Hazed

by Nicole Howard

  For so many years I had avoided speaking about both of their deaths. In my mind car crashes and critical illnesses were easier to imagine, anything other than my actual truth. I knew that their decisions were just that, their decisions, but I was the one dealing with the consequences. The only other person who knew the entire story was Tim. Tim understood my story; he was aware of every gory detail. He knew the fear I had of following in their footsteps. I would never trust anyone else with these parts of me, but I needed to give Luke some honesty. “My mother committed suicide when I was seventeen.” That was as much truth as I could afford.

  At that point, I knew Luke’s father regretted every asking the question. I also knew he felt helpless. A typical reaction in my opinion, but I didn’t need nor deserve anyone’s sympathy. When I looked over to Luke, his face was blank.

  “I’m sorry to hear.” Richard flipped the burgers again. “How old are you now?”

  I continued to rearrange the colored blocks on the deck, allowing Kenzie to knock them over, to only then rebuild them for her. “I’m twenty-two. It’s was quite awhile ago, and I’ve moved on. I don’t feel bad for my parents. They lived their lives how they wanted.” I bit my bottom lip, hard.

  “You’re so young.” Alice entered the conversation, setting a pitcher of lemonade on the table. I immediately regretted talking about my parents. That reaction was one of the reasons I kept my past to myself. People tended to look at you differently after they had discovered your life had been rocky; that you had to grow up too young. Why couldn’t people ever realize that my situation wasn’t the worst one out there? Why couldn’t they see that I was okay? I made my own decisions too, and it wasn’t worth it to go back to analyze them.

  Luke finally cut into the conversation, halting the defensive position I was building. “My younger woman.” He laughed, sitting down beside me, stealing a few blocks from the formation, juggling them in his hands. “I feel like I’m robbing the cradle.”

  Luke was only twenty-seven. I didn’t feel that I was too young for him especially as a single mother. In high school, I had always dated guys that were four and five years older than me. Tim was the only person I had ever been with who was relatively close to my age.

  “Ha, Ha.” I retorted sarcastically. “You’re such an old man.” I threw one of the blocks lightly at his chest.

  “Oh, now you’ve done it.” He pushed himself to his feet, grabbing a few more blocks, tucking them into his palm, turning toward me. I knew I needed to run before he started pelting me with the blocks.

  I bolted to my feet and took off running, leaping from the stairs, hitting the grass. I ducked under the first block Luke tossed, keeping my pace as I ran across the yard. My bare feet made it easier to move quickly. I jumped over his second attempt and dodged his third. He was now empty handed but continued the chase. I swerved and used the little trees in the yard as brief shelter, giving me only enough time to choose another direction. After a couple of tries, Luke had me, wrapped tightly in his arms. I continued to fight, attempting to free myself.

  “Gotcha.” His smile lit up his face. His head lowered, as he pressed his mouth to mine. For a second I forgot where we were, standing on the tips of my toes, wrapping my arms around his neck. His tongue slipped past my lips as I tightened my grip, tangling the ends of his hair between my fingers.

  His father cleared his throat from across the yard. “Supper is ready,” Richard added with a loud chuckle. “If you want to eat that is.” Luke slowly pulled away, and my cheeks reddened.

  The remainder of dinner was uneventful, Luke’s parents switched gears and kept the conversation safe, focusing mainly on Kenzie and work. His parents were a perfect couple. You could sense the love they had for each other, living in their own world, a world meant for two.

  The visit with Luke’s parents left me jealous, yet hopeful. They were a couple that were succeeding, after building and raising a family, they were still happy. I knew Luke had no idea how lucky he was to have what he had, and I knew that I wanted it too. I invited Luke to stay when we reached my apartment. Without hesitation, he accepted. It felt natural, the way he helped unpack Kenzie’s diaper bag before tidying the living room while I dressed her for bed. I kissed Kenzie’s cheek as I laid her down in the crib, before joining Luke on the couch.

