Rachel's Dream

by Lisa Jones Baker

  “Now I’m convinced of something I sort of knew before.”

  She turned to lift a curious brow.

  He guided Cinnamon to the side of the road to stay clear of an oncoming car. The buggy wheels bounced because of the unevenness. After the vehicle went by, they returned to the middle for a smoother ride.

  “Now I’m more convinced than ever of God’s plan for me.” He paused. “It was for Cinnamon to bring us together so you could help me get my parents back. Rachel, I owe you so much.”

  Warmth invaded her cheeks. “I’m glad I could help.” She lifted her chin a notch. “Just like you came to Cinnamon’s rescue for me.”

  She glanced at him. The look in his eyes was reflective. Confident.

  “You know what I think, Rachel Kauffman?”

  She giggled at how he said her name. It came out with a respectful tone that she matched with her response. “What do you believe, Jarred Zimmerman?”

  They shared a laugh.

  “That the two of us complement each other.” After a slight pause, he went on. “We make a great team.”

  Not sure how to respond, Rachel drew in a surprised breath not just because of what he’d said, but the way he’d said it. The words had been edged with admiration but also a strong hint of affection.

  Afraid to speak, she bit her lip, fearful of breaking their special bonding moment.

  As he leaned closer, the breeze stopped, and suddenly, Rachel’s long dress seemed uncomfortably warm. Dressed in blue jeans, Jarred wore a short-sleeved shirt buttoned down the front.

  “Rachel …”

  She sat very still, trying to stay calm. Her heart beat so quickly, she was afraid he would hear it. “I really look forward to joining the church and to spending more time with you.”

  Rachel ordered her lungs to continue pumping air, but they were struggling. “Jarred, I can’t wait to spend more time with you. You must know that.” She hesitated, not sure she should verbalize what she was thinking.

  His smile widened. “I love you.”

  “Oh, Jarred, I love you too! So much.”

  He breathed in before continuing. “This may come as a surprise, but I’ve contemplated being Amish for years.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded. “Working with animals has provided me exposure to people of all types of faiths, and I’ve always felt a strong sense of belonging with your group. They all seem to be honest and hardworking. And …”

  He paused to cup his chin with his hand. Several heartbeats later, he sighed satisfaction. “Since I was four, I’ve craved being part of a family. Wanted to be with people who love and care about me.”

  His confession pulled at her heartstrings until her chest ached and tears welled up in her eyes. “You’ve got your parents back, Jarred. Now you can enjoy that unconditional love again. It’s what you deserve.”

  “And I’m grateful. But there’s something I want you to know. Since I’ve gotten close to you and your family, I’ve experienced that wonderful sense of belonging that I went without for most of my life. You’re fortunate. You’ve always had that emotional support, Rachel. It’s a true blessing, one that all of the money in the world can’t buy. When I’m at your home, something very strong and comforting comes over me. I can’t explain it. But when I leave, I feel a huge void. I’ve wondered what it would be like to be in a family again, Rachel. And now I have my answer.”

  Her throat tightened with emotion. “Jarred, I don’t know what to say. I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me that we Kauffmans have made a positive impact on you. And you joining the faith that’s everything to me …”

  She drew a hand over her chest and closed her eyes before opening them again and giggling. He joined in the laughter.

  “Such a serious conversation!”

  “It is, but I’m glad we had it. Rachel …” His cheeks turned a light shade of rose as the flecks on his eyes danced with a combination of honesty and hope. “You’re my dream come true.”

  *

  That evening, Rachel pulled her journal from her hope chest. When she was seated, she flipped to the first empty page. Pressing the sides of the journal to keep the paper flat, she neatly printed the date at the top right-hand corner.

  As she recalled the day’s blessings, she squeezed her eyes closed and said a quick prayer of thanks. When she opened her eyes, she wanted to shout with happiness. It was hard to sit when she would rather run outside and throw her hands in the air with immense joy.

