Walls of Ash

by Amber Newberry

  “Bernadine makes me laugh with her strange accent, but Camilla has disguised her Cornish roots and speaks so that you would not know she had the same accent. Bernadine says that Camilla ‘puts on airs’ and that is why she is more fit to fasten gowns and fix my hair. She makes me laugh with her silly country expressions. I take comfort in knowing that she is my friend, and James does not seem to mind that I spend time with her, though I was told by Charles’s new wife, Emmaline that it is not proper to associate with ‘the help’ as she so bluntly put it.”

  I giggled aloud remembering the look on my Aunt’s face when I walked with Fleur to the stable so long ago. Apparently my mother also had an aversion to Aunt Emmaline, they would have been near the same age, though my mother married my father before Emmaline met and married Uncle Charles.

  “I should not make fun, Emmaline has only just come to live at Rhineholt, and I should really make an effort to befriend her. I’m certain she must feel as out of place as I do in this house. English life is so different from the simple days at the convent. The sisters would tell me to put my faith in God and that my fear is born of my being detached from Him. Celia exposed me to so many new thoughts and ideas that I question whether my faith has been misplaced.

  Rhineholt is a dark and mysterious house. I have developed a fear of being alone in some of the rooms here. The portraits that hang in the Long Hall seem to have eyes that follow me everywhere. James has insisted that we have a portrait done to be hung with the rest of his family. There was a small one done when we had our wedding holiday in Paris, I keep it in our room and James laughs at me for it. He says that I can see him whenever I want, now that we are married. He makes me smile when he talks this way, but I feel separated from him since we arrived here.

  I awoke one night to find that he got up and left me alone in our room. I did not go and look for him and when I heard voices in the hallway, I thought it was his voice, but when I opened the door slightly to see who it was, there was no one. This house is so dark in the night, and I forgot to take my candle when I crept to the door to look out. James told me that when I hear things, it is usually just the maids talking in the next room or downstairs, but in the middle of the night? Where did he go?”

  This was the end of her first entry. My mother was frightened by Rhineholt. She certainly was right about the sounds that echoed through that house. I would often hear noises in the middle of the night, and I thought of when I heard Hilda’s voice speaking German with a man just outside my bedroom door. If only I could remember what was said now that it was a language I understood. Reading on, I saw that her next entry was from much later.

  “Lord Hilbourne’s wife has finally passed. She was frail for such a long time after their son Julian was born. I used to go to her often during her pregnancy, when Celia was visiting when I first arrived here. I hoped she would recover, she was a peaceful person. She was the one who recommended Camilla to me, and she said that Camilla and Bernadine’s family was in the service of the Hilbournes for many years.

  I had a letter from Celia today and she has agreed to spend the summer here. I am beyond delighted at the prospect of her coming. I wrote to tell her that I was uneasy but her father has been ill and she could not leave him. Now that he has recovered, she can come and stay with me for a time.”

  I did not realize that Julian’s mother was sick for so long, and I was hurt for him, knowing what grief he must have felt being so young and without a mother. I knew that kind of pain. Perhaps I shared more with him than just the fact that he was a worthy opponent for a match of wits.

  Again there was a large gap in the entries, this time spanning over a year, and I thought how bad she was at keeping a journal. There were a few missing pages, but not enough to cover an entire year. I wondered if I would be much better at recording events on a daily basis.

  “Celia has accepted a marriage proposal from Lord Hilbourne! It has been just under a year since his wife’s passing, and I believe that he was lonely since her death. He is a good man, and Celia seems so much in love with him. They see no reason to wait and will be wed in the village’s parish before the month is out. Celia has admitted to me that she is already with child. The news was shocking, of course, but Lord Hilbourne insisted that he would marry her so that the child would not be illegitimate. He has an heir from his first wife, I suppose that a second marriage, even if it is in these circumstances, is less ceremonious. It is for the best, and they do seem to be so happy.”

  Leo, I thought. I was surprised that Celia read that and allowed me to see it, but she must know that her secret is safe with me, always. It doesn’t matter, anyone can see how in love she is with Reginald even after all of this time.

  “I do not see her as often as I would like. She has asked me to go and stay with her at Hilbourne during her last few weeks of pregnancy. She is certain it will be a boy, at least she hopes it will be. Her stepson, Julian, is apparently a handful. I think he is a sweet boy, but he does not seem to get along too well with Celia. Perhaps a little brother might make him want to be more responsible.”

  There were several ripped out pages. My first thought was that Celia might have taken them, but if there was anything that she really wanted to hide, she would’ve hidden the fact that Leo was conceived out of wedlock. The next entry skipped ahead several years, and I was certain that something important was written on the pages between.

  “We have such wonderful news. I complained of a stomach illness and the Doctor says that I am with child. Dear James, he was over joyed at the prospect of having an heir to carry on the Rhineholt name. He has been with me constantly since we got the news, as though he wanted to be near me to protect me and our child. Bernadine has told me of a nurse who is also a midwife who will come and see me through the pregnancy. James has been so good. He has not gone away to London on business, he refuses to go while I am in my current condition.”

  So my mother was finally beginning to settle into life at Rhineholt.

