Everything She Ever Wanted: A Different Kind of Love Novel

by Liz Durano

  How a woman can inflame me like she does, making me want to risk everything, I have no idea. All I know is that I want Harlow James—if that is even her name—though I’m beyond caring. She could be Thelma and Louise all rolled into one, on the run with a gun and a damn good story that I’m falling hard for.

  But right now, I don’t care about the details. The only details that matter are the feel of her body against mine, the taste of her mouth on my tongue and the feeling of being inside her. I push her onto her back and kiss her neck, running my tongue along the skin between her neck and shoulders. She digs her fingers into the skin of my back as I keep going, kissing her breasts and sucking on her nipple, one and then the other. I move lower, raking my fingers along the skin of her back as I kiss her belly, running my tongue along the horizontal scar just above her mound.

  I reach for the condom packet from the bedside table, ripping it open with my teeth. Harlow sits up just as I start rolling it on my cock and brings her hands over mine.

  “May I? It’s part of my research, too.”

  I gently pull my hands away, allowing her to take over as she does the honors with surgical precision as my cock throbs in front of her. Fuck, but she’s going to be the death of me.

  “You did have more than one of these, right? Because you’re going to need more than one,” she teases as I push her down on the bed and position my cock at her entrance. I can feel her so wet, the feel of her so exquisite.

  “I have more than one, alright,” I chuckle. “I’ve got a whole box.”

  Capturing her lips in a deep kiss, I bury myself inside her, feeling her nails raking my back. I feel her walls squeeze around me, adjusting to me. The sensations that hit me send me gasping for breath.

  Her moans fill the room, her head arched back as she cries out my name. I move my hips, feeling her walls wrap around my cock, and I know I can’t speak anymore. I let my actions tell her what I want her to know, that she’s beautiful and amazing, and that’s perfect just the way she is no matter what the ghosts inside her head tell her.

  There’s nothing else in this world I want to do but make her happy and if it’s another box of condoms and a whole lot of chafing in the morning, then so be it. But I also know that this is not just about the sex. There’s something else, but I’m not about to say it out loud. Not yet.

  But as I look into Harlow’s brown eyes, there’s one thing I can no longer deny. I’m more lost than I’ve ever been before. It’s a feeling that’s calmed only by the touch of her fingers on my face as we both come together, and the taste of her lips on mine when she breathes my name.

  Chapter 15

  Harlow

  There, I’ve done it. Technically, I’ve just had my first extramarital affair! I am still married, after all, although, at this moment, I don’t care. If I were honest, what I really want to say is, I don’t give a flying fuck if I had an affair or not.

  I liked it. Who am I kidding? I loved it.

  And when Dax made love to me the second and third times last night, I loved it even more. I think I’m addicted to it. To dick. Dax’s dick. Oh, great. I’m even saying it—dick.

  My mind is racing. My body is numb. Or maybe not so numb. Sore. Especially down there. Chafed is probably a better word. But who wouldn’t get chafed if you’ve been going at it all night and after a break to have an early morning dinner that was really breakfast, you were at it again? Do women have this problem? Maybe they do; it’s not like my research extends to what other women feel, although I did research positions and blowjobs, specifically, how to give the best, mind-blowing blowjob. Thank you, Cosmo.

  Even my lips are numb as are my forearms. Who knew my forearms would need work? Maybe it’s technique? Or maybe it’s because, before Dax, I’ve never given anyone a blowjob before? Jeff surely didn’t want one, not from me—something about him not wanting to see me doing “such a thing” because I was better than that, whatever that meant. Of course, I bought it then and thought myself pretty damn special, so special that he couldn’t see me going down on him, which gave him the perfect excuse not to go down on me at all. But that was before I overheard the nurses talk about how Leilani gave him blowjobs that she’d boasted about it at a party one of the nurse practitioners attended. That’s how their affair had started, her giving him blowjobs in his office when he’d stay late, supposedly writing his patient notes. Sure.