  “So, what do you think?” Luke asked, slipping his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his body. I swung my legs up to stretch over the length of the couch.

  “Your parents are amazing.” I titled my head back to kiss his lips. “I’m really happy you decided to introduce me.” His arm lowered, wrapping over my stomach.

  “They like you.” He beamed, letting his hand roam. I kept my head tilted, watching the changes in his face. He was grinding his jaw, something he did when he was thinking. “I didn’t know how your parents died.”

  My stomach dropped. Why did we have to go back to this again? “I don’t like to talk about it.”

  “I know.” He acknowledged. “But I don’t know that much about your childhood, and I want to know everything about you.” Luke wasn’t dropping the subject. I could respect him wanting to know more, but I wasn’t a girl who wanted to share.

  “There really isn’t much to know.” My mouth was dry. “Who I am now, is who I will be. Isn’t that enough?” The last thing I wanted was to show Luke my past. I buried it for a reason. This relationship was still new. There was no way it could handle the shit storm I could drive it through.

  “Al…” He pleaded. “Come on, just tell me something. Anything.” The desperation in his voice was evident.

  I bit my lip while contemplating my options. After two months, Luke remained in the dark when it came to who I was. He only knew the pieces of me that I let him see, and now Luke wasn’t going to let me hide anymore. What information would do the least amount of damage?

  “Okay.” I hesitated, buying more time to gather my thoughts. “Luke, this isn’t easy.” My body stiffened as fear set in. “My father was a drug dealer. He was killed in a bust. They came and raided our house, well our shabby little apartment.” I shifted further away from Luke, before continuing. “I was still in the apartment when everything happened. Their informant wasn’t bright enough to let them know there was a child in the home.” My body shook at the memory. “I can’t say my mom was much better. After years of dealing with her highs and lows, I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved out and lived with a friend. She committed suicide three weeks after I left.”

  “What?” Luke’s expression was blank.

  “Let me continue. I might as well get it all out.” The damn had been broken, my confessions kept coming. He nodded his head and sat straight up. “I struggled with drugs for a long time. Until I found out I was pregnant with Kenzie.” I took a shallow breath before my final admission. “I’m a recovering cocaine addict.”

  The truth was out there, and he could do with it what he wished. I waited for his response but was disappointed. He stared at me, speechless. His eyes were void of any emotion. I stared down at my hands, second guessing my confession. I would have been better off keeping my mouth shut, letting the past remain where it should. His reaction confirmed that my decision to keep quiet about Tim was the right one.

  Time continued to pass as Luke sat motionless. I wanted to ask him a question, anything to get a sense of what was going through his mind.

  Luke finally found his voice, after absorbing every word I had said. “I didn’t know.” He leaned closer. “I’m glad you told me. I would have never thought you were so lost before.” His words were vicious. My lungs burned as I tried to take in enough oxygen.

  “Your life never has to be like that again.” He reassured me, taking both of my hands in his. Luke closed the space between us and kissed my lips. His weight pushed me down onto my back, shifting himself to cover my body. The intensity of his kiss increased as he slid a hand under the hem of my dress. The warm sensation of his skin on mine sparked my libido, and before I knew
it, I was grabbing at his shirt, fighting with the buttons, opening it to expose his muscular chest. He shrugged off the shirt and returned to my dress, sliding it up my body and over my head. His bare chest pressed against my skin. “Oh god, Luke.” I shifted under him feeling him harden against my leg. His lips devoured mine, as he ground against me. I lifted my hips, providing better access, as Luke reached behind me to flip open the clasp of my bra. When the straps slid down my arms, I started to panic.

  “Luke.” I freaked, something was wrong. Taking things further just didn’t feel right. “Stop.”

  Luke pulled off me immediately. “What’s wrong?” Concern laced his voice, his confusion was undisguised.