  “I have decided on names for the child. Celia and I have found two that James has agreed would be suitable. If it is a boy, he shall be called ‘Thomas’ for James’ father. This was Charles’s idea. If it is a girl she shall be ‘Tamsin’ which Bernadine told me is the Cornish feminine of Thomas. What a good idea!”

  There was another gap in the entries. I figured that must have meant that my mother was happy during this time since so many of her entries were only important events or when she was frightened or worried.

  “It will not be long before the child arrives. I have been confined to my bed for a week, and I am certain it is a girl. James wanted a boy, but he swears he will be happy either way. He has not spent as much time with me since Celia came and I worry that he works too hard. The work builds up when he is not in London, and I think he may be worrying about it, though he refuses to go this close to the end of my pregnancy, and I am happy for that.

  He has moved to a separate, adjoining room since he comes in so late from working in the library, he does not want to disrupt me as I find it difficult to get to sleep in my current condition. I worry about the night that I awoke to find he was not in bed with me. I mustn’t think that way...”

  “Celia is with me constantly. She said something to me today that disturbed me. She saw Camilla talking to James and she seemed uncomfortable telling me that they were talking in hushed voices. When they noticed her, they immediately went their separate ways. I asked James about it later that day and he said that he was simply asking that she have the nursery ready for the baby when the time came and to see that the nurse maid was well settled.”

  “I did not know what to make of it, but it seemed strange that he should have spoken to Camilla about that since I see her on a daily basis. I am beginning to worry what that hushed conversation might have really meant.”

  I understood what Celia meant that I might be shocked at what I read, and I questioned if I wanted to read on or not. This would be my only opportunity to get to know my m
other personally, so I decided that I had to finish the journal. I was worried for her. Had my father slept with Camilla? If he had, that could mean that Fleur was my half-sister.

  Julian came to sit with me in the garden so I closed the journal and put the other book I was reading on top of it so that he would not know what it was. I wanted to keep reading, but I did not want to be rude, even to him. Julian really was so helpful since the fire at Rhineholt.

  “Are you enjoying the library here? I think that is the hundredth book I have seen you reading since we arrived.”

  “Well, there are so many I have not read.” I said.

  “This engagement party... Do you think that you are ready for something like that?” he asked and I felt that he was genuinely concerned for me.

  “I believe I will get by,” I said and smiled, something I had not done often since our arrival in the countryside.

  “Have you thought about what I asked you in London?” he said, to my surprise. I did not know what to say, because I honestly had not thought too seriously about my answer since we arrived at Hilbourne. It was many months that he waited and maybe it was time I gave it real consideration. I did not answer right away, and he finally cut into the silence.

  “Tamsin, you cannot expect me to wait forever. We could announce it at the engagement party and--”

  I interrupted him, “Don’t you think that’s a little fast?” The engagement party would only be a week from then. He looked at me incredulously.

  “Don’t you think I’ve waited long enough?” he asked in a heightened tone. I raised my eyebrows. It was the first time in a long while that he said anything to me in that tone, and he really did choose a terrible time after what I just finished reading of my mother’s history. Of course he could not have known that.

  “I don’t know...” I said because I was truly unsure what I wanted. I was disobliged to the idea of being forced into a wedding gown, and I couldn’t help but feel that he was rushing me toward the altar. Not to mention if my father was really unfaithful to my mother, I was not sure that I wanted to be placed in the same position. The idea of being trapped in an unfaithful marriage was repulsive to me.

  “Please tell me that you are joking,” he finally said.

  “You have not even given it serious consideration? What will you do? Rhineholt does not even exist anymore! There is no one to look after you, though Celia would let you believe you could stay with her forever!” He was using big hand gestures, and I knew him well enough to know that meant he was really upset with me.

  “I do not need looking after!” I shouted back and stood up as I said it.

  “Your demeanor would suggest otherwise!” He also stood and yelled back at me, he was turning red.

  “What do you want me to say? How can I answer you when I have nothing to say?” I shrieked, and I knew my eyes were wild with anger.

  “I want you to admit that you are in love with me so we can be done with this! Stop kidding yourself that we can stay the way we are now!” He was standing so close to me that I could feel his breath as he shouted. I was embarrassed when I realized I did not notice that his eyes had a hint of blue in them. Then I was even more angry at myself for noticing it right then.

  “You have it all wrong!” My voice was shrill.

  “I have it all wrong? Then you will pretend that there is nothing between us?” he asked, arms crossed, looking down at me as if I was a small child telling a tall tale.

  “I pretend nothing!” I said. He was only making it worse by continuing the jabs at me.

  “How can you say that when you allow me to spend all of this time with you, Tam?”

  “You insist on spending all of this time with me! I can hardly get away from you, and I find that amazing considering how huge this house is!”

  “You are maddening!” he said, and he was horribly frustrated when I turned my back to him and began to walk away.

  “Don’t you think it’s time you stopped acting like a child, Tam?” he called to me.