  She eyed the empty page and drew in a deep breath. Old Sam always stressed the importance of discipline. Now was the time to practice it because there was much to be thankful for. But where to start?

  Letting out a happy sigh, she crossed one bare foot over the other and focused on her entry. Today was the most wonderful day of my life! She went on to write about her buggy ride with Jarred and their conversation that had spanned his visit with his parents to Jarred’s confession that she was his dream.

  God is blessing me with every piece I need to see my goal come true! This wonderful man has asked my parents’ permission to date me. And he’ll join the Amish church after we go through our classes, even though it seems like we have to wait forever to start them.

  As far as living next to my mother and father, we’ve never really talked about it, but it will make sense for him to stay here after he joins the church. And fortunately, my parents own enough land for my siblings and me to build on.

  She laid her pen next to her journal, sat back in her chair, and crossed her arms over her lap in pure contentment. For some time, she imagined a glorious future with Jarred, children, and a house by her parents’. Her heart pumped with excited energy when she returned her pen to the paper.

  I’m so happy when I’m with Jarred. I liked him from the moment I met him. Now we’re in love.

  But there have been obstacles. Big ones. First of all, he’s not Amish. For a while, that alone gave me reason to believe a relationship with him was not possible. But amazingly, that will be resolved. Secondly, he didn’t feel he deserved to be loved because of the situation with his brother.

  She frowned. That his parents had deserted him made her choke up. She caught a lone tear that started down her cheek. Look at the glass as half-full.

  Jarred has reconnected with his folks. They apologized. Thank goodness Jarred won’t go through the rest of his life thinking his parents blame him for his brother’s death.

  She leaned forward as thoughts filled her head, and wrote faster to capture them on paper.

  How fortunate I am to have been raised in a loving home. I’ve never been given reason to doubt my parents’ unconditional love for me. I wonder if I would be bitter had I been in Jarred’s shoes.

  I would hope not. But I’m not sure I would have handled it with the grace with which he has. I know that when I have my own children, situations will arise that test my judgment. And I will pray for guidance so my kids will never doubt my love for them.

  The thought of having a large family warmed her heart. She laid down her pen to draw her hand to her chest in joy. For long, happy moments, she imagined the little ones she would have. Would they be girls? Boys? How many?

  She turned, stood, and stepped with excitement to the window where she looked out at the clusters of stars in the sky. In awe, she knew that, in many ways, she was like each of those very stars. God was in charge of where they were.

  She closed her eyes and pressed her palms together. “Dear Lord, I trust Your plan for me. Thank You for letting Cinnamon live. And I give You all of the praise and thanks for reconnecting Jarred with his parents. I know their situation will never be perfect, but only You know what the end result will be. I say a special thank-you for bringing Jarred and me together. And thank You for helping my dream to come true. Amen.”

  *

  Later that week, Jarred wondered what was going on. His mother had phoned earlier in the day, her tone extremely urgent. All day, he’d contemplated the
purpose of the last-minute visit. So here he was, at his small kitchen table. With my parents. They’re at my house.

  Jarred pulled the meat loaf he’d prepared ahead of time from the oven and set it on the pad in the middle of the table. After saying the prayer, he passed his father the entrée.

  Automatically, his gaze drifted to the empty corner. His new furry friend enjoyed his independence.

  Jarred’s mother broke his reverie. “It always was your favorite.”

  Jarred looked at her to explain.

  “Meat loaf.”

  He nodded agreement.

  “There’s something you should know.” After a brief pause, she continued, “This is the first time I’ve had it since we lost Matt and you.”

  She choked up, then quickly composed herself.

  Jarred’s throat constricted. He swallowed and closed his eyes to focus on the advice Old Sam had given Rachel. Look at the glass as half-full. I was not responsible for Matt’s death. My parents love me.

  His mother drew in a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Jarred.”

  His father cut in. “You’re back in our lives. And we’re grateful. We’re finally going forward.”

