Hazed

by Nicole Howard

  Once we had dressed, I cracked open the pint of vodka I had brought and mixed it with lime juice. I downed the sour drink before Maggie even twisted open her first cooler.

  “I thought you were only going to have a few.” She stated, tipping back the glass bottle. I shrugged my shoulders and poured a second drink.

  “I’ll take it fast, and then I’ll take it slow?” I questioned, knocking back the second glass before plugging in my flat iron. My concern wasn’t with the pre-drinks, I could handle those. It was the 2 AM shots that I needed to avoid. Maggie docked her iPod into her speakers and cranked the volume. I moved my head to the beat as I straightened my hair, clipping pieces on the top of my head. “Can you mix me another one?” I asked, zipping open my makeup bag.

  Maggie came into the bathroom with a full glass. “Here you go.” She pulled her hair out of its elastic and pulled the ceramic plate through it. I applied my makeup quickly, completing two more glasses before leaving for the bar.

  The line outside the club was excruciatingly long. Maggie grumbled in disappointment as she turned to walk toward the end of the line. I scanned my surroundings, taking in the colorful line of people, the crowded sidewalk a comfort for me. I missed this life, watching so many people, wide eyed with wonder. I had never grown tired of Tim’s life, being at the hottest clubs and parties, but that life wasn’t one for a mother.

  “Where are you going?” I questioned, as she continued to walk. “The door is this way.” My smile was sly, as I walked confidently toward the door. I knew this world, and I knew how to use my experience to our benefit. Liquid courage added to the high.

  I continued and walked until I met the bouncer’s sightline. “Hey” I slanted my head, running my hand over the arm of his tight black shirt. “I heard this place is awesome, but we’re not waiting in this line. It’s a little breezy.” My dramatic blinks were enhanced by the thick application of mascara back in the hotel room. The gleam of his white teeth was accented by the bright lights in front of the club, as his mouth spread into a grin. He stepped aside to let us in. Maggie grabbed my hand as she followed me through the door.

  “How did you do that?” Her eyes were wide with shock.

  “Easy. Act like you belong and you will.” I was proud of myself. I continued leading Maggie through the crowd of people until we reached the bar. I ordered our drinks and handed the bartender a twenty.

  “Amazing.” She laughed, taking her drink out of my hand. “You’ll have to teach me this skill.”

  I nodded making my way to the center of the dance floor, the crowd parting enough to allow us to walk by. I slipped the straw between my lips and sucked in the cold liquor. The familiarity was scary; one drink was going to have to be my limit out here. I moved my feet to the music, staying in time with Maggie.

  It didn’t take long for me to find my rhythm, drawing in a couple of random guys. I danced with enthusiasm, grinding my hips with a stranger. Maggie giggled as another man wrapped his arm around her waist and moved with her to the music. I handed my empty glass to one of the guys to set down and picked up my pace.

  I danced circles around Maggie and the guys, as our circle grew. “I need another drink,” I announced, signaling Maggie to follow. I grabbed her hand and led her back to the bar. “Do you want another one?”

  “Yes.” She squeezed my hand. “I can’t believe this.” I knew she was utterly and completely shocked. “Who are you?”

  “I just haven’t done this in a while.” I shrugged, “I used to do this all of the time.” No lie there. I had been out almost every night right up until I discovered I was pregnant with Kenzie. The after parties were one of the best parts of touring with the band.

  “How come I didn’t know you then?” she laughed. “I’ve been missing out.”

  I ordered a diet soda, while Maggie picked up the tab before heading back into the sea of people. I concentrated on dancing with Maggie, since the guy I had been dancing with had been a little too grabby for my comfort level. I pushed my hips against Maggie’s, forcing her to find the same rhythm, raising our hands into the air while we moved. I sang along with the music, loving the feel of being on the dance floor. By the end of the night, I was spent, all my energy left puddled on the dance floor. We stumbled out to hail a taxi.

  “Alyse?” A voice called after me. “Is that you?” A brunette was running toward us. I recognized her immediately. Suzie used to hang around with the band; I think she dated one of the stage crew. I panicked, turning away, pretending not the hear her. “Ally?” She caught up to us quickly. “It’s me, Suzie. I haven’t seen you in forever.”

