Godforsaken: Book 1 (Shade of Light)

by Suren Hakobyan

  “I owe nothing to anyone,” Samael interrupted stiffly. “I hadn’t made any deal with anybody, let alone made one with your lord. There was no deal to not touch the children from that line. Where did you find this prat, Beelzebub?” Samael said to the big, black-eyed man in front of him, the one who had been speaking before. “Shut him up, or else I’ll shut him up myself.”

  Beelzebub raised his hand. “Calm down Kali,” he whispered to the man with sharp face, then his eyes caught Samael. “You don’t want to cooperate with us,” he sighed, dropping his eyes to the untouched glass of whiskey before him. “I wonder why?”

  “You know very well that there is no way into my place for either of you. In spite of his wicked look, Samael’s voice sounded calm. He knew how to restrain his nerves. “But you–”

  “I’m here, yes,” Beelzebub finished for him. For some seconds silence flooded the room, until Beelzebub smiled and went on. “You have seen what he is capable of, you have seen what we can change, being tied up together? Why don’t you give us a chance?”

  “I am not God, to give a chance to any of you,” Samael said tonelessly.

  Beelzebub took a sip of his whiskey and, with a malicious grin, lowered it back on the table. “Not only God gives chances, Samael. We make them ourselves.”

  “Then it’s time to make them yourselves. Just without me,” Samael stood his ground. “I see no reason to open the way into my territory.” His wandering eyes found Beelzebub. “I like the life around me, I don’t want any changes in it.”

  “It can’t stay like this for much longer, you know,” Beelzebub replied, a mocking grin on his plump face. “He lingered too long, my friend, and he’ll rise up soon. You can take his side again, as you did once before.”

  “Whose side I was and am going to be on – that problem is between the two of us. And you know,” Samael rose, bending toward Beelzebub and spoke in his ear, “I have no interest in taking any of your sides. It’s not my fight, it’s completely yours. Do I make myself clear?”

  “I just brought you his word. The decision is still up to you–” Though Beelzebub looked unfazed, his neck reddened as his nerves began to act up.

  “As you noted,” Samael cut him off. “It means the discussion is over. Take him my word – I’m not going to open the gates yet. It makes no difference who it is, Satan or God. The gates are closed.” He spun around curtly and strode out of the room without another look back at them.

  Samael shut the door behind him and paced ahead toward the railing before him. He appeared on the balcony that wrapped around the dance floor and, standing by it, like a king watching his people, he could see everyone dancing below. His green eyes were still filled with the wrath brought on by that undesirable conversation. Samael put his hands on the railing and peered down somberly on the dancers, as if he was looking for somebody.

  *

  In the meantime, Lily was already dancing with Nancy and Mike. She’d had more drinks tonight than she had meant to, her head was in a whirl and the world around her swirled in front of her eyes. With every passing minute Lily felt a growing weakness in her arms and legs. At first she liked the lightness the alcohol had passed through her, but then, as the drinks dissolved in her blood, Lily’s wit withdrew giving her emotions a way out of the cage buried deep inside her. Nonetheless, she was dancing like a crazy person, as if her body was being charged with inhuman energy.

  But her newfound craziness had no effect on her feelings about Alen. When he moved to dance with her, she pushed him backward roughly. Alen stood two steps aside, momentarily immobilized and distracted, staring at Lily like she was an object of inaccessible beauty. Indeed, she really was inaccessible to him.

  Lily didn’t acknowledge Alen’s offended look, but instead went back to dancing. Although Lily hadn’t danced in parties like this before, she was a good dancer. She used to dance in her room, alone in front of the mirror, on evenings when Nancy went out with Mike and came back late. Now was a good opportunity to show what she’d learned from those self-lessons.

  After Lily had rudely pushed Alen away, the song ended. An unfamiliar guy closed in on her, putting his hand on her wrist without her permission. She jerked backward.

  “A beautiful girl like you shouldn’t dance alone,” the strange guy said.