  A long silence ensued. The only sound was the clinking of silverware meeting plates and an occasional ice cube moving in a glass. The air smelled of pepper and onion.

  Jarred leaned forward and lowered his voice to his most convincing tone. “Mom and Dad, Matt is no longer with us. But we have each other. And, Mom …” His gaze traveled to his father. “Dad, we’ve wasted so much time. God doesn’t let us stay here forever. I’ve missed too many holidays and birthdays with you.”

  He closed his eyes a moment to think of the right words. When they came, compassion edged his voice. He wanted to reach his parents because what he was trying to tell them was so important.

  “I don’t doubt God’s plan is for us to be together in the end. But I don’t know what will happen up to that point. We’ll take it in stride. And during that time, I’ll trust Him.”

  Jarred looked on as his parents regarded each other. He smiled because he’d said exactly what was on his mind. With Rachel’s help, he was now able to focus on the right things.

  His dad cleared his throat. “Now, son, what we came here to tell you …”

  *

  Days later, the warm sun caressed Rachel’s face as she pulled the mail out of the Kauffman box at the end of the long drive in front of their home. As she flipped through the pile, she caught her name on one of the envelopes.

  A closer look showed Jarred’s name in the return address corner. She stopped and pressed her lips together.

  Why the letter?

  Quick steps took her back up the drive and into the kitchen, where she laid the mail in the center of the kitchen table. Except for hers.

  With a combination of fear and uncertainty, she rushed up the stairs, envelope in hand. Why is he writing me? Maybe he’s too busy to stop by. Or perhaps something happened.

  Once inside her bedroom, she closed the door. With shaky fingers, she sat at her desk, tore open the envelope, and removed the sheet of paper. Nervous breaths escaped her lungs while she held the paper in front of her with both hands and read the neat black print.

  Dear Rachel, I feel compelled to write you before getting your thoughts in person. I’d like for you to have time to take this in before we talk.

  What?

  So much is happening right now, and I’ll share what’s going on.

  Her desktop glistened with extra sheen from an earlier coat of Murphy’s wood soap. She breathed in the fresh, pleasant scent; still, her pulse zoomed with an uncomfortable sense of urgency.

  My parents paid me a visit. There wasn’t time to tell you. It was last minute. I was stunned at what they said.

  Rachel’s arms stiffened. Her senses told her that she didn’t want to hear what was coming.

  I told you how connected I felt to my brother when I was in the home where we grew up. I’d said the same to my parents. They’ve decided to offer me something I never expected. I’m not sure why they’re doing this, but my guess is that it’s to apologize for the years we spent apart. Rachel, they’re gifting me their house.

  After finishing her chores the following afternoon, Rachel bounded through the open doors and shouted, “Old Sam!”

  He looked up from his workbench and smiled. “Rachel! I was just wondering how you were. I haven’t seen you for a while.”

  She plopped herself down into the chair opposite him and caught her breath, pushing some loose hairs back under her kapp.

  “What’s on your mind?”

  She launched into an explanation of her dilemma. As she did so, Buddy whined for attention, making himself comfortable on her shoes. Automatically, she stroked the canine’s head.

  As she relayed the brief contents of Jarred’s letter, her heart pumped faster to keep up with her desperate words, which started to run together. When she’d finished, she said, “Old Sam, you’ve got to help me. I don’t know what to do.”

  She watched with intense anxiety while he carved into the oak board in front of him. She wondered how he could stay so calm and focused while her own thoughts were in absolute chaos.

  At last, his thoughtful voice broke the silence. She straightened. As she did so, she moved her shoes closer to the chair, and Buddy let out a disgruntled whine.

  “Young one, do you recall the advice I always give you?”

  It didn’t take Rachel long to reply. “Look at the glass as half-full.”

  He offered a slow nod while he worked. She noted the steadiness of his hands, his concentration, the serious lines around his eyes, and she wished she could be as in control of herself as he was of himself.

