A Life That Fits

by Heather Wardell

  Oh, how I regretted that now.

  When the meeting finished, I went with Loren to his cubicle across the aisle from mine, and he helped me set up my access to the various computer systems I'd need then began walking me through the current projects, all of which promised varying degrees of tedium.

  "I know it's a lot of grunt work, and I'm sorry."

  He seemed sincere, and I looked into his eyes and said, "Thanks. I'm obviously willing to pull my weight, though." Did he wear tinted contact lenses? I couldn't see those little telltale lines around his irises, but I'd never seen such a pure clear eye color before and couldn't quite believe it was real.

  "I'm glad. I need the help."

  That had become obvious as he showed me the huge collection of projects left undone. I could tell that he worked hard and had done everything humanly possible to keep up, but one person couldn't do all that work alone no matter how many late nights and lunch hours he devoted to his job.

  At ten to twelve, Loren's cell phone alarm went off and he said, "Time for lunch. I'll be around in the afternoon if you need anything, okay?"

  And he was gone before I could respond.

  Weird. A guy who seemed so hard-working had an alarm set so he wouldn't miss lunch? Diabetic, maybe? Or on some really strict diet plan? He was a little overweight, although he carried it well.

  Wendy and I had agreed to meet in her cubicle at quarter past twelve to go eat together, so I played around with the computer systems to get myself acclimatized then headed to meet her with every intention of asking why Loren had such a fixed schedule.

  When I reached her, though, she was on the phone, and clearly with the brother-in-law who'd been so nasty to her before. From the sound of it, he hadn't changed.

  "No, Henry, I--I think we're busy that day. What? Oh, you did? Well, again, I don't--no, I won't. Henry. Henry. Henry! I have to go. Yes, work. No. Bye."

  She hung up and tapped herself between the eyes. "Put the bullet right here, okay?"

  I smiled. "Wouldn't shooting him be better?"

  "Oh, don't tempt me." She picked up her purse. "Could we have lunch without discussing any member of the male gender? I've about had it with them."

  I'd save my Loren-related question for another time. "Sure."

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I worked hard getting to know my new job and coworkers, and played with the orchestra and went to my dance class and hosted my first crochet group, so I was busy over the next week, but my real accomplishment was reorganizing the bookshelves in the living room. I'd left them alone, even after deciding I didn't want Alex back, and though I had deliberately not given them much thought I knew why I hadn't changed them: filling in the most visible gaps he'd left in my life felt awfully final.

  But one day I came home, frustrated by the dullness of my work, and looked at the shelves and knew it was time. Alex was gone. He wasn't coming back and even if he tried I didn't want him. So why was I leaving the shelves in their awkward and disorganized state? Every time I saw them I hated the way they looked, so why not reclaim them?

  I pulled everything out of the bookcases and spent the evening arranging my books and CDs and DVDs in a more attractive layout while also taking the top few shelves to display my rapidly growing yarn collection where I could admire it but Harrison couldn't reach it. I felt sad at times, when I saw a movie Alex and I had enjoyed together or a CD he'd bought for me, but so satisfied when I'd finished. Other than Harrison himself, the most visible 'I am single' action I'd taken. It made me feel strong.

  Buoyed by that, the next morning I decided to take on Tina. She hadn't spoken to me since my departure, and I felt it was high time I spoke at her. The old me would have let it go, been too afraid to talk to her, so now I wanted to let her know I knew what she'd done.

  She didn't answer the email I sent in the morning asking her to meet me for coffee, so I left work a little early and camped out on a bench in front of her subway station. When she approached, I stood up and said, "Hi there."

  She jumped. "Hey! I didn't see you. How are you? I hope the new job is everything you wanted."

  Even now, she sounded sincere, and I didn't want to believe she'd screwed me over intentionally. "It's going great." I wouldn't admit I was bored with the work and annoyed by how Loren left at ten to twelve and right at five o'clock as if being three seconds late leaving were a crime. "I'm really enjoying it."