  I fumbled for words. “Do I know you?” It hurt to pretend I didn’t know her. She had always been nice to me, unlike most of the other girls who followed the band. Aside from the drug use, the second unhealthiest part of being with Tim was dealing with the constant jealousy. Not that I could blame them, I would have been jealous if I wasn’t the one in his arms.

  “We used to hang out, a couple of years ago.” She stated bluntly, shoving her hands into her pockets. “You look terrific. Healthy.” My body looked healthier, not just from the lack of drug use but also the weight gain from my pregnancy. Suzie must have picked up on it.

  I didn’t respond with words, although I tried my best to appear utterly confused. I kicked the rocks on the ground gently, propelling them toward the road.

  She persisted, “I used to hang around with the boys. I guess it has been awhile. Maybe you don’t remember me.” Suzie grabbed my forearm. “How are they anyway?”

  “I’m not sure I know who you are talking about,” I replied with an outright lie. I knew exactly who and what she was talking about. Maggie was staring at the slim brunette like she had lost her mind.

  “Tim and Just…” She continued, confident that she knew who I was.

  I cut her off hastily. “I don’t know who you are talking about.”

  “Oh…” She deflated in disappointment. Either she understood I wasn’t going to talk to her about them, or she believed I wasn’t Alyse. “I guess I thought you were someone else.” She turned to walk away from us defeated, adding quietly “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize, Ally.” Her last, sympathetic apology, letting me know she wasn’t buying it.

  I climbed into the nearest taxi. “That was weird,” I stated before Maggie had a chance to pose a question. The past was not going to catch up with me. I had worked too hard for that to happen. I leaned against the window of the cab on the drive back to the hotel, staying conscious enough to hand him a twenty-dollar bill before climbing out of the car. Maggie was disoriented, after a few too many drinks. A fact that I hoped would erase her memory by the morning.

  We managed to make it up to our room, without issue. I pulled off the wedges, using the wall to keep my balance. Maggie stumbled to the docking station and turned on the speakers. “That was too much fun!” She grinned from ear to ear, slipping out of her jeans and into a pair of cotton shorts.

  “It was.” I yawned. “It was nice just to let go for a night.” After pulling a pair of leggings on under my skirt, and removing the denim, I sat down on the bed.

  “We are definitely going to have to do this again.” Maggie flipped through her playlist, finally settling on a track. Tim’s voice filled the room.

  I was too tired to fight it. Closing my eyes, I fell back onto the bed. Between the remaining liquor coursing through my system and exhaustion, I let Tim take over my mind. I could vaguely make out Maggie’s voice, mumbling in the background.

  My eyes locked on Tim. He was watching me move on stage, while I tried to focus on the audition. It was my first and only attempt at obtaining a professional job as a dancer. This audition was for a backup dancer in a music video. The casting call hadn’t revealed who was shooting the video, but I knew the second I heard the song that it was Hazed, and at that moment, I was ruining my chances of getting this job. By the time the music cut and my group had finished, I was ready to pack my bag. If I couldn’t
make it through two minutes on the stage with their lead singer twenty feet away, there was no way I could make it through a shoot. Despite my poor performance, I made the call backs, and after a much better showing, I got the job as one of ten female dancers.

  Fast forward two weeks, to a late night in a hotel ballroom. After learning the choreography, this was the first time the band was going to be working with us. I kept my eyes down as they entered the room, trying to avoid the distraction. It was pointless since two minutes later Tim was paired with me for a section of the video. His voice was deeper than I expected, as he reached out to shake my hand. “Hey, I’m Tim.” I made eye contact with him, only to be polite. My breath caught in my lungs, as my eyes met his remarkable blue ones. Time stood still. Neither of us moved, as his skin touched mine for the first time, shooting fire up my arm.

  Hours later, we were in his hotel room rehearsing. He was struggling to pick up the choreography and given that we were scheduled to start filming the following day, he had asked if I could help him. It took a few times running the dance before I realized his two left feet were only an act. When I called him out on it, he was quick to admit to wanting to spend time with me. I played back his carefree laugh, his perfect white smile, the adorable way he scrunched his nose, and the way he brushed the hair from my face.