  “I can’t do this.” I held my unclasped bra tightly against my skin while searching the floor for my dress. I tossed him his shirt. “I’m just not there yet.” He reached behind me and re-clasped my bra. I sighed as I slipped my dress back over my head.

  “It’s okay.” He fumbled with his shirt, slipping one arm through, then the other. He left it unbuttoned. “Whenever you are ready. There’s no rush.” His words said one thing, though I could detect the disappointment in his tone.

  “I will be…” I pulled my dress down my legs, straightening the hem nervously. “Just not right now.”

  My internal battle raged. Would I ever be ready? I had been willing, and turned on, but couldn’t go through with it. His touch wasn’t right, his heart didn’t beat right, and his scent didn’t smell right. Despite the fact I couldn’t find a single reason not to be with Luke, something would always be missing. I just had to find a way to let myself go.

  Chapter 5

  Breathless

  Kenzie’s birthday fell on a gorgeous Saturday. The sun was shining through my living room, as I taped the final streamers and balloons to the walls. The room was a tacky display of pink and purple. Maybe a little too much for a one-year-old, but she was the most important person in my life, and I was determined to make this day amazing.

  Luke was in the kitchen, emptying bags of potato chips into plastic bowls. He had become a permanent fixture over the past couple of weeks. My boyfriend had gone overboard, buying Kenzie every age appropriate toy imaginable. Luke was impatiently waiting for the moment Kenzie could tear open her gifts so he could finally assemble every plastic piece.

  It wouldn’t be much longer before Kenzie’s guests began to arrive. The guest list included Maggie, Sarah, and all of Luke’s family. Julie and her boyfriend were the first to arrive, carrying an armful of gift bags. Luke’s entire family was riding the overboard train right along with him.

  “Happy Birthday!” Julie exclaimed, picking my beautiful daughter up off the floor. Kenzie was dressed to the nines in a poufy pink dress with new white sandals. I had managed to pull her thin, short hair into a pink clip at the top of her head. Julie played with her while the other guests arrived.

  Once everyone was finally in the apartment, my kitchen table was overloaded with gift bags and wrapped presents, way too many for one little girl. I was beginning to worry about where I would fit everything. The toy box in her room was already overflowing with toys since Luke felt it was his job to buy her a new toy at least once a week.

  Luke had offered to make the meal for Kenzie’s party, and I immediately took him up on the offer. He was by far the better cook out of the two of us, and over the past few weeks, he had proved himself more than worthy of the credit. Luke worked away in the kitchen while I chatted with our guests and attempted to fill drink orders.

  “Come here my adorable one-year-old!” Alice exclaimed, pulling Kenzie up into her lap. “You are just as beautiful as your mother.” She complimented, playing carelessly with the small tuft of hair standing straight up on top of her head.

  “Oh, Alice.” I blushed, “She is so much more.” She was. With each day that passed, she looked more and more like her father. Anyone who knew Tim would have no issues connecting the dots if they ever laid eyes on Kenzie.

  “She must look like her father,” Sarah stated, squinting at Kenzie’s face. She must have read my mind. I was glad Luke had been out of earshot. “She does look like you, but her hair and eyes are different.”

  “Um, yeah, maybe,” I replied, ending the conversation. “How is the food coming?” my voice raised so Luke could hear. I stood up to help him finish up.

  We set the food out on the counters and signaled for our guests to help themselves. It was mass chaos as everyone filled their plates in my small kitchen. Everyone was cozy as they found places to eat their meals. Luke sat at the kitchen table, pushing several of the gifts aside to set down his plate. I set Kenzie in her highchair and pulled it over to the table. Luke pulled me down onto his lap. He let one arm wrap around my waist and used the other to eat his food. I sighed in contentment, leaning back into his chest.

  Our relationship was progressing even though I still hadn’t given him all of me. He was careful to move slowly, waiting for my permission with every new step. Having his arms wrapped around me was becoming as natural as breathing.

