Godforsaken: Book 1 (Shade of Light)

by Suren Hakobyan

  Lily stared at the place her friend had left until she heard the door shut, then she sighed, rose, and took her plate to the sink.

  *

  Lily, preoccupied by the headphones in her ears, sat down on a seat and listened to music while the train full of people carried her away. While her eyes were tilted down at the floor, her thoughts drifted back into her morning’s dream full of life and love. Who was the man that had held her hand and invited her into a more beautiful garden than she could ever imagine? She wondered suddenly whether he was real, if she could ever meet him again. Surely she would recognize him. Her heart beat faster every time she thought of looking at the man and his mystical black eyes again.

  It’d been two years ago when she had first had such a real, beautiful, unearthly dream. The man had always been there, in those dreams, but until today his face had remained a mystery to Lily. Before, she’d recognized his silhouette, or his hair, but his face had always been obscured. Tonight something had changed: he had come closer.

  Lily was so deeply stuck in her memories that she was about to miss her station. As her eyes slid up and she glanced out the windows, Lily jumped to her feet and breathlessly hurried out of the railcar. Her rucksack slid off her arm and fell down onto the platform in the moment she shot out of the train. Her lipstick, which Lily had never used before but which she had been keeping in her rucksack fell out of an unzipped pocket and rolled away.

  “Damn it,” Lily muttered under her breath and knelt down to pick up her things. Annoyed, she got to her feet, still looking down at the floor for the lost lipstick. She made her way forward, mumbling in exasperation, when she banged into someone and recoiled, startled.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said, quickly taking the headphones out of her ears.

  “A girl as beautiful as you shouldn’t apologize for anything,” a man’s voice said from above her. Lily stood up. Standing in front of her was a young man holding Lily’s lipstick, regarding her from head to toe. “I believe this is yours?”

  “Yeah, thanks,” Lily said brusquely, taking the lipstick. She turned hastily and bustled toward the exit.

  “Hey,” the guy called after her, sounding confused. “Wait a minute.”

  “I thanked you for the lipstick. Please, leave me alone now,” Lily shot back curtly over her shoulder.

  “But–”

  Lily kept on walking and set off at almost a run out from the platform and toward the escalator. As soon as she blended into the crowd, she peeked back nervously, looking for the guy on the platform, but it seemed he’d given up very quickly and was nowhere to be seen. Lily exhaled in relief and put the headphones back into her ears.

  From there on it took her about ten minutes to get to the college. On the way she barely remembered the guy she had seen just some minutes ago, as the man from her dreams commanded her attentions again. In some ways, Nancy was right, Lily did like to live tied up in her dreams while letting real life fall to the wayside. Finally, she arrived at the college.

  Lily took out her headphones for good and put them into her rucksack. The college courtyard was full of students, some of them, like Lily, hurrying toward the main entrance, while some seemed content to just sit on the grass. Lily passed all of them holding her eyes only on the cobbled path. She felt as though everyone was staring at her. Lily knew why – as Nancy had mentioned earlier, she was a dream to a lot of guys at the college. This made her uneasy, but she knew there was no chance for any of them. None of them were right for her. Lily spent all of her time studying, but she was waiting for a prince like the one from her dreams. But it seemed that her prince had gotten lost somewhere on the way to her.

  And Lily was beautiful; her golden hair shining in the morning sun. Her skin was soft and white, her light gait attracted the guys’ attention involuntarily. Increasingly, this eighteen-year-old girl became more beautiful. Even Mike, Nancy’s boyfriend, standing by the entrance and holding Nancy in his arms, couldn’t help staring at her with an almost greedy air.

  Mike was one of the rare guys in her college that Lily liked. He knew how to have fun and not be a pain in the neck at the same time.

  “Hey, Lily!” Mike called out breezily, still holding Nancy. He wore blue jeans today over his athletic body, his tremendous forearms and his muscles bulging in his tight black T-shirt.

  “Hey, Mike,” Lily said in reply and came to a stop before them, forcing a smile on her face.

  “Get here okay?” Nancy asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “I thought you would come with us,” Mike spoke again.

  “It’s your girlfriend’s birthday, you know, I just–” Lily stuttered.