  My mind is a jumble of thoughts and questions that it feels like a full-blown conference in there. All the observations are about my body and how I’m feeling. It’s as if I’m back in my body again after being out of it for so long, always in my head analyzing everything until there’s nothing left to analyze.

  But I’m back, even though I don’t recall a time when I was ever in my body, to begin with. I’d always been the foster kid who moved from school to school, burying her nose in books in the hopes that one day, she wouldn’t need anyone to want her and eventually adopt her. She wouldn’t end up in households that didn’t deserve having a single kid under its roof. She’d be an island, doing well if not better, all by herself.

  Well, you did become an island, Harlow. You alienated everyone with your damn brilliance, and here you are, all alone.

  I force myself back to the present, back in the bed that I’m sharing with Dax. He’s still asleep and totally worn out, poor kid. I hate calling him a kid but that’s what he is. I don’t even know how old he is, but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t seen thirty, which means he’s more than ten years my junior. He must think me starved for sex, like a cougar on the hunt for her next victim.

  But Dax would be right to think it. I haven’t had sex since before I got pregnant with Marcus, which means I’m pushing almost two years. Jeff and I had stopped having sex because of the stress from the fertility treatments, and probably because IVF made it easy for us not to bother trying. He ejaculated into a cup while my eggs matured in a lab and from there, some equipment did the rest. Coupled with my current schedule then—surgeries and conferences—it proved the perfect combination to kill anyone’s sex drive including mine. I still remember the exact time it happened, too, although this one had nothing to do with stress, and I told myself I’d never ask for it again.

  That night, I was standing by the door of his office in our Upper East Side apartment, dressed in a sexy get-up supposedly guaranteed to turn on any man—or woman, for that matter. But apparently, no one had told Jeff. He’d been working on something on his laptop, his headphones on when he finally looked up after I stood there for almost two minutes, feeling more uncomfortable with each passing second.

  Frisky, eh? He’d asked, raising his eyebrows and laughing, amused.

  The words stung, but I persevered. I was so horny that I didn’t care if his little dick was going to please me even though what I had wanted most of all was to feel sexy again. To feel like a woman. I wanted him to want me, not because we needed to get pregnant, but just for me, as a woman.

  I was just thinking, maybe you and me—

  Come on, Harlow. You’re better than that. You’re my wife, not some two-bit whore. Now take that thing off and let’s pretend this fucking thing didn’t happen. If you want us to do it, pick a better time. And then Jeff chuckled, shaking his head before returning to whatever it was he was watching on his laptop.

  Up until then, I’d thought he was working on a new research paper, but he wasn’t. The reflection on his reading glasses of some woman in the middle of a three-way told me exactly what was more important to him that night, and every night after that. But I wasn’t about to stoop to his level and address that then, not after I’d just been rebuffed like, well, some two-bit whore whose time had long been up.

  Two years later that laugh still taunts me whenever I feel ugly. But at the same time, I should have known how much he hated me then, and how, after getting used to hearing me described as Dr. Gardner’s wife, he suddenly found himself answering to Dr. James’ husband.

  I want a wife and mother to my kid
s, Harlow, he told me after one more person described him as Dr. James’ husband at a conference where we were both speakers, not someone who’s going to be in competition for every damn achievement.

  I should have stayed home like Jeff wanted. I should have cut back on my hours and taken better care of myself, getting my body ready to carry another fetus to term instead of always thinking I could do it all—a wife, a mother, and a surgeon.

  But what good would all that wishing do me now? I don’t want to be Jeff’s wife. Sure, the day someone served me my divorce papers in front of my patients ranks up there as one of the most humiliating days of my life, but so did the night Jeff laughed at me. After that night, I didn’t want to be his wife or his partner, someone he apparently detested but stayed with because it would have looked bad on his reputation. Our reputation. We had been a team, and that’s why I had stayed, too—until suddenly we weren’t a team at all. Holding little Marcus in my arms alone in that hospital suite months later finally hammered that message through my stubborn head. Jeff couldn’t even hold his stillborn son.

