped around in surprise and pulled the bed covers over her as if I hadn’t seen everything already. What she didn’t know, was the day at her apartment, I had committed every detail of her perfect body to memory.

  “What are you doing?” she demanded. She wasn’t angry, I realized, just surprised.

  “Fuck not kissing you,” was my reply.

  I was in front of her before she had a chance to protest. My lips found hers again. This time I took my time exploring her mouth. Her hands released the covers and snaked around my neck, pulling me closer.

  “Too many clothes,” she mumbled against my lips. I couldn’t help but chuckle at her unsaid request.

  “As I see it, there’s nothing left for you to remove,” I replied sarcastically, knowing full well she meant that I had too many clothes on.

  I continued kissing her until I had her spread across the bed. Her hair cascading all around her like she was some kind of fucking angel.

  My angel. My redeeming grace.

  She was beautiful, and her pussy was glistening with want, her eyes mirroring how she felt. She looked at me as if I was some kind of knight.

  Her knight in not-so-shining armor.

  “Have I told you how beautiful you are?” I asked her seriously. I took everything about her seriously.

  “Not today,” she joked. She always joked to hide behind her insecurities. She didn’t seem to ever take herself seriously. I was going to change that.

  “Well, let me remind you.”

  I shoved my sweats down my body. I hadn’t worn underwear, and my hard-on was pointing at her. I couldn’t help but notice the way her eyes wandered over my body.

  “Your shirt?”

  “It stays on,” I reminded her. I may have broken my rule about kissing her, but the shirt rule wasn’t going to be abandoned. Everyone had scars, whether they were visible or not. Mine happened to be on full display across my back in the form of silvery white lines and red circles. I may have gotten away from my dad at eighteen, but he made sure that I would always have a reminder of who I was and what I was worth.

  Worth to him… Not what you’re actually worth, I tried to remind myself. But it didn’t matter. The scars on my skin didn’t run as deep as the ones ingrained on my soul.

  I was scarred and broken and I sure as hell didn’t deserve the woman lying on the bed in front of me. Her eyes held questions, but she didn’t ask. She simply nodded her head and waited for my next move.

  I pulled her to the edge of the bed and knelt in front of her. I wanted to taste her. I bet that she tasted like heaven.

  Just as I was about to make my descent, Ryan squeezed my head between her thighs. Looking up at her, I furrowed my brows.

  “I… I don’t like…” She stumbled over her words and her eyes roamed from me to between her legs.

  “You don’t like when a guy goes down on you?” I asked her bluntly. We needed to work on her communication if this was going to work. She was perfect and had no reason to be embarrassed.

  Her face flushed, and she squeezed her eyes shut, “I can’t come that way.”

  I wanted to laugh, but I had a feeling she was telling the truth. I had a feeling the problem had less to do with her and more to do with the fact that she’d been with men who had never known how to give her what she wanted.

  I loved going down on women. I liked watching as they came apart as I spent my sweet time with my tongue and fingers. But tonigh
t, I wasn’t going to push the matter because she was uncomfortable and I didn’t want her shutting down.

  “Open your eyes, Ryan.” She did so with hesitation. Those beautiful blue eyes were guarded, and we couldn’t have that. “Don’t be afraid to tell me what you like and don’t like, baby.”

  She nodded her head, but I knew she wasn’t actually agreeing with me.

  “Ryan,” I said seriously, “I mean it.”

  With that, I stretched myself over her body and kissed her. I kissed away the shame, the fear, the uncertainty. Promises I couldn’t say out loud were in the form of my lips brushing softly against hers. I just hoped she could interpret them.

  After our mouths became more hungry, I could feel the heat between her legs. I groaned, and she lifted her hips and rubbed herself against my very hard cock. Her wetness coating me. My promises were forgotten and replaced with my physical need for her.

  This was fun. This wasn’t supposed to be serious.

  This was just sex.