  She crossed her legs. Be patient. Old Sam will know what to do. He’s the wisest person I know.

  “Rachel, let’s talk this situation out.”

  In the background, Ginger snorted, but Rachel couldn’t give the spoiled horse a treat until she and Old Sam resolved the issue at hand.

  “Okay.”

  Buddy moaned his disapproval when she stretched her legs. “Sorry, boy.” It didn’t take long for the Irish setter to content himself again.

  “First of all, does the doctor know you’d like to live near your parents?”

  She shrugged. “We’ve never talked about it. I just assumed we would.”

  Old Sam stopped his work. For long moments, they looked at each other until he sighed and slid his chair back to cross his hands over his lap. For long moments, he lowered his gaze to the floor. When he finally lifted his chin, he raised an eyebrow. “Rachel, I’m not sure I understand the problem.”

  “Old Sam, Jarred’s moving back to Ohio!”

  “Did he say that?”

  Rachel shook her head. “But I’m sure he will. He loves the thought of being close to memories of him and his brother. And after all he’s been through, I’m sure his childhood home offers him a certain comfort that he’s been without.”

  “Yes, yes. But I’m not sure I understand your dilemma.”

  “Old Sam …”

  The creases around Sam’s eyes deepened. “Let’s say that he decides to move to Ohio.” He waved a hand to silence her when she tried to speak. “And you must realize that this is the worst that could happen.”

  He hesitated. “Would you give him your blessing?”

  It didn’t take her long to respond. “Of course. I mean, I’m not selfish. He’s finally getting his relationship with his parents back on track. I’m sure that for him to live in their home would please them. Not to mention, the close connection to his brother.”

  “I understand. How could he not be comfortable where he and his brother played? But I’m concerned about you. What about Rachel?”

  She considered the question and drew her brows together with uncertainty. “Of course I’d like him to stay here. But this isn’t about me. If living there brings him joy, that’s what I want for him. How could I deny him somethin
g I’ve always taken for granted?”

  Old Sam finally offered a firm nod of acceptance. As she waited for him to speak, a brown squirrel rushed into the barn and stood on his hind legs as if he, too, awaited a reply. When he quickly rushed back out, Sam cleared his throat and said in a more serious tone, “Then this is how I see it. You’d give your blessing for him to move. Then, if he decides to do that, of course, you’d have to let him go. However, if you’re determined to be with him, your situation with the doctor becomes much more involved because that would require you to go, too.”

  He looked down at his tools. His voice was soft as he kept his gaze on the box. “I know that’s not what you want to hear, but the way I see it, there’s no other option. And love is about making sacrifices.” He paused to look up. When he did so, his eyes glistened with moisture.

  Rachel’s heart sank because she was certain Old Sam was thinking about Esther. He missed her so much. Every time he mentioned her, he teared up. Rachel realized that she could at least be with Jarred, but Old Sam had no option that included being with Esther. No matter how much Sam compromised, it was impossible for him to be with the woman he loved dearly and had shared most of his life with.

  His voice cracked with great affection. “Young one, if I could have Esther back, I’d move to the other end of the world to be with her.”

  They locked gazes.

  Suddenly, a pang of guilt swept up Rachel’s spine to the base of her neck. The uncomfortable sensation prompted a quick roll of her shoulders.

  “Search your heart. And pray. Perhaps God presented this situation to test your love for Jarred.”

  She sat very still while she contemplated Sam’s theory.

  “Put all things aside, including what happened to his brother. All of that is irrelevant, really. There’s one question you must ask yourself. Would you move with him? And when you have your answer, you’ll know what to do if the worst scenario materializes.” After a lengthy pause, Old Sam stood and started slowly toward the area where he kept extra tools.

  Next to her, he stopped. When he spoke, his tone was matter-of-fact. “Perhaps your doctor will stay here. Then you’ve worried for nothing. But let’s say that he decides to accept his parents’ offer. Do you love him enough to live away from your family?”