  “Ally?” Maggie shouted. “Earth to Ally!” She shouted again, directly into my ear. “Are you asleep?”

  My eyes blinked open. “Sort of.”

  “Okay. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Maggie moved away from my bed and climbed back into hers. “I think I am going to go to sleep now.”

  “Good night,” I replied, turning over and pulling the blankets over my head. I closed my eyes again and fell asleep.

  I felt horrible when I woke up Sunday morning, groggily fighting to open my eyes. Between the late night and the emotional drain, I wanted nothing more than to sleep the day away. “Mags, are you awake?”

  “Yep.” She yawned, “I didn’t sleep very well.” She sat up on the bed, brushing her messy hair back with her hand. “You were quite restless. How are you feeling?”

  “I could feel better.” I pulled the pillow over my face.

  Leaving the hotel was a chore since both of us were useless. After what felt like two hours of repacking and clearing the room, we were finally on the road back home. We were silent most of the drive, Maggie nursing a hangover while I fought with exhaustion.

  We were almost home before Maggie found her voice. The radio had been playing quietly, so low that I barely noticed the sound. Maggie abruptly turned up the volume.

  ‘Friday night, July 10th, live in concert.’ The announcer’s voice boomed. ‘Hazed at the AT&T Center. Tickets available now.’

  Maggie squealed. “Awesome!”

  Luke called Sunday night to see how the trip to Dallas had gone. I left out the majority of the details since I didn’t think we would have appreciated me grinding with other guys, flirting with bouncers, or dreaming of Kenzie’s father. He had been fine with me going to the club with Maggie, not that it would have mattered if he had something to say about it. I had been on my own long enough not to let someone else influence my decisions.

  I still felt horrible, even after a gallon of water and half a dozen Tylenol. I had spent most of the afternoon curled up on the couch, with a blanket and pile of toys to preoccupy Kenzie. Luke offered to come over once Kenzie was in bed, and I happily accepted. I needed to forget last night and get back on track.

  Luke arrived just after eight, with a movie, a coffee and a box of pizza in hand. “I thought you might be able to use some hangover help.” He laughed, passing me the coffee. I wasn’t going to explain why a hangover wasn’t my issue, so I let his assumption stand as he set the pizza on the kitchen table.

  “Thanks. I could definitely use some coffee.” I smiled and kissed his lips quickly.

  “Hmm, and I could definitely use some of you.” Luke kissed my mouth again. We sat on the couch, and I cuddled into his chest to watch the movie. I managed to eat two slices of pizza and finished my coffee before the end. Doing this with Luke felt natural.

  Luke didn’t push for more, which I appreciated. I could handle the kissing and cuddling but wasn’t ready for anything more. What he gave me, was exactly what I needed from him. The rise and fall of his chest were soothing, lulling me to sleep. Luke shifted at the end of the movie, reaching for the remote.

  “Sorry.” I apologized, pushing myself off him. “I guess I’m a little too tired.” A wide mouthed yawn followed, proof of my statement.

  “You can keep sleeping on me if you want.” He rubbed my arm, holding me close to his body. “I was just getting comfortable.”

  “Mm, but I will need to get up with Kenzie at some point,” I replied. The possibility of him staying while I slept was a step I was not ready to take. “And you need to get some rest. We do have to work in the morning.” With what energy I had left, I stood up from the couch and staggered toward the door. He followed.

  “Don’t remind me.” Luke gave me one last kiss before slipping his shoes back on his feet and leaving for the night. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Kenzie’s introduction to Luke happened unintentionally only days later and was much more anticlimactic than I had expected. Luke had come over after Kenzie was supposed to be asleep, but my daughter had other plans. When Luke knocked on the door, I had been working on settling her down for over thirty minutes. It didn’t feel right to send Luke away after he made the trip over, so he joined Kenzie and me for the evening. After playing on the floor with my baby and Luke for an hour, Kenzie finally started rubbing her eyes, thus concluding her first experience with Luke.