  I stood and quickly found my condom stash in the nightstand. Pulling a foil square, I ripped it open with my teeth, and watched her watch me as I slid the condom on. When I made my way back to where she was lying, I flipped her so her ass was on display.

  She looked over her shoulder, her loose hair flying wildly, making her look incredibly sexy. I pulled her crazy hair away from her back and to one side so I could kiss her right shoulder, bringing our bodies flush against each other. Skin to skin, we seemed to fit perfectly.

  I angled my cock at her entrance, and it was then that she realized I’d be taking her from behind. She didn’t protest, however, she just turned her head away from me, waiting for me to do whatever it was I was going to do.

  I pushed inside her wet and warm pussy and I knew I wouldn’t last long. What was this woman doing to me? When I was fully in her to the hilt, I stayed still. I was not going to ruin having sex with Ryan for the first time because my dick had a mind of his own.

  Think of grandmas… think of those sad animal commercials where Sarah McLachlan sings her depressing ass angel song…

  It worked, and I pulled myself almost all the way out of Ryan and slammed back into her. Her gasp had my head spinning. I picked up my speed.

  “Fuck, Ryan…”

  She felt amazing, warm and perfect. I placed sloppy kisses against her neck and shoulder as I pumped in and out of her.

  “Lo… oh God… Jackson!”

  She was close, I could feel her pussy squeezing my dick. I reached around and found her wet, swollen clit. I circled it with my thumb as I continued to fuck her. It only took a few more pumps before she came, gasping incoherent words. I caught my name, and I felt my heart speed up. My name on her lips sounded like a beautiful song I wanted to play on repeat.

  I was close, and she must have realized that because she threw her head back against my chest and smiled a wide and taunting smile. Her soft, flushed cheek pressed against mine. I pushed her back down, away from me. She held herself on her elbows, making cute noises that only she could possibly make during sex.

  Then I came hard. So hard that it took a moment for me to see straight. I collapsed against her, and she wiggled underneath me, giggling. I was still inside her, but I wasn’t ready to remove myself. I didn’t want to wake from this impossibly flawless dream.

  “You. Are. Perfect,” I breathed against her skin. It was hot and sticky with sweat.

  I didn’t have to see her face to know she was rolling her damn eyes. Her silence was enough of a clue to tell me how she felt about being called perfect. I wanted to kick Devlin’s ass for not appreciating the woman he had. The woman who loved him. Because I would have done anything to have a woman like Ryan love me.

  After I pulled away from her and removed the condom, I pulled my clothes back on as she watched me with a content smile on her face. It was when I started heading for the door that I caught a look of confusion cross her face.

  “Where are you going?” she asked me.

  “The couch.”

  “You’re really going to fuck me and just leave… just like that?” Her tone was accusatory, and I could hear a tinge of anger. But damn I loved it when she got all feisty, so I couldn’t help the way the corners of my mouth lifted. This just pissed her off further. “You’re an ass.”

  “Ryan,” I said in a soft voice. She crossed her arms against her chest. I bit back a groan because it pushed her naked breasts out on display. My stare must have shown my less than decent thoughts about her because she unfolded her arms and rolled her eyes.

  “Eyes are up here, big guy.”

  Big guy? I laughed at that.

  “Is that because of the size of Jackson Junior?” I asked jokingly.

  Her scoff was playful. “You wish… and Jackson Junior? Really?”

  “What else should I call him?”

  “Oh my god! Nothing you weirdo! You’re a grown man!”

  As she giggled, I stepped back toward the bed and pinned her down—turning her giggles into a full and wonderful laugh.

  My mouth was only a few centimeters from hers when I whispered seriously, “Jackson Junior doesn’t appreciate you laughing at him.”

  She snorted and wiggled free. Her arms pushing me playfully.

  “You’re so weird.”

  “I am who I am. Can’t change me, babe…‘Insist on yourself; never imitate.’ You know who said that?”

  She shook her head.