  “Yeah, but Nancy’s already told you about our plans for tonight, hasn’t she?” Mike looked down at Nancy’s neck from where he held her.

  “Yeah, she has,” Lily answered.

  “And she’s up to it,” Nancy said, looking blithely at Lily. “She’s impatient. She just can’t wait for the dances and drinks,” she added, and chuckled with her hand over her mouth.

  “Don’t tease me,” Lily interjected. “You know I don’t like dancing and drinking.”

  “Yeah, yeah, of course we know,” Nancy peered back over her shoulder at Mike. “She’s doing this for me. Isn’t she nice?”

  “Yeah, she is,” Mike smiled gingerly then tilted his head to put a quick kiss on Nancy’s lips.

  “Guys, aren’t you going to be late for class?” Lily asked.

  “Oh no, sweetheart,” Mike answered. “I don’t think it’s fair for Nancy to stay in her boring classes on her birthday.”

  “We’re going to the park,” Nancy added, quickly wrapping Mikes arm over her shoulder.

  “You should come with us, too, it’ll be fun,” Mike invited Lily looking down at her from where he stood at a head taller than the girls. “Maybe you’ll meet a guy there who will break through your stony heart.” Nancy elbowed Mike and he looked at her suddenly, wearing an expression that said “what did I say wrong?”

  “No way. You two go and have fun,” Lily retorted disapprovingly. “Besides, what would I do with two lovebirds?” She teased.

  “Come on, Lily,” Mike urged, sounding unhappy.

  “I really can’t. I have to go to my economics class, sorry,” Lily grinned and stepped slowly toward the entrance. “Don’t worry, I’ll catch up with you tonight.”

  *

  Mike’s big brown eyes stared after Lily as she fled away into the building.

  “You know,” he said to Nancy after Lily careened behind the entrance, “she’s really very pretty from behind.”

  “Hey!” Nancy sniffed indignantly, jabbing him in the arm and turning to face him. “You’re talking about my friend,” she frowned.

  “You jealous?” Mike’s mouth twitched into a complacent smile.

  “It’s rude of you.”

  “Don’t worry, baby, I love only you,” he kissed her forehead gently. “I’m just curious why Lily is so–”

  “Closed up in herself?” Nancy finished.

  “Something like that, yeah. Is it because of her parents?” He glanced down on Nancy pensively. “I mean, it was a long time ago that she lost them.”

  “So you’re wondering if she’s recovered from it. I dunno,” Nancy sighed, mournfully struggling out from Mike’s embrace.

  “You know, I like her.” He met Nancy’s flashing eyes and added promptly, “Like a sister, I mean. I worry about her.” He grinned awkwardly. “She’s an extremely beautiful, good girl, but there is something about her. Maybe her bad memories are corroding her from the inside out.”

  “Mike, what are you talking about? Stop pulling my leg. She’s just a little different, that’s all. And in that case, warn your friend to be nice to her tonight, okay?”

  “Alen is always nice,” Mike protested.

  “Yeah, of course he is!” Nancy teased. “Still, you need to warn him. Let’s go,” she commanded. “And this is the last time I’m helping your friend out
with Lily. If nothing happens tonight, then Alen has to say goodbye to her for good. Okay?”

  “Okay, come on,” Mike took her hand into his and led her down the stairs.

  *

  Lily fell deep into studying, forgetting all about the upcoming evening. Honestly, she liked studying, and that liking had made her one of the best students in the college.

  She didn’t see Nancy and Mike the whole day, keeping her headphones in her ears. She was heading back home when her cell phone began to ring.

  She picked up the phone, already having seen the identity of the caller. “Hello, Aunt Agnes.”

  “Lily, dear, how are you doing?” Her aunt’s voice spoke at the other end of the line.

  “Fine, Auntie, how are you? How is Bill, too?” Bill was her aunt’s husband. They hadn’t had any children of their own, and after the accident with Lily’s parents they had adopted Lily, raising her like their own daughter.

  “You know him,” Aunt Agnes complained. “Even the doctors are unable to control him. I can’t either. I worry about him, but what else can I do?”

  “He still complains about his heart pain?” Lily asked quickly.