  It didn’t take long for the empty plates to pile up on the counter. I was excited to watch my Kenzie blow out her lone candle. So much had changed over the past year. I could never have imagined being surrounded by so many people that I cared deeply about a year ago.

  The day that Kenzie was born, I had been laying in bed, listening to Tim’s voice on my privately made CD. I had spent most of my pregnancy playing the CD he had made for me a few months before I left. When my contractions started, I was too distracted to even clue in to what was happening. It wasn’t until I felt water gushing onto the bed that I realized the pain was not heart break. Fortunately, by that time I had already met Maggie, and she drove me to the hospital, waiting outside the labor and delivery room. I wasn’t entirely alone.

  The doctor attempted to keep me calm as I pushed with my might. The pain was excruciating, unbearable, and the only thing that I wanted was Tim. He would have made everything better. He would have been there to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be alright. I was more alone giving birth to Kenzie than I had ever been. The doctors were very impatient, which only flamed my fear.

  In those moments, I regretted leaving Tim. Right then and there I needed him, and only him. My mom, my dad, they could have been there, and it wouldn’t have mattered. I needed him, and I had no way to let him know how badly. Then I heard Kenzie cry and saw her innocent face for the first time. Her healthy lungs and complexion were the assurance I needed that walking away was the right choice. Leaving Tim meant I left the drug, and that was worth it. I held her in my arms, not willing to ever let go. I may have left my mother, I may have left Tim, but I knew in that instant that I would never, ever leave her. Naming her was simple. Tim loved the name McKenzie, so I shortened it. Her name fit her perfectly.

  “Al, time for cake.” Luke’s voice brought me back. I smiled at him and made my way to my bedroom to retrieve the hidden cake. He followed me, catching my arms with his hands, shutting the door behind us. “You are incredible.” Luke kissed my lips. “I just wanted to take a minute to let you know.”

  I hummed kissing him back. “Thank you so much for making this day such a success.” I traced his jawline. He let me go, and took the cover off the cake, carefully lighting the single candle. As we walked into the living room, I started singing Happy Birthday to Kenzie, and everyone joined in.

  Kenzie’s eyes were bright as the flame flickered in her blue pools. I helped her blow out the candle, making a wish for her. A wish that was nearly impossible for the Gods to fulfill. Cameras flashed, capturing this monumental event in Kenzie’s life.

  Kenzie’s face was covered with icing by the time had demolished her very first piece of cake. Luke handed me a wash cloth, and I gently wiped every last smear of white and pink paste from her plump cheeks. Luke’s grin was as wide as mine, both of us filled with pride and love over my little one-year old.

  The gift opening process was a complete disa
ster. Kenzie had lost interest after only two gifts, and Luke and I finished opening the others. The pile of toys and clothing was huge, more than I could have ever anticipated. As I expected, Luke was on the floor opening box after box, assembling the toys. Kenzie had busied herself with a doll and stroller that Maggie had given her. She was completely oblivious to everything else in the room. People started the trickle out shortly after the gifts were opened.

  By seven, my apartment was empty apart from Luke. I started to pick up excess wrapping paper, cups, and other random trash. “Why don’t you go bath Kenzie and put her to bed?” Luke suggested, joining me in the living room. “I will finish cleaning up.”

  “Are you sure?” I questioned, feeling guilty for all he had already done for us. “I can bath her after they’re finished.”

  “Go.” He chuckled, “She is probably beat.” I couldn’t argue with him; she was exhausted. I picked her up and carried her into the bathroom.

  Kenzie’s bath time was the first chance I had to process the day. While she splashed around in the tub, my thoughts were on how the day could have gone. Would Tim look at Kenzie with complete love and adoration? Would he have assembled her toys? Would he be tidying the house while I was in here bathing her? Realization hit hard. I was replacing Tim with Luke, allowing Luke to act like Kenzie’s daddy without giving her father a chance to take on the role. No matter how much time passed, I would never know if I made the right choice. I could make a thousand arguments for both sides and would never have one hand that outweighed the other.