  He was too close when he spoke, his breath mixed with alcohol and tobacco hit Lily in the face.

  “Get off me,” she responded sharply, turning her head aside – and her eyes casually met a young man where he was standing at the railing, surveying the dance floor.

  Lily turned to steel, staring unblinkingly at the green-eyed guy. As their eyes met, her jaw dropped but not because of his handsome face, or his long brown hair tangled and falling to his broad shoulders, or the muscular arms and chest covered by his T-shirt. A pair of great gray wings furled out behind him from his back. There was no room for Lily to believe her eyes. Was that a real angel, standing there? For a long while they stood and stared without stirring, the man never shifted his gaze from her either, as though he had seen something equally unbelievable. Lily saw his wings flutter up and down in the space of a second before they tucked themselves behind his back.

  “I shouldn’t have drunk so much,” Lily muttered to herself, casting her eyes downwards again.

  Lily shook her head in puzzlement. She didn’t dare to look up at Samael again, but her curiosity gnawed her until finally, she couldn’t help looking. Samael wasn’t there anymore, like he hadn’t existed at all. Lily’s eyes jerked to and fro in search of him.

  “Hey, baby, are you alright,” the other guy showed up again.

  “Don’t touch me.” With a frown, she pulled her hand back from him savagely and wheeled around. The second her eyes focused on the guy in front of her, her heart almost stopped altogether. Instead of Alen, there stood the man with gray wings – the angel.

  Lily stood motionless. The music muted in her ears, the people around her seemed to vanish, all but him, who was staring down into her wide blue eyes. In a glimmer of a second, Lily found herself alone with that man, and the whole world disappeared. The man took her trembling hand into his palm. Her eyes cast themselves down to his touch and a tremor ran through her whole body. She held her breath, felt the blood racing under her skin, and was utterly unable – or just unwilling – to break the connection between them. His green eyes locked on hers again. Lily recalled the dream, the moment when she had seen two green eyes opposite the golden gates. She wondered whether those eyes had been his all along.

  He didn’t smile. None of the muscles on his face twitched when he lifted her hand affectionately. Then, he put his other hand on her waist and forced Lily to dance with him. Lily obeyed him more easily than she expected she would. She was in his arms, defenseless as a bird with a broken wing, staring up at the strong, handsome man. They moved in the same rhythm, blinked together and stepped together. If Lily opened her mouth, the words wouldn’t be able to escape from her throat, if she tried to push herself out of his arms, her hands wouldn’t obey. If she forced her eyes away from his, they wouldn’t move at all. Lily felt helpless, as if she was stuck in a cage – his cage – and there was no way out.

  They danced without exchanging a single word. It seemed to Lily that she was unable to think, that the man who held her in his arms had sucked her whole essence into his cage. Lily had never experienced such an emotion before. Her heart was felt as though it was going to break out of her chest and fall right onto the man’s palm.

  He tilted his head down, so close to her that she could feel his breath on her face. As his scent reached her nostrils her legs gave trembled. Lily thought she was going to collapse down to the floor, before his feet, and she tightened her hands around his shoulders.

  He didn’t stop moving his head toward her. Lily bit her lip, still staring into his unearthly beautiful eyes. Was he going to kiss her? He was; his dry lips met hers passionately, his tongue slid into her mouth and rolled in it. She closed her eyes
, sinking into darkness where only she and that man existed, inhaling a deep breath and holding it, enjoying this stranger’s gentle kiss.

  She couldn’t say how long the kiss lasted. When his lips unlocked from hers Lily couldn’t force her eyes open for some seconds. With her mouth still half open, she stood still waiting for his lips again, but Samael only put his hand on her face and caressed her soft skin.

  Opening her eyes, Lily was almost afraid that the maybe-angel was only a wonderful dream, but a shiver ran through her body as she realized that the kiss had been real, and that the man himself still had her in his warm arms.