  “Yeah, of course he does,” Aunt Agnes replied with a loud and displeased voice, sounding almost angry underneath her worry. “He doesn’t take medicine and doesn’t listen to what the doctors tell him. You know him, he always thinks that he knows things better than the doctors do.”

  “Yeah, that’s just like him,” Lily sighed, taking the stairs leading down the subway.

  “I don’t know what to do next. If something happens to him–” Aunt Agnes exclaimed.

  “Nothing’s going to happen to him. He’s a strong man,” Lily added with a hesitatingly voice. “Does he go to work?”

  “Yes, of course. He needs rest and medicine. Instead he runs to the office every day like a twenty-year-old boy.”

  “His body grows old, but not his soul,” Lily remarked, a little grin curling at her lips.

  “Where are you?” Aunt Agnes asked, changing the subject abruptly.

  “In the subway. Going home.”

  “Is everything okay at college? Have you prepared for the exams?”

  “Yeah, Auntie, I have, don’t worry. Just try to take care of Bill, okay? Or better yet, get him to take care of himself, too.” Lily stepped onto the escalator.

  “Oh, Lily,” Aunt Agnes exhaled, “I’m trying. If you have any news, call me right away, okay?”

  “I’ll call.”

  “Fine. Be careful, I’ll call you later.”

  “Oh, no,” Lily said, suddenly remembering Nancy’s party. “I won’t be able to answer you later.”

  “Why, dear?” Aunt Agnes asked, seeming agitated.

  “It’s Nancy’s birthday. My roommate. We’ll be out to celebrate,” Lily explained hastily.

  “Where?”

  “I don’t know,” Lily said uncertainly. Her voice shook. “To a little bar, I think,” she added.

  “Be careful, baby.”

  “I will.”

  “Okay, honey. Then, ‘til tomorrow.”

  “‘Til tomorrow, Auntie.” She hung up and put the phone into her rucksack.

  2. In The Club

  It was close to dark when Lily finally left the house. She locked the house door and headed swiftly for Mike’s car where it was parked opposite the street. Nancy and her boyfriend had already been waiting for her. Nancy leaned her head out of the car window, waving to Lily.

  “Hey, hurry up,” she cried out.

  “Coming,” Lily cried back, moving faster. She wore blue jeans and a white shirt, her blonde hair dancing on her shoulders as she rushed to the car at almost a run.

  “Get in, we’re running late,” Nancy complained and turned to face Mike. “Okay, now where are you going to take us?”

  “Patience, baby, patience,” Mike smiled quizzically. He peered back over his shoulder as Lily closed the car door. “Hey, baby, are we going to have some three-way fun tonight?”

  “Shut up, Mike,” Lily shook her head, grinning despite herself. She knew Mike well enough to not get too mad at his jokes.

  “Okay, okay…but you’ll regret it one day, mark my words,” he laughed. He turned the key and the engine roared to life.

  “Where is your friend?” Nancy asked as the car set off.

  “He’s waiting for us at the club,” Mike glanced at Lily in the rear-view mirror. “He was in seventh heaven when I told him you were coming, Lily.”

  “Oh, please, Mike,” Lily responded sharply. “He hasn’t got any chance with me, even if he was the last man on the whole planet.”

  “So cruel,” Nancy laughed scornfully.

  “Yeah,” Mike agreed with a confused grin. “But he’s not a bad guy, Lily.”

  “Maybe he isn’t, but just drop it,” Lily replied shortly and glanced out the window, ending the conversation.

  Mike didn’t speak about Alen for the rest of the way. He and Nancy were chatting, then Nancy began to talk about a bicycle accident from her childhood with a wealth of detail. Lily wasn’t listening at all. She had sunk into her dreams again, the dreams which had been dogging her since the morning. She recalled the handsome guy in white, wondering whether she would see him at the club tonight somehow. Maybe the dream was a sign that she was going to meet him at last.

  *

  Mike was right. Alen was waiting for them at the club, but Lily’s hopes were crushed – there wasn’t any guy there that looked like the one she had seen in her dream. She sighed in disappointment, taking a seat at the table with the others. The music was loud, thumping in her ears, and she couldn’t understand what her friends were talking about. Instead, she just peered to and fro at the people on the dance floor.