  “Absolutely not!” I called back and before I could stop myself I turned and stuck out my tongue. I regretted it as soon as I did it. Turning away from Julian again, I ran into the Elizabethan wing of Hilbourne, and I was relieved to see that he did not follow me in. In my frustration I did not notice that Li was standing at the window and saw the entire, ridiculous exchange. When I saw the stunned look on her face we both began to laugh hysterically. We saw that Lord Hilbourne was headed toward us so we hid behind a curtain and I thought, Childish, he could not have been more right!

  When I finally calmed from the laughter, I was suddenly overcome with anger at myself and started to cry. My emotions were completely out of control. I hated myself for acting this way.

  When Li noticed that I was sniffling, she put her arm around me and led me to sit in front of one of the windows. She asked me what happened. I filled her in on the journal, and what I had just discovered about my Father’s possible relationship with Fleur’s mother and that Julian picked the absolute worst moment to remind me that I still had not given him an answer. I dried my eyes and she embraced me.

  “Dear Tam, nothing is easy anymore. Oh to be back beneath the trees in Germany,” she said, sighing.

  “I wish that my Aunt was here to give me a kick in the right direction,” I said, and we both laughed as I wiped my eyes with a handkerchief. I knew that Aunt Emmaline would have told me to ‘stop fiddling around and marry the man before you become an old spinster.’ The thought made me smile.

  “Oh Li, you are so right, if only I could just be back on the hills behind the convent...”

  “Do you know what I think?” she said.

  “What?” I asked wiping my eyes again.

  “I think that your Father loved your Mother more than anything in the world, and I believe she felt the same for him. No matter what she wrote in that journal, remember what he did for her? He would’ve given up Rhineholt and his inheritance and everything else just to be with her. Why would he ruin something that important to him?” Li had a point, and I wondered that I was so quick to judge my Father. I threw my arms around her and kissed her cheek, a gesture which made her smile.

  “Thank you for making me come to my senses!” I said.

  CHAPTER 11

  At tea that day, Celia informed us that Julian and his Father had gone to London to tend to business, and that Reginald would be bringing back my Aunt and Uncle’s lawyer to finish up whatever business there was with my inheritance. I knew that I would not have known what to do about the land or the London house, so I was glad to have Reginald to take care of it. I wondered if Julian really had business in London, or if he was just trying to distance himself from me for a while. He was considerably angry with me for acting so childishly.

  That night upon seeing Fleur, I realized how awkward the situation was if she had, in fact, been related to me and I asked that she leave me to undress on my own that evening.

  Leo was with us at Hilbourne Abbey, and the next few days were spent planning for the garden party which would be on the following Sunday afternoon. Julian and Lord Hilbourne would return on Saturday. I was glad to have some time to myself to finish reading my mother’s writings. Apart from a gown fitting with Celia’s seamstress, I found a day that I would have mostly free, and I was in my room, picking up from where I left off. The next entry was after I was born.

  “My daughter is heavenly. She does not cry except for when Emmaline holds her, which James and I have laughed about in private. Celia noticed it, too and said to me that our little Tamsin was not the only one who did not care for Aunt Emmaline. I should not be so harsh, but it is rather amusing!

  Tamsin has a red curl on the top of her head. James says that there is nothing of him in the baby except the eyes, they are green. He is amazed by her and so am I. She is the most perfect thing I have ever seen with her tiny pink toes and fingers. I could watch her sleep all day in her Father’s arms.”

  How on earth could I belie
ve that he would be unfaithful to her?

  “When she is fussy, I simply kiss the palm of her hand and she calms right down. Such a sweet little angel. Bernadine dotes on her, too. She has knitted so many things for little Tam that she will never want for warmth.”

  I went on to her next entry which appeared to be much later. There was a large portion of missing pages, and I worried again that someone really did remove them recently.

  “I have become frightened again. I will be alone at Rhineholt when James goes to London. He has been away from his work for too long, and though he wishes Tam and I could come with him, she is too young to travel. He says that he will be gone and back before I notice.

  Last night I heard voices in the corridor again. This time James was with me and when he went to check what it was, he met Charles in the hall who said that he heard the noise as well. So the next day Bernadine questioned the staff and none of them were awake or heard any disturbance. I am certain that someone is watching me in parts of the house, now. I have not told James because I know what he will say.

  Celia says that is how these old houses feel, though I never felt that way in the convent and it was far older than Rhineholt. I spend as much time as I can in the nursery with Tamsin. I feel safe, there. The nursemaid is wonderful and she does not grumble over my spending so much time with my little angel. Celia has recommended a German woman to be her governess when the time comes. The woman will need a post after she leaves Hilbourne because Julian will be away in India with his father and Leo will be old enough to have a tutor. When Julian returns, he will be sent off to school in London, no doubt. He is only a boy and I am surprised that Reginald has decided to take him so far away. Celia would never allow Leo to go unless she went with him, he is much too small.”

  I was surprised to see that the next entry was from a few days later.

  “I was alone in the library today and something shocking happened, though I oddly feel more at ease because it has solved a mystery for me. I had the same feeling that I was being watched as I do on occasion in this place and I finally said, “Hello? Is someone there?” There was no answer but I saw that the curtains that separate James’ office were drawn, which was odd since they were opened the day before and he has gone to London.