  “Ralph Waldo Emerson,” I told her.

  “Did you just quote an old dead guy to me?”

  I shrugged, “It’s kinda my thing. You’ll catch on.” I placed a kiss on the tip of her nose and traced her face with my fingertips. The gesture was more intimate than I would have liked, but with Ryan I broke rules I had set up for myself. She made me want to throw all my rules away and just run with whatever it was we were doing.

  But I wouldn’t.

  She yawned and stretched her arms above her head.

  “You tired?”

  She nodded.

  I ran to my dresser drawer and retrieved boxers and a tee shirt that I knew would go to her knees. She was much shorter than I was. She pulled them on and settled into the bed that looked like it had been through a natural disaster. The covers were strewn everywhere and the pillows lay disarray.

  I thought about turning off the light and leaving her to sleep alone, but I remembered how angry she had gotten when I tried escaping last time, so I turned the lights off and slid into the bed next to her.

  I don’t think either of us really knew what to do next.

  I mean, should we slap each other’s asses and say, “Good job! Can’t wait for the next round?”

  Kidding.

  She was turned away from me on her side, and once her breathing became regular and slow, I knew she was asleep. I could have easily slipped away to spend the rest of the night on the couch. I had never really, in all my years of sleeping with women, slept with one.

  I didn’t know what I was missing, having a small body lying next to you taking up half the bed. Her constant inhale and exhale was oddly relaxing, and I found myself drifting to sleep. Before I completely dozed off, I turned toward her and pulled her against me, wanting to feel her warmth and the softness of her skin against mine. I wanted to breathe in her distinct, sweet smell… It reminded me of marshmallows, which I thought was an odd scent for a perfume, but it worked on her.

  I closed my eyes and prayed that the demons wouldn’t come during the night like they so often did. I just wanted one, completely untainted night. Just one. That bitch called Life owed me at least that much.

  I focused my attention on Ryan’s breathing and the peace it brought me. The last thing I remembered thinking was, Maybe she’s my happy ending, before I let sleep take over.

  It had been a week since I had left Ryan in her office, but the moment my phone rang I knew it was her. There was some invisible string that ran from me to her, there always had been. Even now, ten years later,
it stays there—strong and proud and unwilling to snap.

  “Hello?” I tried to sound calm and collected even if my thoughts were racing and my hands were clammy.

  “Hey Jackson, it’s Ryan.”

  “Right, Ryan. Have you found the photographer?”

  There was silence on her end, and I thought I could hear her shuffling papers around.

  “No.”

  Disappointment coursed through my veins, and I tried not to care. I wasn’t even sure why I was so determined to find out the identity of the guy who took the photo anyway. But why was she calling if she had no news?

  I cleared my throat before asking, “Is there something you needed?”

  Even to my own ears it sounded colder than I intended.

  “Well, I guess I just wanted to call to say sorry. I’m not going to be able to give you a name for the photographer. I really tried, but there’s nothing I can do. They wish to remain anonymous.”

  So she did know who it was. She just wasn’t going to tell me.

  “It’s fine, Ryan,” my voice was softer, “Thank you for trying. If he changes his mind, just give me a call.”

  Another short silence on Ryan’s end clued me in. She wasn’t just calling to send her apologies.

  “Ryan—?”

  “Could we possibly meet up?” The question was rushed.

  “When?” was my answer. What else could possibly be my answer? Of course I would meet up with her. She had a way of pulling me in no matter how hard I fought her gravitational pull.

  “I’m off at five?” It sounded like a question rather than a statement, so I eased her mind.

  “I’ll see you at five. I’ll pick you up and we’ll do dinner?”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay,” I parroted.

  “I’ll see you tonight,” she told me.

  “Can’t wait.”

  We hung up, and I immediately scrambled to make a reservation at the nicest restaurant in New York City. Because Ryan deserved the best. If I couldn’t give her a future, the least I could do was give her a decent dinner date.