  He allowed himself a slight smile. Lily grinned back, then peered around in search of Nancy. There, a little way away, Nancy was dancing with Mike. Looking into her friend’s eyes, Lily realized that Nancy had witnessed everything. Her roommate winked at her and gave a wave and a smile. Lily felt embarrassed, and hid her face from Nancy quickly.

  The strange man, without another word, took Lily by the hand. Purposefully, he led her to the exit. Lily, staring at the back of his neck, followed him quietly, as if she was his child and had no right to go against him. She couldn’t even think about who the stranger was, or even why he had so strong an influence on her. She was paralyzed by his charm, her legs and hands belonged to him now. With a last glance back at Nancy, she came out of the club with the man, the pair entering into the night’s chilly air.

  There was a long queue by the entrance. Lily peered at it surreptitiously and saw several inquisitive gazes land on her and this mysterious man while they were walking past. They moved toward a black car on the opposite side of the street. As soon as they reached the expensive car, he opened the passenger door and, with a cold look, invited Lily in. She didn’t hear his voice, and got in in silence. The man shut the door, rounded the car, and got in too.

  Within seconds, the engine roared, and the car set off to some unknown destination. Lily didn’t wonder where the stranger was taking her to, she just knew she did not want him to leave her. She didn’t know what in the mysterious man had attracted her, what kind of magic had tied her to this gorgeous green-eyed young man. She had no strength to disobey him, much less speak to him.

  The man himself, on the contrary, looked unfazed, wholly determined and concentrated on the road, but Lily felt his eye on her regardless. She sat still, staring at his long brown hair ruffling in the wind coming through the half open window. The only thing she was curious about was how this man could be so attractive. Truly, he had a magical charm.

  The trip seemed to Lily to last only a minute, and then they were in a dark and narrow alley. He stopped the car, killed the engine and, finally, his eyes found her. Now his irresistible green eyes were wider. They glittered like there were two torches trapped on his handsome face. He stared at Lily unblinkingly for some seconds, most probably pondering what he was going to do to her. In the meantime Lily felt like her blood had stopped racing in her veins, like her heart wasn’t beating anymore, and the only thing keeping her alive was this stranger’s gaze.

  Lily couldn’t bear his eyes anymore, she yearned for his kiss again, wanted to feel his lips and lean against his chest. She bit her lip and felt her fingers trembling, aching to touch him.

  His hand rose in the air toward her. Lily’s eyes, full of passion, followed it. His fingers touched her cheek and caressed down her face, towards her chin. He leaned forward slowly as if he was enjoying Lily’s impatience. The next moment, when she felt his sweet breath upon her face again, she inhaled deeply and closed her eyes.

  His lips covered hers again and her body was enveloped in warmth. This time, he was more passionate than he had been in the club. His one hand held her head against his mouth tightly; the other slid under her shirt and grasped her breast. She moaned in his mouth, put both her arms around Samael’s neck, and flung herself against him. Passion possessed her now, passion Lily hadn’t known she had before.

  The man’s other hand came away from her face and slid under her shirt to caress her back. Lily borrowed his boldness and tried to dig her hand under his T-shirt too. He didn’t seem to mind as her fingers ran over his muscular stomach up toward his chest. Lily realized she had never known such a wonderful touch as his before this moment. A desire to kiss his muscles washed over her, but his tongue kept her lips tight to his mouth without giving a chance to break away. Her breathing became faster and deeper, as if she was gasping for fresh air.

  His hands grasped her shirt and he pulled it up. He’s going to take me here, she thought. Lily couldn’t deny she didn’t want it either. But she recalled the words she had told Nancy that morning:

  The dreams where they are fucking me in a car or in a park and what then, Nancy?

  Instinctively Lily pulled herself out of his arms.

  “No!” she half-whispered, half-shouted.

  He wasn’t going to give up easily. His hands encircled her again to restrain her in his arms, but Lily fought them aside, retreated and reached for the door.

  “No, please,” she said in a panicked undertone, and opened the door.

  Lily didn’t realize what she was doing. The only thing she was thinking of was leaving the car as quickly as her legs could manage it. The thought that this stranger had made her come here, and she had been ready give herself to him without exchanging a single word, was like a cold shower for Lily.