  I get up from the bed and slip on a robe. Why can’t the memories leave me alone? I want this moment to be about Dax, damn it, not Jeff. I walk out to the living room, remnants of our meal still on the table from the food Anita had packed in the cooler. Tamales for him and some locally made Greek salad for me. I’d been too nervous to eat a full meal, not when all I wanted to do was jump him on any surface that could hold us. We even watched the sunrise from the patio before hurrying back inside the master bedroom and making love again till he complained that Little D—who in reality is not little at all—needed a break. He also needed sleep.

  I can’t help but smile. Everything about Dax represents youth and happiness, something I desperately need right now. Ever since staying at the Pearl, today was the first time I watched the sunrise with a real smile on my face. It felt as if the sun was cleansing me of every regret I’d long held close to me like armor.

  So, right now, I’ll take what I can get. In two weeks, my life will be back to normal. Even with the divorce settlement delayed, Jeff will probably still have some ceremony in our Hamptons home because he can, permission I had granted through Frank over a bad connection while stopping in Houston to get my first taste of crawfish. I didn’t care then if he got married on our lawn, but I sure as heck care now.

  Being with Dax has awoken something inside me, and at times, it’s scary. It has me feeling like a brand new person, someone I barely know yet want to know. After being emotionally numb for so long, I feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before, and now I can’t help feeling selfish. I want everything that had once belonged to me returned to me.

  Except for Jeff. Leilani can keep him.

  *

  I spot the messages on my phone a few minutes later. Two are from Kathy letting me know that she needs me to review a few patient files on the secure server. She also adds that I need to RSVP to Penny’s party and that I should check my emails since the invitation had yet to be opened. The other two are from Penny’s father, Senator Leon Kingston, asking me to call him back as soon as I get his messages. He answers on the second ring.

  “Hello, Senator, it’s me, Dr. James.”

  “What’s this I hear about you being out of town? Kathy told me you’re in, what, Taos? In New Mexico?”

  “Yes, it is, and it’s beautiful out here.”

  Senator Kingston chuckles. “I don’t mean to pry, but after Kathy told me where you were, it made my little girl nervous. She’s afraid you’re not coming back to New York at all. She had to look up where Taos was.”

  “And I hope she found it. Many people think the state is still part of Mexico.”

  He laughs. “No, she knows her geography quite well. She’s kept all the postcards you’ve sent her, although she told me the last one she got was from Albuquerque a month ago.”

  I sigh. Has it really been more than a month since I first stayed in Albuquerque and saw Andrea’s patients at no cost? It had felt so good to return to my roots, consulting with patients who needed me the most but who wouldn’t have been able to afford my rates. There’s a reason why I’m Penny Kingston’s doctor and why her father has the direct line to my cell phone. I’ve also become a boutique surgeon of sorts, hand-picked by the rich and famous to perform the required surgeries or consultations whenever I’m in the Hamptons with no worries about insurance co-payments and deductions. Seeing patients at Andrea’s community clinic almost seemed like a penance, and maybe that’s why she finally suggested I needed to see the rest of the state and find my joy.

  You can’t see patients for free forever, Harlow. Just because you’re doing good here doesn’t change the fact that you’re still running away from something—and I’m afraid it’s from yourself.

  “Please tell her not to worry. I’ll be there.” But even as I say the words, I know that if I were to drive back, I need to start getting ready to leave. Instead, what am I doing but thinking of the young man asleep on the bed behind me and wondering when I can be with him again.

  “I can send a plane for you if you want. I think there’s a municipal airport in Taos, and if not there, definitely Santa Fe. We fly there a few times a year,” he says before pausing. “But that’s not the only reason I needed to talk to you. I also have an offer for you.”

  “An offer?”

  “I know you never talk about what happened at Miller General, and it’s something I commend you for, but one of my buddies mentioned a position that could be perfect for you. In fact, when they heard your name, they were very excited.”