  "Good." She looked past me at the subway entrance as if judging whether she could get around me and escape.

  I raised my chin. "And I hear you have a new job too."

  She blinked. "Not really. I'm still doing the same things."

  "Plus the conferences, right? You're in charge of all of those now."

  Her cheeks flushed. "Well, yeah. I guess Anna and Gary figured I was the logical choice."

  "After I was gone, you mean."

  She kept a faintly confused look on her face but her blush deepened and I knew that she had sabotaged me. It hurt to realize it, but I took a deep breath and kept going. "You know, Anna's not exactly discreet." She took a step back from me but I pursued her. "She was telling Kathy in the coffee shop that her employee quit just before she had to fire her. Supposedly, this employee was pretending to be fine after a breakup but was actually falling apart and her coworkers knew the difference and told Anna. Weird, huh?"

  She tried to answer but I didn't let her. My voice grew louder as I went on, fueled by my anger at her betrayal, and I didn't try to stop it. "It's especially weird because I didn't talk to anyone but you. What do you think of that?"

  She backed away a little more and bumped into a streetlight post.

  "I think you deliberately made me look like a freak and then got me to quit so you could have my job. You probably thought Anna and Gary would fire me earlier but you didn't know how lazy they are, so once you found that out you set to work convincing me to quit."

  Tina tossed her hair back and moved toward me. "You wanted to quit. You wanted a change. I just encouraged you."

  I laughed. "Don't you dare pretend you were doing it for me. You were having little chats with Gary, weren't you? Anna seemed doubtful, but she's always been the smart one. Gary thinks with... well, if you undid a couple buttons like you did at Cats he'd have fallen for anything you said."

  "Leave my boobs out of this."

  "Then leave them in your shirt for once. Look, I know what you did." My anger began to fade and resignation took its place. "I admit you're right that I wanted a change, but I didn't want to leave my job. The reversing project was--"

  "Oh, shut up about that! The reversing thing and all that crap, it's about trying to be someone you're not. And about clinging to Alex. Which is pathetic in itself. And there's no way you'd have been able to handle those conferences. You'd have reversed something at the worst possible time and made a mess of things. I didn't lie to them. You were a mess. You still are. So don't think I'll apologize or anything, because I was right."

  I looked into her eyes and recognized several truths at once. She knew she was full of it, knew I'd have been fine at the conferences. Some very tiny part of her felt guilty for what she'd done. And she would never admit either of those things.

  I gave a single nod. "Fine. Enjoy the job you stole from me. And don't talk to me again." I turned and walked away into the crowd rushing into the subway. If she answered, I didn't hear.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  My personal life rolled along well for the next week or so, with bellydance and two craft nights a week and clarinet playing keeping me active and entertained. My job, unfortunately, was nowhere near as interesting. Loren had kindly given me as much in-depth analysis as he could, but since I was still learning my new company's processes and helping him catch up on the backlog he couldn't do much for me. I struggled on for a few more days, but after a particularly tedious afternoon of grunt work I sent an email.

  Dear Anna and Gary,

  I would like to speak with you about possi
bly returning to your department. Could we please meet in the coffee shop at three o'clock tomorrow?

  Thank you,

  Andrea

  I would miss seeing Wendy all the time in the office, and while I didn't like the work Loren gave me I liked him. Maybe too much: I found myself thinking about him a lot, wondering if he had a girlfriend and whether I might be his type. We got along great at work, even with his clock-watching, and I felt comfortable and relaxed with him. He might be a good choice if I felt ready for a boyfriend. But I didn't. And I simply couldn't stand the dullness of my job any longer.

  I wasn't sure how Anna and Gary would react, but I did think they'd want to find out what my new company was like in case the management team decided to get rid of them, and sure enough I got an answer an hour later that they would meet me there.