  She regained her wits. A voice inside her kept telling her to leave the stranger right away, and she fled out of the car. The man stared after her with a distracted look. The door swung shut behind her, and Lily got away from the car almost at a run.

  Without glancing back she reached the nearest corner and careened around it.

  Now, when she didn’t smell the stranger’s infatuating scent, and couldn’t see his magical eyes, she could justify to herself that leaving this stranger with divine attraction was the right thing to do. Heaven only knew what kind of passion had overcome her beside him. And that was when Lily found herself on a dark and empty street. A chill ran over her body.

  A car veered around the corner and followed her. She spun around instantly. It was him, but Lily kept walking. Samael came to a stop next to her. It troubled her, that this guy wouldn’t let her leave with ease. Peering back Lily saw the handsome stranger getting out of the car.

  “Just leave me, please,” she pleaded with a shaky voice. “I’m sorry about all of this.”

  “Where are you going?” The man cried after her. Those were the first words she had heard from him. His voice was as beautiful as his appearance. “This is one of New York’s bad blocks. You don’t want to be walking here at night.”

  “I don’t care,” Lily said, starting away from him.

  “I can drop you at your home. Where do you live?” he urged.

  “I don’t need a lift from you. Just, leave, please,” she demanded.

  Lily was dreading getting into his car again. The second time she might lose control of herself.

  “I’m warning you, it’s dangerous out here,” The man said calmly, still following her. She heard his footsteps echoing behind.

  “Then why did you bring me here?”

  Lily exhaled and raised her eyes. She saw headlights around the corner – a taxi. She raised her hand.

  “I’ll be alright,” she muttered to him, not daring to look right into his eyes. “You can go back to the club and enjoy the rest of evening. Please, just sorry, but I can’t be like this. I’m not a one-night-stand kind of girl.”

  Lily opened the door and leaped into the taxi. As it set off, Lily’s eyes found him of their own accord. He had an absent look, like something had struck him in the face. Her heart sank. He remained standing there, rooted in the dark. Then the taxi turned around the corner, and his eyes were finally out of her sight.

  3. The Monk

  Now that she was safe in the taxi, Lily could barely hold back her tears. Without warning, the stranger had become a part of her vision: wherever she looked, it was as though his gr
een mystical eyes were pursuing her everywhere. For a moment, Lily even thought about turning the taxi around, going back to him and throwing herself into his arms, begging for his forgiveness and pleading with him to love her again, to kiss her with his dry but delicious lips. But her mouth could manage nothing except trembling.

  As Lily got home, she ran into her bedroom and tossed herself on the bed, covering her eyes with her hands, and began to weep silently. There was no sign of Nancy around, she was probably still dancing and enjoying the evening in the club with her boyfriend. There was no room to hold the tears back anymore, they came out of her in a rush. Lily hated herself, hated the fate that had played such a cruel game with her. No guy had ever had such an effect on her before. What had happened to her just a half an hour ago? Lily knew that at that moment she could have been naked in his arms if she hadn’t fled the car, and it terrified her. Was that what her heart really wanted? Just a glimpse of him had caused the trembling in her legs, the hammering in her heart, and the butterflies flying in her stomach.

  What kind of passion was that? How could it possibly exist?

  She remembered her first kiss in high school. It had been a complete disappointment. She had kissed a guy from her class. Before, she’d longed to know how it felt, to touch another’s lips with her own. As she had lost her parents in her early years, she had always been afraid that she would never experience such a thing as love. All of her classmates knew she was locked inside herself. Sometimes they had mocked her, but the most agonizing moments had been when they had felt sorry for her.

  She had had to live, and she had tried to do so. But no man had ever appeared to awaken such feelings in her the way the stranger from the club had.

  Lily heard the door open, and Nancy’s and Mike’s laughter filled the apartment.

  *

  “Where do you think Lily is now?” Nancy asked as she closed the door.