  Luke’s evening visits continued a few times a week through the month of June. Usually, we watched a movie or a random series on Netflix. Our nights together became routine. Physically, our relationship remained PG. I never hinted that I wanted more, and Luke never pushed.

  “So, I was thinking…” Luke started, on a Sunday night after watching a couple of episodes of a new series we had started. His fingers were tangled in my hair, and my head was comfortably settled in his lap. “I want to introduce you to my family.” He kept his eyes locked on my face, watching for my reaction.

  I chewed nervously on my lip, contemplating my answer. Was I ready to meet his family? It seemed appropriate, considering we had been dating for a little over two months. I had never really thought about it though because introductions to my family were irrelevant. Luke was close to his family, and he was never shy about letting me know how important they were to him. If we were going to keep dating, this meeting was inevitable. My decision was easy when I thought of it that way.

  “Alright.” My response was delayed. “I would love to.” The smile on his face confirmed that I had made the right decision.

  I spent the next Saturday morning carefully dressing both Kenzie and myself in suitable outfits for our day trip to meet Luke’s parents. Kenzie was relatively easy to dress, she looked adorable in anything. I settled on a light, yellow sundress and white sandals for her. The sandals were pointless, as I knew they would likely be kicked off at some point. I was incredibly nervous as I checked myself over in the mirror, spending extra time to ensure the neckline and length of my dress were appropriate. The pressure to please his parents was huge, after all, they meant the world to Luke. Their opinion mattered to him.

  Luke picked us up and drove the fifteen minutes to his parents’ house. It was a cute, brick bungalow with a hedged-in front yard. I climbed out of the car and turned my attention on unbuckling Kenzie from her car seat. My hands were shaking, so much so that I struggled to release the buckle on her straps. Once I had her out, I held her close for comfort and reassurance that I was making the best decision for us.

  Luke loped ahead of us, opening the door and walking in. “Mom, Dad, we’re here.” He announced, kicking off his shoes. Luke reached for Kenzie, allowing me to slip out of my sandals. Hi
s mother came to the door to greet us.

  “Hello there, little miss.” She cooed at Kenzie, brushing her cheek before reaching out to shake my hand. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, Ally. I’m Alice, Luke’s mother. He’s told me so much about you.”

  “It’s nice to meet you too.”

  “Richard is out back, starting the barbecue.” She informed, gesturing for us to follow her to the back of the house. Luke kept Kenzie in his arms as we made our way outside. His father greeted me with the same enthusiasm as his wife. His parents appeared well matched, both peppered with gray and blond hair and brown eyes. It was easy to see where Luke had gotten his looks. He was the spitting image of his father, only decades younger.

  “What would you like to eat?” Richard questioned, cleaning off the grill. I was indifferent, and having a choice made me uncomfortable. I shot a look over to Luke, hoping that my cry would be recognized.

  “Dad, we’re both good with whatever you’re cooking.” Thank God he picked up what I was putting down. Kenzie was playing on the deck with toy blocks that Alice had brought outside for her. Having a young grandson meant they had some toys lying around the house.

  “So, Ally,” Richard placed the wire brush he had been using down on the railing of the wooden deck. “Where does your family live? Luke had mentioned you didn’t have family around here.” Luke closed his eyes, regretting that he hadn’t elaborated to his parents.

  “Um… I don’t have any family.” I sat down to play with Kenzie, shifting a block in my palm. “Any that are still living anyway.” I met Luke’s apologetic glance.

  “Oh.” Richard busied his hands, placing the hamburgers that Alice had brought him onto the grill. “What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.” He quickly flipped the burgers.

  I took in a deep breath. “Ah, my, um… My dad passed away when I was little. I think I was five or six. He died in an accident.” I wasn’t lying, just bending the truth. It was an accident of sorts. I doubted he had ever planned for it to happen. Life was just easier if they assumed it was a car crash, rather than know it was a drug deal gone wrong. That coupled with my history would be enough for any parent to discourage our relationship. I know I wouldn’t want that for Kenzie, so I could guarantee Luke’s parents wouldn’t want it either. “And my mother…” I choked on my words, swallowing the raw emotions that were fighting for release, while I tried to decide how to shape her story.