  At three the next day, the coffee shop's cash registers were buzzing but hardly anyone stayed to drink or eat since they had work to do. I picked a table in the back away from the lines, and waited as calmly as I could until my former bosses arrived.

  "Hello, and thanks for coming," I said, trying to sound stable and relaxed.

  Anna returned my greeting, while Gary looked at me as if I might have escaped from the zoo. Not a great sign. Nonetheless, I went ahead.

  "It's been brought to my attention that you might have been given inaccurate information about me. I wanted to correct that, and then discuss our current situation and what we can do about it."

  Gary, who'd been the inadvertent source of a major leak to a newspaper a year ago, flinched, and Anna looked over at him as if suspecting he'd done it again then said, "Brought to your attention how?"

  The temptation to say "You were overheard gossiping about me in the coffee shop" and watch her struggle to defend herself was huge but I restrained myself. "In a variety of ways." True, since Wendy had overheard Anna and Tina had admitted to lying about me. "But that's not as important as the information itself. It was wrong. I am fine, and I am able to handle anything I need to. And I'd like to come back."

  "But you quit."

  I nodded at Gary. "I did. I wasn't pleased that you took the conference away from me, and that led me to move on. I regret that, though, and I want to fix it."

  Silence fell like a heavy blanket. I knew from all the business-related reading I'd done over the years that the first person to break such a silence usually lost, so I kept my mouth shut though I nearly had to pinch my lips together to do it. I wanted to justify myself, to blame Tina, to do anything and everything to get out of the boring work I now had and back to what I'd loved, but I didn't let the words out.

  Anna spoke first, but in this case the old adage didn't hold up. "So you're admitting you made a rash decision and ended up regretting it? That's exactly what we were afraid would happen at the conference."

  Gary nodded, and I thought frantically about how to correct what I'd said. I hadn't meant that. She made it sound like I'd flounced out on a whim, which wasn't remotely the case.

  But before I could find anything to say, she said, "No. You left, and we've replaced you with Tina, and that's the way it's going to stay."

  She pushed back her chair and Gary followed suit as she added, "I'm glad you're feeling better, but I don't think it's gone far enough. Take care, and good luck in your new job."

  *****

  Orchestra rehearsal was a good distraction that night, but once I got home I curled up on the couch with Harrison and cried for the first time in ages. I didn't try to stop myself, instead letting the tears out from deep down inside, and when I finally settled I felt like I'd released a lot more than just stress about my job.

  With my emotions at a more even keel, I could see more clearly. True, the new work wasn't what I'd wanted. But my coworkers were wonderful. Wendy and I were steadily becoming closer friends, I got along great with the others even though I didn't work much with them, and Dana now teased me as much as she did everyone else, which I took as a compliment and a sign I fit in. And Loren was sweet and funny and made a frequent point of telling Dana how well I worked.

  Things could be a lot worse.

  If I didn't fix my attitude, they'd become a lot worse. I'd mostly hid my grouchiness at work but I knew I hadn't exactly put on the best face all the time, and if I kept it up I'd offend my new coworkers and my insane but surprisingly-easy-to-work-for boss. No more. Time to reverse the situation, despite what Tina had said about that, and get myself in gear to enjoy my job.

  I started by making a list of ten things I liked about working there. The first seven were easy, but after naming Dana and all my coworkers I was stuck. I persevered, though, and eventually managed to add 'Nicer office' to the list. Pleased, I kept thinking about my days, and though it took me nearly half an hour I discovered that I also liked how Dana encouraged us to spend at least an hour a day learning about anything that interested us that was even tangentially related to our jobs and that I appreciated the overall camaraderie of the staff. DataSource had never been as friendly a place to work, and from a distance I could now see how much jockeying for position and back-stabbing there'd been.

  So I liked the people I was with and the freedom to learn. I could build on that.

  I went out for groceries then spent the evening making my mother's amazing double-chocolate cookies. While they baked, I hunted around on the Internet for web sites and books that would help the others, and me, learn more, and even found several great management books for Dana.