  “What position is that?”

  “Director of the Pediatric Transplant Surgery in New Haven Hospital,” he replies. “Apparently, they’re looking for someone to succeed the current Director, and while talking about Penny’s condition, of course, your name came up.”

  “Wow,” is all I can say for a few seconds. “But I haven’t applied for anything.”

  “Well, now you have a reason to,” the senator says. “It’s yours if you want it, and I know firsthand just how qualified you are for the position, and the people at New Haven do, too. They just need you to let them know that you’re interested, and the position is yours, but you only have about two weeks to let them know and after that, it will take about six months to get you settled.”

  That would mean I’d need to move to Connecticut, which isn’t such a bad thing. It’s not that far from New York at all. I can even start over. I swallow, my throat suddenly dry. Then why am I not saying anything yet? Why haven’t I asked him the contact information?

  “I know it’s a shock, but think about it. I’ll have my assistant send you the details,” he adds. “New Haven’s not far at all, and you’ll still be Penny’s personal doctor-surgeon, as she calls you.”

  “Thank you, Senator,” I manage to say, my voice emerging as a croak. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “Oh, but I want to. You gave my daughter a new lease on life. Soon, she’ll be running outside with her friends, and her life will be back to normal again. You have no idea just how much you’ve made her and us so happy. In fact, my daughter misses you more than you know.”

  “I miss her, too, but you have to remember that I’m only her transplant surgeon. Dr. Rowe is her transplant physician.”

  I hear Senator Kingston exhale on the other line. “Yes, but you were the first person she saw after her surgery. You stayed with her all night when I thought my wife was at the hospital all that time, but she’d gone home. Remember that? You have no idea how much that means to me.”

  Of course, I remember. I couldn’t come home to our empty East Side apartment then knowing there was still a nursery that needed to be emptied. Our housekeeper didn’t want to accept anything I wanted to give away, telling me that anything I had purchased for Marcus was jinxed. She was superstitious and morbid. I chose to sleep by Penny’s bedside for reasons that were more for my own than for Penny. She gave me a reason not to come home
, not when it was no longer a home, just another expensive space enclosed by four walls with a view of Central Park.

  “I just did what any other doctor would have done, Senator,” I murmur, hearing movement in the bedroom. “Sorry, but I have to go. I’ll call you in a few days and touch base about Penny’s birthday party. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Please give her a hug for me.”

  I hang up just as Dax walks out of the bedroom, already dressed in his jeans and the shirt he wore yesterday. He’s even wearing his boots. “Wow, you’re up and dressed. And here I was thinking we’d do another round.”

  “Maybe later,” he says, chuckling. “You tired me out, you wild woman, you.”

  “So, is that why you’re itching to get away from me before I get my claws on you again?”

  Dax comes up to me and kisses the tip of my nose. “No, but Nana is worried about me. I didn’t come home last night, you see, and neither did I let her know that I was staying over.” He pauses as I make a worried face before continuing. “Benny texted me and said he and Sarah kept her company in the living room watching some Mexican soap opera till four in the morning. She said she couldn’t sleep because she’d drank coffee too late, but they suspect she was waiting up for me. Benny says he now has a greater appreciation for Mexican telenovelas.”

  “I had no idea you had a curfew, Dax.”

  “I didn’t either. But it’s my fault. I didn’t let her know that I was staying over. As far as she knows, I’m only supposed to stay here during the day.”

  “So what are you going to tell her?”

  He shrugs. “The truth.”

  “That you’re sleeping with your guest?”

  “That I’m staying over,” he replies matter-of-factly. “You said so yourself. The Pearl has six rooms, three bathrooms, and…”

  “Alright, alright, you made your point,” I say, laughing as Dax continues enumerating the features of the Pearl playfully, his voice lowering as he nuzzles his face against mine. “Funny that even with all those features, you still ended up in the one room that happened to be occupied.”