  “Lily, don’t you want a drink?” She turned and there was Alen before her, his face so close that his breath flooded her nose. She jerked backward in her chair without turning her eyes off him. Alen was smiling at her gently, and that smile was what Lily hated the most about him.

  “Take your glass, Lily,” Nancy cried out to her. “It’s my birthday, you have to drink for me. Just for tonight.”

  Lily glanced over at Nancy in bewilderment. She wasn’t at all interested in drinking, but she couldn’t refuse her friend, and therefore she reluctantly picked up her glass. Her eyes flew from Nancy to Alen in disgust. Alen was still smiling at her. Idiot, she thought and gulped down the drink. It was strong. Lily swallowed it with difficulty. She felt as though she was going to vomit. She put her hand to her mouth, forcing the drink down into her stomach, and her face contorted in a pucker of disgust.

  When Lily recovered she raised her glacial blue eyes to Nancy being wrapped in Mike’s muscular arms, they were laughing.

  “Hey, don’t laugh at me,” Lily grinned involuntarily and coughed. “I’m not used to drinking alcohol.”

  “Yeah, I see. You’re very sweaty,” Mike giggled, taking the bottle of whiskey.

  “I think one glass is enough for me.” She tried to stop Mike as he was about to pour her another drink.

  “Are you serious?” Mike said quizzically, holding the bottle by Lily’s glass.

  “Maybe she’s right,” Alen chipped in. “She says she isn’t used to alcohol. Don’t get her plastered. If she’s not up for it–”

  “I can drink, it’s not about that,” Lily protested waspishly. She was twisted by a sudden surge of anger at the thought that Alen supposed her a coward. She looked at him sharply, then allowed Mike to pour her another drink.

  “If you don’t want to you shouldn’t–” Alen sounded politely.

  “I will,” Lily cut him off sharply and cringed. But the first glass had already begun to take effect, she felt the alcohol running in her veins as an unfamiliar feeling rose up inside her chest. Even if she didn’t like Alen, she had never been so mean to him before. But right now, she wanted to spring upon him and shout and slap him across the face. Her normally kind blue eyes narrowed and filled with hatred.
<
br />   “This is for my lovely Nancy,” Mike’s voice brought Lily back to her senses, and she turned her gaze away from Alen. “We’ve been together… How long has it been? Eighteen months. During those months I never doubted my love for you, Nancy. You’re beautiful, clever, sexy. What else could a man want? I love you, baby.”

  “I know,” Nancy said back and leaned forward to kiss his lips.

  Lily stared at them kissing and the anger that had risen in her disappeared. She imagined the man and white, and she imagined herself in Nancy’s place kissing that man, and her heart trembled like a leaf in a high wind.

  “You’re very brave,” Alen’s voice pulled her back from the memories. She eyed him, the glass still in her hand. “I’m just talking about the drink. You really shouldn’t drink if you–”

  But Lily didn’t let him finish. She lifted the glass to her thin lips and drained it, making a face. Alen laughed soundlessly, shaking his head. He took his glass and drank it too.

  *

  The dance floor was full of young people. The loud music engulfed the club and worked its way up to a private room upstairs. Behind the door four men with utterly serious faces sat at a round table. They had business faces. The music was low in here.

  “You know there is no other way to enter that place,” said a man with curly hair and big black eyes. His round face and wide forehead was covered in a thin layer sweat. His bloodshot eyes looked over the others around him before coming to a halt on the man sitting opposite the table. “The line was broken a long time ago, now it all depends on you.”

  “And my answer hasn’t changed,” the other said, raising his eyes up at the interlocutor. His eyes were an unusual shade of green, and they seemed almost bottomless. Those eyes carried his high wit, his cleverness, and a strange sort of mystery that didn’t reside in anyone else’s eyes.

  The man arched his eyebrows. Unearthly anger flooded over his face, as though the anger was as tangible as puffs of smoke.

  “Samael, he helped you out when you were exiled,” spoke another man. This one had narrow eyes and a sharp face, and he sat on the left side of Samael. Samael locked his gaze on the man’s in front of him in an unblinking stare. “It’s because of you that the line is broken,” he claimed. “There is still time to repay your debt–”