  Armed with food and recommendations, I went into the next morning's weekly staff meeting feeling better than I had in a long time. The delighted reactions of my coworkers, and Dana's appreciative response to the books I'd suggested, made me feel great, and I set to work with more energy than since I'd joined the company. I got tons done, and Loren was impressed with my work and raved over my cookies until I laughingly told him to stuff the rest in his mouth to shut him up, and when near the end of the day Jay stuck his head into my cubicle and said, "We're going out for a drink after work. Want to come?" I felt even happier. My attitude had made all the difference.

  When we all met at the elevator at the end of the day, I was surprised that Loren wasn't in the group. He'd left just a few minutes before, and when I thought about it I realized I hadn't heard Jay ask him to come along.

  Loren seemed so nice, and he definitely worked hard so the others couldn't have disliked him for being a slacker. Why hadn't he been invited?

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The Monday after our drinks outing, which was great fun, Wendy sent an email to the entire staff suggesting we all go to Canada's Wonderland. I hadn't been to the amusement park for years, so I wrote back immediately to say I'd go. To my surprise Loren was the second to say yes. From the comments of the next few responders, they were surprised too, but I was touched by how happy they were that he'd be there and pleased they didn't dislike him after all.

  Dana wasn't able to make it, but insisted we not reschedule since she wasn't much for amusement parks. Our other coworker Tosca wasn't into them either, so in the end everyone else in the department went a week later: me, Wendy, Loren, Jay, and two women I'd barely seen other than at staff meetings, Lisa and Debbie.

  "That works," Wendy said as we waited on the appointed day for the others to show up at the amusement park. "With six of us, we can pair up on the rides. Nobody will have to sit alone."

  "Sounds good," I said, then felt annoyed with myself when my heart sped up at the sight of Loren walking toward us. Hours of working with him had obviously made his face, and those stunning eyes, familiar to me, but seeing him out of context made him look different. Had he always been that cute?

  "Hey," he said when he reached us.

  Though I felt shy all of a sudden I did my best to echo Wendy's casual greeting, but the surprised glance she flicked me suggested I hadn't quite managed it. I cleared my throat and joined in their chat about what rides we wanted to do first, hoping Loren hadn't noticed anything.

 
Lisa arrived, then Debbie, then Jay appeared and we headed into the park. After trying Jay's favorite coaster, a wooden monstrosity that I rode with Wendy, we were wandering around looking for our next activity when Debbie froze and said, "I want to do that."

  I followed her gaze to a huge metal arch from which an object swung high in the air, then gasped when I realized the 'object' was actually two people bundled into what looked like a cloth bag. The bag was attached to thick cables, and the poor fools inside were bouncing around and shrieking.

  "They get dragged to the top," Debbie said, her voice full of terror and excitement, "and then it just drops them. From like three hundred feet up! It's crazy. But I want to do it." She looked around at the rest of us. "Who's coming with me?"

  Amid the noise of most of the others laughing and insisting they weren't that insane, I stared at the arch and knew I had to try. "I will."

  She turned to stare at me. "Really?"

  Wendy nudged me. "Um, did you see it?"

  "Yeah. I want to do it anyhow." At least I thought I did.

  Debbie turned to Loren, who hadn't been laughing like the others. "What about you?"

  "I've tried it before," he said. "I'll stay on the ground and cheer you and Andrea on."

  Andrea didn't want to be cheered on. I was fast becoming convinced I'd made a huge mistake, but before I could bail out Debbie was dragging me off to the line, and the bored staffer there was fitting us for safety harnesses and explaining the process to us.

  We had about a fifteen-minute wait before our turn, and Debbie grew steadily quieter while our coworkers laughed and chatted and teased us about the ordeal we'd soon face. When the group right before us began to be hoisted into the air, she began scrabbling at the buckles on her harness. "I'm not doing this. Forget it."